Revitalization's Weblog
For the curious, questioning, and wandering soulsink.
sink into life.
feel it wrap its arms around you
feel it like the paint oozing between your fingers
feel it like the mud between your toes
close your eyes and with a soft smile upon your lips, feel it in the wisps of the wind
it’s stirring, it’s buzzing. every inch of this earth. the people, the cities, the tiny microbes
it’s overwhelming really. but to capture all that life is, well that would simply suck the wind right out of you.
to be aware of such utter brillance…. well that’s nearly impossible
it’s like staring at a thousand suns, you simply must to look away.
All we can do is take it piece by piece, and moment by moment, and be simply overjoyed that I’m here, because of one million chances, one million twists and turns, one million maybes. I’m here.
While it may be dumbfounding, and perhaps it will never ever make sense, here we are, in a utopia laid out before us.
here we are.
sink into life
feel it wrap its arms around you
plant a tree
Someone once told me that the best time to plant a tree is… 25 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree… is today. These simple words represent such a complex idea, a duality of emotions that I grapple to embody. On one hand, we all have regret. We ponder, we sit upon, we dwell on the past… thinking and thinking about what I should have done, what I could have said, how I would have done differently… 25 years ago… if only… We hold grief, we hold sadness, disappointment, anger, etc, etc, about a missed opportunity.
And on the other hand, we all have the small flicker inside, a tiny urge to make a change right now. To swallow that fear, and face it today. Right now. Take the plunge, and don’t look back. Gamble, and risk it all. Just do it. Just say yes.
I find myself all too often living in the past, wondering, pondering. Reflecting about how the combination of my choices and miscellaneous happenings throughout a lifetime has led me to this point. I think it’s important to acknowledge the past. It’s important to express and acknowledge the grief of a lost time, countless lost moments which could have led to… who knows where. But it’s equally, and I mean equally, important to live now. Build up the courage, and give yourself a little shove. Make the decision to plant that tree today, give yourself a little shove…. smiling and quivering, take the leap and find happiness in your decision to take the risk
until my eyes lose you
Would you just stop and pause? It makes me so frustrated when you speed through the days. It makes me so angry, it makes me clench my fists when you steam ahead, leaving behind a blurry trail. It makes me stomp and cry out. You, like lava pouring down a mountainside, unstoppable. You, like a speeding train, accelerating and accelerating, broken brakes. You, whirlwind. You…. you’re leaving. you’re getting further away. you’re already disappearing into the horizon, getting smaller and smaller, until my eyes lose you. You’re far. You’ve left me behind, you’ve forgotten. How? How could you have possibly let me go, how could you let me slip from your grasp, so smooth. You’re far and I’m here, crumpled cardboard cut-out. Gazing at the surrounding vastness.
22 and looking for love
Here’s the honest truth put bluntly. I’ll admit it: I want hollywood love. I want all the romance he’s got, I want the man to pursue me. I want the man: the tall, muscular and fit man with blondish-brown short hair and minimal scruff, who can look amazing in a suit and a fitted black t-shirt all at the same time. I want the man: the confident and witty, yet sensitive man who has every ounce of passion for life that I have and perhaps even more. I want the man: the honest and kind family man who will be a fantastic father, husband, and lover. Are you starting to understand that I am slightly delusional in seeking for what I and millions of other single women would term perfection? But can you blame me?
In life, people strive for the best in any aspect of the human condition. We seek the best tasting food, we try to show the best sense of style, we attempt to satisfy all of our personal desires with the very best, given material limitations. And in love too. If one considers the nature vs. nurture scenario in my personal conundrum, nurture wins out ten-fold over nurture. Since an age when we start to perceive so-called beauty, our environment is quick to define the version of perfection. It’s ultimately what I described in previous sentences. Images of beautifully rugged men fill every angle of our peripheral vision each and every day. But not just images. It’s the notions, the personalities, the embodiment of values in combination with an extremely fortunate DNA. We are duped into believing that this perfect man is out there for every un-expecting, small-town, girl next door.
I fully understand that my expectations are undoubtedly shallow, unrealistic, and unattainable. But, I simply cannot help lusting over this ideal. And I can admit that this is my downfall: that I find faults fast, that I am unforgiving, that I pass over the just as amazing, nontraditional men. But, it comes down to the fact that reality cannot compete with an idea that is rooted within our collective conciousness. Ultimately, real men on earth simply cannot compete with made-up men who stand among gods.
reality within a dream is reality
MY dreams are amazing. beautifully filled with 5 senses– sight, well of course. the taste of chocolate, the smell of lemons, the touch of a passionate kiss, the sounds of human voice. perhaps the only sense lacking is reality in the traditional sense. But for that moment, for those utterly passionate moments, reality within a dream is reality. Without one doubt, the dream convinces the mind. Or perhaps the mind convinces the mind.
Dreaming, simply not so simple, is a space for the mind to wander. A space for the mind to fulfill desire, to face fears, to be invincible. It’s a reality completely our own. A reality, created somewhere between lobes of my brain. A full-fledged universe, with all the bells and whistles. A world undeniably mine, created and destroyed night after night after night.
Within that world, just as justifiable as the reality we exist in, the mind acts out, unharnessed from the ties of logical consciousness. Chaotic and oh so wonderful.
instinct from deep within
we grow from perfection. perfect eyes, perfect skin, perfect souls. we enter the world with total innocence that begins to fade the moment we take that first gasp. that first scream. that first wailing cry. evolution begins to creep out. out of our DNA. millions of years of evolution begins to take complete control. it dictates our first step, our first words. it dictates absolutely everything. instinct, from deep within. from deep inside. instinct that has been developing since the very first life, and the very first death. life and death, for millions of years. Breeding instinct, breeding what we are today. we start innocent, but we grow like seeds soaked in history, predetermined from the beginning of time. oh don’t be so naive– you have no control. everything that you are has been written since the beginning of time. you are simply fulfilling some master plan, preset well before the formation of your very own conciousness. animals simply breeding evolution for a future race, a means with no end in sight.
BE
be yourself. be positive. be outgoing. be social. be loud. be heard. be kind. be generous. be thoughtful. be empathetic. be powerful. be optimistic. be happy. be driven. be resourceful. be present. be green. be uncensored. be loved. be beautiful. be friendly. be calm. be respectful. be adventurous. be wide-eyed. be alive. be refreshing. be witty. be ablaze. be ambitious. be effervescent. be energetic. be entertaining. be fun. be goofy. be eager. be educated. be capable. be romantic. be ruthless. be tenacious. be undeniable.
the perfect body and the perfect mind
I can appreciate perfection. I can appreciate complexity. I can appreciate beauty. It’s all I strive for.
one more year
another year passed. the wind swept it away, like the leaves. another year, whoosh. another year slipped, slowly. another year dripped.
I’m one year older. I added one more year, another mark, another line.
its simply external.
internally I’m still. internally I’m constant. internally I’m simply present.
I am lost, in our rainbow
But in this shirt, I can be you, to be near you for a while,
There’s a crane, knocking down all those things, that we were,
I awake, in the night, to hear the engines purr,
There’s a pain, it does ripple through my frame, makes me lame,
There’s a thorn, in my side, it’s the shame, it’s the pride…
Of you and me, ever changing, moving on now, moving fast,
And his touch, must be wanted, must become, through your ask,
But I need Jake to tell you, that I love you, it never rests,
And I’ve bled every day now, for a year, for a year,
I did send you a note on the wind for to read….
… Our names there together must have fallen like a seed…
… To the depths of the soil buried deep in the ground,
On the wind, I could hear you, call my name, held the sounds,
I am lost,
I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,
I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,
I am lost.
But in this shirt, I can be you, to be near you for a while,
There’s a crane, knocking down all those things, that we were,
I awake, in the night, to hear the engines purr,
There’s a pain, it does ripple through my frame, makes me lame,
There’s a thorn, in my side, it’s the shame, it’s the pride…
Of you and me, ever changing, moving on now, moving fast,
And his touch, must be wanted, must become, through your ask,
But I need Jake to tell you, that I love you, it never rests,
And I’ve bled every day now, for a year, for a year,
I did send you a note on the wind for to read….
… Our names there together must have fallen like a seed…
… To the depths of the soil buried deep in the ground,
On the wind, I could hear you, call my name, held the sounds,
I am lost,
I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,
I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,
I am lost.”
a much needed release
here’s what I want to tell myself: just let go. It’s so exhausting to have an iron grip on everything, on every action and thought. There’s hardly anything one can control in life. It’s time to exhale. It’s time to release. All of this worrying, all of this dreaming, fantasizing, I fear life is happening in the background. Take what you get, it’s all you can do. Oh sure, it could have, would have been different. But, while the past in solid, it’s secure, it’s never-changing, and always will be, the future is a complete unknown. It’s the ultimate plasticity, it’s malleable, it is undecided. Perhaps. I guess, the goal is to be content, or not so much content as okay with, at peace with what has happened, what has occurred. All you can do is live in the present and look to the future. All I want, all I want is to let the past fade away, whatever I was, whatever fears and fantasies have held my hands, I want to let them drift with the wind. Step forward, and take what you get. It may not be ideal, in fact, it probably won’t be. But it’s something. Work with the cards life hands you and adapt. Only those that adapt survive. So in those moments of uncertainty, just choose. One path. And go full force, with every fiber. Don’t look back, adapt, and go after everything, everything.
Where does the plasticity go?
This momentous day. This moment that may be defined by years, by decades. It’s supposed to be a turning point, the start of a future so bright, and the close of a childish past. I thought these years, these past four years, would give me answers. I thought that I would exit with answers to the so many questions I entered with. But, I think I’m coming out with so many more. Questions, curiosity, wonder if decisions made were good, were right, were supposed to be. I have a hard time grappling with my decisions, I have a hard time not considering the contrary, and wondering what if, what would have happened, and what could have been. It tortures me, to think of all that I have potentially missed, all that I potentially lost. Oh sure, I’m certain some decisions were right, were good and were fruitful. But, there has to be that other half, that other 50% of decisions, actions, thoughts, and doings that were wrong, that should have been different, altered, changed for the better.
I guess it all comes down to regret. Regretting decisions, regretting actions or, more likely, non-actions. Stifling actions… well that just stifles self-growth. Agh, what am I really even talking about?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that uncertainty is cruel and inevitable. All you can do is go with your gut, but moreover, push yourself to take that chance. Take that risk that may seem a little risky, a little uncertain, but the potential gain, potential being the operative word, it is quite huge. Staying with the safe, staying with what you know, well…that stifles.
So here I am. Once again, constantly returning to this one place. This one edge. In my mind’s eye, in the depths of my cluttered imagination, I see a cliff. Behind me is a lush, tropical rain forest, and before me is a sheer drop. I can see the horizon, and there are clear, blue skies above. The wind whips my hair back, air circulates through my nostrils, into my chest, and back out. I can feel the presence of something bigger than me. I feel surrounded by nature, nurtured almost. I’m peering down, into the depths, but I cannot see anything. It’s so peaceful here. I stand at the edge, I peer below, but I don’t jump…. I just stare below in wonderment.
Well. I wonder. In this fantasy, in this mind’s moment, in this figurative scenario that seems to have been built up in my mind by the figments of my life experiences… I wonder if it’s symbolic or simply bull. Am I standing at the edge of some big decision? Am I supposed to take this big leap, this big lunge? Will things change, will my life change for the better? There goes my fear of uncertainty again… it’s so hard to control sometimes. But it’s so true. The uncertain. It’s a scary place to grace.
As I get older, as I become more familiar with this world and as I learn more about myself, I find it hard to change. I find myself getting set in my ways, in my beliefs. I find it hard to make that change, to take that risk. Why is that? Where does the plasticity go?
do not read
So let’s write. Right from the top. Play words like piano keys. Music from the mind.
Big sigh. What to write about tonight–dim lit room, it’s quite calming, really.
Blink. Blink. Um. . . . . . . . . . . .
10 minutes have passed.
4 more.
mind blocked. locked.
