Revitalization’s Weblog
For the curious, questioning, and wandering soulArchive for adventure
And what do I want?
I think I’m more hopeful. I think this summer has been great. Some flirtations, some adventures, some great conversations. I think there’s a lot that the future holds. I think that I’m beginning to know not only who I am, but what I can do. What I can achieve. What I want.
And what do I want?
I’ve said this before. I’ll say it again. I want love, I want life, I want a pure and sincere happiness that runs deep. I want adventure and surprise, I want to be better. I want to be STRONG, confident, powerful, and able. Able to choose, able to believe, able to aspire, able to achieve, able to reach, and able to grab.
I think I’ll get there. I think I’m getting there. To that point where I can finally be the best version of me, and offer that person to a world where acceptance is abundant and ambition flows.
I think I’m getting there. And while my road has had bumps, grooves, obstacles and u-turns, I’m getting somewhere. There are two directions, there has always been two directions: up and down.
I choose up.
blind yourself
life is about distracting yourself. Blinding yourself. Making yourself look away from the harsh truth that death is.
Death is
harsh
blunt
lonely
cold
finding love isn’t easy, you have to be ready for it
Some people are open to love. Some people live with open hearts and those kinds of people find each other- at the supermarket, book store, coffee shop, or what have you. Those kinds of people will love often, and grow frequently.
I’m not sure if I’m like that- for some reason, maybe life experience or maybe genetics, I’m not someone who is open and free with love. I hate that. I wish I was open, honest, and forward.
hmm… some people have it…. some people know what love is, how to attract it, how to find it… some people are in touch with that… that innate human intuition…
dusty footprints are swept away
I think about those common people, who have been swept away with the wind. Those who have died, those who have loved, those who have lived greatly, those who were. I think about those people who used to be living, and now exist only in the wind. While they tried, desperately, to put their footprints on early terrain, while they tried to create lasting impressions, to make differences, to be remembered.. they were forgotten. And to no one’s fault… they were forgotten because that’s what happens…….and that’s what always will happen… people forget, memories fade fast, and dusty footprints are swept away by the breeze.
I wonder if that’ll happen to me. I know inevitably it will. I know that everyone I know and everyone I will ever know will fade away with me, when I’m gone. I know it will happen. It’s an eerie feeling, and a spooky thought. While I have lived, and while I am trying to do good and great things…I will fade… along with all that I know, and all that I’ve done. In some sense, one must ponder, then what’s the point. Why even try? Because in the end, everything breaks, and people forget… but I think it matters. If not to anyone else, actually… to no one else, it still matters. To you. You will remember, and you will have lived, and loved, and done grand things… you will remember… even after being swept away… I hope………. I hope I will remember
You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself.
you know… it’s about a lot. and this might just be bullshit, but hey who knows, it might be true…
today, i just feel like writing, and i just feel like there might be someone listening. I feel like, if anything, I could be listening! I will listen. listen up self.
it’s about a lot. life, i mean. life’s about a lot, and it’s about realizing that life’s not short. LIFE IS LONG. Life is long, and hard, and beautiful, and tough, and crazy, and at the end, we may want more. I mean, quenching a thirst for life, I don’t think that even exists- you gotta want more and more, and at the end, you feel like wow, it’s done. life’s done? i mean…. really? how can that be? And i hope that once i get to that point, when I’m saying Wow, life’s done, and this is done, i hope that… well i hope that i had a great one. One that i can be happy with, and feel fulfilled. Not financially, or professionally, or superficially… but internally, and simply happy. content with what i’ve become. content with what has happened.
Life is long. and… while i fear a lot… i fear that everything won’t happen for me… i fear that i made mistakes.. i fear that i won’t have enough time… i have to believe that it will happen for me, and that while i have made mistakes, there is time and it will happen. it will come.
It will come. Will it come? I think we have to believe that it will. I think there is no other way to live. Because to live in fear, doubt, and frustration… well that’s no way to live. Oh sure, fleeting doubt and fear, it comes, but it should go. let it go.
Let it go. And hold onto hope, and believe that it will come. Because, if anything, trust in the fact that you have yourself, if nothing else, and if no one else, you have yourself. And that’s special. That’s unique, and undeniable. That’s remarkable, and no one can take that away from you, even after it’s all over. Even after death, you have yourself.
You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself. Because in the end, things break, people leave, and the world turns- and if there is nothing left, nothing at all, you have you. You have you, and that’s remarkable. So trust in yourself, trust in life, trust in promise, trust in the human condition, trust in you that: it’s about a lot, and while life is long, it will come. So let it go because you have yourself. Undeniably.
today i can
today I can stretch. today I can pull my hands up over my head and stretch- a good, long, nice stretch. today I can fall back into white pillows, softly smiling. today i can look through the blinds, and let the sun pour on my cheek. today I can breathe deep as my eyes flutter happily. today i can
Why do we get to be?
Fragments. Fragmented, cut up, broken. It’s what we know. These sharp shards of all that we know sit in our minds, and somehow we cope. I mean I don’t really get it… I don’t get how I can live in this world, and accept that I don’t, and will never understand everything. I don’t get how I can live in this world, and walk the same paths, and do the same things, and see the same people, and not understand everything. Honestly.
We come into this world, a screaming pink ball, so angry that we had to come out of that comfort place, that beautiful warm womb. We come into this world, and are expected to adapt. And grow. And accept. Accept all that we see, and all that is, we must accept it because it is here, and it is real, as real as we know. And because it is here and because we can see it, touch it, feel it, it is real, and that’s all that matters. So we live in this world.
We live with these fragments. Fragments of what life is. Fragments of what “human” means. Fragments of a higher power that is all knowning. Fragments of an eternalness of it all. Fragments of the universe that we somehow, somehow are a part of, without even acknowledging it, we are, we are a part of it. Fundamentally, and essentially. It is unquestioning. Right? Maybe.
I just don’t get it. I mean, I get that there is life, and there is us, because I am here, at least in this moment I think I am, and I think that’s good enough to acknowledge that this is true. Right now is happening, at least we think it is. But, in essence, what does it matter if it truly is or isn’t. Because thought, and agreement that what is, IS, well that makes things real. And so I am sitting here, real. I am real, and you are real, and we are living in this world together, as we imagine it and percieve it, and how we see it makes it how it is, because that is all we know. And so we sit here, together, in this world, seeing, living, breathing, and nothing.
No questions. No demands for answers! NOTHING! I don’t get it! I don’t get how people are just “OK” with this. This reality- people accept it, undeniably. As if this is real, because it is what we know. There is no questioning. None. There is no question about why! There are no questions about us, and the universe, and where we come from- where these personalities, and thoughts, these complex and unique thoughts come from. Sure, from DNA, from genes, from biology, but why? Why do we have capabilities to be? To be freely thinking and moving? Why do we get to be?
Why do we get to be?
I guess that’s the question right there. And, if we get to be, and I think most would agree, at least those who are, that we are, right now, right here, we are. And if we are, and we get to be, and maybe it’s this wonderful gift, maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it just is, then why do we get to die? Why do we have to die? Why do we get to live and get to die- it should be really one or the other. But then again, who I am to say what things “should” be like. Haha, it’s comical really, to think that we can suggest how things “should” be, when we have no control over how things are. We are just thrown into this reality, and are expected to accept it, and to just be “ok” with the fact that we get to live and we get to die.
So why do we get to be? And why do we get to die?
becoming healthier, skinnier, and let’s face it, happier
I’ve been struggling with this for a while now, and It’s tough. There’s no other way to put it. I feel like there’s so much pressure on girls to be thin, pretty and slender, athletic and toned. And, while I eat healthily and try to excercise a couple times a week, I don’t think I’m putting enough effort into it. I honestly think I will be happier with myself if I lost 10 pounds. Honestly. And I know, I know that losing weight won’t make your life better or brighter, but I can’t help to think that it will. I can’t help to think that I will be more confident and just be able to appreciate myself and love myself as I see my body in the mirror. Superficial? Maybe. But in this world, in society today, what else is there?
So, I really want to put a true effort into this. I’m sure many women and maybe men can relate when I say that I’ve decided, one morning, “I’m going to be super healthy today, and start a new diet to lose weight.” And this lasts for what?, a couple days, maybe a week if I’m lucky! Then, temptation creeps up on you and suddenly you’re eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s along with a slice of pizza! It’s all oh so over after that
geez, this is going to be tough! But, for my sake, for not only my superficial need of being more slender and therefore prettier and more confident, I also want to do this for my health, so I can live a long, long, long life. I want to make this a lifestyle change. Not a diet that I stick to for a while. I want to change my ways, and with my sweet teeth (as in plural), it’s going to be tough. And I know there will be days where I crave and crave and desperately want to indulge just that once, just a tiny bit, I have to refuse. I have to, otherwise it won’t work.
And so, hopefully, I sincerely HOPE that I can start this change tomorrow. I want to start excersising more, at least 4 times a week, and writing down everything that I eat so I can pinpoint where my weaknesses come in. I think that this will really help, because I doubt most of us realize what we eat during a day or a couple days collectively, I know I don’t think about it very much. I want to cut down on sugars and fats, and increase in vegetables and fruits. I want to make sure to eat smaller portions in every meal, and avoid snacking during the day. So tomorrow, I start. Tomorrow I will change my lifestyle, and be successful. BE STRONG and say goodbye to instant satisfaction!
Diaries of a Vagabond
I sit here, listening to some sad music, putting me in the mood, urging me to write pitiful words. Hah. The hairs stand on my arms, my eyes ache. I love the violins, the sad sad violins.
Just BREAK me down! I am starting to crave it—just an earth-shattering blow to my world. Break it into one trillion pieces, break crack rip smash. Oh what I would give to…. To move, to start again and again and again. It gets so boring. One life, one way of life, I’m tired. Turn it upside down, shake my shoulders. Am I seriously the only one? The only one who is bored, bored of this, of doing this, again and again. Eat, sleep, gym, study, work, play. How utterly dull, such monotony.
I don’t know how to do it, I don’t think I’m big enough to take the step. I don’t think I could do it to myself- change it all, just leave it all behind. Really, if I just picked up and left. Stepped onto a bus, and went. Got onto a plane, and left. Just left. I mean I don’t know if…. Hmm……vagabond
My shine is wearing off. Like an old penny, covered in age. The glisten in my eye is dimming, the light in my pulsing heart flickers. Maybe reality is setting in, and I am hearing. I am seeing what ‘to be human’ really means. I’m seeing agony, I’m seeing heartbreak……………I’m seeing fear….. helplessness.
I can see it in strangers’ eyes. I see how much it hurts.
But we get by, because that’s all we know. And so we shuffle along, and keep treading water and we make a little life, surround ourselves with material comforts, and try to forget, plug our ears and close our eyes shut tight, and just block out what we don’t want to hear, what we don’t want to realize is so true.
And I see myself… I can see myself on this path, on this specific road, going down the ignorant road. Is it so wrong that I want something different for myself, for me, is it so wrong that I want something great? So just give me an earth-shattering blow and break me down into one trillion pieces so I can wake up and start again, so I can try again………. I just need to try again….let me try again
a random 15
I like the smell of hot milk.
I love sleeping in soft beds.
I think I’m a sincere person.
I like to sit in the front of the bus so I can see the road.
I try to read books that will open my eyes.
I love getting hand-written notes.
I like listening to songs over and over again.
I prefer rainy days.
I think there are people that weave in and out of my life, and I in theirs, where we have never met and may never meet, but somehow we are undeniably connected.
I want an amazing romance.
I like to make eye contact with strangers.
I save random objects and notes I find in a little hidden box.
I write things on money in hopes that they will return to me in years and years.
I look forward to really honest moments.
I sometimes forget to look up at the stars and realize how infinitesimal life is.
A Social Experiment
I’m starting a social experiment to discover how beautifully interconnected I believe the human race truly is! Please visit my new page: reveal your story.
Send me your life stories, or events and moments you experienced that were life-changing, inspiring, and revolutionized your view on life.
I am sure that I as well and many others will benefit from reading your story, so please send them to revealyourstory@gmail.com
his beautiful face and his beautiful mouth
why the hell not?
I can visualize these things that hold me back, I can see shyness, I can see embarassment, I can see fear, I can see nervousness.
But above all else I can see him. Out of the corner of my eye, I see his beautiful face and his beautiful mouth. I try to catch a quick glimpse, capture a fleeting image.
He’s beautiful, the way he talks, the way he laughs, the way he looks
I think we could be good, great even… and I don’t even know him and I don’t approach him and I watch him leave as my heart follows
I wonder why I can’t have him, why I don’t pursue him, why the hell not?
Little mental dreamthings
I can’t help it. I can’t help but look forward, to the future, to a better time where I’m more stable, happier, more confident, a better person; some place and time where I can appreciate life more than I am right now. I realize I have a lot of growing to do- I still haven’t found all the answers.. and I know this because of the way I act, the way I think, the things I do that I know are slightly wrong, or silly, or not right. But I wonder if that day will ever come- that day when I have all the qualities I dream up, the person I’m “supposed” to be… I consider it may be a perpetual quest.
And I can’t wait for the opportunities! I literally can’t wait- I want to do it all, and right now! I want to have it ALL. They tell me to wait, “your day will come,” you’re too young now, you’ll have time for that… but that’s just it, I might not… I might not have time, I can’t see the future and I don’t want to be living for that hazy futuristic time where I may, somehow, if the time is right, and if I’m old enough, and if I have enough money, and if I’m in the right place… I don’t want to wait for that day. I know, I want a lot. I want to do it now! I want to experience it now- all that life has to offer, I want it all- I want to travel, really travel and immerse myself in somewhere so different, I want to love (clearly I haven’t done that enough), love so purely and without fear! I’m so ready, and I’m anxious!
Oh the things I want to do, the things I dream up, my little mental dreamthings…
Kiss me! Or I’ll pounce
I have the strongest desire to grab the next semi-good –looking guy I see, and kiss him on the mouth. I am so stir-crazy, it’s ridiculous! I find myself fantasizing about the guys I see around- the guy at the bookstore who I made small talk with, the guy at the mall who I made I contact with (multiple times), the guy at work who I desperately want to meet. I want a guy NOW!
Before, I would criticize myself on my faults: my semi-pooch of a belly, my little love handles, my short torso…etc. etc., thinking that these are the reasons guys don’t like me, thinking that my lack of perfection was my utter downfall. But now I realize the only thing I can criticize is my lack of boldness! I need to meet guys, be out-going, talkative, and myself- mostly be myself! I need to stop bottling up, and be approachable, and approach people!
So that’s what I’m going to do. From now on, I’m going to focus on the positives, be myself- unyieldingly and get a guy! Hah!
I don’t find a guy soon, I might blow up or just pounce on the next guy coming my way!
Kayak Catharsis
Today I went kayaking. Random, I know. And much out of the ordinary! When my friend asked me to go, I was unsure, nervous about doing something that wasn’t programmed into my day-to-day summer routine. But, I decided I was going to start tip toeing out of my comfort zone; I decided I needed different, and if anything, this could potentially be great exercise.
So, we strapped the kayaks onto my friend’s car and headed out to the river. On the way, I kept thinking, I hope I don’t fall into the water… I hope I remember how to kayak—it had been so long since I had. But, once we got there, and lugged those heavy boats into the water, I was excited. I was, for once, happy to be outside, in the sunshine, on the water, with swans, insects, and balls of slimy algae. It was great! I was in nature, and ready for all it had to offer me. At least I thought I was ready…
My friend, much more muscular and experienced with kayaking, easily passed me with her quick and smooth strokes. I struggled to keep up, often drifting off to the side or colliding with her kayak. But, going downstream, with the wind behind us, kayaking wasn’t so bad. It was fun, as I peered through my tinted sunglasses at the buzzing life that infested the banks, and at the blue sky complete with a sparkling sun. Even while my arms started whining, I continued, not ready to let anything to ruin my time.
When we decided to turn around, I began to worry a bit. I thought we had travelled quite a distance, and I thought it would take a while to get back. But I had no idea! I soon realized that my good friend the wind, who easily pushed me downstream, became my greatest foe. Ugh! I began to paddle—hard too. It seemed I was either going ant speed, or not moving at all. And if I stopped for a few seconds, to rest my now aching arms, the winds were determined to undo the little progress I managed to achieve. And, as to be expected, my friend paddled strongly and quickly upstream, appearing to be unfazed by the wind factor. While she began to disappear and as I struggled to move forward at all, she would look back and urge me to catch up. Humph! As if I could if I wanted to!
We travelled like this—she stayed what seemed like miles ahead, while I busted my butt to move forward at an extremely, excruciatingly slow pace. All the while, I kept getting wet! Water drops fell off the paddles and onto my sleeves and pants, basically drenching me. Every stroke I took, water would hit my face—another sting to make me feel more and more defeated as time went on. I wanted to stop paddling so badly! My arms were sore, the winds had turned on me, nature didn’t look so glorious anymore, and my all-too-experienced friend made me seem slow and inadequate.
But then I thought, this river was so similar to my life in so many ways. At times, I’ve felt like I was going up stream without a paddle (though I had one here, so I guess this cliché doesn’t really work). But, there are a lot of negative things in my life holding me down, pushing me back, and not allowing me to reach for my full potential. This river was doing the same thing! Not only was it not letting me get back to the warmth of the car, but it was also throwing every deterrent it could at me- be it wind, waves, or water. And so, I suddenly felt the urge to overcome this sucker! I wanted to conquer it, and prove to myself that I could finish this, and I could overcome anything in my life as well, however hard it may be.
I sat up, took a deep breath, and dug my paddle into murky water, determined. And I continued by snail speed, once stroke at a time, oblivious to the water splashing all over me. Finally, after a loooong time and a lot of effort, I saw the dock! I pushed forward with more force- even increasing my speed a bit! When I made it, I was relieved! Yes! I had made it, I had it in me to finish! Woo Hoo! And I got a great arm workout at the same time.
Today was a good day.
