At this moment, right now, I want to remember my standards and my expectations. I want to remember what I stand for and what I’m looking for. There are some things that you can compromise on and there are some things that you cannot compromise on. I expect and demand reliability, I expect you to follow through with what you say. I don’t tolerate someone treating me poorly, treating me in any way that I don’t want to be treated. Yes you’re nice, you’re fun…but you seem inexperienced. You’re unsure. You don’t really know what you’re doing. Maybe you’re inexperienced, but maybe this is just who you are. You just might not be able to fulfill what I want and what I need. And I won’t apologize or compromise on my needs. I expect certain things from someone I’m dating, from someone I’m pursuing a romantic relationship. Trust is the foundation, it’s delicate and it takes time to foster, and if it’s broken again and again, well that’s just destined to fail. I need to stay firm, stay strong. I am running out of patience and understanding. I’ve given you multiple chances to show and prove who you are, what you stand for, and how you choose to treat me. Because life is full of choices, every moment, every minute, every hour, every day…. and I’ll judge you on your choices, and how you prioritize your time and your energy. If something isn’t in my best interest, I need to walk away, I need to listen to my instincts and my gut. I need to be strong. I need to stand for what I believe in. Because our beliefs are challenged, at times it’s extremely difficult to stay strong and firm in what you want, what you demand, what you know you need, but you have to look inward at these times, look into yourself and realize who you are, where you’ve come from, what you’ve gained from years of experiences with people on this earth. Realize that you’ve known better. You see in others that there is better out there. Choose yourself, choose the better, choose faith, choose the future that you want. Choose happiness, choose comfort, choose peace. You are an amazing creature, beautiful, smart, strong, witty, and altruistic. You should be with someone who can only enhance yourself, bring you to a higher level, not bring you down. Believe in that. Always.
She looks to her past, she sees glimpses of memories, the moments that made impressions so deep, imprints in her mind that returns in a fleeting second… triggered by anything, a photo, a smell, an object… She looks to her past, she sees him… and how much of herself was wrapped up in him, how she changed because of him, how much she grew in confidence and self-love because of him, how she loved so deeply for him… She remembers the love, the feeling… and… even after a year, as the details of his face become hazy, and the feeling of his hands become blurry, she remembers within an instance how it felt to be so deeply and purely loved and how beautiful and scary it was to love in return. The mind prefers to remember the good, the beauty, the special moments, the firsts, the laughs, the utter bliss, the passion… I think the mind naturally tries to block out the bad, perhaps it’s protective, but the mind easily forgets, perhaps it actively forgets the moments that broke her, that broke them apart.
And she still wonders why sometimes… She still questions where the love goes. There’s still a slight sadness that she carries with her, always, because it feels like something that was so loved, so cherished, cultivated carefully and bloomed, the love between two people that existed, that spanned a portion of their lives… well it’s not allowed to be anymore, it has to pass, to dissolve, to fade, to somehow cease existing even though there was a time where it was everything– it was vibrant, it was full of life, it was full of future, of promise.
It’s sad, this is true, because the loss of love feels like the death of something dear. The death of something so powerful and beautiful. But she knows, at least she feels she knows, and her gut nudges her to believe that this is right, that this is how it was supposed to be. She tries, every single day, to take the good from him, from them.. to remember the good moments, the bliss, and to realize that she can and will find those emotions and feelings again. She tries, every single day, to remember that the love that she felt from him was a reflection of the love that she gave, that her openness and vulnerability facilitated that deep connection. That being true to herself, her wants, her desires and her dreams allowed for an incredible relationship with another human. And it’s a learning process, that’s what life is, right? To learn and continually adapt. She learns, she grows, and she hurts but she also adapts.
Keep growing, keep learning, and keep adapting. Take the blows in stride, take the losses as part of the journey… it’s a part of it, it’s the only true way to understand the value of love. Take the lessons and keep moving forward.
The music starts to play, lightly, the piano sings a soft lullaby, lulling your mind, sweeping your thoughts into currents and eddies, floating effortlessly, moving with the air, with the wind. You watch the keys dance, ivory white leaping and diving in a choreographed ballet with their jet black partners following in suit. It’s as if that’s all they know, because it is all they know and all they will ever know. Their purpose and their intention being to follow their bony puppeteers, the true orchestrators, and translate thought into harmonious cadence, inviting unsuspecting listeners to be swept up in sweet serenity.
What to write about today? What do I feel, what do I see? I feel like it’s been so so long since I’ve written here, written honestly and written openly. I feel like it’s been eons since I’ve let my creativity flow, letting it slide down the slippery rocks and land in the beautiful oasis of your mind. I think I use to think in wonder, wonder and color. I used to write beautifully, I used imagery and enlivened the senses. I’d like to get back to that, get back to the days when my fingers could tap across this board and create poetic prose with each click, masterfully, with little thought, with only an open mind.
I live for the chills. The unexpected moments that send shivers throughout your body. I live for the gasps, the sharp inhales. I live for the heartbeat of the lover in my arms. I live for that smell that smells like home. I live for that look, that calm, happy look. I live for his palm pressed up against my palm. I live for his light kiss on my neck. I live for the warmth. I live for the moments when we lay together, and we are it, the world, the universe… everything else is secondary.
I pray for clarity, I pray for peace within myself.
I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.
Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.
What is it about a man?
Is it his eyes, that pierce straight into yours, beautiful blues and greens. Is it his smile? That genuine smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes. Is it his jaw? Strong, firm and covered in soft facial hair. Is it his shoulders? His arms? His hands? That pull you in and hold you tight at night, that pick you up and twirl you around, that wipe away the tears from your eyes. Is it his chest? The most heavenly place to rest your head and allow your mind to wander as you feel each and every lub dub. Is it his legs? Long, lean, powerful and able to run beside you. Is it his smell? So intoxicating, it smells of home, of familiarity. It’s a smell that comforts, that reminds you in an instant of the essence of him. Is it his mind? Utterly complex. A mind that knows the world but remains untarnished and unjaded, a mind that is humble and kind, patient and loving, giving and truthful.
What is it about a man?