Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for November, 2007

Almost Lover

Goodbye my almost lover, Goodbye my hopeless dream. I’m trying not to think about you, Can’t you just let me be? So long my luckless romance, My back is turned on you. Should have known you’d bring me heartache, Almost lovers always do.

-A Fine Frenzy

Advertisements

Let me be perfect in the best way

I don’t want to be “good”

I don’t want to be just slightly above average

Just barely above the demeaning notion of mediocrity

I don’t want to think like her, or be like him, for who are they but normal

 

I don’t want to be “excellent”

I don’t want to be the highest tier of intelligence

Well above most others in IQ and smartness

 

I want to be strictly and solely “uncategorized”

I want to be at the level of: me

At the perfect level, at the status that is so right-on, it’s scary.

 

I want to be perfect, not in the conceited notion.

I want to be perfect in the way that makes me unique, amazing, spectacular

Whether this perfection falls well below “good” or far above “excellent,” I don’t care!

I want to be perfect in the way that makes sense to me. Period.

Watery Rejuvenation

The water slides down my closed eyes and curled eyelashes

The water drips down my nose

The water slips over the contours of my lips

My hands clamp over my ears and my fingers twist around my smooth wet hair.

I listen, I hear

I feel the darkness around me, I feel the warmth soak in, I feel rejuvenated

Pattering rain fills my ears, I return to thunderstorms

Lush plants soak up the droplets, water dances across their leaves and petals

Marbled gray and white streaked across the sky

Everything seems so raw

Earthy elements cleanse

All I can do is throw my arms wide, and peer above, allowing the coolness to overwhelm my senses

Allowing the water to fill my heart, my hands—I love that feeling

I imagine it’s like two hands that fit perfectly within one another

I think I’m in love… with love.

I think I’m in love with the idea of love.

I remember my teacher saying that we all go through life as an incomplete half, searching for that other half. That other half, that symmetrical match. I imagine it’s like two hands that fit perfectly within one another.

I think I’m in love with the idea… that concept of destiny: that somewhere, way out there, there is a man thinking the same thoughts, dreaming the same dreams, hoping the same hopes—symmetry.

I think I’m in love the idea that I have not missed my chance, there is sureness and I will meet him; he wasn’t that guy at the bus stop who gave me the time, or the guy I momentarily I made eye-contact with while crossing the street.

I think I’m in love with the idea that one day, when I do cross the street, and it is that guy…my guy, our eyes would connect, everything else would fall, the people around us would slowly blur and drift away in blackness, the earth would be shattering and breaking and changing, shapes would be molding; only him and I would be crisp, only him and I would be clear.

It makes my heart flutter—so maybe I am a romantic—when I think about the intimate nights; those life-changing moments when I look at him and know; those perfect, safe, warm nights when I lay my head on his chest, his heart beating and my heart racing,

Our two hands fitting perfectly within one another.

Broken

I’m missing the better days-

days of innocense and giggling, days of adventure and never-looking-back, days of drizzly fog and crisp air, days of hand-holding and kissing, days of glorious sunsets that reach across the sky and into your heart, days with purpose and triumph.

I miss the rush of life. I hate feeling broken.

No Flickering Flame

I don’t know what’s going on… I’m nervous! I don’t know what is going on! What should I do? WHAT should I do? I can’t seem to hear, I can’t hear what I need to…! My head throbs, and I feel unproductive, I feel STUCK… Stuck in sameness! I am nervous, I hear laughter, constant and annoying! I am stuck and I need to be outside! I need that contact with nature, I need that calm serene nature. When I look outside, I see a misty scene, where nothing is moving, everything still. Still. I need still… I think that would do some good. I feel ugly and average, I feel dusty and alone. I think my eyes need rest, I think I rest too often.

My throat is dry, my hands are clamped to my scalp, I am curled up in a ball. I think I’m going crazy… I wish. I think that normalcy is catching up to me, finally, suddenly. I think I am beginning to understand the dull, barrel of a world that I persist in. Hollow. I’m looking around. I’m looking around, trying to figure out what to do, what actions are necessary. I don’t like where I am. I am searching for a way out, escape, haven. I am looking for the wind, the sky. All I hear is laughter, constant and deafening, and the noise of the ordinary. I want to hear beauty. I wonder what that sounds like, I wonder because I don’t think I have ever heard it. I’m nervous, I’m stuck, I’m too much like the person I was, and not like the person I want and desperately need to be. I need a way out, I need to clear the path.

I’m flaring my nostrils, I am typing furiously, I am trying furiously to find a better way. I am so frustrated, I have bottled myself into a corner of mediocracy. I think I did this to myself, I think I did this years ago… when it was still possible to escape, I decided to follow stupidly, just like every other human being I knew. I don’t like where I am heading, I don’t

To be lost in my conciousness for a year or two would be blissful wonderment. To take a break from the life I, I created and punished myself with, what utopia. The saddest part of all of this, is that I can honestly and whole-heartedly say that I know, for a fact, I am not going to change any aspects of my life, I am going to continue my destined normalcy… And, I whole-heartedly wish this wasn’t so, I passionately wish that there was a flicker of hope. As of now, I see no flame.

The Fourth Dimension

Am I living it right? Life I mean. Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing? Being what I am supposed to be? Experiencing what I am supposed to experience? I’m confused.

I can’t handle the idea of death. It’s like trying to conceptualize the fourth dimension. Difficult. But moreover, I can’t stand the idea of dying without fulfilling some purpose. Some grand, worthy purpose. Something powerful and moving. I want to say that I died, living as much as I could. And so, can you blame me for wondering if I am in the right moment.

What am I doing that is so grand right now? I am laying here, typing away, offering my private thoughts to the world. Should I travel? Should I work? Should I study? Should I not do anything at all?

I worry that I will never find that chance or opportunity that was meant for me and will mean everything to me.

All that I crave is clarity.