Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for December, 2007

A mash-up

Reaching, kneeling down. Arms high above, hands even higher, muscles tighten. Reaching for something higher, but what? Trying to grasp the sky, trying to clench the sun, trying to hold onto clouds. A look of strained despair and subtle defeat, growing minute by minute.

Slowly defeat conquers, and it utterly drains.

 

These are pretty bad times; a funk that I can’t get out of, I can’t seem to pinpoint the start and I can’t foresee the end—all I know is times were better before, and I hope they get better soon. I dread the idea that the best times of my life have long passed. Right now, I’m overdue for some good, life-changing, eye-opening good.

 

The holidays, known for family, friends, and warmth and love, aren’t so this year. I recall other years where December was a great time! I used to feel on top of the world—I was pretty, and likeable, lovable, and popular. I had people. Now, I can’t help but to feel bipolar, trying to superficially get along with him and her, wishing that this superficial love and adoration would suffice and transform to a reality. But it is so not working.

 

I think I’m just in a bad place, I’m not being honest with myself. Every night I go to bed with such a defeated spirit, and every morning I wake up, feeling like today I could change the pattern, I could be good and true, today could be the day!—but I cannot even convince myself to believe that its feasible. And so I lie, to myself mostly. And, within an hour or so, the day becomes sour—words are exchanged, tears drip, harsh tones become permanent. I missed the sweet voices I used to hear, I miss the laughter and playfulness—it’s never as genuine as it used to be.

 

The new year approaches, and as usual, we hope, and a united human race, that the next year will be better and brighter and lovelier than the last. But is it ever? I’ll try to hope so, I’ll try…but every year, it’s harder and harder to be optimistic…

 

Just know that I’m overdue.

Overdue for some life-changing and eye-opening good.

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Quick breaths

Quick breaths, in out in out in out. Standing at the edge, looking down. Hundreds of feet filled with freedom.

In out in out, heart beats up down up down. Birds swoop and dive above, like ribbons in the wind. Edging closer, shoelaces dangle, heart drops, adreniline skyrockets. Placing two hands out, clammy palms down, the wind wisps around them, quick.

Up down up down, close eyes–calm overtakes, overwhelms. The highest high, teetering between boundaries. Clarity hits; it’s the apex of moments; a higher sense.

A perfect balance of all elements, a unison. It’s the moment, that moment! The moment that defines.

Open eyes and never go back; it’s simple, it’s clear: take the leap

listen and lose…

I hear the rain fall. I hear the crows call. I think my soul is too tired. All I want to do is listen and lose track.

Gasping

Something is gripping me tight! Around my waist and chest

It’s squeezing, pulling, and tightening, stronger and stronger

Trying to fight it off, grabbing and clenching at the collar, trying to pull it off

Its hands wrap around, its slender fingers interlace

It’s unbreathable—I gasp, gasp for air and desperate to wean it off 

Blades cut, I’m free—golden effulgence floods me 

I breathe, deep and pure, my lungs expand

My head is dizzy, and my heart pounds like drums, adrenaline pumps

I’m free

and I cry