Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for July, 2008

Improving

So this new attitude thing- it’s working! I’ve had some really good days, some of the best this summer. I’ve been trying to approach people, and be approachable, friendly, and open! Now, how to approach guys…hmm…any suggestions?

Kiss me! Or I’ll pounce

I have the strongest desire to grab the next semi-good –looking guy I see, and kiss him on the mouth. I am so stir-crazy, it’s ridiculous! I find myself fantasizing about the guys I see around- the guy at the bookstore who I made small talk with, the guy at the mall who I made I contact with (multiple times), the guy at work who I desperately want to meet. I want a guy NOW!

Before, I would criticize myself on my faults: my semi-pooch of a belly, my little love handles, my short torso…etc. etc., thinking that these are the reasons guys don’t like me, thinking that my lack of perfection was my utter downfall. But now I realize the only thing I can criticize is my lack of boldness! I need to meet guys, be out-going, talkative, and myself- mostly be myself! I need to stop bottling up, and be approachable, and approach people!

So that’s what I’m going to do. From now on, I’m going to focus on the positives, be myself- unyieldingly and get a guy! Hah!

 I don’t find a guy soon, I might blow up or just pounce on the next guy coming my way!

I want to LIVE before I die

Life is a funny thing. We get so involved in trying to persist, trying to last another day, trying to keep up with work, a social life, a love life, personal hobbies etc. We get so wrapped up in our daily little lives—And we forget to live. Please understand me when I say “live” not in the sense of living, breathing, or surviving. But truly living—I feel only a few have accomplished this. This sense of trying to learn for the sake of knowledge, trying to strive for something much greater, trying to be so much better, trying to find some sort of meaning that would justify it all. This idea of appreciating, on a much deeper level, the earth, the wind, the human condition. Viewing life, not as a curse, or something to just “live” through, struggle through, detesting any hardships and indulging in guilty desires. Viewing life as an opportunity, a chance that may never, ever come again, a chance that only happens once, and only happens for a few. The lucky few, living right now, in this moment, in this moment.

 

Oh! I want to live my life like this. Appreciating so deeply, and valuing my life to the extent that it would be unfathomable to waste a day, an hour, a single second. Packing my every moment of existence with meaningful experiences—viewing the world in all its glory, having worthy relationships with people, and being a true, independent, peaceful person. I want all of this! I want love, I want to travel to see it all—poverty, decay, wealth, and the avant-garde, I want meaning, I want to enjoy everyday, I want to be the person I conjure up in my head, I want to be proud of what I have become, and the morals I live by. Oh! I dread mediocrity, completely!

 

And when I die, when we all die, I want to be Okay. I want to be able to say, truthfully, that I have fulfilled all I ever dreamed in my lifetime, without major regrets. That I was bold, confident, beautiful, and brought meaning into my life. But, as it is right now, I’m terrified of death, of what it means literally, what it represents. An end, complete and blunt. No second chances…not one. It surprises me how, some days, I’m so ignorant to the death, creeping slowly. Maybe it’s some subconscious fear, maybe I force myself not to imagine it, therefore making it nonexistent for a day, or a week. But it always pops up, it always returns. I hate it, I hate having to accept it, undeniably, because whether I like it or not, it’ll happen—so when it does, I want to be Okay. I feel those who have terminal diseases get to stare into death’s haunting face much more often, and therefore get to live (in the true sense) deeper and truer. But, in essence, we are all terminal and we all going to die. So, I need to try to live, each day, staring into death’s terrifying eyes, forcing myself to be better, and get the most and best out of life.

 

I want to LIVE before I die. I want a lot.

Kayak Catharsis

Today I went kayaking. Random, I know. And much out of the ordinary! When my friend asked me to go, I was unsure, nervous about doing something that wasn’t programmed into my day-to-day summer routine. But, I decided I was going to start tip toeing out of my comfort zone; I decided I needed different, and if anything, this could potentially be great exercise.

            So, we strapped the kayaks onto my friend’s car and headed out to the river. On the way, I kept thinking, I hope I don’t fall into the water… I hope I remember how to kayak—it had been so long since I had. But, once we got there, and lugged those heavy boats into the water, I was excited. I was, for once, happy to be outside, in the sunshine, on the water, with swans, insects, and balls of slimy algae. It was great! I was in nature, and ready for all it had to offer me. At least I thought I was ready…

            My friend, much more muscular and experienced with kayaking, easily passed me with her quick and smooth strokes. I struggled to keep up, often drifting off to the side or colliding with her kayak. But, going downstream, with the wind behind us, kayaking wasn’t so bad. It was fun, as I peered through my tinted sunglasses at the buzzing life that infested the banks, and at the blue sky complete with a sparkling sun. Even while my arms started whining, I continued, not ready to let anything to ruin my time.

            When we decided to turn around, I began to worry a bit. I thought we had travelled quite a distance, and I thought it would take a while to get back. But I had no idea! I soon realized that my good friend the wind, who easily pushed me downstream, became my greatest foe. Ugh! I began to paddle—hard too. It seemed I was either going ant speed, or not moving at all. And if I stopped for a few seconds, to rest my now aching arms, the winds were determined to undo the little progress I managed to achieve. And, as to be expected, my friend paddled strongly and quickly upstream, appearing to be unfazed by the wind factor. While she began to disappear and as I struggled to move forward at all, she would look back and urge me to catch up. Humph! As if I could if I wanted to!

            We travelled like this—she stayed what seemed like miles ahead, while I busted my butt to move forward at an extremely, excruciatingly slow pace. All the while, I kept getting wet! Water drops fell off the paddles and onto my sleeves and pants, basically drenching me. Every stroke I took, water would hit my face—another sting to make me feel more and more defeated as time went on. I wanted to stop paddling so badly! My arms were sore, the winds had turned on me, nature didn’t look so glorious anymore, and my all-too-experienced friend made me seem slow and inadequate.

            But then I thought, this river was so similar to my life in so many ways. At times, I’ve felt like I was going up stream without a paddle (though I had one here, so I guess this cliché doesn’t really work). But, there are a lot of negative things in my life holding me down, pushing me back, and not allowing me to reach for my full potential. This river was doing the same thing! Not only was it not letting me get back to the warmth of the car, but it was also throwing every deterrent it could at me- be it wind, waves, or water. And so, I suddenly felt the urge to overcome this sucker! I wanted to conquer it, and prove to myself that I could finish this, and I could overcome anything in my life as well, however hard it may be.

            I sat up, took a deep breath, and dug my paddle into murky water, determined. And I continued by snail speed, once stroke at a time, oblivious to the water splashing all over me. Finally, after a loooong time and a lot of effort, I saw the dock! I pushed forward with more force- even increasing my speed a bit! When I made it, I was relieved! Yes! I had made it, I had it in me to finish! Woo Hoo! And I got a great arm workout at the same time.

            Today was a good day.

Do ugly people find love?

I want to be in love! I love the idea of a boyfriend, of dating, of connecting with someone romantically… I so want it! SO BAD! It seems like everyone around me seems to find guys easily, as if it happens daily, no effort needed, it just happens. Seriously, it just happens for people! I don’t know how… maybe there is some truth in the idea of destiny, but destiny has left me in the dust as you can probably guess by now! Those people who find their soulmates on the subway, or waiting in line at Starbucks! I want that! That would be great, I’m so open to meeting someone randomly, and making a great connection. But, as it happens, it doesn’t. Maybe I’m too shy, too introverted, not confident enough… Maybe it’s hard for me because my self-esteem is pretty low…

 

Please understand, I’m not saying I want gorgeous men! Model types, who have abs and perfect teeth. I want a caring, funny, and just all-around great guy. In my past… well, there’s just not much boy-attention that I can recall… the only major thing that’s happened was when I went to the Dominican Republic, met a guy, we liked each other, we hung out and flirted, but that’s it. I left, and I’m sure he’s moved on!, Other than that, I have had crushes since elementary school… on SO many guys, too many to count! Ha. I guess had better luck in my younger days than now… I find that very sad…

 

 I crave so much more, I really want to find someone great. I don’t know how girls do it—those girls who have boyfriends constantly—they seem to fall in their laps.. And I’m not talking about gorgeous girls, but normal girls who have boys, a lot of boys… One of my great friends has had so many guys, has slept with guys both young and old, and has found her soulmate—did I mention we’re the same age?! She’s so lucky, and I’m really jealous of her for that… Maybe it’s my personality, I’ve really changed, and gotten so self-conscious, probably because of the lack of attention from guys. I am always trying to slim down, making myself think that I’ll be more beautiful, confident and outgoing if I’m comfortable with my body. That I’ll be happier once I lose weight, I’ll have more friends, and meet more people… I know it’s all about attitude, but it’s getting harder and harder to make genuine connections with people. I’ve gotten shy, self-conscious, depressed from lack of lovin’ and attention.

 

So it’s summer now. Lack of excitement, of different people, of LIVING… this summer is seriously sucking! I feel uninspired to do and  to go out,.. It breaks my heart, and this is what I hope to avoid—spending one day of my life wasted.. I seem to be doing that a lot these days… I think about food/calories way too much… and try to go to the gym as often as I can… I have this theory that if I live it right, if I live life right—with confidence, self-esteem, power, awareness, presence, knowledge… etc. then good things WILL happen to me. I’ve heard that when you decide and open yourself to love, love finds you… And so I have to try, step out of my comfort zone (a stifling and suffering little suffocation box of a zone) and really try. I need to realize that every day, the people I meet and the things I can CHOOSE to do will never come back; that if I don’t act, all I’ll be left with is a big ‘ol bucket of regret. I need to take advantage of the people around me, and the people I meet. Above all, I truly desire finding someone… finding LOVE asap! I’ve made this my new goal… so far, no luck.

 

(Oh- and to all the guys who are reading this! Please know, that shy and not-so-pretty girls also crave attention from you all just as much as the gorgeous bombshell model types. Most girls like to be pursued (like me), so guys, be BOLD, and ask us OUT!)