Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

I want to LIVE before I die

Life is a funny thing. We get so involved in trying to persist, trying to last another day, trying to keep up with work, a social life, a love life, personal hobbies etc. We get so wrapped up in our daily little lives—And we forget to live. Please understand me when I say “live” not in the sense of living, breathing, or surviving. But truly living—I feel only a few have accomplished this. This sense of trying to learn for the sake of knowledge, trying to strive for something much greater, trying to be so much better, trying to find some sort of meaning that would justify it all. This idea of appreciating, on a much deeper level, the earth, the wind, the human condition. Viewing life, not as a curse, or something to just “live” through, struggle through, detesting any hardships and indulging in guilty desires. Viewing life as an opportunity, a chance that may never, ever come again, a chance that only happens once, and only happens for a few. The lucky few, living right now, in this moment, in this moment.

 

Oh! I want to live my life like this. Appreciating so deeply, and valuing my life to the extent that it would be unfathomable to waste a day, an hour, a single second. Packing my every moment of existence with meaningful experiences—viewing the world in all its glory, having worthy relationships with people, and being a true, independent, peaceful person. I want all of this! I want love, I want to travel to see it all—poverty, decay, wealth, and the avant-garde, I want meaning, I want to enjoy everyday, I want to be the person I conjure up in my head, I want to be proud of what I have become, and the morals I live by. Oh! I dread mediocrity, completely!

 

And when I die, when we all die, I want to be Okay. I want to be able to say, truthfully, that I have fulfilled all I ever dreamed in my lifetime, without major regrets. That I was bold, confident, beautiful, and brought meaning into my life. But, as it is right now, I’m terrified of death, of what it means literally, what it represents. An end, complete and blunt. No second chances…not one. It surprises me how, some days, I’m so ignorant to the death, creeping slowly. Maybe it’s some subconscious fear, maybe I force myself not to imagine it, therefore making it nonexistent for a day, or a week. But it always pops up, it always returns. I hate it, I hate having to accept it, undeniably, because whether I like it or not, it’ll happen—so when it does, I want to be Okay. I feel those who have terminal diseases get to stare into death’s haunting face much more often, and therefore get to live (in the true sense) deeper and truer. But, in essence, we are all terminal and we all going to die. So, I need to try to live, each day, staring into death’s terrifying eyes, forcing myself to be better, and get the most and best out of life.

 

I want to LIVE before I die. I want a lot.

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1 Comment»

  Matt wrote @

people question me constantly about why i do the things i do, and i always try to explain it to them in a way that they can grasp and understand, but i definitely think you have entirely summed up everything i have every tried to. you have put into words the things that i couldn’t explain, i want to travel, be poor or rich, does not matter, tho i would as any greedy being, prefer the latter. i want to learn as much about as much as i can, and put the knowledge to good use somehow, i want to try things most are too scared of breaking the cycle to try. life is entirely to short not to live. i want to live before the abrupt and definite end, and i want to be able to look back on every minor to major decision i have made, and be able to say, either that was a good decision because it was a good one, or that it was a good decision because i learned from it and it made me a better person. but this is less of a comment and more of a post in itself, when all i was going for was a thank you. :P


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