Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for August, 2008

Everything will be okay

I find myself thinking about death… not in a scary, suicidal way, but in a way where I’m trying to understand it, wrap my mind around the finality of it all, truly understand what the ultimate fate is. And there are so many different angles I see. Some days… well some days I forget. I live life as if I will always live, forever, and therefore I live it carelessly. And other days, those days when reality feels real, I start to feel the fear. The anxiety and worry seep out as mind chatter reminds me, this life, this life will end. There will be a time, and a place, a point in space, where you will end. Anything and everything about your essence will cease. For me, this is the most frightening this there is, I shudder and my heart breaks. How can this be? Me? Me! It’s as hard for me to comprehend as it would be to visualize the 7th dimension. I can’t understand! Truly, it’s so hard to first understand, and moreover accept. Every year, I slowly drift by this date, unknowingly–the day when I will die. The day where everything else seems infinitely trivial, and all that occupies my mind is if everything will be okay. And then my forehead wrinkles, and I worry if I will find meaning, truth, love, and passion. I worry if I will have all the great things in life, see all the beautiful places, and more importantly meet the most beautiful people who will teach me truths of love and wisdom. I worry that I won’t get everything out of life, I won’t experience all that there is to experience, due to fears, embarrassment, self-consciousness, and any other psychological restraints. But, first, and foremost, I worry that I won’t experience love, true and passionate and unyielding love. 

I wonder about my impact on the world. I wonder if my existence make some type of impact? If my life is intertwined with hundreds or thousands of people, so that some how my death made a ripple in some small way throughout the world, and the far-reaching edges of the universe. I suppose this doesn’t matter- I mean I’m only living for me, but I would still wonder if I did any good, if I affected any and every person I’d ever met, or made eye-contact with.

And, then I start to question who I’d become when I will die. How old will I be, what morals and beliefs will I hold- it could be today, it could be in the next 10 minutes, I could die. That frightens me to no avail. But, I imagine myself old, dying peacefully. I hope I will someday be able to accept death as a natural process which no one can avoid. Something that is necessary, for immortality would get dull way too soon. That if there was no concept of an end, no one would have any inspiration to live, to expand into life, and to experience every moment for all it’s worth. I guess, death is the only thing pushing me forward- pushing me to accomplish anything I want, urging me to keep absorbing all of life’s offerings, for it’s a time limit we all have to meet; a deadline- literally.

I think about my state- I’ve visualized my lifeless body with eyes closed. And I ponder about what nail polish I will be wearing, what clothes will I have on, what molecules of air will forever be encased in my lungs due to my last and final breath. It’s an eerie concept to think that one week prior, while putting on that nail polish, I would have no idea that this was my last and final paint-job. I wonder… such odd things.

As it is, there are days when I get close to fully understanding the meaning and the reality of my death, my greatest fear. But, it’s becoming easier to see, easier to visualize, yet it still frightens me and probably always will.

I have to hope, I have to earnestly hope, that when it all ends…

when all that I know, all my comforts and all my memories end,

when I end,

everything will be okay