Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for October, 2008

even though I don’t know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

I deeply connect with Valerie’s message in V for Vendetta: “Our integrity sells for so little, but it is all we really have. It is the very last inch of us. But within that inch we are free….. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must NEVER let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. Valerie.”

eyes blurred with tears

I need to feel something real, I feel like I’m skating on this layer of ice, speeding faster and faster, the wind whipping my hair back, and my eyes blurred with tears, I have no control, but I just go, further and faster. And I’m angry, at myself mostly, why would that be? I feel like I’m not trying hard enough, I feel like I’m selling myself short, I’m not opening my heart, I’m utterly failing at being the person I desperately hope to be, this image of a human I sincerely aspire to. Not so sincere I guess…

It’s tough. Life’s tough. This is tough.

God, I see those people. I see them. With their bright auras, so so innocent and whose smiles are true. So true that you couldn’t even try to deny them. I see them.

quick fix, dive downward, plunge

There are hollow walls. The bass is so loud, the drum. Seedy club, sweat and humid breaths.

My fingers curl around my quick fix, my beautiful little vial, my golden escape.

And, the other hand tightens, a fist.  I close my eyes and breathe in the night.  

Quick quick, tap tap

where can my words take me? I type with my eyes close, and somehow my fingers flitt across the keyboard. They scurry around, trying to find the right words, quick quick, tap tap. Failure is such a bad place to be. I never thought, never imagined myself to fail, fail to some societal idea of what is good or right or correct. I failed, according to you. And I thought, I thought, well I thought I didn’t. I thought, ME, I thought that I wasn’t doing so bad, so so bad that I deserved that, i didn’t think I failed.