Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for November, 2010

looking uP

honey. I’m here. I’m right here, standing bare-foot in sinking mud, my hands spread out and my head tilted back. The sun is bright, it’s burning white light. Everything is lit. I’m standing there, in sinking mud, my hands spread out, my tilted head, and my chest expanding and contracting with every inhale. Every deep, solid inhalation of clean air. I can breathe.

The mountains, the graphite mountains of gray, black, and white are shooting straight up, jaged and sharp. Shoot into a sea of blues. We’re here together, in this dusty sandbowl, looking uP

hair streaming behind

bullet in a track. zoom zoom, coming towards her. no turning back. clap clap. she killed it with kisses. walk away, wash it away, let’s go. bye bye, high notes. Come on, come run. Run for your children, and leave your loving behind. Hear the beat, hear the drums, hard sticks smack smack. Angels singing, high notes. dramatic. what was left? after that, well. happiness. my heart, your…. hmm…. Dance dance, let’s forget, let’s dancing let’s ride away, clap clap. Run fast. just run, hair streaming behind, carry me with you, unbuttoned shirt. run run. horses run. OH. i’m behind you, bare-foot and all. Dress streaming in the wind, green pastures.

hawaii. blue stars.

where am I? hum dee dum. Hawaii. blue stars. I want to hold you. waves crashing, warm and pure. swaying back and forth. beautiful beauty. I see you. eyebrows arched. Close your eyes and what do you see? What would you find? purple and yellow fading. strange. you never knew. we’re dancing and dancing and you’re throwing me around, i’m floating, i’m smiling, it’s wonderful. you’re wonderful. you’re so wonderful. dee dum. strange strange. i feel your heart, i can feel your pulse, i can feel the warm blood gushing. feels warm, it feels right. baby. fade into me.

Fade Into You

it’s sprinkling outside. i’m smiling on the inside.

“I want to hold the hand inside you
I want to take a breath that’s true
I look to you and I see nothing
I look to you to see the truth
You live your life
You go in shadows
You’ll come apart and you’ll go blind
Some kind of light into your darkness
Colors your eyes with what’s not there.

Fade into you
Strange you never knew
Fade into you
I think it’s strange you never knew

A stranger’s light comes on slowly
A stranger’s heart without a home
You put your hands into your head
And then smiles cover your heart…”

-Mazzy Star

I am a life, and I am alive. Breathing and animated.

Just a moment ago, I stared at myself in the mirror, blankly, and tried to peer deep into my eyes, looking for something, anything at all. I just stared and stared, and then the thoughts began to flood my mind, as if the iron gates opened up. I was amazed. Now, don’t take this in a narcissistic way, I was just struck by the amazement. My eyes, they are big deep pools of brown and black ink; they tell a story. They speak of life forever evolving, they speak of change and of aging, they speak of every single thing they’ve seen since birth: people, sunlight, emotion…. they speak of their origins. My eyes talk a lot, apparently.

You know, we, as humans, tirelessly search for something unique, special, and amazing. Something out of the ordinary, something that defines a moment, and don’t we all crave to know those moments. We look for them constantly, chasing high after high, trying to greedily take the most spectacular experiences and hoard them for ourselves, hoping that doing so would make all of this mean something.

But, I am realizing more and more that this spectacular thing, this unique moment, this unattainable idea… it may be buried deep down past all the veins, arteries, and tissues. Somewhere, deep, in between a beating heart and expanding lungs. Within ourselves. I sat there awestruck at what I am:

a life

A breathing, animated life full of thoughts, moving across this earth in search for anything that will help me grapple with what being human means. It’s truly stupefying. Sometimes I can hardly believe it.

LIFE. it begins and ends with you.

LIFE. it begins and ends with you.

And all that happens in between, all the heartbreaks, they just fill the middle

You. You enter the world alone, crying and screaming. You grow up, you adapt, you rebel, you begin to realize, you begin to love someone, and you grow old.

But, after all of those years, wondering and hoping and crying and crumbling, you begin to fade away.

You have grown to know the external so well, it almost becomes all that you are.

But, you are still the only thing in this entire world and universe that you truly know.

you have you.

Life, it begins and ends with you. That will never change.

 

Hide and Seek

Where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can’t be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first…

the sweeping insensitivity of this still life…

-Imogen Heap

Orange Sky

Well I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
Yes I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky…

It’s a long road we’ve been walking on …

My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
Too strong to carry on

When I am alone
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I’ve lost all care for the things I own
That’s when I miss you

-Alexi Murdoch

Five, singular, solid, waxy minutes

I just had five minutes. One of those five minutes that reminds of what I already know, but seem to forget in the present. I seem to get lost in the current world that surrounds, I seem to forget where I truly stand. I seem to see what is placed in front of my face, what commotion enters my ears, what I am told to know.

I am being vague. What do I want to say to you? Why do I want to say this to YOU? I am not entirely sure, and I am almost certain that I am not entirely sure of anything. It’s part of the problem. How can you be, really, sure? When everything you know is what you are told, what is put upon you. From birth, you enter this world, screaming and raging that someone stole you away from serenity. You are pulled into a world of chaos, dumped into this manic life without so much as an instruction manual. But you pick yourself up, and you pick you head up, looking up. You look up at people, follow, and do what they say. After all, they probably know…. They’ve been here longer, they’ve experienced more of the “life” that is so new and so painful. They will steer me right. Right?

I think we steer ourselves, somehow, figuring that we should divide this world into what’s right and what’s wrong. What’s up and what’s down, what’s true and what’s not true. Well, what’s true is a truth I am trying to realize. I am trying to realize, I am trying to convince myself that those five minutes is all that is true.

Five, singular, solid, waxy minutes. They stood still. Individually. Like candles, solid and sound, dripping sound into my echoing eardrums, drumming about what I already know. It’s simple in a completely ungrounded, perhaps lunatic sort of reasoning: It’s hard for me to grip this tangibility, but it’s really the only tangible thing we have. I accept that I am here, in present moment, but that’s about the only thing I can accept. I.. I feel like I am making a mess of my words, of my thoughts, they are spilling everywhere…

Ok. All I wanted to say is that I had five minutes. Five minutes of realization, panic, and concern. Five minutes of red fear that life is ending for me, and everyone. Five minutes of doubt that anyone in this entire world knows anything at all about living, about life, about death, about…. What…we….are. Five minutes of melancholy. Five minutes of heart-wrenching agony. Five minutes of a furrowed brow. Five minutes considering the possibility that I may never figure it out….whatever it is.