Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for December, 2010

Snatching the Unattainable, Only for You

Fuck this shit. FUCK this. These expectations are too high. You put them there, on the highest shelf. Out of reach. Criticize and criticize, until you’re blue in the face. Fuck this shit. I hate it. I cannot handle it. I’m supposed to be hard and tough, build a hard, plastic shell around myself to protect my fragile innards from the verbal wasteland known as your mouth. Well, I don’t. I don’t have a shell, perhaps I tried to build one, make one…. but it has cracks, deep cracks and go straight to the core. and every time you poke, every time you comment, it sticks that dagger a little deeper, it widens the crack a little more, revealing a swirl of vulnerabilities.

Ok, so I’m not good enough. Is that what you’re getting at? That I’m not worthy of this time and this money, these resources and all that you’ve given me? Is that it? Because I cannot achieve the best, be the best, be the one and only BEST, that I am not worthy. This may have been a bad investment. I may have been a bad investment, because I certainly am not what you want, what you desire in your heart.

You, you want perfection. You want this from me. How cruel and undeserved. You tell me I’m wasting time, I’m wasting money, I am wrong, I only do things wrong wrong wrong. I can hardly take anymore. It is hurting my heart. And I’m afraid that there may be some permanent damage.

Oh sure, you’re blind with a vision. You’re blind with ego. But, you don’t see what you’re doing to me. Breaking me down, with every small comment, telling me oh so very indirectly that I am imperfect and wrong. Never right. I can never be right or good.

Disappointment, that’s all I ever feel. Well, perhaps that’s a bit extreme, but that’s what I feel right now. Disappointment because I cannot attain the unattainable. Because I am not good enough, and you expected more. You set the bar too high. And while I have tried for years and years to reach that bar, standing on the tippiest toes, I always stumbled, I always bumbled in your eyes. You don’t see me, you only see my faults. You only see what could be, what should be. You don’t see what I am, and what I have achieved, what I have managed to accomplished in the endless pursuit of trying to appease you and your thirst for perfection from me.

Oh it’s tiring, oh I am tired. This has been an arduous journey and I feel myself breaking down. I try to shield my fragile beating heart from those words, I try to persevere. But, there comes a time when you get through to me. You cut right into me, break me down and tell me to stand up to take some more.

How am I supposed to be a confident young woman, outgoing and smart? How am I supposed to tackle this world and believe that anything is possible, when, you have undoubtedly shoved straight into my face that hardly anything is possible, because I have achieved almost nothing.

You break me down, but I still come whimpering back, trying to please and appease, trying to gain your approval and praise, trying, desperately trying to snatch the unattainable-only for you. I try, I try, and I keep trying.

I dream of a love…

“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don’t want to believe it but, there is no man…”

-Sandra Bullock, Practical Magic

Oh Hello Perfect Man. Where have you been?

Love. In this life it may mean more than many things. More than most things. It’s what we want. It’s what we know. It’s what we search for. We look for love. Or…. Lust?  Strong arms, chiseled jaw, broad shoulders, kind eyes…

 I want to feel your arms, tight around me

I want to look into your beautiful eyes and let the world melt away

I want you to brush my cheek with your fingertips

mmMmm baby, I want to kiss you. I want to get lost in you.

I want to feel your warmth

I want you to be the only thing that’s sure. The only thing that I know is sure.

I want our silence to speak more than words ever could

 Superficial? Perhaps…..or, probably. I can admit that because in reality it’s what I want. It’s in my nature, my DNA, and deeply engrained in my core. That’s all I can act on and all I want is a perfect man.

A Series of Infinite Happenings

EVERYTHING has led up to this moment. The mountains moved, the earth turned, the stars exploded, and here I am. I’m sitting here, under an infinite mass of everything that has ever existed. It’s all above my head, all that is. It’s sometimes hard to believe that this moment has been pre-destined since the beginning of time. Since the Big Bang. Since the universe itself began. For this moment to happen, this one, an infinite things had to have occured. In a sense, we’re all connected, and anything and everything we do shapes each and every life. 

In life, from birth, you start moving towards this moment. From that first cry, to that first walk and talk. From that first fight to that first love, you move towards this moment. Everything you’ve ever done, all the people you’ve ever met, grazed by, made eye-contact with, it has all culminated, it has all added up… and the result? right now. This is it. You’ve been moving towards this moment forever. A series of infinite happenings must have occured for you to be here. right. now.

It’s astounding. I can’t help but revel in such an idea.