Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for March, 2011

Competing With Creation

As humans, we are always creating. New technologies, new medicines, new expectations, new standards. With progress comes improvement, or so we believe. But, are we creating things we cannot compete with? With unachievable standards of beauty, fitness, life accomplishments and more, it’s hard to believe that modern humans will ever be satisfied. Magazines, TV shows, and movies are all sending signals, messages, and cues about what life should be, and moreover could be. And so we begin to crave that, strive for that, reach for that… But do we ever reach it? Or are we constantly falling short to the standards we place upon ourselves? Perhaps we are our own worse enemy in some sense.

rain drops dropping down

It’s raining. Wet and gray. The outside seems serene, very quiet.

I like the calmness. It lets me take a moment and just…. settle.

Sink down into the gray haze. Stay still.

LOVE

I can’t help but wonder, where do you draw the line between settling and having too high expectations? I mean, does it really take compromise?

Life’s short.

Life’s short. Life seems all too short when you think about all the experiences you could have. All the things you could do, all the people you could meet. I have this fire inside of me, this passion, this strong desire to experience absolutely everything. I love where I live- California is beautiful, the rolling green hills, the beautiful oceans and bays. I fall in love with the countryside every single time I drive through, especially at sunset. It’s gorgeous. But, I imagine there is a million and one places on this earth equally stunning. I want to go everywhere– northern Maine, south of Italy, the Swiss Alps, and every place in between. Even more so, I would love to live in these places. Experience life in every city. I mean really experience day to day life: immersion.

I wish I could have grown up in a small country town, where one’s childhood consists of growing up surrounded by nature. Learning about yourself while learning about the woods, the creeks. A natural, pure life barely affected by an outside influence. I wish I could have grown up here, perhaps somewhere deep in Louisiana or Virginia. And, likewise, I wish I could have spent my teenage years living in Boston, Seattle, or New York City. Living the city life, and soaking in everything chaotic and exhilarating. These are the extremes, farm life and city life, but I’d like to know those and everything in between.

I want to travel to the furthest countries, to the sleepy European towns, to the Australian outback, to the seaside of South Africa. I absolutely love traveling because there is so much beauty not only in landscapes, but in culture and especially in people. They people you meet traveling, not only the locals, but those passing through. The fellow travelers, who are on the same quest as you: trying to soak in as much of the world possible, searching for a journey, for an adventure.

I wish we had limitlessness in life. I wish anything was possible and everything was achievable. We rarely get to choose our life experiences because, for the most part, but I wish it wasn’t so. I wish I could have more, I wish I could do so so much more. Travel and live everywhere, experience first-hand the sheer beauty that exists across the globe.

Why care?

Why do we care? Why are we concerned with not only ourselves, but about others. Go farther than family. We seem to care about strangers, as we are all selfless. Caring for the well-being of others… but why? Why do we want to reduce poverty in the global south? Why do we want to cure infectious diseases and cancer? Why do we want people to stop smoking, start exercising, and eating healthy? It seems altruistic on the exterior, but I don’t believe it.

What I do believe is that humans, and all animals, are selfish to the core. Our actions, our decisions, everything we do is always for our own good. Directly and indirectly. Take, for example, eating ice cream. We eat ice cream because it feels good and sends endorphins to our brain. We educate ourselves in order to get high-paying jobs. We exercise because we want to live long and disease-free. But, we also help others because it helps ourselves. Perhaps out of ego and pride, we advise others because it gives us a sense of superiority, we look for cures because it satisfies curiosity, we lend a helping hand because it makes us feel good.

Altruism- the act of being unselfishly concerned for the welfare of others. Not possible. No no no. We are all selfish, even if it is for the purest intentions, we always gain something. From every action, we gain something.

Wither in denial

I’m frustrated with myself, with this situation, with everything. God damn. What the hell is wrong? Why the hell is this happening to me? I mean, after a certain number of years, after so much self-reflection, after hours upon hours of pondering… It can’t be the world that needs to change. I need to change. I need to change.

I see it in others- I see their lives, it seems so much easier for them. It seems like they get it. Oh sure, I know everyone has their problems, and I know that I may fair better in certain ways, but still. Still, it seems to come easier for some. Are some people just lucky?

I’ll admit it. I want the perfect body, I want the perfect man, I want the perfect job, I want the perfect life. Perfect, not in a utopian sort of way, but perfect for me, perfect in filling my needs, my wants, my desires, my loudest dreams. And I think I try, I think I’m working towards my goals, I put the effort: I work out multiple times a week, I try and be out-going and funny, I strive to excel in education…. It never seems to be enough, there’s always something. I’m starting to realize that to get what I want, to REALLY get all that I want I have to work hard. I mean really HARD. Not the normal amount of effort, it must go beyond…

I want to achieve, I want to succeed, I want everything, I want the world. For me, for me…

It starts with you. You can only initiate, it’s in your capacity. I want to so desperately strive, but it is terrifying. Perhaps a fear of success, perhaps a comfort with failure…. it’s scary. But. I want the change, with every inch of me, I want that change. So it has to start with me- be the change you want to see in the world. Be the change you want for yourself. Be the change to change your life.

I’ll start here and now, I’ll make a plan and exhaust myself in attempting to achieve every last desire that fills my self. First, and foremost, dating: I want to date, I want to love, I want to be in love and know what that feels like. I want to see if love can change a person, I want to see what the world looks like when in love. I want that love, that deep love, but not only that, passion too. Ok, how to achieve it: I think I’ve been waiting for it. And while I realize it will not and will never come to me while I’m sitting inside my house, contemplating and scheming a future full of love, with a perfect man… that’s not the way it happens. It HAS to be harder than that… so I’ve got to put myself out there, be vocal, be out-going, be friendly, be personable, be approachable, be honest, be myself, be real. And TRY, try and strive, approach men and be confident in who you are- a powerful human being who knows what she wants.

I want happiness, I want a future so bright and so rich, I want a beautiful beautiful life full of love, travels, and good food. It’s possible, believe believe, but you have to try. You have to strive for it, and try. Pick yourself up, build yourself up, and BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.