Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Wither in denial

I’m frustrated with myself, with this situation, with everything. God damn. What the hell is wrong? Why the hell is this happening to me? I mean, after a certain number of years, after so much self-reflection, after hours upon hours of pondering… It can’t be the world that needs to change. I need to change. I need to change.

I see it in others- I see their lives, it seems so much easier for them. It seems like they get it. Oh sure, I know everyone has their problems, and I know that I may fair better in certain ways, but still. Still, it seems to come easier for some. Are some people just lucky?

I’ll admit it. I want the perfect body, I want the perfect man, I want the perfect job, I want the perfect life. Perfect, not in a utopian sort of way, but perfect for me, perfect in filling my needs, my wants, my desires, my loudest dreams. And I think I try, I think I’m working towards my goals, I put the effort: I work out multiple times a week, I try and be out-going and funny, I strive to excel in education…. It never seems to be enough, there’s always something. I’m starting to realize that to get what I want, to REALLY get all that I want I have to work hard. I mean really HARD. Not the normal amount of effort, it must go beyond…

I want to achieve, I want to succeed, I want everything, I want the world. For me, for me…

It starts with you. You can only initiate, it’s in your capacity. I want to so desperately strive, but it is terrifying. Perhaps a fear of success, perhaps a comfort with failure…. it’s scary. But. I want the change, with every inch of me, I want that change. So it has to start with me- be the change you want to see in the world. Be the change you want for yourself. Be the change to change your life.

I’ll start here and now, I’ll make a plan and exhaust myself in attempting to achieve every last desire that fills my self. First, and foremost, dating: I want to date, I want to love, I want to be in love and know what that feels like. I want to see if love can change a person, I want to see what the world looks like when in love. I want that love, that deep love, but not only that, passion too. Ok, how to achieve it: I think I’ve been waiting for it. And while I realize it will not and will never come to me while I’m sitting inside my house, contemplating and scheming a future full of love, with a perfect man… that’s not the way it happens. It HAS to be harder than that… so I’ve got to put myself out there, be vocal, be out-going, be friendly, be personable, be approachable, be honest, be myself, be real. And TRY, try and strive, approach men and be confident in who you are- a powerful human being who knows what she wants.

I want happiness, I want a future so bright and so rich, I want a beautiful beautiful life full of love, travels, and good food. It’s possible, believe believe, but you have to try. You have to strive for it, and try. Pick yourself up, build yourself up, and BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.

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