Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for May, 2011

a much needed release

here’s what I want to tell myself: just let go. It’s so exhausting to have an iron grip on everything, on every action and thought. There’s hardly anything one can control in life. It’s time to exhale. It’s time to release. All of this worrying, all of this dreaming, fantasizing, I fear life is happening in the background. Take what you get, it’s all you can do. Oh sure, it could have, would have been different. But, while the past in solid, it’s secure, it’s never-changing, and always will be, the future is a complete unknown. It’s the ultimate plasticity, it’s malleable, it is undecided. Perhaps. I guess, the goal is to be content, or not so much content as okay with, at peace with what has happened, what has occurred. All you can do is live in the present and look to the future. All I want, all I want is to let the past fade away, whatever I was, whatever fears and fantasies have held my hands, I want to let them drift with the wind. Step forward, and take what you get. It may not be ideal, in fact, it probably won’t be. But it’s something. Work with the cards life hands you and adapt. Only those that adapt survive. So in those moments of uncertainty, just choose. One path. And go full force, with every fiber. Don’t look back, adapt, and go after everything, everything.

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Where does the plasticity go?

This momentous day. This moment that may be defined by years, by decades. It’s supposed to be a turning point, the start of a future so bright, and the close of a childish past. I thought these years, these past four years, would give me answers. I thought that I would exit with answers to the so many questions I entered with. But, I think I’m coming out with so many more. Questions, curiosity, wonder if decisions made were good, were right, were supposed to be. I have a hard time grappling with my decisions, I have a hard time not considering the contrary, and wondering what if, what would have happened, and what could have been. It tortures me, to think of all that I have potentially missed, all that I potentially lost. Oh sure, I’m certain some decisions were right, were good and were fruitful. But, there has to be that other half, that other 50% of decisions, actions, thoughts, and doings that were wrong, that should have been different, altered, changed for the better.

I guess it all comes down to regret. Regretting decisions, regretting actions or, more likely, non-actions. Stifling actions… well that just stifles self-growth. Agh, what am I really even talking about?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that uncertainty is cruel and inevitable. All you can do is go with your gut, but moreover, push yourself to take that chance. Take that risk that may seem a little risky, a little uncertain, but the potential gain, potential being the operative word, it is quite huge. Staying with the safe, staying with what you know, well…that stifles.

So here I am. Once again, constantly returning to this one place. This one edge. In my mind’s eye, in the depths of my cluttered imagination, I see a cliff. Behind me is a lush, tropical rain forest, and before me is a sheer drop. I can see the horizon, and there are clear, blue skies above. The wind whips my hair back, air circulates through my nostrils, into my chest, and back out. I can feel the presence of something bigger than me. I feel surrounded by nature, nurtured almost. I’m peering down, into the depths, but I cannot see anything. It’s so peaceful here. I stand at the edge, I peer below, but I don’t jump…. I just stare below in wonderment.

Well. I wonder. In this fantasy, in this mind’s moment, in this figurative scenario that seems to have been built up in my mind by the figments of my life experiences… I wonder if it’s symbolic or simply bull. Am I standing at the edge of some big decision? Am I supposed to take this big leap, this big lunge? Will things change, will my life change for the better? There goes my fear of uncertainty again… it’s so hard to control sometimes. But it’s so true. The uncertain. It’s a scary place to grace.

As I get older, as I become more familiar with this world and as I learn more about myself, I find it hard to change. I find myself getting set in my ways, in my beliefs. I find it hard to make that change, to take that risk. Why is that? Where does the plasticity go?

do not read

So let’s write. Right from the top. Play words like piano keys. Music from the mind.

Big sigh. What to write about tonight–dim lit room, it’s quite calming, really.

Blink. Blink. Um. . . . . . . .   .   .   .    .

10 minutes have passed.

4 more.

mind blocked. locked.

The sweet violins. They lull me into lust. Mmmm. Lovely.

At last.