Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for September, 2013

waves

Be powerful, like crashing waves on a dark and stormy day. 

 

Advertisements

status update

currently coping with uncertainty.

Hallelujah

I close my eyes, I feel my breath. I feel my chest rise and fall, my heart beats calmly. I listen to the melody, I bask in the beauty. I see the ocean, I see the sky and the clouds. I see the waves roll in, blue water washing ashore. I feel the sun, warm and strong. I feel it in my bones. I feel connected, I feel in place, I feel a part. All is right with the world, in this moment, all is right. I peer out, as far as the eye can see, nothing but blue skies and ocean stretching across the horizon. And in this moment, that’s all there is. Hallelujah

Fear

It’s dark. It’s dark, and dank, and musky in here. Where I am, it’s a place with little hope, perhaps just a flicker, perhaps my eternal flicker. But it’s dark, and quiet, and solomn. It’s a place I try to avoid, it’s a place I don’t want to be. It’s a place of self-pity, of loss. A place of self-doubt, and judgement, and questions of self-worth. Full of insecurity and honesty, full of doubts and questions, full of fear. Full of fear. 

You chose her

I built a home for you, for me. In my heart…..you had a home. I saw us together. I saw us holding one another. You had me, you could so easily have me. You had me by the touch of your hand, the warm of your skin. You had me with your sweet, sweet smile. You had me with your kindness, with your care. You had me.

I built a home for us, in my heart, in my mind. I saw us together, happy. I saw us together and in love. I saw us, and it was spectacular. I saw us kissing, I saw us embracing, I saw me in your arms, wrapped up in your strong arms. I saw my body melt into yours. I saw hope, I saw happiness. 

We could have been great, I mean really great. I know we could have. We could have been something special, something to treasure, something sacred.

But you chose her, you care for her. I’m not sure how, I’m not sure how we could not possibly be, it seems so right, so natural…. so necessary. How can you be with her? What do you see in her? What do you see in her that you don’t see in me? Why her? Why not me? Why would you give up on us. We would have been great, we would have been beautiful together. I mean really, really good. She, well she is pleasant. But she doesn’t have the fire, the desire that I have for you. I don’t see it, I don’t think I ever will. It just breaks my heart, and I mean really breaks my heart that you don’t see us. I don’t understand, I don’t get it, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. Why not me? Why not us? I had such high hopes, I saw us, I saw us for the long run. I saw us forever. I saw us laughing, and loving, and in such peace, such comfort with each other. I saw us living our lives with each other. I saw us. 

And now you are with her. Do you see her, do you really see her in your life? In your arms? In your embrace? Do you love her? Does she fulfill you? Does she live and breathe to be with you. Because, I do. At least I used to. And may still do. How pitiful, how sad that I have to move on. I have to give up on such a beautiful dream. I have to give up on us. It would have been magical. It would have been so wonderful. I wonder…. I wonder… 

I just can’t get you out of my mind. Now that you’re gone, moved on, perhaps never thought of me. I wonder if you ever thought of me. We shared embraces, we shared a lot. But I wonder if you ever thought of me the way I thought, and I still think of you. I can’t get you out of my mind, each and every day, every hour I find myself thinking of you, pondering, wishing, and wondering. I find myself imagining, dreaming. I find myself hoping that you will leave her, and that we can be together. The way it should be, the way it’s supposed to be. But… alas, no. I keep my thoughts to myself, I try to distance myself from you… while it’s so hard to be away from you, I think it may be best. 

I sadly drag my feet, and try to move on. I try to push you out of my mind, I try to block the intrusive thoughts. I try to forget, I try to not cry. I try to move on, I try to see a life without you, I try to see how you are not right for me. I force myself to see your faults, to see why, somehow, why we could not be. And when I see you both together, I look away. Because that just breaks my heart again. That just reminds me that you chose her, that you didn’t choose me, that you didn’t want me. You. Didn’t. Want. Me. It just makes me cry…. and I can’t let you see me cry. I can’t let you see me this way, I can’t let you know the truth, what’s in my heart. 

Oh, we could have been great. We could have been something to remember. 

stay

stay happy

stay humble

stay bright-eyed

stay honest

stay open

stay calm

stay curious

stay hopeful.