Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop?

I think writing is cathartic, it’s healing, it allows one to get the words, the thoughts, the feelings, and the emotions out, in front of them, literally. I want to write more, I want to reflect more. I want to use writing as inspiration, I want to use writing as a way to work through frustration, through anger, through depression, through difficulty. I want to write without fear, without judgement, I want to be honest with myself, but more importantly, I want to be hard on myself. And when I say I want to be hard on myself, it means I want to be critical about the way I think, the way I am, my actions, and my beliefs. I want to always strive for being openminded, to be happy and to be enthusiastic about life. I want to keep myself in that wondrous state of mind, where life is beautiful, where the little things around us can teach us about appreciation. I want to be in a state of mind where I can encourage myself to be resilient. I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop? I’m growing and evolving as a person. In the last month, I saw a really dark side of me, of what failure and defeat could do to me, and that truly scared me. I’ve never seen that in me before, that level of fear and uncertainty, that level of… I don’t know what else to call it but fear. It was terrifying. I felt unwell, I felt dizzy, with heart palpitations and tremors. I was scared, because of external circumstances, because I had a deep, dark, unrelenting fear of failure that seemed unsurmountable and close to impossible to overcome. I really hated that one week, that week of pure terror. It was all new to me, I have never felt so unsure, so misdirected, so down, so rejected, so full of self-doubt. And I never ever want to return to that place. It scares me that I was able to go to that place, because I never thought I could be so affected. Others yes, sure, but me, well I thought I was resilient, I thought I was stronger and more powerful than that. I want to be resilient. And I think in times of difficulty and heartache and trouble and strife, I think that’ when your true character comes out. In times of struggle. That’s when we have a chance to truly evolve and push ourselves. Out of that dark, dark place, I found myself saying a mantra, I found myself saying that “action conquers fear,” I found myself doing things to make the fear go away, to put myself at ease, to justify what I am doing. And now, I know that that fear is ever-present, but only in the sense that it’s in the back of my mind. I will carry it forever with me, I will carry the possibility of that fear coming back, but I have to work, and it will take work, to conquer that fear. I want to be healthy, and happy, and certain, and powerful. I want to be the best person I can be, truly. I want to see the world and never give up on my passions or what I want in life. I want a family, I want to have children, I want to have a profession that I love and a profession that truly changes people’s lives for the better. I want all of this, this has all I have ever wanted. I want to grab life by the horns. I want to live, and strive, and more importantly THRIVE. I cannot let fear get in the way of my dreams, my passions, what I want, who I am, who I am becoming. I see people who have struggled and who have made it, who are reaping the fruits of their labor, who are living beautiful lives that are envied by many. I see them, and I hope to be them. I know I have lived a great life, full of happiness, adventure, travel, and I have beautiful memories of endless experiences. And I am hungry for more. Being the best I can be, taking care of my mind and my heart and my health, and never giving up on my passions, on the things that I love, well that’s how you find happiness. That’s how you find meaning, and that’s how you live a life worth living. Ah, I feel great getting this out there, and in front of me. I feel good talking things through and reminding myself of what’s important. Life is a journey, cliche I know, but it is. There are ups and downs, but it’s all about how you deal with the downs and how you take full advantage of the ups. I want you to be happy, I want you to be healthy, I want you to take care of yourself and others around you. I want you to always remember what’s important to you. I want you to be proud of what you have achieved thus far. I want you to know that you are smart and capable. I want you to know that you have affected others lives for the better. I want you to know that you have meaningful relationships where people love you. I want you to know that you are an amazing person, you are a dreamer and a writer, you are an artist, you are a runner, you are. You can be all that you desire. You can. Don’t settle for being categorized into a box. Don’t settle. Just don’t settle. Always dream, always strive, always go for it. And never, ever give up. Because you have been successful before, and you will be successful again. Dream big and never apologize for that. Dream big, live large, and love yourself. 

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