Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for chaos

Hallelujah

I close my eyes, I feel my breath. I feel my chest rise and fall, my heart beats calmly. I listen to the melody, I bask in the beauty. I see the ocean, I see the sky and the clouds. I see the waves roll in, blue water washing ashore. I feel the sun, warm and strong. I feel it in my bones. I feel connected, I feel in place, I feel a part. All is right with the world, in this moment, all is right. I peer out, as far as the eye can see, nothing but blue skies and ocean stretching across the horizon. And in this moment, that’s all there is. Hallelujah

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the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment

let the politicians figure it out. let them fight the fights. let the soldiers go to battle.

sometimes, I think it’s all overwhelming. I think all that is here, on this earth, it’s too much–all the people, all the suffering, all the fighting, all the arguments, all the killing, all the sadness, all the joy, all the beauty, all the births and all the deaths, all the life changes, all the milestones, all the relationships, all the animals, all the diversity, all the open spaces, all the deep oceans, all the stars in the sky, all the vastness, all the evolution, all the religion, all the politics, all the thoughts, all the beliefs, all the misunderstandings, all the relationships, all the marriages, all the families, all the childhoods, all the nightmares, all the fears, all the faith, all the rivers, all the trees, all the woods, all the shorelines, all the specs of sand, all the cars, all the planes, all the trains, all the poverty, all the disease, all the hunger, all the hopelessness, all the damaged, all the injustice, all the talk, all the noise, all of it. All of it, constant and real.

how does one wrap one’s mind around all of it, constantly changing, morphing, evolving? how does one keep track? how does one make any sense out of everything? It’s terrifying, and amazing, sad and joyous, earth-shattering and awesome. It everything. And, when were in the middle of it, in the thick of this madness, in the center of the storm, in between foresight and hindsight, I can only find indescribable fear that one day, it will all be gone.

All of it, gone from memory, gone from conciousness. And the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment, not even flinch. Time will go on, people will keep moving, talking, and the noise will only get louder.

I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend why there is such cruelty, such disregard. To experience something so awesome, so tantalizing, so inspiring, only to have to leave it, leaving not a trace and taking… nothing.

Life moves with the waves

The sea is wondrous. Teeming with life, constantly and forever moving. Life moves with the waves, with the surges, with the crashes. The ocean, with such vastness, stretches around this earth, with its deep blues, teal greens, and foamy whites, with its mystery in inky black crevasses, with such power as it surges to touch the sky. As the moon tugs upon its waters, the creatures swim with such radiance and artistry, simply looking for survival. And the whales! Oh how I love the whales, such grandiose and majestic creatures, singing deep songs that echo for miles and miles. Yes, the ocean is wonderful and powerful, deep and wise, living, breathing, and forever moving.

plant a tree

Someone once told me that the best time to plant a tree is… 25 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree… is today. These simple words represent such a complex idea, a duality of emotions that I grapple to embody. On one hand, we all have regret. We ponder, we sit upon, we dwell on the past… thinking and thinking about what I should have done, what I could have said, how I would have done differently… 25 years ago… if only… We hold grief, we hold sadness, disappointment, anger, etc, etc, about a missed opportunity.

And on the other hand, we all have the small flicker inside, a tiny urge to make a change right now. To swallow that fear, and face it today. Right now. Take the plunge, and don’t look back. Gamble, and risk it all. Just do it. Just say yes.

I find myself all too often living in the past, wondering, pondering. Reflecting about how the combination of my choices and miscellaneous happenings throughout a lifetime has led me to this point. I think it’s important to acknowledge the past. It’s important to express and acknowledge the grief of a lost time, countless lost moments which could have led to… who knows where. But it’s equally, and I mean equally, important to live now. Build up the courage, and give yourself a little shove. Make the decision to plant that tree today, give yourself a little shove…. smiling and quivering, take the leap and find happiness in your decision to take the risk

reality within a dream is reality

MY dreams are amazing. beautifully filled with 5 senses– sight, well of course. the taste of chocolate, the smell of lemons, the touch of a passionate kiss, the sounds of human voice. perhaps the only sense lacking is reality in the traditional sense. But for that moment, for those utterly passionate moments, reality within a dream is reality. Without one doubt, the dream convinces the mind. Or perhaps the mind convinces the mind.

Dreaming, simply not so simple, is a space for the mind to wander. A space for the mind to fulfill desire, to face fears, to be invincible. It’s a reality completely our own. A reality, created somewhere between lobes of my brain. A full-fledged universe, with all the bells and whistles. A world undeniably mine, created and destroyed night after night after night.

Within that world, just as justifiable as the reality we exist in, the mind acts out, unharnessed from the ties of logical consciousness. Chaotic and oh so wonderful.

Where does the plasticity go?

This momentous day. This moment that may be defined by years, by decades. It’s supposed to be a turning point, the start of a future so bright, and the close of a childish past. I thought these years, these past four years, would give me answers. I thought that I would exit with answers to the so many questions I entered with. But, I think I’m coming out with so many more. Questions, curiosity, wonder if decisions made were good, were right, were supposed to be. I have a hard time grappling with my decisions, I have a hard time not considering the contrary, and wondering what if, what would have happened, and what could have been. It tortures me, to think of all that I have potentially missed, all that I potentially lost. Oh sure, I’m certain some decisions were right, were good and were fruitful. But, there has to be that other half, that other 50% of decisions, actions, thoughts, and doings that were wrong, that should have been different, altered, changed for the better.

I guess it all comes down to regret. Regretting decisions, regretting actions or, more likely, non-actions. Stifling actions… well that just stifles self-growth. Agh, what am I really even talking about?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that uncertainty is cruel and inevitable. All you can do is go with your gut, but moreover, push yourself to take that chance. Take that risk that may seem a little risky, a little uncertain, but the potential gain, potential being the operative word, it is quite huge. Staying with the safe, staying with what you know, well…that stifles.

So here I am. Once again, constantly returning to this one place. This one edge. In my mind’s eye, in the depths of my cluttered imagination, I see a cliff. Behind me is a lush, tropical rain forest, and before me is a sheer drop. I can see the horizon, and there are clear, blue skies above. The wind whips my hair back, air circulates through my nostrils, into my chest, and back out. I can feel the presence of something bigger than me. I feel surrounded by nature, nurtured almost. I’m peering down, into the depths, but I cannot see anything. It’s so peaceful here. I stand at the edge, I peer below, but I don’t jump…. I just stare below in wonderment.

Well. I wonder. In this fantasy, in this mind’s moment, in this figurative scenario that seems to have been built up in my mind by the figments of my life experiences… I wonder if it’s symbolic or simply bull. Am I standing at the edge of some big decision? Am I supposed to take this big leap, this big lunge? Will things change, will my life change for the better? There goes my fear of uncertainty again… it’s so hard to control sometimes. But it’s so true. The uncertain. It’s a scary place to grace.

As I get older, as I become more familiar with this world and as I learn more about myself, I find it hard to change. I find myself getting set in my ways, in my beliefs. I find it hard to make that change, to take that risk. Why is that? Where does the plasticity go?

The sweet violins. They lull me into lust. Mmmm. Lovely.

At last.