Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for entropy

I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

What is it?

What is it about a man?

Is it his eyes, that pierce straight into yours, beautiful blues and greens. Is it his smile? That genuine smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes. Is it his jaw? Strong, firm and covered in soft facial hair. Is it his shoulders? His arms? His hands? That pull you in and hold you tight at night, that pick you up and twirl you around, that wipe away the tears from your eyes. Is it his chest? The most heavenly place to rest your head and allow your mind to wander as you feel each and every lub dub. Is it his legs? Long, lean, powerful and able to run beside you. Is it his smell? So intoxicating, it smells of home, of familiarity. It’s a smell that comforts, that reminds you in an instant of the essence of him. Is it his mind? Utterly complex. A mind that knows the world but remains untarnished and unjaded, a mind that is humble and kind, patient and loving, giving and truthful.

What is it about a man?

Baby

You have the world in your hands, your tiny hands. You have a light in your eyes. Take it all in, every new image, every sunrise, every glimpse of your momma’s face. And learn, crawl, explore this new terrain. Make new memories of this earthy place. It is wondrous, it is vast and it is glorious. Look around with open eyes.

Heavy

My mind is heavy, it’s weary even in its youth. Weighed down by tired thoughts that seem to stream through on repeat again, and again. It’s as if my mind is a junkyard, filled with dust and debris scattered here and there. On one side there’s a stack of cars, piled perhaps 10 high, flattened and weathered with worn tires from the miles they traveled, from the world they have seen. On the other, broken and forgotten pieces of home, buried toys of a childhood that is long gone.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. -Carl Sagan

11:18pm

Here we go. words. let’s do this. Currently listening to Cinematic Orchestra. Yes. I love this.

Well, I feel older, I feel wiser. Today, I feel comfort. I feel comfort in my skin, I feel confident. I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I feel wiser than I did before. I feel like I’m ready, I feel like I’m getting there. I am getting SOMEWHERE. Somewhere good, I hope, I aspire. Hmmm, this music is so loving, so simple. It is rich and full. I can sink into it.

I’m conflicted here. Ok, here I go, no holding back. I’m torn, between two men, both friends, both wonderful men, both strong, both attractive, both loving. One clearly communicates better than the other. Aye, no more of this nonsense. What shall be, will be. Let the wind take it. Let the world turn, let things fall into place, let things happen. It always turns out as it is supposed to. Always. Simply don’t interfere, simply live, and go, and go with your intuition, and it will happen. It always does. I love trusting in nature, trusting in life, letting go. let go. trust and let go. and nestle in the comfort that things will work out. They will. They will. They will. Sigh.

Hmmmm, what else. I want to be confident and sure. I want to be myself and I want to go after what I want. Stop thinking and start acting. Stop second guessing. Just go, just do. You can.

When I listen to this song, it brings me back to reality. It brings me home, it brings me to myself and connects me back to life, to mortality, to these fleeting days of our lives. It reminds me that things are just things, but we are people, and we find meaning in and with each other. We are people, and we must find shelter in others. It reminds me of the stars, it reminds me of this universe, of the millions of stars, of space, of time. Of the grandness that exists, of the grandness of this life. Of everything that we get to experience, by fortune, but perhaps it is just because of our nature. We get to experience this, these things, because we are human, because we received the fortune to be born, to be here. We get to see light, and colors, and perceive beauty, and feel love, and feel the wind, and look up, and dream. we get to dream. what fortune. we get to see life, and death, we get to grow old. We get to feel. We get to learn and experience and explore and venture and take risks. We get to do all these things. It IS amazing. It truly is. You must know this, you must realize what great fortune we live in. What we know, what we are, well that’s something great. That is something that you must reach for, reach out and hold it tight. Always recognize the beauty that surrounds you, including the beauty that is you. Always be in awe. Always stand back, with eyes open. With eyes wide open. Realize that the pettiness that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- petty, and small, and simply and oh-so-utterly unimportant. Realize that the grandiose that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- grandiose, and wonderful, and amazing. Just… please… always realize, always remember, to stand back, with eyes wide open.

I wish

I wish the best for you. Only the best. In life, you will experience good things and bad things, and sometimes great things. I wish you will relish in the good, bad, and the great.

delicate

delicate

never forget the miracle of what you are

Be forgiving to yourself. Be forgiving, be non-judgmental, be kind.

Look at you, you miraculous being, alive, breathing, full of life, full of inspiration and creativity. Look at who you are, look at what you have, look at what you have accomplished.

Never, and I mean never, forget the miracle of what you are, of what we are as a human race, of what life is, of what being alive is. You are here, right now, in this moment- relish that and act upon it. Move, travel, explore, grow, do everything, exhaust yourself, suppress feelings of failure and REACH! Leap, take the risk…. go on, be great. There’s a whole world, and a whole mind to explore, there’s only everything to gain.

Life moves with the waves

The sea is wondrous. Teeming with life, constantly and forever moving. Life moves with the waves, with the surges, with the crashes. The ocean, with such vastness, stretches around this earth, with its deep blues, teal greens, and foamy whites, with its mystery in inky black crevasses, with such power as it surges to touch the sky. As the moon tugs upon its waters, the creatures swim with such radiance and artistry, simply looking for survival. And the whales! Oh how I love the whales, such grandiose and majestic creatures, singing deep songs that echo for miles and miles. Yes, the ocean is wonderful and powerful, deep and wise, living, breathing, and forever moving.

sink.

sink into life.

feel it wrap its arms around you

feel it like the paint oozing between your fingers

feel it like the mud between your toes

close your eyes and with a soft smile upon your lips, feel it in the wisps of the wind

it’s stirring, it’s buzzing. every inch of this earth. the people, the cities, the tiny microbes

it’s overwhelming really. but to capture all that life is, well that would simply suck the wind right out of you.

to be aware of such utter brillance…. well that’s nearly impossible

it’s like staring at a thousand suns, you simply must to look away.

All we can do is take it piece by piece, and moment by moment, and be simply overjoyed that I’m here, because of one million chances, one million twists and turns, one million maybes. I’m here.

While it may be dumbfounding, and perhaps it will never ever make sense, here we are, in a utopia laid out before us.

here we are.

sink into life

feel it wrap its arms around you

plant a tree

Someone once told me that the best time to plant a tree is… 25 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree… is today. These simple words represent such a complex idea, a duality of emotions that I grapple to embody. On one hand, we all have regret. We ponder, we sit upon, we dwell on the past… thinking and thinking about what I should have done, what I could have said, how I would have done differently… 25 years ago… if only… We hold grief, we hold sadness, disappointment, anger, etc, etc, about a missed opportunity.

And on the other hand, we all have the small flicker inside, a tiny urge to make a change right now. To swallow that fear, and face it today. Right now. Take the plunge, and don’t look back. Gamble, and risk it all. Just do it. Just say yes.

I find myself all too often living in the past, wondering, pondering. Reflecting about how the combination of my choices and miscellaneous happenings throughout a lifetime has led me to this point. I think it’s important to acknowledge the past. It’s important to express and acknowledge the grief of a lost time, countless lost moments which could have led to… who knows where. But it’s equally, and I mean equally, important to live now. Build up the courage, and give yourself a little shove. Make the decision to plant that tree today, give yourself a little shove…. smiling and quivering, take the leap and find happiness in your decision to take the risk

Competing With Creation

As humans, we are always creating. New technologies, new medicines, new expectations, new standards. With progress comes improvement, or so we believe. But, are we creating things we cannot compete with? With unachievable standards of beauty, fitness, life accomplishments and more, it’s hard to believe that modern humans will ever be satisfied. Magazines, TV shows, and movies are all sending signals, messages, and cues about what life should be, and moreover could be. And so we begin to crave that, strive for that, reach for that… But do we ever reach it? Or are we constantly falling short to the standards we place upon ourselves? Perhaps we are our own worse enemy in some sense.

Wither in denial

I’m frustrated with myself, with this situation, with everything. God damn. What the hell is wrong? Why the hell is this happening to me? I mean, after a certain number of years, after so much self-reflection, after hours upon hours of pondering… It can’t be the world that needs to change. I need to change. I need to change.

I see it in others- I see their lives, it seems so much easier for them. It seems like they get it. Oh sure, I know everyone has their problems, and I know that I may fair better in certain ways, but still. Still, it seems to come easier for some. Are some people just lucky?

I’ll admit it. I want the perfect body, I want the perfect man, I want the perfect job, I want the perfect life. Perfect, not in a utopian sort of way, but perfect for me, perfect in filling my needs, my wants, my desires, my loudest dreams. And I think I try, I think I’m working towards my goals, I put the effort: I work out multiple times a week, I try and be out-going and funny, I strive to excel in education…. It never seems to be enough, there’s always something. I’m starting to realize that to get what I want, to REALLY get all that I want I have to work hard. I mean really HARD. Not the normal amount of effort, it must go beyond…

I want to achieve, I want to succeed, I want everything, I want the world. For me, for me…

It starts with you. You can only initiate, it’s in your capacity. I want to so desperately strive, but it is terrifying. Perhaps a fear of success, perhaps a comfort with failure…. it’s scary. But. I want the change, with every inch of me, I want that change. So it has to start with me- be the change you want to see in the world. Be the change you want for yourself. Be the change to change your life.

I’ll start here and now, I’ll make a plan and exhaust myself in attempting to achieve every last desire that fills my self. First, and foremost, dating: I want to date, I want to love, I want to be in love and know what that feels like. I want to see if love can change a person, I want to see what the world looks like when in love. I want that love, that deep love, but not only that, passion too. Ok, how to achieve it: I think I’ve been waiting for it. And while I realize it will not and will never come to me while I’m sitting inside my house, contemplating and scheming a future full of love, with a perfect man… that’s not the way it happens. It HAS to be harder than that… so I’ve got to put myself out there, be vocal, be out-going, be friendly, be personable, be approachable, be honest, be myself, be real. And TRY, try and strive, approach men and be confident in who you are- a powerful human being who knows what she wants.

I want happiness, I want a future so bright and so rich, I want a beautiful beautiful life full of love, travels, and good food. It’s possible, believe believe, but you have to try. You have to strive for it, and try. Pick yourself up, build yourself up, and BE THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.

Entropy

It’s a universal law: all systems will naturally tend towards chaos. The entropy of the universe is constantly increasing,ever since the big bang, everything is getting more and more chaotic. I think this is also true for human life: we begin as children, young and innocent. Bright-eyed and awestruck at everything around us. Life is so simple, pleasant. There’s usually love, there’s usually simplicity. Perhaps I am idealizing this universal notion of a childhood, or perhaps it seems this way looking back, but I can surely say that times were much simpler back then. We were urged to be creative, learn, grow, and run.

But, as we age, things get complicated. It occurs slowly and we start growing up. Responsibility and realization. The grimy truths are revealed and a pessimistic world unravels before our eyes. We begin to notice evils, wrong-doings, war and violence. We begin to recognize negativity and understand that life is terminal, everything is terminal.

I can only imagine that this will continue. As I enter the next decades, life will reveal more and become increasingly chaotic.

I find it difficult to grapple with. I find it difficult to not fall prey to it all. To not lose faith. I find it hard to hold onto the good, to the positive. I find it hard to grasp, with every fiber, onto the tiniest glimmer of hope. I find it hard to not slip into the negativity, the faithlessness, the questioning. It’s a struggle and it’s draining– to keep fighting for what you want in life, to keep pushing towards some unknown aspiration, to keep striving. It’s exhausting and it seems so much easier to give up. To let yourself go, to not care anymore, to just drift through life, coasting and taking whatever comes nonchalantly.

But. I don’t think that’s right. It can’t be right. It’s a struggle, it’s a fight, it’s a boxing match against all them demons. When you run until you can’t anymore, when you push your physicality to the last limit, when you aim higher…. well that’s a feeling that cannot be contained. Achievement, power, strength, will… It’s hard to attain, but perhaps good things are worth struggling for. Work hard and life will be fruitful.

I’m not saying that I know this to be true. But it’s something that I hope is true. The other option seems all too easy, all too worthless. I guess we all must invite the chaos and keep reaching for things just out of our reach.