Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for heartbeat

Hands

She’s a young woman, waves of black cascade down as her head hangs, her face in her hands. She sits, she ponders, she feels… something sad from within. Something of sorrow.  She feels her heart, so ready, brimming with love and possibility, abundant with ardor and zeal. She feels it thumping and thumping, as if knocking on her chest from within, asking: is it time yet?

She lifts her head, her dark eyes gaze downwards with eyelids heavy, she looks down upon her hands, they’re open, concave, soft and smooth. They sit calmly before her, in no rush, wisely waiting, calmly existing, knowing that when the right hands come to hers, they will fit. Simply. And they won’t ever let go.

What I’m not willing to compromise.

At this moment, right now, I want to remember my standards and my expectations. I want to remember what I stand for and what I’m looking for. There are some things that you can compromise on and there are some things that you cannot compromise on. I expect and demand reliability, I expect you to follow through with what you say. I don’t tolerate someone treating me poorly, treating me in any way that I don’t want to be treated. Yes you’re nice, you’re fun…but you seem inexperienced. You’re unsure. You don’t really know what you’re doing. Maybe you’re inexperienced, but maybe this is just who you are. You just might not be able to fulfill what I want and what I need. And I won’t apologize or compromise on my needs. I expect certain things from someone I’m dating, from someone I’m pursuing a romantic relationship. Trust is the foundation, it’s delicate and it takes time to foster, and if it’s broken again and again, well that’s just destined to fail. I need to stay firm, stay strong. I am running out of patience and understanding. I’ve given you multiple chances to show and prove who you are, what you stand for, and how you choose to treat me. Because life is full of choices, every moment, every minute, every hour, every day…. and I’ll judge you on your choices, and how you prioritize your time and your energy. If something isn’t in my best interest, I need to walk away, I need to listen to my instincts and my gut. I need to be strong. I need to stand for what I believe in. Because our beliefs are challenged, at times it’s extremely difficult to stay strong and firm in what you want, what you demand, what you know you need, but you have to look inward at these times, look into yourself and realize who you are, where you’ve come from, what you’ve gained from years of experiences with people on this earth. Realize that you’ve known better. You see in others that there is better out there. Choose yourself, choose the better, choose faith, choose the future that you want. Choose happiness, choose comfort, choose peace. You are an amazing creature, beautiful, smart, strong, witty, and altruistic. You should be with someone who can only enhance yourself, bring you to a higher level, not bring you down. Believe in that. Always.

I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

What is it?

What is it about a man?

Is it his eyes, that pierce straight into yours, beautiful blues and greens. Is it his smile? That genuine smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes. Is it his jaw? Strong, firm and covered in soft facial hair. Is it his shoulders? His arms? His hands? That pull you in and hold you tight at night, that pick you up and twirl you around, that wipe away the tears from your eyes. Is it his chest? The most heavenly place to rest your head and allow your mind to wander as you feel each and every lub dub. Is it his legs? Long, lean, powerful and able to run beside you. Is it his smell? So intoxicating, it smells of home, of familiarity. It’s a smell that comforts, that reminds you in an instant of the essence of him. Is it his mind? Utterly complex. A mind that knows the world but remains untarnished and unjaded, a mind that is humble and kind, patient and loving, giving and truthful.

What is it about a man?

The beauty and the bliss

Is it the loneliness? Is it the quiet? What makes heartbreak so darn heartbreaking?

It’s been 3 months, and I still think about him every day. I feel my mind, my brain enjoys to revisit him in my memories. I feel my mind likes to revisit those thoughts, those moments that are so effortlessly permanent and accessible. As if my brain finds solace to go back, dig through the mess, the months, the days, to sift through it all and pull out the beauty and the bliss. Those moments of us laying in bed together, staring into each others eyes. Those moments of us making love so passionately. Those moments of us running and laughing, with such joy. Those moments of us holding handing across the table, having deep conversations about what makes us human. Those moments when I laid on his chest as he stroked my hair and I could so clearly envision our future, the years together, growing old, and going through life hand in hand, heart in heart.

I think we really, deeply loved each other. I think that’s rare to find. I think having a first love that deep and that true, well I think I’m lucky to have had that. I know I am. We were so in love, and I didn’t realize how deeply until after it ended. He expressed it often, and he expressed it sincerely. I never knew what that felt like. I never knew I could develop such a personal and raw connection with someone… a connection that held no ego, no whims, no frills. It was just us, ourselves.

And when it was great, it was truly great. And I can recall moments when I laid in bed with him, smiling ear to ear, laughing and really being present and realizing what bliss we had. I remember questioning if this could last, if this could continue forever. I remember thinking that I could live in that moment forever with him, in his arms. And I sit here, writing this, with tears running down my face, because…. because it hurts to have loved so deeply and to know, and understand that that person is gone from my life, cut out completely, a person who I loved so deeply, who cared for me so profoundly… is gone.

It’s hard, even now, to grapple everything that happened during those 13 months. But more importantly, it’s hard to understand, to really dissect and understand why we didn’t work. Why we fought, why we didn’t communicate, why we butted heads, why he kicked me out of his life, why I wouldn’t take him back. It’s hard to understand why someone who you love so much, could cause so much pain. Both in the moment, with words, but also now, with the absence of words. I wish so badly that we could be friends, because I find it so terrible, so fucking unfair that I cannot have any semblance of a relationship with the man who held my heart, who loved me so deeply, who taught me so much about myself and about the world, with the man who made such an impression in my life… why the hell can we not be friendly, why can we not for the sake of those blissful moments just leave things on good terms. Why does he have such animosity towards me ? He once said he would always love me, even if he hated me he would always love me. Where does that love go? Does it stay in the past, does it stay with those memories, superglued to our youthful selves, nestled within our soft kisses and warm embraces.

It’s hard. It really is hard to let go. I read once in a book about Buddhism that life is a constant process of letting go, of people, of places, of experiences. I think, during heartbreak, we so desperately want to hold on to the love, to the happiness, to those memories that made it all worth it, to that person that turned our world upside down, inside out and showed us a new version of the world that held endless possibility, wonder and promise. It’s difficult to let that person go, those moments go. It’s equally difficult to have faith, to somehow believe and trust that you will find someone just as powerful and influential again. Call me a skeptic, but it’s hard to believe one can struck by lightening twice. Something that felt so rare, so pure, so perfect. And it’s even harder to believe that one will find someone better, someone who is more compatible, someone who will stand the test of time, the ups and downs, someone who will weather the stormiest of fights and hold you forever.

As humans, we crave connection, we crave love, we crave unconditional acceptance, we crave companionship. I found it once. And I lost it once. I’m finding that losing it is almost as difficult as finding it. But, I firmly believe, that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. And now that I’ve had a taste of it, of that beautiful love, of that deep and profound love… I know I’ll be chasing it again and again, perhaps forever.

 

 

Baby

You have the world in your hands, your tiny hands. You have a light in your eyes. Take it all in, every new image, every sunrise, every glimpse of your momma’s face. And learn, crawl, explore this new terrain. Make new memories of this earthy place. It is wondrous, it is vast and it is glorious. Look around with open eyes.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. -Carl Sagan

A certain kind of love

I need a certain kind of love. I need a deep love, full of passion and ardor, full of fire. I need a patient love, a quiet love that comes with acceptance and understanding. I need a strong love, that will wrap me up in its strong arms when I simply cannot hold myself up. I need a whimsical love, full of banter and wit, full of laughter. I need a tough love that will force me to grow and become, a love that will call me out on my bullshit. I need a lasting love, that will stay and persist for days, weeks, months, years, and lifetimes. I need a cherished love, one that must be nurtured and cared for by both, every single day. I need an overwhelming and all-consuming love, a love that I breathe in and out with every breath, a love that is a part of my being, a love that that cannot be denied or replaced, a love that is absolutely and unequivocally everything. I need this love, like I need this life.

11:18pm

Here we go. words. let’s do this. Currently listening to Cinematic Orchestra. Yes. I love this.

Well, I feel older, I feel wiser. Today, I feel comfort. I feel comfort in my skin, I feel confident. I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I feel wiser than I did before. I feel like I’m ready, I feel like I’m getting there. I am getting SOMEWHERE. Somewhere good, I hope, I aspire. Hmmm, this music is so loving, so simple. It is rich and full. I can sink into it.

I’m conflicted here. Ok, here I go, no holding back. I’m torn, between two men, both friends, both wonderful men, both strong, both attractive, both loving. One clearly communicates better than the other. Aye, no more of this nonsense. What shall be, will be. Let the wind take it. Let the world turn, let things fall into place, let things happen. It always turns out as it is supposed to. Always. Simply don’t interfere, simply live, and go, and go with your intuition, and it will happen. It always does. I love trusting in nature, trusting in life, letting go. let go. trust and let go. and nestle in the comfort that things will work out. They will. They will. They will. Sigh.

Hmmmm, what else. I want to be confident and sure. I want to be myself and I want to go after what I want. Stop thinking and start acting. Stop second guessing. Just go, just do. You can.

When I listen to this song, it brings me back to reality. It brings me home, it brings me to myself and connects me back to life, to mortality, to these fleeting days of our lives. It reminds me that things are just things, but we are people, and we find meaning in and with each other. We are people, and we must find shelter in others. It reminds me of the stars, it reminds me of this universe, of the millions of stars, of space, of time. Of the grandness that exists, of the grandness of this life. Of everything that we get to experience, by fortune, but perhaps it is just because of our nature. We get to experience this, these things, because we are human, because we received the fortune to be born, to be here. We get to see light, and colors, and perceive beauty, and feel love, and feel the wind, and look up, and dream. we get to dream. what fortune. we get to see life, and death, we get to grow old. We get to feel. We get to learn and experience and explore and venture and take risks. We get to do all these things. It IS amazing. It truly is. You must know this, you must realize what great fortune we live in. What we know, what we are, well that’s something great. That is something that you must reach for, reach out and hold it tight. Always recognize the beauty that surrounds you, including the beauty that is you. Always be in awe. Always stand back, with eyes open. With eyes wide open. Realize that the pettiness that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- petty, and small, and simply and oh-so-utterly unimportant. Realize that the grandiose that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- grandiose, and wonderful, and amazing. Just… please… always realize, always remember, to stand back, with eyes wide open.

Tip of the Tongue

“It was a summer night and I was sleeping
the moon was out, my head was beaming
I looked at my dreams like they were gold…

but ever since that night and after
the dreams I had I can’t recapture
and it brings me down so low
the more I search the less I find
the more I look the more I’m blind”

-The Donnis Trio

until my eyes lose you

Would you just stop and pause? It makes me so frustrated when you speed through the days. It makes me so angry, it makes me clench my fists when you steam ahead, leaving behind a blurry trail. It makes me stomp and cry out. You, like lava pouring down a mountainside, unstoppable. You, like a speeding train, accelerating and accelerating, broken brakes. You, whirlwind. You…. you’re leaving. you’re getting further away. you’re already disappearing into the horizon, getting smaller and smaller, until my eyes lose you. You’re far. You’ve left me behind, you’ve forgotten. How? How could you have possibly let me go, how could you let me slip from your grasp, so smooth. You’re far and I’m here, crumpled cardboard cut-out. Gazing at the surrounding vastness.

reality within a dream is reality

MY dreams are amazing. beautifully filled with 5 senses– sight, well of course. the taste of chocolate, the smell of lemons, the touch of a passionate kiss, the sounds of human voice. perhaps the only sense lacking is reality in the traditional sense. But for that moment, for those utterly passionate moments, reality within a dream is reality. Without one doubt, the dream convinces the mind. Or perhaps the mind convinces the mind.

Dreaming, simply not so simple, is a space for the mind to wander. A space for the mind to fulfill desire, to face fears, to be invincible. It’s a reality completely our own. A reality, created somewhere between lobes of my brain. A full-fledged universe, with all the bells and whistles. A world undeniably mine, created and destroyed night after night after night.

Within that world, just as justifiable as the reality we exist in, the mind acts out, unharnessed from the ties of logical consciousness. Chaotic and oh so wonderful.

a much needed release

here’s what I want to tell myself: just let go. It’s so exhausting to have an iron grip on everything, on every action and thought. There’s hardly anything one can control in life. It’s time to exhale. It’s time to release. All of this worrying, all of this dreaming, fantasizing, I fear life is happening in the background. Take what you get, it’s all you can do. Oh sure, it could have, would have been different. But, while the past in solid, it’s secure, it’s never-changing, and always will be, the future is a complete unknown. It’s the ultimate plasticity, it’s malleable, it is undecided. Perhaps. I guess, the goal is to be content, or not so much content as okay with, at peace with what has happened, what has occurred. All you can do is live in the present and look to the future. All I want, all I want is to let the past fade away, whatever I was, whatever fears and fantasies have held my hands, I want to let them drift with the wind. Step forward, and take what you get. It may not be ideal, in fact, it probably won’t be. But it’s something. Work with the cards life hands you and adapt. Only those that adapt survive. So in those moments of uncertainty, just choose. One path. And go full force, with every fiber. Don’t look back, adapt, and go after everything, everything.

Competing With Creation

As humans, we are always creating. New technologies, new medicines, new expectations, new standards. With progress comes improvement, or so we believe. But, are we creating things we cannot compete with? With unachievable standards of beauty, fitness, life accomplishments and more, it’s hard to believe that modern humans will ever be satisfied. Magazines, TV shows, and movies are all sending signals, messages, and cues about what life should be, and moreover could be. And so we begin to crave that, strive for that, reach for that… But do we ever reach it? Or are we constantly falling short to the standards we place upon ourselves? Perhaps we are our own worse enemy in some sense.

Why care?

Why do we care? Why are we concerned with not only ourselves, but about others. Go farther than family. We seem to care about strangers, as we are all selfless. Caring for the well-being of others… but why? Why do we want to reduce poverty in the global south? Why do we want to cure infectious diseases and cancer? Why do we want people to stop smoking, start exercising, and eating healthy? It seems altruistic on the exterior, but I don’t believe it.

What I do believe is that humans, and all animals, are selfish to the core. Our actions, our decisions, everything we do is always for our own good. Directly and indirectly. Take, for example, eating ice cream. We eat ice cream because it feels good and sends endorphins to our brain. We educate ourselves in order to get high-paying jobs. We exercise because we want to live long and disease-free. But, we also help others because it helps ourselves. Perhaps out of ego and pride, we advise others because it gives us a sense of superiority, we look for cures because it satisfies curiosity, we lend a helping hand because it makes us feel good.

Altruism- the act of being unselfishly concerned for the welfare of others. Not possible. No no no. We are all selfish, even if it is for the purest intentions, we always gain something. From every action, we gain something.

Entropy

It’s a universal law: all systems will naturally tend towards chaos. The entropy of the universe is constantly increasing,ever since the big bang, everything is getting more and more chaotic. I think this is also true for human life: we begin as children, young and innocent. Bright-eyed and awestruck at everything around us. Life is so simple, pleasant. There’s usually love, there’s usually simplicity. Perhaps I am idealizing this universal notion of a childhood, or perhaps it seems this way looking back, but I can surely say that times were much simpler back then. We were urged to be creative, learn, grow, and run.

But, as we age, things get complicated. It occurs slowly and we start growing up. Responsibility and realization. The grimy truths are revealed and a pessimistic world unravels before our eyes. We begin to notice evils, wrong-doings, war and violence. We begin to recognize negativity and understand that life is terminal, everything is terminal.

I can only imagine that this will continue. As I enter the next decades, life will reveal more and become increasingly chaotic.

I find it difficult to grapple with. I find it difficult to not fall prey to it all. To not lose faith. I find it hard to hold onto the good, to the positive. I find it hard to grasp, with every fiber, onto the tiniest glimmer of hope. I find it hard to not slip into the negativity, the faithlessness, the questioning. It’s a struggle and it’s draining– to keep fighting for what you want in life, to keep pushing towards some unknown aspiration, to keep striving. It’s exhausting and it seems so much easier to give up. To let yourself go, to not care anymore, to just drift through life, coasting and taking whatever comes nonchalantly.

But. I don’t think that’s right. It can’t be right. It’s a struggle, it’s a fight, it’s a boxing match against all them demons. When you run until you can’t anymore, when you push your physicality to the last limit, when you aim higher…. well that’s a feeling that cannot be contained. Achievement, power, strength, will… It’s hard to attain, but perhaps good things are worth struggling for. Work hard and life will be fruitful.

I’m not saying that I know this to be true. But it’s something that I hope is true. The other option seems all too easy, all too worthless. I guess we all must invite the chaos and keep reaching for things just out of our reach.

Life. It’s a big word.

Where does my body end and the world begin? There’s 7 billion people. I’m breathing, watching my chest rise and fall, rise and fall. I’m taking in air, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale deep. There’s 7 billion people breathing, their chests rise and fall, rise and fall. Some for the first time, some for the last time. Breath.

I think we learn from everything we do. I think there’s a inherent and basic thirst to treat every experience as important. Learn from what we do, learn from where we walk, learn from what we see, learn from where we stand. I think by absorbing everything around us and taking in every solitary moment and vision and feeling, we learn. We are learning about this earth, that seems to be a part of us, and us a part of it. It’s where we stemmed from. This gorgeous being, this special place in the universe perfectly place between the stars. And somehow we ended up here. Infinite chances that it wouldn’t be so. Infinite reasons for it not to be so. But, you only need one- one chance to be.

Are we really that special, that unique, that stellar? That we were given the chance- random or not, it does not matter. Out of all the potential people, out of all the potential possibilities, we came here. We started here, in this time and place. We were born from the stars, perhaps from infinite happenings, perhaps from absolutely nothing but chance. One single chance brought life, brought this reality to be. Is that crazy? Perhaps for our simple mammalian minds, but perhaps it’s the truth.

We live with the veil of immortality. An ignorance of where we are, of where we’re going. Speeding through space, our earth, our planet, breeding life endlessly and breathing endlessly.

I think unquenchable curiousity drives us. It’s that underlying question, that inkling, that place that the wandering mind goes. You crave to learn about everything around you because subliminally, in the deepest reaches of the mind, you realize that all that you know and all that you are is completely undefinable. I think we live in awe, and rather than sitting around stupefied by the vastness of the universe and a single atom, we keep moving. Constantly jumping from task to task, relationship to relationship as if that’s all that matters. I’m here to say that THAT is trivial. Can’t you see? This sense of need for accomplishment, need for love, need to be fulfilled, need to work hard and stand up for what’s right. What does it all matter? We’re simply, oh so simply, scurrying across this ball of mud we call home. Forgive me for calling this pristine place, this magical pinpoint in space a ball of mud, but it is. It makes me so furious, and partly ashamed because I partake in it as well, in the fact that we forget. Each and everyday we fall prey to a natural, animalistic need. We fall prey to what we think is right and what we think is good. We subject ourselves to what we know, what society has been saying for centuries. We accept and we go. We search for love, for acceptance, for entertainment. It’s all so so trivial, so small.

Look up, dream big and then bigger than that. Our primary concerns, well they have to be bigger than that. What else is there? Perhaps I’m asking big questions, perhaps the biggest questions. But those are the only questions that count, the only ones that are worth pondering about.

Life. It’s a big word. It attempts to contain a lot. I mean a lot. Perhaps it attempts to contain the uncontainable. Life is everything. No, not just the breathing, it’s everything. Because we came from it all, we came from stardust, from a flicker in space, from chance. Life is just as uncontainable as the universe itself, perhaps more so. And to ask what the meaning of life is, well that’s like asking what the meaning of everything is. And, I think that’s what is what drives underlying curiousity. We all have it, we all know that in the dark corners of the mind, there’s a question unanswered.

I mean is it useless to think about? Is it endless and therefore pointless?

I believe, with every fiber in me, that this is the only thing that matters. The only thing that should and does matter. Truly. Deeply. Life, while we may never know where it began, or how we came to be, or why, that’s the only thing that drives the concious mind. Trying to wrap one’s mind around reality, trying to contain the undeniably uncontainable. It’s exhausting and glorious.

Where’s my mind at?

this is where my mind lingers:

The aqua blue water whirled, bubbles rising towards the surface. The water is clear, with little specs glimmering as they sink to the sand. There’s no life here, only brown-white sand, that stretches for miles. Somehow I can stay below, eyes open and no breath needed. I look all around, but there’s only soft sand and the movement of the soft waves.

I push off the ground, my toes dig into the sand. As my head breaks the water, I peer up at cloudy skies. White billowing clouds stream across the sky. As I face the horizon, there’s nothing but water in every direction. It’s perfectly calm.

I blink, and it changed. From light to dark. From day to night- but it is not night, not really. Dark chaotic clouds rise, rumbling. The atmosphere is electric, the darkness romantic. These heavenly beings surging with power. I feel it coming: the first strike. With a loud crack, light fills every inch of space and mind.

Questions: From Me, To You

These are a few questions that I thought up and I’m asking them to you. Because I’m curious about the human condition. Because it just might be thought-provoking. Because… well just because. Answer one, two, nine or ten. It’s up to you.

 1. Right now, in this moment, how do you view yourself?

2. Recall every single emotion you felt during the last 24 hours. List them.

3. What are you grateful for?

4. How often do you lie (to yourself and to others)?

5. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

6. Where does inspiration come from?

7. Can you truly love something or someone more than yourself?

8. Where have you been and where are you going?

9. What does originality mean?

10. What is your biggest, most heart-wrenching fear?

Some advice: live deeply, live passionately

Here’s a bit of advice for you. It’s what I’ve learned in the few years I’ve been on this earth, it’s what I’ve come to realize as I’ve started to grow up and up. My advice is:

Live while you’re young. Go out and go wild! Seriously, leave your home, your computer, your iphone and ipad and ipod, and go! Lace up your sneakers and walk out the door. Walk down the stairs and down the streets. Find an adventure. LOOK at the world around you. It’s beautiful, vibrant and alive. It’s there, waiting for you to soak up everything it can possibly offer. We have only minutes left, minutes and hours and years. Believe it or not, it’s a limited amount of time that we have here on earth. Where was I…. Oh yes, go out, down the stairs and down the street. And… Look around at the people. I mean really look at them. Every single solitary person has a story, has a history, has a past. Every single person has a mother and a father, has a childhood, has had heartache and joy, anger and sorrow, happiness and contempt. One of my favorite things to think about as I walk down the street is how each and every person is so enveloped in their own small, little world. Their brains buzzing away, mind chatter. They’re thinking about where they’re going, who they’re seeing, and what they’ve done. They’re worrying about this, they’re regretting that. They’re smiling on the inside because the cute coffee guy flirted with them that morning. Everyone has a story, I’m sure all interesting, all equally epic. I love that.

Ok ok, more advice. One of my most favorite favorite favorite things in the world, is to travel. I love it. Travel to foreign places, the more obscure the better. Don’t plan, just go! Pick a buddy, pick a friend, pick a lover, or pick yourself up and go. Do it for you. Go to Greece, Indonesia, Bolivia and Bali. Tire yourself in endless exploration. It’s exhilarating, it makes you feel so alive. I say, strap on a backpacking backpack, pack a pair of hiking shoes, grab a Lonely Planet guidebook, and book that plane ticket to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Make it happen, because we only live once and we’re only young once. Make your time count, this second and the next. Because time is dripping and slipping, leaving and never coming. Traveling is great, you can see history and culture, you can taste flavors that are foreign and far between. You can meet the most sincere and amazing people whose life stories and utterly heart-breaking and inspiring. I’ve met some of the most courageous people abroad, all trying to grow and learn, and most of all, learn about themselves and this world. That’s all there is, really. It’s here and it’s now, and that’s that.

So go out and  go wild, look around, look at people, travel, explore, live LOUD and live hard, taste and feel every single thing you’re feeling and never hold back. Live deeply and live oh so passionately. We’re aging, ever so quickly. Recognize that the present is here; take advantage and see your life in the highest regard.

Just some advice, just something I’ve learned and try to live by

Snatching the Unattainable, Only for You

Fuck this shit. FUCK this. These expectations are too high. You put them there, on the highest shelf. Out of reach. Criticize and criticize, until you’re blue in the face. Fuck this shit. I hate it. I cannot handle it. I’m supposed to be hard and tough, build a hard, plastic shell around myself to protect my fragile innards from the verbal wasteland known as your mouth. Well, I don’t. I don’t have a shell, perhaps I tried to build one, make one…. but it has cracks, deep cracks and go straight to the core. and every time you poke, every time you comment, it sticks that dagger a little deeper, it widens the crack a little more, revealing a swirl of vulnerabilities.

Ok, so I’m not good enough. Is that what you’re getting at? That I’m not worthy of this time and this money, these resources and all that you’ve given me? Is that it? Because I cannot achieve the best, be the best, be the one and only BEST, that I am not worthy. This may have been a bad investment. I may have been a bad investment, because I certainly am not what you want, what you desire in your heart.

You, you want perfection. You want this from me. How cruel and undeserved. You tell me I’m wasting time, I’m wasting money, I am wrong, I only do things wrong wrong wrong. I can hardly take anymore. It is hurting my heart. And I’m afraid that there may be some permanent damage.

Oh sure, you’re blind with a vision. You’re blind with ego. But, you don’t see what you’re doing to me. Breaking me down, with every small comment, telling me oh so very indirectly that I am imperfect and wrong. Never right. I can never be right or good.

Disappointment, that’s all I ever feel. Well, perhaps that’s a bit extreme, but that’s what I feel right now. Disappointment because I cannot attain the unattainable. Because I am not good enough, and you expected more. You set the bar too high. And while I have tried for years and years to reach that bar, standing on the tippiest toes, I always stumbled, I always bumbled in your eyes. You don’t see me, you only see my faults. You only see what could be, what should be. You don’t see what I am, and what I have achieved, what I have managed to accomplished in the endless pursuit of trying to appease you and your thirst for perfection from me.

Oh it’s tiring, oh I am tired. This has been an arduous journey and I feel myself breaking down. I try to shield my fragile beating heart from those words, I try to persevere. But, there comes a time when you get through to me. You cut right into me, break me down and tell me to stand up to take some more.

How am I supposed to be a confident young woman, outgoing and smart? How am I supposed to tackle this world and believe that anything is possible, when, you have undoubtedly shoved straight into my face that hardly anything is possible, because I have achieved almost nothing.

You break me down, but I still come whimpering back, trying to please and appease, trying to gain your approval and praise, trying, desperately trying to snatch the unattainable-only for you. I try, I try, and I keep trying.

Oh Hello Perfect Man. Where have you been?

Love. In this life it may mean more than many things. More than most things. It’s what we want. It’s what we know. It’s what we search for. We look for love. Or…. Lust?  Strong arms, chiseled jaw, broad shoulders, kind eyes…

 I want to feel your arms, tight around me

I want to look into your beautiful eyes and let the world melt away

I want you to brush my cheek with your fingertips

mmMmm baby, I want to kiss you. I want to get lost in you.

I want to feel your warmth

I want you to be the only thing that’s sure. The only thing that I know is sure.

I want our silence to speak more than words ever could

 Superficial? Perhaps…..or, probably. I can admit that because in reality it’s what I want. It’s in my nature, my DNA, and deeply engrained in my core. That’s all I can act on and all I want is a perfect man.

A Series of Infinite Happenings

EVERYTHING has led up to this moment. The mountains moved, the earth turned, the stars exploded, and here I am. I’m sitting here, under an infinite mass of everything that has ever existed. It’s all above my head, all that is. It’s sometimes hard to believe that this moment has been pre-destined since the beginning of time. Since the Big Bang. Since the universe itself began. For this moment to happen, this one, an infinite things had to have occured. In a sense, we’re all connected, and anything and everything we do shapes each and every life. 

In life, from birth, you start moving towards this moment. From that first cry, to that first walk and talk. From that first fight to that first love, you move towards this moment. Everything you’ve ever done, all the people you’ve ever met, grazed by, made eye-contact with, it has all culminated, it has all added up… and the result? right now. This is it. You’ve been moving towards this moment forever. A series of infinite happenings must have occured for you to be here. right. now.

It’s astounding. I can’t help but revel in such an idea.

hair streaming behind

bullet in a track. zoom zoom, coming towards her. no turning back. clap clap. she killed it with kisses. walk away, wash it away, let’s go. bye bye, high notes. Come on, come run. Run for your children, and leave your loving behind. Hear the beat, hear the drums, hard sticks smack smack. Angels singing, high notes. dramatic. what was left? after that, well. happiness. my heart, your…. hmm…. Dance dance, let’s forget, let’s dancing let’s ride away, clap clap. Run fast. just run, hair streaming behind, carry me with you, unbuttoned shirt. run run. horses run. OH. i’m behind you, bare-foot and all. Dress streaming in the wind, green pastures.

hawaii. blue stars.

where am I? hum dee dum. Hawaii. blue stars. I want to hold you. waves crashing, warm and pure. swaying back and forth. beautiful beauty. I see you. eyebrows arched. Close your eyes and what do you see? What would you find? purple and yellow fading. strange. you never knew. we’re dancing and dancing and you’re throwing me around, i’m floating, i’m smiling, it’s wonderful. you’re wonderful. you’re so wonderful. dee dum. strange strange. i feel your heart, i can feel your pulse, i can feel the warm blood gushing. feels warm, it feels right. baby. fade into me.