Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for human condition

I want to try something.

I want to better myself.

I want to begin again every single solitary day.

I want to continue to explore and try new things.

I want to push myself to be better

I want to push myself to be stronger

I want to encourage myself to take an extra step

I want to mold myself into the best version

I want to love myself dearly

I want to offer myself the deep, unconditional love that I so desperately want to offer some else

I want to hold onto myself

I want to laugh

I want to smile often

I want to let the small stuff go

I want to be kind

I want to be humble

I want to remember where I came from

I want to remember the types of lives people are living everywhere

I want to take the lessons, the growing experiences in stride

I don’t want to forget my roots

I don’t want to leave my passions behind in fading photographs of a younger, more bright-eyed me

I want to touch people

I want to making lasting impressions on others

I want to be brave

I want to be vocal

I want to speak my mind, calmly and matter-of-factly

I want to be heard

I want to make a difference

I want to stand out

I want to stand up for others

I want to stand behind my beliefs with conviction

I want to not only think it or dream it, but pursue it, do it and achieve it

I want to remember who I am and what I stand for

I want to always try to be mindful in the moment

I want every moment with every person to matter, to make a lasting impact

I want to be memorable

I want to be imprinted in the minds of others

I want to be revered

I want to be respected

I want to be loved

I want to be held

I want to be kissed, deeply

I want to be safe

I want to be excited, staring into another person’s eyes

I want to watch the world pass me by

I want to have a greater wisdom

I want to have a deeper understanding

I want to find comfort in the unknown

I want to respect the process

I want to respect the time it takes

I want to remember that greatness takes time, patience

I want to be mindful, always, that the beauty you see in the world is a reflection of you

I want to be open

I want to always be seeking, searching, curious, open and available to the unknown, to what the earth and the universe has to offer

I want to be ready, open armed

Hands

She’s a young woman, waves of black cascade down as her head hangs, her face in her hands. She sits, she ponders, she feels… something sad from within. Something of sorrow.  She feels her heart, so ready, brimming with love and possibility, abundant with ardor and zeal. She feels it thumping and thumping, as if knocking on her chest from within, asking: is it time yet?

She lifts her head, her dark eyes gaze downwards with eyelids heavy, she looks down upon her hands, they’re open, concave, soft and smooth. They sit calmly before her, in no rush, wisely waiting, calmly existing, knowing that when the right hands come to hers, they will fit. Simply. And they won’t ever let go.

She looks to her past

She looks to her past, she sees glimpses of memories, the moments that made impressions so deep, imprints in her mind that returns in a fleeting second… triggered by anything, a photo, a smell, an object… She looks to her past, she sees him… and how much of herself was wrapped up in him, how she changed because of him, how much she grew in confidence and self-love because of him, how she loved so deeply for him… She remembers the love, the feeling… and… even after a year, as the details of his face become hazy, and the feeling of his hands become blurry, she remembers within an instance how it felt to be so deeply and purely loved and how beautiful and scary it was to love in return. The mind prefers to remember the good, the beauty, the special moments, the firsts, the laughs, the utter bliss, the passion… I think the mind naturally tries to block out the bad, perhaps it’s protective, but the mind easily forgets, perhaps it actively forgets the moments that broke her, that broke them apart.

And she still wonders why sometimes… She still questions where the love goes. There’s still a slight sadness that she carries with her, always, because it feels like something that was so loved, so cherished, cultivated carefully and bloomed, the love between two people that existed, that spanned a portion of their lives… well it’s not allowed to be anymore, it has to pass, to dissolve, to fade, to somehow cease existing even though there was a time where it was everything– it was vibrant, it was full of life, it was full of  future, of promise.

It’s sad, this is true, because the loss of love feels like the death of something dear. The death of something so powerful and beautiful. But she knows, at least she feels she knows, and her gut nudges her to believe that this is right, that this is how it was supposed to be. She tries, every single day, to take the good from him, from them.. to remember the good moments, the bliss, and to realize that she can and will find those emotions and feelings again. She tries, every single day, to remember that the love that she felt from him was a reflection of the love that she gave, that her openness and vulnerability facilitated that deep connection. That being true to herself, her wants, her desires and her dreams allowed for an incredible relationship with another human. And it’s a learning process, that’s what life is, right? To learn and continually adapt. She learns, she grows, and she hurts but she also adapts.

Keep growing, keep learning, and keep adapting. Take the blows in stride, take the losses as part of the journey… it’s a part of it, it’s the only true way to understand the value of love. Take the lessons and keep moving forward.

Mindful

The music starts to play, lightly, the piano sings a soft lullaby, lulling your mind, sweeping your thoughts into currents and eddies, floating effortlessly, moving with the air, with the wind. You watch the keys dance, ivory white leaping and diving in a choreographed ballet with their jet black partners following in suit. It’s as if that’s all they know, because it is all they know and all they will ever know. Their purpose and their intention being to follow their bony puppeteers, the true orchestrators, and translate thought into harmonious cadence, inviting unsuspecting listeners to be swept up in sweet serenity.

The beauty and the bliss

Is it the loneliness? Is it the quiet? What makes heartbreak so darn heartbreaking?

It’s been 3 months, and I still think about him every day. I feel my mind, my brain enjoys to revisit him in my memories. I feel my mind likes to revisit those thoughts, those moments that are so effortlessly permanent and accessible. As if my brain finds solace to go back, dig through the mess, the months, the days, to sift through it all and pull out the beauty and the bliss. Those moments of us laying in bed together, staring into each others eyes. Those moments of us making love so passionately. Those moments of us running and laughing, with such joy. Those moments of us holding handing across the table, having deep conversations about what makes us human. Those moments when I laid on his chest as he stroked my hair and I could so clearly envision our future, the years together, growing old, and going through life hand in hand, heart in heart.

I think we really, deeply loved each other. I think that’s rare to find. I think having a first love that deep and that true, well I think I’m lucky to have had that. I know I am. We were so in love, and I didn’t realize how deeply until after it ended. He expressed it often, and he expressed it sincerely. I never knew what that felt like. I never knew I could develop such a personal and raw connection with someone… a connection that held no ego, no whims, no frills. It was just us, ourselves.

And when it was great, it was truly great. And I can recall moments when I laid in bed with him, smiling ear to ear, laughing and really being present and realizing what bliss we had. I remember questioning if this could last, if this could continue forever. I remember thinking that I could live in that moment forever with him, in his arms. And I sit here, writing this, with tears running down my face, because…. because it hurts to have loved so deeply and to know, and understand that that person is gone from my life, cut out completely, a person who I loved so deeply, who cared for me so profoundly… is gone.

It’s hard, even now, to grapple everything that happened during those 13 months. But more importantly, it’s hard to understand, to really dissect and understand why we didn’t work. Why we fought, why we didn’t communicate, why we butted heads, why he kicked me out of his life, why I wouldn’t take him back. It’s hard to understand why someone who you love so much, could cause so much pain. Both in the moment, with words, but also now, with the absence of words. I wish so badly that we could be friends, because I find it so terrible, so fucking unfair that I cannot have any semblance of a relationship with the man who held my heart, who loved me so deeply, who taught me so much about myself and about the world, with the man who made such an impression in my life… why the hell can we not be friendly, why can we not for the sake of those blissful moments just leave things on good terms. Why does he have such animosity towards me ? He once said he would always love me, even if he hated me he would always love me. Where does that love go? Does it stay in the past, does it stay with those memories, superglued to our youthful selves, nestled within our soft kisses and warm embraces.

It’s hard. It really is hard to let go. I read once in a book about Buddhism that life is a constant process of letting go, of people, of places, of experiences. I think, during heartbreak, we so desperately want to hold on to the love, to the happiness, to those memories that made it all worth it, to that person that turned our world upside down, inside out and showed us a new version of the world that held endless possibility, wonder and promise. It’s difficult to let that person go, those moments go. It’s equally difficult to have faith, to somehow believe and trust that you will find someone just as powerful and influential again. Call me a skeptic, but it’s hard to believe one can struck by lightening twice. Something that felt so rare, so pure, so perfect. And it’s even harder to believe that one will find someone better, someone who is more compatible, someone who will stand the test of time, the ups and downs, someone who will weather the stormiest of fights and hold you forever.

As humans, we crave connection, we crave love, we crave unconditional acceptance, we crave companionship. I found it once. And I lost it once. I’m finding that losing it is almost as difficult as finding it. But, I firmly believe, that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. And now that I’ve had a taste of it, of that beautiful love, of that deep and profound love… I know I’ll be chasing it again and again, perhaps forever.

 

 

Baby

You have the world in your hands, your tiny hands. You have a light in your eyes. Take it all in, every new image, every sunrise, every glimpse of your momma’s face. And learn, crawl, explore this new terrain. Make new memories of this earthy place. It is wondrous, it is vast and it is glorious. Look around with open eyes.

Stream of thoughts, no filter

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a stream of thoughts, completely unhindered, while I listened to a song.. a song that I connect to, a song that pulls at my heartstrings. Right now, I’m listening to The Cinematic Orchestra “To Build a Home.” Let the ramblings begin. This may get heavy. And tears may come. Ok here I go:

What, what do I feel, right now. I feel old, I feel tired. I feel like everything is connected and that things are moving way to fast. I see them, I see the others who have more, who have people. They have their people, their loved ones, their husbands, their lovers. I want that so much, I want that desperately. Sometimes a little too desperately, perhaps. I hate when I try to tell myself my emotions are wrong, that they aren’t supposed to be this way, that I am not meeting society’s expectations of how I should feel or how I should act. You know this is all new to me too… life, love, dating, finding a mate. Ah, this occupies my mind so much> I wonder who I am going to end up with, what my life will look like, I wonder who I will spend the rest of my days with. I can see our house, beautiful, built, warm and inviting. I see our children, I see the love that we have, that we grew, that we fostered and protected. I know that this is precious and I know that this is what I want, so badly. It’s all I want, it’s the only thing that matters. My career, no, that is nothing compared to love, to having a spouse, to having a family. I want love. Period. Period. I want love and I want true love, lasting love, deep love, I want passionate love, I want fire. I wonder, at times, whne I will get that love, if I will get that love… I hate that I doubt it, I hate that I think it may not happen, because that simply cannot be an option… and once I think that may be an option, then, well, then that simply breaks my heart. I wouldn’t know what to do… I would be stuck, I would be so stuck. And I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling like I’m not moving forward. It’s so important in life to move forward, to get things, to go after things, to grow and breathe and become and continually strive to be better and stronger. That’s what I’m trying to do, constantly trying to become smarter, achieve more, become strong physically too, exercising always, I am trying to become a better version of who I was yesterday, and they month before and the year before. I am trying to grow up, I am trying to become a woman, I am trying to develop the traits and characteristics that will make me powerful and successful and an ideal mate and an ideal mother. I am constantly trying. It’s exhausting.. this is exhausting just writing about it.

Sigh, deep breath. What do I want to say. I want to say that I feel like in the love world I’m not moving. He, my latest crush, the man that I was deeply infatuated with, well he didn’t choose me. And, it hurt a lot. More that I expected, more than I thought it would. I was affected deeply by him, surprisingly. But, I think it was good, in a way, to know that I have these emotions, that I’m capable of wanting someone SO much, that I’m capable of feeling such sorrow and being heartbroken. I recall a quote that I read once, and I hope it to be true.. it went something like, while you may have loved deeply the wrong person, but imagine how much you will love the right one. I know I am capable of love, a lot of love, and I think much more love than I gave this ex-crush. I gave him love I think, I saw us together, in each others arms. I saw us. It was very hard to let it go, and it still is hard to think about it. To think about him with another girl. But, I need to tell myself and I need to believe and I need to understand the truth of the situation. He simply didn’t see us. He didn’t see me in his life like I saw him in mine. And while unfortunate for me, that’s that. Ah. Yes, that is that. And, I want someone who can see me in their life. I want someone who cannot imagine their life without me. I want someone to feel that deep, aching love for me, that love that cannot be ignored or denied. I want someone to truly love me so deeply that they would do anything for me and for our family, for our children. That’s what I know I need, and I know that I cannot settle for anything less that real love. real love. Not superficial. Real. I want this love… I want it….

How do I get it? Do I keep trying to be the best person I can be? Do continue to work, exercise, eat right, study hard? I think I continue to be the best person I can be. To strive, to want the best for myself because I love myself. I do. I love myself to treat it well, to give it what it needs, to nourish my body and exercise my heart. I know that’s important. I will continue to try to be the best person I can be for myself, and hope that someone will take notice… perhaps at a cafe, perhaps… I wonder where it will happen, where I will meet him. I wonder what that moment will be like. Or, I shouldn’t exclude the possibility that I’ve already met him… Hm, so many thoughts, questions… but for now, I will try to be good. And let the ever-exhausting questions, self-doubt, etc etc rest for some time. I know they will be there, they will be in the back of my mind. Questions of self-worth, of being worthy of love, of deserving something so wonderful and so precious as a marriage and a family. Being gifted the opportunity to have children of my own… There are so many questions, but there is still time. For now, there is time. So rest, rest these thoughts and continue to be good. Be open and be honest.