Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for immortality

I want to try something.

I want to better myself.

I want to begin again every single solitary day.

I want to continue to explore and try new things.

I want to push myself to be better

I want to push myself to be stronger

I want to encourage myself to take an extra step

I want to mold myself into the best version

I want to love myself dearly

I want to offer myself the deep, unconditional love that I so desperately want to offer some else

I want to hold onto myself

I want to laugh

I want to smile often

I want to let the small stuff go

I want to be kind

I want to be humble

I want to remember where I came from

I want to remember the types of lives people are living everywhere

I want to take the lessons, the growing experiences in stride

I don’t want to forget my roots

I don’t want to leave my passions behind in fading photographs of a younger, more bright-eyed me

I want to touch people

I want to making lasting impressions on others

I want to be brave

I want to be vocal

I want to speak my mind, calmly and matter-of-factly

I want to be heard

I want to make a difference

I want to stand out

I want to stand up for others

I want to stand behind my beliefs with conviction

I want to not only think it or dream it, but pursue it, do it and achieve it

I want to remember who I am and what I stand for

I want to always try to be mindful in the moment

I want every moment with every person to matter, to make a lasting impact

I want to be memorable

I want to be imprinted in the minds of others

I want to be revered

I want to be respected

I want to be loved

I want to be held

I want to be kissed, deeply

I want to be safe

I want to be excited, staring into another person’s eyes

I want to watch the world pass me by

I want to have a greater wisdom

I want to have a deeper understanding

I want to find comfort in the unknown

I want to respect the process

I want to respect the time it takes

I want to remember that greatness takes time, patience

I want to be mindful, always, that the beauty you see in the world is a reflection of you

I want to be open

I want to always be seeking, searching, curious, open and available to the unknown, to what the earth and the universe has to offer

I want to be ready, open armed

She looks to her past

She looks to her past, she sees glimpses of memories, the moments that made impressions so deep, imprints in her mind that returns in a fleeting second… triggered by anything, a photo, a smell, an object… She looks to her past, she sees him… and how much of herself was wrapped up in him, how she changed because of him, how much she grew in confidence and self-love because of him, how she loved so deeply for him… She remembers the love, the feeling… and… even after a year, as the details of his face become hazy, and the feeling of his hands become blurry, she remembers within an instance how it felt to be so deeply and purely loved and how beautiful and scary it was to love in return. The mind prefers to remember the good, the beauty, the special moments, the firsts, the laughs, the utter bliss, the passion… I think the mind naturally tries to block out the bad, perhaps it’s protective, but the mind easily forgets, perhaps it actively forgets the moments that broke her, that broke them apart.

And she still wonders why sometimes… She still questions where the love goes. There’s still a slight sadness that she carries with her, always, because it feels like something that was so loved, so cherished, cultivated carefully and bloomed, the love between two people that existed, that spanned a portion of their lives… well it’s not allowed to be anymore, it has to pass, to dissolve, to fade, to somehow cease existing even though there was a time where it was everything– it was vibrant, it was full of life, it was full of  future, of promise.

It’s sad, this is true, because the loss of love feels like the death of something dear. The death of something so powerful and beautiful. But she knows, at least she feels she knows, and her gut nudges her to believe that this is right, that this is how it was supposed to be. She tries, every single day, to take the good from him, from them.. to remember the good moments, the bliss, and to realize that she can and will find those emotions and feelings again. She tries, every single day, to remember that the love that she felt from him was a reflection of the love that she gave, that her openness and vulnerability facilitated that deep connection. That being true to herself, her wants, her desires and her dreams allowed for an incredible relationship with another human. And it’s a learning process, that’s what life is, right? To learn and continually adapt. She learns, she grows, and she hurts but she also adapts.

Keep growing, keep learning, and keep adapting. Take the blows in stride, take the losses as part of the journey… it’s a part of it, it’s the only true way to understand the value of love. Take the lessons and keep moving forward.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. -Carl Sagan

A certain kind of love

I need a certain kind of love. I need a deep love, full of passion and ardor, full of fire. I need a patient love, a quiet love that comes with acceptance and understanding. I need a strong love, that will wrap me up in its strong arms when I simply cannot hold myself up. I need a whimsical love, full of banter and wit, full of laughter. I need a tough love that will force me to grow and become, a love that will call me out on my bullshit. I need a lasting love, that will stay and persist for days, weeks, months, years, and lifetimes. I need a cherished love, one that must be nurtured and cared for by both, every single day. I need an overwhelming and all-consuming love, a love that I breathe in and out with every breath, a love that is a part of my being, a love that that cannot be denied or replaced, a love that is absolutely and unequivocally everything. I need this love, like I need this life.

Tip of the Tongue

“It was a summer night and I was sleeping
the moon was out, my head was beaming
I looked at my dreams like they were gold…

but ever since that night and after
the dreams I had I can’t recapture
and it brings me down so low
the more I search the less I find
the more I look the more I’m blind”

-The Donnis Trio

doubt

I see those people, those people who have loved. Those people who have loved and loved, again and again. I see those people holding hands, in stride, breathing each other in. I see these people, in search for something raw. Something true, something deep, something profound. They’ve got something special, some sort of courage. Inherent will. Something compelling them..

And as I look back, I wonder if I’ve ever had that. That courage, that will… has there been anyone? It’s a funny thing. In my mind, a complex thing, like trying to grasp chaos. Trying to organize chance. Attempting to define randomness. But, perhaps, it’s much simplier than that… one would think right? something so common, so so inherent and integral in every being. It just must be there. It just must… somewhere within all of us, as natural as the genes within our cells. one would think…

Call it criticism, call it doubt… I guess I’ve been bred to doubt until known. But I doubt, and this seed of doubt rooted. I wonder, is it a sham, is it forced, is it simply comfortable?

instinct from deep within

we grow from perfection. perfect eyes, perfect skin, perfect souls. we enter the world with total innocence that begins to fade the moment we take that first gasp. that first scream. that first wailing cry. evolution begins to creep out. out of our DNA. millions of years of evolution begins to take complete control. it dictates our first step, our first words. it dictates absolutely everything. instinct, from deep within. from deep inside. instinct that has been developing since the very first life, and the very first death. life and death, for millions of years. Breeding instinct, breeding what we are today. we start innocent, but we grow like seeds soaked in history, predetermined from the beginning of time. oh don’t be so naive– you have no control. everything that you are has been written since the beginning of time. you are simply fulfilling some master plan, preset well before the formation of your very own conciousness. animals simply breeding evolution for a future race, a means with no end in sight.

The sweet violins. They lull me into lust. Mmmm. Lovely.

At last.

Why care?

Why do we care? Why are we concerned with not only ourselves, but about others. Go farther than family. We seem to care about strangers, as we are all selfless. Caring for the well-being of others… but why? Why do we want to reduce poverty in the global south? Why do we want to cure infectious diseases and cancer? Why do we want people to stop smoking, start exercising, and eating healthy? It seems altruistic on the exterior, but I don’t believe it.

What I do believe is that humans, and all animals, are selfish to the core. Our actions, our decisions, everything we do is always for our own good. Directly and indirectly. Take, for example, eating ice cream. We eat ice cream because it feels good and sends endorphins to our brain. We educate ourselves in order to get high-paying jobs. We exercise because we want to live long and disease-free. But, we also help others because it helps ourselves. Perhaps out of ego and pride, we advise others because it gives us a sense of superiority, we look for cures because it satisfies curiosity, we lend a helping hand because it makes us feel good.

Altruism- the act of being unselfishly concerned for the welfare of others. Not possible. No no no. We are all selfish, even if it is for the purest intentions, we always gain something. From every action, we gain something.

Entropy

It’s a universal law: all systems will naturally tend towards chaos. The entropy of the universe is constantly increasing,ever since the big bang, everything is getting more and more chaotic. I think this is also true for human life: we begin as children, young and innocent. Bright-eyed and awestruck at everything around us. Life is so simple, pleasant. There’s usually love, there’s usually simplicity. Perhaps I am idealizing this universal notion of a childhood, or perhaps it seems this way looking back, but I can surely say that times were much simpler back then. We were urged to be creative, learn, grow, and run.

But, as we age, things get complicated. It occurs slowly and we start growing up. Responsibility and realization. The grimy truths are revealed and a pessimistic world unravels before our eyes. We begin to notice evils, wrong-doings, war and violence. We begin to recognize negativity and understand that life is terminal, everything is terminal.

I can only imagine that this will continue. As I enter the next decades, life will reveal more and become increasingly chaotic.

I find it difficult to grapple with. I find it difficult to not fall prey to it all. To not lose faith. I find it hard to hold onto the good, to the positive. I find it hard to grasp, with every fiber, onto the tiniest glimmer of hope. I find it hard to not slip into the negativity, the faithlessness, the questioning. It’s a struggle and it’s draining– to keep fighting for what you want in life, to keep pushing towards some unknown aspiration, to keep striving. It’s exhausting and it seems so much easier to give up. To let yourself go, to not care anymore, to just drift through life, coasting and taking whatever comes nonchalantly.

But. I don’t think that’s right. It can’t be right. It’s a struggle, it’s a fight, it’s a boxing match against all them demons. When you run until you can’t anymore, when you push your physicality to the last limit, when you aim higher…. well that’s a feeling that cannot be contained. Achievement, power, strength, will… It’s hard to attain, but perhaps good things are worth struggling for. Work hard and life will be fruitful.

I’m not saying that I know this to be true. But it’s something that I hope is true. The other option seems all too easy, all too worthless. I guess we all must invite the chaos and keep reaching for things just out of our reach.

Life. It’s a big word.

Where does my body end and the world begin? There’s 7 billion people. I’m breathing, watching my chest rise and fall, rise and fall. I’m taking in air, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale deep. There’s 7 billion people breathing, their chests rise and fall, rise and fall. Some for the first time, some for the last time. Breath.

I think we learn from everything we do. I think there’s a inherent and basic thirst to treat every experience as important. Learn from what we do, learn from where we walk, learn from what we see, learn from where we stand. I think by absorbing everything around us and taking in every solitary moment and vision and feeling, we learn. We are learning about this earth, that seems to be a part of us, and us a part of it. It’s where we stemmed from. This gorgeous being, this special place in the universe perfectly place between the stars. And somehow we ended up here. Infinite chances that it wouldn’t be so. Infinite reasons for it not to be so. But, you only need one- one chance to be.

Are we really that special, that unique, that stellar? That we were given the chance- random or not, it does not matter. Out of all the potential people, out of all the potential possibilities, we came here. We started here, in this time and place. We were born from the stars, perhaps from infinite happenings, perhaps from absolutely nothing but chance. One single chance brought life, brought this reality to be. Is that crazy? Perhaps for our simple mammalian minds, but perhaps it’s the truth.

We live with the veil of immortality. An ignorance of where we are, of where we’re going. Speeding through space, our earth, our planet, breeding life endlessly and breathing endlessly.

I think unquenchable curiousity drives us. It’s that underlying question, that inkling, that place that the wandering mind goes. You crave to learn about everything around you because subliminally, in the deepest reaches of the mind, you realize that all that you know and all that you are is completely undefinable. I think we live in awe, and rather than sitting around stupefied by the vastness of the universe and a single atom, we keep moving. Constantly jumping from task to task, relationship to relationship as if that’s all that matters. I’m here to say that THAT is trivial. Can’t you see? This sense of need for accomplishment, need for love, need to be fulfilled, need to work hard and stand up for what’s right. What does it all matter? We’re simply, oh so simply, scurrying across this ball of mud we call home. Forgive me for calling this pristine place, this magical pinpoint in space a ball of mud, but it is. It makes me so furious, and partly ashamed because I partake in it as well, in the fact that we forget. Each and everyday we fall prey to a natural, animalistic need. We fall prey to what we think is right and what we think is good. We subject ourselves to what we know, what society has been saying for centuries. We accept and we go. We search for love, for acceptance, for entertainment. It’s all so so trivial, so small.

Look up, dream big and then bigger than that. Our primary concerns, well they have to be bigger than that. What else is there? Perhaps I’m asking big questions, perhaps the biggest questions. But those are the only questions that count, the only ones that are worth pondering about.

Life. It’s a big word. It attempts to contain a lot. I mean a lot. Perhaps it attempts to contain the uncontainable. Life is everything. No, not just the breathing, it’s everything. Because we came from it all, we came from stardust, from a flicker in space, from chance. Life is just as uncontainable as the universe itself, perhaps more so. And to ask what the meaning of life is, well that’s like asking what the meaning of everything is. And, I think that’s what is what drives underlying curiousity. We all have it, we all know that in the dark corners of the mind, there’s a question unanswered.

I mean is it useless to think about? Is it endless and therefore pointless?

I believe, with every fiber in me, that this is the only thing that matters. The only thing that should and does matter. Truly. Deeply. Life, while we may never know where it began, or how we came to be, or why, that’s the only thing that drives the concious mind. Trying to wrap one’s mind around reality, trying to contain the undeniably uncontainable. It’s exhausting and glorious.