Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

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I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us.

Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. -Carl Sagan

A certain kind of love

I need a certain kind of love. I need a deep love, full of passion and ardor, full of fire. I need a patient love, a quiet love that comes with acceptance and understanding. I need a strong love, that will wrap me up in its strong arms when I simply cannot hold myself up. I need a whimsical love, full of banter and wit, full of laughter. I need a tough love that will force me to grow and become, a love that will call me out on my bullshit. I need a lasting love, that will stay and persist for days, weeks, months, years, and lifetimes. I need a cherished love, one that must be nurtured and cared for by both, every single day. I need an overwhelming and all-consuming love, a love that I breathe in and out with every breath, a love that is a part of my being, a love that that cannot be denied or replaced, a love that is absolutely and unequivocally everything. I need this love, like I need this life.

11:18pm

Here we go. words. let’s do this. Currently listening to Cinematic Orchestra. Yes. I love this.

Well, I feel older, I feel wiser. Today, I feel comfort. I feel comfort in my skin, I feel confident. I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I feel wiser than I did before. I feel like I’m ready, I feel like I’m getting there. I am getting SOMEWHERE. Somewhere good, I hope, I aspire. Hmmm, this music is so loving, so simple. It is rich and full. I can sink into it.

I’m conflicted here. Ok, here I go, no holding back. I’m torn, between two men, both friends, both wonderful men, both strong, both attractive, both loving. One clearly communicates better than the other. Aye, no more of this nonsense. What shall be, will be. Let the wind take it. Let the world turn, let things fall into place, let things happen. It always turns out as it is supposed to. Always. Simply don’t interfere, simply live, and go, and go with your intuition, and it will happen. It always does. I love trusting in nature, trusting in life, letting go. let go. trust and let go. and nestle in the comfort that things will work out. They will. They will. They will. Sigh.

Hmmmm, what else. I want to be confident and sure. I want to be myself and I want to go after what I want. Stop thinking and start acting. Stop second guessing. Just go, just do. You can.

When I listen to this song, it brings me back to reality. It brings me home, it brings me to myself and connects me back to life, to mortality, to these fleeting days of our lives. It reminds me that things are just things, but we are people, and we find meaning in and with each other. We are people, and we must find shelter in others. It reminds me of the stars, it reminds me of this universe, of the millions of stars, of space, of time. Of the grandness that exists, of the grandness of this life. Of everything that we get to experience, by fortune, but perhaps it is just because of our nature. We get to experience this, these things, because we are human, because we received the fortune to be born, to be here. We get to see light, and colors, and perceive beauty, and feel love, and feel the wind, and look up, and dream. we get to dream. what fortune. we get to see life, and death, we get to grow old. We get to feel. We get to learn and experience and explore and venture and take risks. We get to do all these things. It IS amazing. It truly is. You must know this, you must realize what great fortune we live in. What we know, what we are, well that’s something great. That is something that you must reach for, reach out and hold it tight. Always recognize the beauty that surrounds you, including the beauty that is you. Always be in awe. Always stand back, with eyes open. With eyes wide open. Realize that the pettiness that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- petty, and small, and simply and oh-so-utterly unimportant. Realize that the grandiose that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- grandiose, and wonderful, and amazing. Just… please… always realize, always remember, to stand back, with eyes wide open.

Note to self

Note to self: be confident, be powerful, be mindful, be thoughtful, be imaginative

Place your hand on your heart, close your eyes, and feel your heart beating, feel yourself alive, feel each inhale and exhale. Know that this is true, that you are here, that you are part of something infinitely more amazing, glorious, and awe-inspiring that you will ever be able to fathom.

never forget the miracle of what you are

Be forgiving to yourself. Be forgiving, be non-judgmental, be kind.

Look at you, you miraculous being, alive, breathing, full of life, full of inspiration and creativity. Look at who you are, look at what you have, look at what you have accomplished.

Never, and I mean never, forget the miracle of what you are, of what we are as a human race, of what life is, of what being alive is. You are here, right now, in this moment- relish that and act upon it. Move, travel, explore, grow, do everything, exhaust yourself, suppress feelings of failure and REACH! Leap, take the risk…. go on, be great. There’s a whole world, and a whole mind to explore, there’s only everything to gain.

doubt

I see those people, those people who have loved. Those people who have loved and loved, again and again. I see those people holding hands, in stride, breathing each other in. I see these people, in search for something raw. Something true, something deep, something profound. They’ve got something special, some sort of courage. Inherent will. Something compelling them..

And as I look back, I wonder if I’ve ever had that. That courage, that will… has there been anyone? It’s a funny thing. In my mind, a complex thing, like trying to grasp chaos. Trying to organize chance. Attempting to define randomness. But, perhaps, it’s much simplier than that… one would think right? something so common, so so inherent and integral in every being. It just must be there. It just must… somewhere within all of us, as natural as the genes within our cells. one would think…

Call it criticism, call it doubt… I guess I’ve been bred to doubt until known. But I doubt, and this seed of doubt rooted. I wonder, is it a sham, is it forced, is it simply comfortable?

a much needed release

here’s what I want to tell myself: just let go. It’s so exhausting to have an iron grip on everything, on every action and thought. There’s hardly anything one can control in life. It’s time to exhale. It’s time to release. All of this worrying, all of this dreaming, fantasizing, I fear life is happening in the background. Take what you get, it’s all you can do. Oh sure, it could have, would have been different. But, while the past in solid, it’s secure, it’s never-changing, and always will be, the future is a complete unknown. It’s the ultimate plasticity, it’s malleable, it is undecided. Perhaps. I guess, the goal is to be content, or not so much content as okay with, at peace with what has happened, what has occurred. All you can do is live in the present and look to the future. All I want, all I want is to let the past fade away, whatever I was, whatever fears and fantasies have held my hands, I want to let them drift with the wind. Step forward, and take what you get. It may not be ideal, in fact, it probably won’t be. But it’s something. Work with the cards life hands you and adapt. Only those that adapt survive. So in those moments of uncertainty, just choose. One path. And go full force, with every fiber. Don’t look back, adapt, and go after everything, everything.

a rude reptilian brain

It’s hard to control your thoughts. You know, those bad thoughts. The thoughts you wish you could take back. The kind of thoughts you don’t want anyone to know you had. I just had a bad thought. It’s hard to control your thoughts.

I suppose it would take some conditioning. Some practice. But who is to say censoring your own thoughts to yourself would be a good thing. Auto-brainwash? Hmm- probably don’t want the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind type of scenario here. I suppose, then, you’ve got to go past the point. Go to the source of the bad thought. Which comes from… well, I suppose that comes from nature, or is it nurture? Don’t want to get into that either..

Ok, bad thoughts… the source is impression and perception. Because thoughts are simply perceptions of what experiences we have, right? I think that’s right. And perception comes from… well, I suppose perception comes from some innate something. Somewhere deep in our reptilian brain. Perhaps perception is a trait, a gene that’s evolved and encoded for. I suppose perception and originality for that matter came from some distant evolutionary shift, positive selection; it must have been favorable. I suppose perception must be conditioned through what we see and hear, from what we experience, we build up these perceptions and judge the world by them.

Maybe that’s where my bad thought came from.

Questions: From Me, To You

These are a few questions that I thought up and I’m asking them to you. Because I’m curious about the human condition. Because it just might be thought-provoking. Because… well just because. Answer one, two, nine or ten. It’s up to you.

 1. Right now, in this moment, how do you view yourself?

2. Recall every single emotion you felt during the last 24 hours. List them.

3. What are you grateful for?

4. How often do you lie (to yourself and to others)?

5. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

6. Where does inspiration come from?

7. Can you truly love something or someone more than yourself?

8. Where have you been and where are you going?

9. What does originality mean?

10. What is your biggest, most heart-wrenching fear?

Oh Hello Perfect Man. Where have you been?

Love. In this life it may mean more than many things. More than most things. It’s what we want. It’s what we know. It’s what we search for. We look for love. Or…. Lust?  Strong arms, chiseled jaw, broad shoulders, kind eyes…

 I want to feel your arms, tight around me

I want to look into your beautiful eyes and let the world melt away

I want you to brush my cheek with your fingertips

mmMmm baby, I want to kiss you. I want to get lost in you.

I want to feel your warmth

I want you to be the only thing that’s sure. The only thing that I know is sure.

I want our silence to speak more than words ever could

 Superficial? Perhaps…..or, probably. I can admit that because in reality it’s what I want. It’s in my nature, my DNA, and deeply engrained in my core. That’s all I can act on and all I want is a perfect man.

hair streaming behind

bullet in a track. zoom zoom, coming towards her. no turning back. clap clap. she killed it with kisses. walk away, wash it away, let’s go. bye bye, high notes. Come on, come run. Run for your children, and leave your loving behind. Hear the beat, hear the drums, hard sticks smack smack. Angels singing, high notes. dramatic. what was left? after that, well. happiness. my heart, your…. hmm…. Dance dance, let’s forget, let’s dancing let’s ride away, clap clap. Run fast. just run, hair streaming behind, carry me with you, unbuttoned shirt. run run. horses run. OH. i’m behind you, bare-foot and all. Dress streaming in the wind, green pastures.

my mind forgets, like a sepia photograph slowly turning white

Memory: intangibly forever. It’s really all we have in this life. When time speeds up and our lives slow down, all we are left with is a shallow collection of memories—it’s all we have, it’s the only proof of a life lived that counts. While the ability to trap time and space within our minds is utterly glorious, it is undeniably frustrating.

As I grow, as I age, I find that my memories from yesteryear are riddled with gaping holes, leaving shreds of random recollections. While they may not be random, while there may be some subconscious grave importance to the memories I still keep, I cannot help feeling disappointed in the inability to remember every single solitary moment.

My memories are sliced into pieces, spliced together, and strung along a string. Like a kindergarten art project, my memories are hole-punched. Euphoric memories are salvaged, while dull and negative memories are excised. They are snipped from the stream of remembrance, and discarded so carelessly. They fade away, like a sepia photograph slowly turning white.

My mind buries the bad. My mind forgets, consciously concealing.

I find myself remembering only certain things; I tie these recollections down with double knots, and think about them for weeks, months, and years. I never fatigue from grasping onto these memories with clenched fists, constantly dissecting them, mulling them over, trying to dive deeper, searching for… something true.

I hold on tightly, perhaps TOO tightly. And while I desperately cling to certain events, others are forgotten. They are shoved out, dumped like trash in a gutter. I find myself disappointed in the limitations of my mind. It is devastating to know that those memories are gone—those first memories of light and sound as a newborn, the memories of walking and talking for the first time, memories of a childhood—they are all slipping away. WHY! I want to hold onto my humanity. I want to remember and reflect and ponder and know EACH day of my life. Each and every single day that I lived, that I was in existence. WHY should I have to forget.

I don’t want to forget this life. I don’t want to forget what it meant to live, what it meant to grow and evolve. I don’t want to forget the progression. I don’t want to forget myself.



his heart heavy, his head hangs…

A broken man sits at the bar, drink in one hand. His other hand sits clenched and white, full of fury. Darkness drops from his eyes. Wrinkles etched into his brow, etched with regret. His heart heavy, his head hangs.

His weathered eyelids close for a moment, as if hoping to escape, for only a moment

He opens his eyes. Takes a quiet sip. Puts his glass down and stares ahead. Gray eyes lost in a muddled past.

I am, honestly and deeply, infatuated with the idea of you

I do this every time. I sit there, pining, imagining, concocting these wild fantasies in my head that you may, one day, just out of any ordinary day, notice me. See me. Look at me. Ponder about me. Think of me. Fantasize about me. I’d love it if you once, just once, looked at me with passion, with zeal, with ardor, with a longing.

When I see you pass me, when I see you walk by, my heart rate shoots. I literally feel my heart rate increase for a second, a minute palpitation, as if it has been shocked, as if electrodes jolted it. You have physiological effects on me. You face, it makes me melt, it makes me long. You smile, your boyish mannerisms, your gorgeous head of hair. I cant’ get enough. God damn.

But I’m not sure you see me. I sometimes catch you glimpse my way, sometimes see you looking at me from the corner of my eye. But I’m not sure you see me. I’ve longed for you, I’ve wanted you for much too long, and I want to let you go. I want to get rid of every feeling I have towards you, because they are useless. They are empty. They are meaningless, and most of all, they are too difficult to hold anymore. I am, honestly and deeply infatuated with the idea of you. I’ve created this God, this man, in my mind, this amazing and gorgeous man and I don’t think I know you, somehow I don’t think I ever will know you.

I want to let you go. I want to find a new man, a real man to fall in love with. A man who is amazing and handsome and sexy as hell, but more than anything, I want to be pursued, I want these feelings to be reciprocated. I want something new, fresh, and amazingly different than anything I’ve ever known.

But, over and over and over again, it seems that when you enter the room and when you gaze in my direction, my heart leaps, adrenaline pumps, and I fall more in love with this infatuation that I desperately want to become a reality.

tonight, tonight

Let’s be totally honest right now. RIGHT NOW I’m going to be totally honest with what I want. What I desperately want this year, in 2010, is… I mean how do I even verbalize it, how do I quantify it, how do I explain the inner tumultuous state of my mind. My mind tumbles and thunders, and spins and whirls. It flips and dives, it hopes and prays. My mind reaches, reaches, reaches, searching to grasp onto anything tangible, anything real, anything true. My mind reaches for truth. My mind.

I find myself looking at myself. In the mirror. I see that I’m now no longer that young child with bright eyes. I see life wearing on me, my physical self. I hate that this life, THIS life is wearing me down, slowly, slowly wearing me down- and for what? WHY? why should I be picked apart, and broken down, atom by atom. I shouldn’t, I won’t! I’ll resist, and I’ll struggle, and I’ll try to keep myself on point, I try to keep myself moving up, striding only up.

My mind reaches for an answer. My mind searches for what’s right, for what’s good. Actually. That’s false. My mind doesn’t reach for what’s right and what’s good, I mind reaches for what is. Oh what I’d give to know what is. What IS , right now, right here, in this very sentence, in this very line, in this very WORD, what IS. Maybe this doesn’t make any sense… I feel myself getting off track- I wanted to write about what I want, what my goals are, and who I plan to become in this year, THIS year of 2010.

I love 2010. I love saying it, I love writing it, I love the symmetry, I love it’s evenness, I love how it represents a new decade of life and time that has never graced the oceans and deserts, never touched this universe before. I love how 2010 is completely new and fresh. And in some odd way, I feel that with 2010, twenty-ten, (ahh that feels so good!) I can start afresh and anew too. Perhaps this is naive and sophomoric. After all, it’s just a number, it’s just a representation of this period in our lives, this moment. It’s just category, just a number that allows us to believe that we are somehow and someway moving forward. As if time is dragging us forward, whether we’d like it or not. Time tugs on, while we dig our boots into the mud, struggling to slow it down, desperately trying to hold on to what is familiar, to what we know.

I’d like to pick my feet up out of the mud and allow 2010 to fling me forward. Like a rag doll flung from a slingshot, whooshing past nonbelievers who can’t seem to unclench their hand from the rungs of past days, and past ways. I’d like to fling forward. Where I end up, I’m not so sure.

“Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave, without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe, believe!
That life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different.
Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright
Tonight, tonight”

-Smashing Pumpkins

For a moment the earth has slowed down, the mind settles, and all that matters are deep breaths of pure, cold air.

I imagine I’m sitting at a cafe, under an awning. It’s raining. It’s night. I’m just sitting there, breathing in that clean, crisp smell. The water falls on cobblestone roads, as the yellow streetlights reflect across the pavement.

It’s a quiet rain. A heavy mist.

It seems like everything is calm, for a moment. For a moment the earth has slowed down, the mind settles, and all that matters are deep breaths of pure, cold air.

blind yourself

life is about distracting yourself. Blinding yourself. Making yourself look away from the harsh truth that death is.

Death is

harsh

blunt

lonely

cold

eye-OPENing

you are the only you that the world will ever see

so be amazing

there are people out there waiting for you to be amazing

finding love isn’t easy, you have to be ready for it

Some people are open to love. Some people live with open hearts and those kinds of people find each other- at the supermarket, book store, coffee shop, or what have you. Those kinds of people will love often, and grow frequently.

I’m not sure if I’m like that- for some reason, maybe life experience or maybe genetics, I’m not someone who is open and free with love. I hate that. I wish I was open, honest, and forward.

hmm… some people have it…. some people know what love is, how to attract it, how to find it… some people are in touch with that… that innate human intuition…

looking for love is lonely

I realized something today.

I want an simple life. With a few things: family, friends- lots of good and caring friends, happiness, and above all love. And I think that’s the one thing lacking here- love. And I think that a lot of people want love. It’s a human necessity really, and we feel incomplete without it. And I think I try to fix or shift the other parts of my life, trying to accomodate, trying to figure out some way to get love, find love, be in love.

I hate waiting…. it’s lonely…

dusty footprints are swept away

I think about those common people, who have been swept away with the wind. Those who have died, those who have loved, those who have lived greatly, those who were. I think about those people who used to be living, and now exist only in the wind. While they tried, desperately, to put their footprints on early terrain, while they tried to create lasting impressions, to make differences, to be remembered.. they were forgotten. And to no one’s fault… they were forgotten because that’s what happens…….and that’s what always will happen… people forget, memories fade fast, and dusty footprints are swept away by the breeze.

I wonder if that’ll happen to me. I know inevitably it will. I know that everyone I know and everyone I will ever know will fade away with me, when I’m gone. I know it will happen. It’s an eerie feeling, and a spooky thought. While I have lived, and while I am trying to do good and great things…I will fade… along with all that I know, and all that I’ve done. In some sense, one must ponder, then what’s the point. Why even try? Because in the end, everything breaks, and people forget… but I think it matters. If not to anyone else, actually… to no one else, it still matters. To you. You will remember, and you will have lived, and loved, and done grand things… you will remember… even after being swept away… I hope………. I hope I will remember

I am not alone. and I love that.

I feel BRIGHT and WARM. Inside my smile, inside my chest. I love this feeling of closeness, of connection, of relating. I feel like this, right HERE, this is reaching out.. what we do here is reaching out.. trying to grapple and grasp onto anything that we can relate to. WordPress- it allows us to attempt… attempt to find someone who we can relate to, people who we can feel with and feel close to. It’s about trying to reach out, and see how similar humanity truly is. And while we’re going through our own lives, and it may seem near impossible that there are others who are experiencing the same thing, I think this helps us see that it is near possible that there are. There are people just like me, just like you, just like them, who are having the same thoughts, same feelings, same emotions, same ideas, and while, in this ever-lonely world where human contact is dwindling, we are still reaching out- across oceans, trying to grapple and grasp someone who is the same. I love that.

You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself.

you know… it’s about a lot. and this might just be bullshit, but hey who knows, it might be true…

today, i just feel like writing, and i just feel like there might be someone listening. I feel like, if anything, I could be listening! I will listen. listen up self.

it’s about a lot. life, i mean. life’s about a lot, and it’s about realizing that life’s not short. LIFE IS LONG. Life is long, and hard, and beautiful, and tough, and crazy, and at the end, we may want more. I mean, quenching a thirst for life, I don’t think that even exists- you gotta want more and more, and at the end, you feel like wow, it’s done. life’s done? i mean…. really? how can that be? And i hope that once i get to that point, when I’m saying Wow, life’s done, and this is done, i hope that… well i hope that i had a great one. One that i can be happy with, and feel fulfilled. Not financially, or professionally, or superficially… but internally, and simply happy. content with what i’ve become. content with what has happened.

Life is long. and… while i fear a lot… i fear that everything won’t happen for me… i fear that i made mistakes.. i fear that i won’t have enough time… i have to believe that it will happen for me, and that while i have made mistakes, there is time and it will happen. it will come.

It will come. Will it come? I think we have to believe that it will. I think there is no other way to live. Because to live in fear, doubt, and frustration… well that’s no way to live. Oh sure, fleeting doubt and fear, it comes, but it should go. let it go.

Let it go. And hold onto hope, and believe that it will come. Because, if anything, trust in the fact that you have yourself, if nothing else, and if no one else, you have yourself. And that’s special. That’s unique, and undeniable. That’s remarkable, and no one can take that away from you, even after it’s all over. Even after death, you have yourself.

You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself. Because in the  end, things break, people leave, and the world turns- and if there is nothing left, nothing at all, you have you. You have you, and that’s remarkable. So trust in yourself, trust in life, trust in promise, trust in the human condition, trust in you that: it’s about a lot, and while life is long, it will come. So let it go because you have yourself. Undeniably.

Why do we get to be?

Fragments. Fragmented, cut up, broken. It’s what we know. These sharp shards of all that we know sit in our minds, and somehow we cope. I mean I don’t really get it… I don’t get how I can live in this world, and accept that I don’t, and will never understand everything. I don’t get how I can live in this world, and walk the same paths, and do the same things, and see the same people, and not understand everything. Honestly.

We come into this world, a screaming pink ball, so angry that we had to come out of that comfort place, that beautiful warm womb. We come into this world, and are expected to adapt. And grow. And accept. Accept all that we see, and all that is, we must accept it because it is here, and it is real, as real as we know. And because it is here and because we can see it, touch it, feel it, it is real, and that’s all that matters. So we live in this world.

We live with these fragments. Fragments of what life is. Fragments of what “human” means. Fragments of a higher power that is all knowning. Fragments of an eternalness of it all. Fragments of the universe that we somehow, somehow are a part of, without even acknowledging it, we are, we are a part of it. Fundamentally, and essentially. It is unquestioning. Right? Maybe.

I just don’t get it. I mean, I get that there is life, and there is us, because I am here, at least in this moment I think I am, and I think that’s good enough to acknowledge that this is true. Right now is happening, at least we think it is. But, in essence, what does it matter if it truly is or isn’t. Because thought, and agreement that what is, IS, well that makes things real. And so I am sitting here, real. I am real, and you are real, and we are living in this world together, as we imagine it and percieve it, and how we see it makes it how it is, because that is all we know. And so we sit here, together, in this world, seeing, living, breathing, and nothing.

No questions. No demands for answers! NOTHING! I don’t get it! I don’t get how people are just “OK” with this. This reality- people accept it, undeniably. As if this is real, because it is what we know. There is no questioning. None. There is no question about why! There are no questions about us, and the universe, and where we come from- where these personalities, and thoughts, these complex and unique thoughts come from. Sure, from DNA, from genes, from biology, but why? Why do we have capabilities to be? To be freely thinking and moving? Why do we get to be?

Why do we get to be?

I guess that’s the question right there. And, if we get to be, and I think most would agree, at least those who are, that we are, right now, right here, we are. And if we are, and we get to be, and maybe it’s this wonderful gift, maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it just is, then why do we get to die? Why do we have to die? Why do we get to live and get to die- it should be really one or the other. But then again, who I am to say what things “should” be like. Haha, it’s comical really, to think that we can suggest how things “should” be, when we have no control over how things are. We are just thrown into this reality, and are expected to accept it, and to just be “ok” with the fact that we get to live and we get to die.

So why do we get to be? And why do we get to die?