Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for life

I want to try something.

I want to better myself.

I want to begin again every single solitary day.

I want to continue to explore and try new things.

I want to push myself to be better

I want to push myself to be stronger

I want to encourage myself to take an extra step

I want to mold myself into the best version

I want to love myself dearly

I want to offer myself the deep, unconditional love that I so desperately want to offer some else

I want to hold onto myself

I want to laugh

I want to smile often

I want to let the small stuff go

I want to be kind

I want to be humble

I want to remember where I came from

I want to remember the types of lives people are living everywhere

I want to take the lessons, the growing experiences in stride

I don’t want to forget my roots

I don’t want to leave my passions behind in fading photographs of a younger, more bright-eyed me

I want to touch people

I want to making lasting impressions on others

I want to be brave

I want to be vocal

I want to speak my mind, calmly and matter-of-factly

I want to be heard

I want to make a difference

I want to stand out

I want to stand up for others

I want to stand behind my beliefs with conviction

I want to not only think it or dream it, but pursue it, do it and achieve it

I want to remember who I am and what I stand for

I want to always try to be mindful in the moment

I want every moment with every person to matter, to make a lasting impact

I want to be memorable

I want to be imprinted in the minds of others

I want to be revered

I want to be respected

I want to be loved

I want to be held

I want to be kissed, deeply

I want to be safe

I want to be excited, staring into another person’s eyes

I want to watch the world pass me by

I want to have a greater wisdom

I want to have a deeper understanding

I want to find comfort in the unknown

I want to respect the process

I want to respect the time it takes

I want to remember that greatness takes time, patience

I want to be mindful, always, that the beauty you see in the world is a reflection of you

I want to be open

I want to always be seeking, searching, curious, open and available to the unknown, to what the earth and the universe has to offer

I want to be ready, open armed

What I’m not willing to compromise.

At this moment, right now, I want to remember my standards and my expectations. I want to remember what I stand for and what I’m looking for. There are some things that you can compromise on and there are some things that you cannot compromise on. I expect and demand reliability, I expect you to follow through with what you say. I don’t tolerate someone treating me poorly, treating me in any way that I don’t want to be treated. Yes you’re nice, you’re fun…but you seem inexperienced. You’re unsure. You don’t really know what you’re doing. Maybe you’re inexperienced, but maybe this is just who you are. You just might not be able to fulfill what I want and what I need. And I won’t apologize or compromise on my needs. I expect certain things from someone I’m dating, from someone I’m pursuing a romantic relationship. Trust is the foundation, it’s delicate and it takes time to foster, and if it’s broken again and again, well that’s just destined to fail. I need to stay firm, stay strong. I am running out of patience and understanding. I’ve given you multiple chances to show and prove who you are, what you stand for, and how you choose to treat me. Because life is full of choices, every moment, every minute, every hour, every day…. and I’ll judge you on your choices, and how you prioritize your time and your energy. If something isn’t in my best interest, I need to walk away, I need to listen to my instincts and my gut. I need to be strong. I need to stand for what I believe in. Because our beliefs are challenged, at times it’s extremely difficult to stay strong and firm in what you want, what you demand, what you know you need, but you have to look inward at these times, look into yourself and realize who you are, where you’ve come from, what you’ve gained from years of experiences with people on this earth. Realize that you’ve known better. You see in others that there is better out there. Choose yourself, choose the better, choose faith, choose the future that you want. Choose happiness, choose comfort, choose peace. You are an amazing creature, beautiful, smart, strong, witty, and altruistic. You should be with someone who can only enhance yourself, bring you to a higher level, not bring you down. Believe in that. Always.

She looks to her past

She looks to her past, she sees glimpses of memories, the moments that made impressions so deep, imprints in her mind that returns in a fleeting second… triggered by anything, a photo, a smell, an object… She looks to her past, she sees him… and how much of herself was wrapped up in him, how she changed because of him, how much she grew in confidence and self-love because of him, how she loved so deeply for him… She remembers the love, the feeling… and… even after a year, as the details of his face become hazy, and the feeling of his hands become blurry, she remembers within an instance how it felt to be so deeply and purely loved and how beautiful and scary it was to love in return. The mind prefers to remember the good, the beauty, the special moments, the firsts, the laughs, the utter bliss, the passion… I think the mind naturally tries to block out the bad, perhaps it’s protective, but the mind easily forgets, perhaps it actively forgets the moments that broke her, that broke them apart.

And she still wonders why sometimes… She still questions where the love goes. There’s still a slight sadness that she carries with her, always, because it feels like something that was so loved, so cherished, cultivated carefully and bloomed, the love between two people that existed, that spanned a portion of their lives… well it’s not allowed to be anymore, it has to pass, to dissolve, to fade, to somehow cease existing even though there was a time where it was everything– it was vibrant, it was full of life, it was full of  future, of promise.

It’s sad, this is true, because the loss of love feels like the death of something dear. The death of something so powerful and beautiful. But she knows, at least she feels she knows, and her gut nudges her to believe that this is right, that this is how it was supposed to be. She tries, every single day, to take the good from him, from them.. to remember the good moments, the bliss, and to realize that she can and will find those emotions and feelings again. She tries, every single day, to remember that the love that she felt from him was a reflection of the love that she gave, that her openness and vulnerability facilitated that deep connection. That being true to herself, her wants, her desires and her dreams allowed for an incredible relationship with another human. And it’s a learning process, that’s what life is, right? To learn and continually adapt. She learns, she grows, and she hurts but she also adapts.

Keep growing, keep learning, and keep adapting. Take the blows in stride, take the losses as part of the journey… it’s a part of it, it’s the only true way to understand the value of love. Take the lessons and keep moving forward.

Mindful

The music starts to play, lightly, the piano sings a soft lullaby, lulling your mind, sweeping your thoughts into currents and eddies, floating effortlessly, moving with the air, with the wind. You watch the keys dance, ivory white leaping and diving in a choreographed ballet with their jet black partners following in suit. It’s as if that’s all they know, because it is all they know and all they will ever know. Their purpose and their intention being to follow their bony puppeteers, the true orchestrators, and translate thought into harmonious cadence, inviting unsuspecting listeners to be swept up in sweet serenity.

I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

What is it?

What is it about a man?

Is it his eyes, that pierce straight into yours, beautiful blues and greens. Is it his smile? That genuine smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes. Is it his jaw? Strong, firm and covered in soft facial hair. Is it his shoulders? His arms? His hands? That pull you in and hold you tight at night, that pick you up and twirl you around, that wipe away the tears from your eyes. Is it his chest? The most heavenly place to rest your head and allow your mind to wander as you feel each and every lub dub. Is it his legs? Long, lean, powerful and able to run beside you. Is it his smell? So intoxicating, it smells of home, of familiarity. It’s a smell that comforts, that reminds you in an instant of the essence of him. Is it his mind? Utterly complex. A mind that knows the world but remains untarnished and unjaded, a mind that is humble and kind, patient and loving, giving and truthful.

What is it about a man?

Baby

You have the world in your hands, your tiny hands. You have a light in your eyes. Take it all in, every new image, every sunrise, every glimpse of your momma’s face. And learn, crawl, explore this new terrain. Make new memories of this earthy place. It is wondrous, it is vast and it is glorious. Look around with open eyes.

Stream of thoughts, no filter

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a stream of thoughts, completely unhindered, while I listened to a song.. a song that I connect to, a song that pulls at my heartstrings. Right now, I’m listening to The Cinematic Orchestra “To Build a Home.” Let the ramblings begin. This may get heavy. And tears may come. Ok here I go:

What, what do I feel, right now. I feel old, I feel tired. I feel like everything is connected and that things are moving way to fast. I see them, I see the others who have more, who have people. They have their people, their loved ones, their husbands, their lovers. I want that so much, I want that desperately. Sometimes a little too desperately, perhaps. I hate when I try to tell myself my emotions are wrong, that they aren’t supposed to be this way, that I am not meeting society’s expectations of how I should feel or how I should act. You know this is all new to me too… life, love, dating, finding a mate. Ah, this occupies my mind so much> I wonder who I am going to end up with, what my life will look like, I wonder who I will spend the rest of my days with. I can see our house, beautiful, built, warm and inviting. I see our children, I see the love that we have, that we grew, that we fostered and protected. I know that this is precious and I know that this is what I want, so badly. It’s all I want, it’s the only thing that matters. My career, no, that is nothing compared to love, to having a spouse, to having a family. I want love. Period. Period. I want love and I want true love, lasting love, deep love, I want passionate love, I want fire. I wonder, at times, whne I will get that love, if I will get that love… I hate that I doubt it, I hate that I think it may not happen, because that simply cannot be an option… and once I think that may be an option, then, well, then that simply breaks my heart. I wouldn’t know what to do… I would be stuck, I would be so stuck. And I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling like I’m not moving forward. It’s so important in life to move forward, to get things, to go after things, to grow and breathe and become and continually strive to be better and stronger. That’s what I’m trying to do, constantly trying to become smarter, achieve more, become strong physically too, exercising always, I am trying to become a better version of who I was yesterday, and they month before and the year before. I am trying to grow up, I am trying to become a woman, I am trying to develop the traits and characteristics that will make me powerful and successful and an ideal mate and an ideal mother. I am constantly trying. It’s exhausting.. this is exhausting just writing about it.

Sigh, deep breath. What do I want to say. I want to say that I feel like in the love world I’m not moving. He, my latest crush, the man that I was deeply infatuated with, well he didn’t choose me. And, it hurt a lot. More that I expected, more than I thought it would. I was affected deeply by him, surprisingly. But, I think it was good, in a way, to know that I have these emotions, that I’m capable of wanting someone SO much, that I’m capable of feeling such sorrow and being heartbroken. I recall a quote that I read once, and I hope it to be true.. it went something like, while you may have loved deeply the wrong person, but imagine how much you will love the right one. I know I am capable of love, a lot of love, and I think much more love than I gave this ex-crush. I gave him love I think, I saw us together, in each others arms. I saw us. It was very hard to let it go, and it still is hard to think about it. To think about him with another girl. But, I need to tell myself and I need to believe and I need to understand the truth of the situation. He simply didn’t see us. He didn’t see me in his life like I saw him in mine. And while unfortunate for me, that’s that. Ah. Yes, that is that. And, I want someone who can see me in their life. I want someone who cannot imagine their life without me. I want someone to feel that deep, aching love for me, that love that cannot be ignored or denied. I want someone to truly love me so deeply that they would do anything for me and for our family, for our children. That’s what I know I need, and I know that I cannot settle for anything less that real love. real love. Not superficial. Real. I want this love… I want it….

How do I get it? Do I keep trying to be the best person I can be? Do continue to work, exercise, eat right, study hard? I think I continue to be the best person I can be. To strive, to want the best for myself because I love myself. I do. I love myself to treat it well, to give it what it needs, to nourish my body and exercise my heart. I know that’s important. I will continue to try to be the best person I can be for myself, and hope that someone will take notice… perhaps at a cafe, perhaps… I wonder where it will happen, where I will meet him. I wonder what that moment will be like. Or, I shouldn’t exclude the possibility that I’ve already met him… Hm, so many thoughts, questions… but for now, I will try to be good. And let the ever-exhausting questions, self-doubt, etc etc rest for some time. I know they will be there, they will be in the back of my mind. Questions of self-worth, of being worthy of love, of deserving something so wonderful and so precious as a marriage and a family. Being gifted the opportunity to have children of my own… There are so many questions, but there is still time. For now, there is time. So rest, rest these thoughts and continue to be good. Be open and be honest.

Heavy

My mind is heavy, it’s weary even in its youth. Weighed down by tired thoughts that seem to stream through on repeat again, and again. It’s as if my mind is a junkyard, filled with dust and debris scattered here and there. On one side there’s a stack of cars, piled perhaps 10 high, flattened and weathered with worn tires from the miles they traveled, from the world they have seen. On the other, broken and forgotten pieces of home, buried toys of a childhood that is long gone.

A certain kind of love

I need a certain kind of love. I need a deep love, full of passion and ardor, full of fire. I need a patient love, a quiet love that comes with acceptance and understanding. I need a strong love, that will wrap me up in its strong arms when I simply cannot hold myself up. I need a whimsical love, full of banter and wit, full of laughter. I need a tough love that will force me to grow and become, a love that will call me out on my bullshit. I need a lasting love, that will stay and persist for days, weeks, months, years, and lifetimes. I need a cherished love, one that must be nurtured and cared for by both, every single day. I need an overwhelming and all-consuming love, a love that I breathe in and out with every breath, a love that is a part of my being, a love that that cannot be denied or replaced, a love that is absolutely and unequivocally everything. I need this love, like I need this life.

Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley

You can feel the music, you can feel the love in the notes. You can feel his heart, his passion, with each pluck of the strings. It stirs something inside of you, the way he plays so freely, so uninhibited. It’s beautiful. No expectations, no judgements, just music that seems so effortless, so easy.

 

Hallelujah

I close my eyes, I feel my breath. I feel my chest rise and fall, my heart beats calmly. I listen to the melody, I bask in the beauty. I see the ocean, I see the sky and the clouds. I see the waves roll in, blue water washing ashore. I feel the sun, warm and strong. I feel it in my bones. I feel connected, I feel in place, I feel a part. All is right with the world, in this moment, all is right. I peer out, as far as the eye can see, nothing but blue skies and ocean stretching across the horizon. And in this moment, that’s all there is. Hallelujah

stay

stay happy

stay humble

stay bright-eyed

stay honest

stay open

stay calm

stay curious

stay hopeful.

11:18pm

Here we go. words. let’s do this. Currently listening to Cinematic Orchestra. Yes. I love this.

Well, I feel older, I feel wiser. Today, I feel comfort. I feel comfort in my skin, I feel confident. I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I feel wiser than I did before. I feel like I’m ready, I feel like I’m getting there. I am getting SOMEWHERE. Somewhere good, I hope, I aspire. Hmmm, this music is so loving, so simple. It is rich and full. I can sink into it.

I’m conflicted here. Ok, here I go, no holding back. I’m torn, between two men, both friends, both wonderful men, both strong, both attractive, both loving. One clearly communicates better than the other. Aye, no more of this nonsense. What shall be, will be. Let the wind take it. Let the world turn, let things fall into place, let things happen. It always turns out as it is supposed to. Always. Simply don’t interfere, simply live, and go, and go with your intuition, and it will happen. It always does. I love trusting in nature, trusting in life, letting go. let go. trust and let go. and nestle in the comfort that things will work out. They will. They will. They will. Sigh.

Hmmmm, what else. I want to be confident and sure. I want to be myself and I want to go after what I want. Stop thinking and start acting. Stop second guessing. Just go, just do. You can.

When I listen to this song, it brings me back to reality. It brings me home, it brings me to myself and connects me back to life, to mortality, to these fleeting days of our lives. It reminds me that things are just things, but we are people, and we find meaning in and with each other. We are people, and we must find shelter in others. It reminds me of the stars, it reminds me of this universe, of the millions of stars, of space, of time. Of the grandness that exists, of the grandness of this life. Of everything that we get to experience, by fortune, but perhaps it is just because of our nature. We get to experience this, these things, because we are human, because we received the fortune to be born, to be here. We get to see light, and colors, and perceive beauty, and feel love, and feel the wind, and look up, and dream. we get to dream. what fortune. we get to see life, and death, we get to grow old. We get to feel. We get to learn and experience and explore and venture and take risks. We get to do all these things. It IS amazing. It truly is. You must know this, you must realize what great fortune we live in. What we know, what we are, well that’s something great. That is something that you must reach for, reach out and hold it tight. Always recognize the beauty that surrounds you, including the beauty that is you. Always be in awe. Always stand back, with eyes open. With eyes wide open. Realize that the pettiness that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- petty, and small, and simply and oh-so-utterly unimportant. Realize that the grandiose that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- grandiose, and wonderful, and amazing. Just… please… always realize, always remember, to stand back, with eyes wide open.

Note to self

Note to self: be confident, be powerful, be mindful, be thoughtful, be imaginative

Place your hand on your heart, close your eyes, and feel your heart beating, feel yourself alive, feel each inhale and exhale. Know that this is true, that you are here, that you are part of something infinitely more amazing, glorious, and awe-inspiring that you will ever be able to fathom.

I wish

I wish the best for you. Only the best. In life, you will experience good things and bad things, and sometimes great things. I wish you will relish in the good, bad, and the great.

the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment

let the politicians figure it out. let them fight the fights. let the soldiers go to battle.

sometimes, I think it’s all overwhelming. I think all that is here, on this earth, it’s too much–all the people, all the suffering, all the fighting, all the arguments, all the killing, all the sadness, all the joy, all the beauty, all the births and all the deaths, all the life changes, all the milestones, all the relationships, all the animals, all the diversity, all the open spaces, all the deep oceans, all the stars in the sky, all the vastness, all the evolution, all the religion, all the politics, all the thoughts, all the beliefs, all the misunderstandings, all the relationships, all the marriages, all the families, all the childhoods, all the nightmares, all the fears, all the faith, all the rivers, all the trees, all the woods, all the shorelines, all the specs of sand, all the cars, all the planes, all the trains, all the poverty, all the disease, all the hunger, all the hopelessness, all the damaged, all the injustice, all the talk, all the noise, all of it. All of it, constant and real.

how does one wrap one’s mind around all of it, constantly changing, morphing, evolving? how does one keep track? how does one make any sense out of everything? It’s terrifying, and amazing, sad and joyous, earth-shattering and awesome. It everything. And, when were in the middle of it, in the thick of this madness, in the center of the storm, in between foresight and hindsight, I can only find indescribable fear that one day, it will all be gone.

All of it, gone from memory, gone from conciousness. And the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment, not even flinch. Time will go on, people will keep moving, talking, and the noise will only get louder.

I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend why there is such cruelty, such disregard. To experience something so awesome, so tantalizing, so inspiring, only to have to leave it, leaving not a trace and taking… nothing.

Tip of the Tongue

“It was a summer night and I was sleeping
the moon was out, my head was beaming
I looked at my dreams like they were gold…

but ever since that night and after
the dreams I had I can’t recapture
and it brings me down so low
the more I search the less I find
the more I look the more I’m blind”

-The Donnis Trio

delicate

delicate

never forget the miracle of what you are

Be forgiving to yourself. Be forgiving, be non-judgmental, be kind.

Look at you, you miraculous being, alive, breathing, full of life, full of inspiration and creativity. Look at who you are, look at what you have, look at what you have accomplished.

Never, and I mean never, forget the miracle of what you are, of what we are as a human race, of what life is, of what being alive is. You are here, right now, in this moment- relish that and act upon it. Move, travel, explore, grow, do everything, exhaust yourself, suppress feelings of failure and REACH! Leap, take the risk…. go on, be great. There’s a whole world, and a whole mind to explore, there’s only everything to gain.

Life moves with the waves

The sea is wondrous. Teeming with life, constantly and forever moving. Life moves with the waves, with the surges, with the crashes. The ocean, with such vastness, stretches around this earth, with its deep blues, teal greens, and foamy whites, with its mystery in inky black crevasses, with such power as it surges to touch the sky. As the moon tugs upon its waters, the creatures swim with such radiance and artistry, simply looking for survival. And the whales! Oh how I love the whales, such grandiose and majestic creatures, singing deep songs that echo for miles and miles. Yes, the ocean is wonderful and powerful, deep and wise, living, breathing, and forever moving.

Golden

Sunshine poured down from above, golden honey, glorious luminance, bathing stretches of vibrant green, alive with life. Dense and robust, the fields greedily soaked in the light, stretching upwards and upwards, reaching for the sky.

Go on, Friend me!

Since 2007, I have been using this blog as an outlet for my wandering thoughts, ideas, and dreams about life, love, nature, humanity, the universe, and much more. While my hopes are that the sole purpose of this blog is to put my thoughts out into the universe, I am also curious about who relates to my posts, who resonates with my words, as well as who vehemently disagrees! I deeply appreciate all the comments and “likes” from those who have skimmed my ramblings. In the hopes of reaching and identifying my readers, I have created a Facebook profile:

http://www.facebook.com/revitalization.wordpress

All new posts will show up on this page- feel free to leave comments!

Well…what are you waiting for, go on, Friend me!

doubt

I see those people, those people who have loved. Those people who have loved and loved, again and again. I see those people holding hands, in stride, breathing each other in. I see these people, in search for something raw. Something true, something deep, something profound. They’ve got something special, some sort of courage. Inherent will. Something compelling them..

And as I look back, I wonder if I’ve ever had that. That courage, that will… has there been anyone? It’s a funny thing. In my mind, a complex thing, like trying to grasp chaos. Trying to organize chance. Attempting to define randomness. But, perhaps, it’s much simplier than that… one would think right? something so common, so so inherent and integral in every being. It just must be there. It just must… somewhere within all of us, as natural as the genes within our cells. one would think…

Call it criticism, call it doubt… I guess I’ve been bred to doubt until known. But I doubt, and this seed of doubt rooted. I wonder, is it a sham, is it forced, is it simply comfortable?

sink.

sink into life.

feel it wrap its arms around you

feel it like the paint oozing between your fingers

feel it like the mud between your toes

close your eyes and with a soft smile upon your lips, feel it in the wisps of the wind

it’s stirring, it’s buzzing. every inch of this earth. the people, the cities, the tiny microbes

it’s overwhelming really. but to capture all that life is, well that would simply suck the wind right out of you.

to be aware of such utter brillance…. well that’s nearly impossible

it’s like staring at a thousand suns, you simply must to look away.

All we can do is take it piece by piece, and moment by moment, and be simply overjoyed that I’m here, because of one million chances, one million twists and turns, one million maybes. I’m here.

While it may be dumbfounding, and perhaps it will never ever make sense, here we are, in a utopia laid out before us.

here we are.

sink into life

feel it wrap its arms around you