Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for Me

My golden heart

When I peer inside my heart, when I dissect down past the skin, muscle, fat and bones, I unearth my dusty, beating heart, rhythmic and forever beating. It never pauses, not even for a second. It persists without doubts, without fears, without reluctance. It keeps going, in any and all situations, through joyous times and through heartache and dismal days. My heart, well it’s soley mine, it’s reliable, it’s forever, it’s with me. It’s been there since birth and it allows me to push on, move forward, continue my march through this story we’re told is called life and through this journey as I etch my personalized marks on the face of our earth. My heart takes it all in stride, all of it, everything single day, hour, minute and second. It just keeps on. My golden heart, humming with hope and purring with resiliance. As if it simply knows. It’s a truly beautiful thing, this ticking muscle, pumping life into every part of me.

Blue skies. Open waters.

Blue skies. Open waters. Tall mountains with snow caps. Golden light peering through stretches of clouds, shining on a patchwork of different shades of green. The breeze in your hair, on your face. The smell of the ocean, of fresh moutain air, of pine trees. Shall I go on? Okay. Islands that litter the aqua green ocean, shooting straight from the depths and rising tall, reaching for the skies as swallows dance around the rocky crowns. Bushes and trees hang on tightly to their sides. Silkly smooth sunsets that melt into still ponds and, for a moment, everything stands still.

There is such incredible beauty out there. Such gorgeous imagery, a vast infinity of permutations of nature, evolution, survival, existence.

New, You

You’re new. And you’re promising. And I’m excited about you.

You’re shy, you’re timid, you’re sweet. I like when you’re affectionate with me. I like that you’re attracted to me. I like that you are trying. I know you’re trying.

But. Why is there a but. I want so badly for there not to be a but with you…. It saddens my heart to be honest and to acknowledge that there’s a but. Because I want so badly for it to be you, for you to give me what I’ve been wanting, needing, craving. I want so badly for things to be effortlessly good and feel right. I know things are never perfect, never oh so easy. But some things are easy, some things should be easy. It should be felt. It should be known.

I guess, what I’m trying to say is… I wish I felt reassured. I want to feel secure. Something’s missing. I want to feel like I matter, like I’m on your mind, like I’m your top priority, like I loom so large in your heart, like my feelings are everything to you, like when you look at me I feel your heart, your adoration…. I want to feel like you want me, like you would fight for me, like you want to put a smile on my face every single day, like you want to give me the world.

It bothers me and it concerns me that I’m having to ask for this. Isn’t this something that should come naturally if it’s right. If it’s chosen. I want you to choose me. I want you to show me, tell me, envelop me in the feeling that you want me, you choose me, you are here, in this, right alongside me. I’m there. Are you?

You thought

You thought he was going to be the next great love, another great chapter in the love story of your life. Another man, another great love, perhaps the great love. You saw so much potential in him, he was handsome, he was charming, his smile just melted you, his laugh…. his openness, his bluntness, the way he was raw with you. Even the way he was hesitant, unsure…. this was new for you, not another man trying to get you, you… you had to work for him, show him, encourage him… it was novel indeed.

Gosh, I thought he felt the same way. Maybe he didn’t know it yet. Maybe he was unsure. Maybe he was still stuck on his ex. He didn’t imagine it could be this good, that he could meet someone like me, beautiful, ambitious, smart, successful, funny, talented, caring, open, and honest. He didn’t know what to do with what was sitting right in front of him… why didn’t he know what to do? Why didn’t he try to chase me, capture me, hold on to me because of all that I am…. Did he not see the potential in us that I saw, that I deeply knew. Why was he not being honest with himself. We could be so great.

Gosh. Goddamn. I wanted it to be him. I wanted him to give me what I’ve had before and even more. You’re always told the next love isn’t better, it’s different, but it also fits just a little bit more. I thought he was going to fit a little bit more. I thought he would eventually choose me. But he didn’t. Why didn’t he choose me…

He told me he had reservations. He had doubts. Fucking emotional baggage. I don’t blame him or his exes. It is what it is, but why couldn’t he be more mature and overcome those things. It the saying really true, it’s not only the right person, but it’s also the right time. I would hope, so deeply hope, that if I met the right person that they would choose me, no matter the time, day, night, heartache, or jubilee, the would want me to be there, they would try, they would hold onto me.

He didn’t hold onto me. He told me he wasn’t sure of what he wanted. He told me I was amazing. He told me it was unfair of him to make me wait. Well that’s goddamn for fucking sure. Goddamit. What an idiot. A beautiful, handsome, lovely idiot.

I just go over it in my head. Over and over and over and over. I try to look at every moment. Every conversation. And scrutinize and figure out. All in all, I did fucking awesome, I was honest, I was open, I told him exactly how I felt, I held my standards, and… he still didn’t choose me, he still didn’t want me. Is that what’s driving me? The want of something I cannot have? I don’t think so. I really, truly, deeply think that I am still… still…. I still question why he didn’t choose me because I had high hopes, I saw the potential, but I also felt the connection. As I dwell on it, dwelllllllll, well I start to question it, it starts to grow and distort in my mind, it looses it’s original shape, it’s original dimensions. It starts becoming art, a creation, a fiction of my imagination… It starts to become something that it’s not. I wish my head could lead my heart. I wish to believe that I met a great guy last year, in the winter, and we went on a few dates, and we kissed, and I was excited, but we were in different places, he didn’t know what he wanted and I knew and I still know. He told me I was amazing, he said I wouldn’t be single long. Well that’s the shittiest of them all, isn’t it. Like he is trying to comfort me that some other guy will scoop me up because I’m so great. Fuck you. Fuck you man. Shit. I don’t want to hear that from you, of all people. I wanted that man to be you. You let me go, and you told me to move on. Double whammy. Wha-pow. Damn.

I look at you, and it’s starting to be from a distant. I think time allows us to let things go. Dissociation. The natural forgetting. The forgetting of your face, your glasses, your hair, your hugs, and your smile. The forgetting of the way you radiated when I made you laugh. The forgetting of how awkward and deep your voice was on the phone.

Mixed emotions is an understatement. Because I am glad I met you. You, you reminded me of the things I value, of the qualities I look for in someone. I could list off a hundred, but let’s not blow up your ego while I’m the one feeling down, okay? You’re great, I know it and you know it because I was so persistent with you. But I also want to forget you. I think about you and the missed potential often. I guess there was no potential, there was no reality, no future. You weren’t there. Everything I imagine, it wouldn’t have happened. I want to ease my mind and my heart. I want to slow down and take a breath. I want to remind myself that there are great, wonderful guys who will love me back, who will want me. It’s rare. Maybe I’m saddened by spotting something rare and having to let it whisp by, willingly. I have to encourage myself to let you go. Because you let me go, willingly, you saw me, you knew me, you knew how I felt about you, and you let me go. You told me to move on.

Attachment is suffering, the Buddhists got it right. But attachment is human. And suffering is human. And even with the suffering, I am glad to have known you but more importantly known the potential. Just like my ex, I wouldn’t have traded it for anything, because it was such a huge experience and part of my life. I want to be able to admire the beauty in our situation and apply it to the future, without the heartache or sorrow of missing something with you.

I want to tell myself that you were’t right for me. That the right person would have chosen me, every single fucking time. I want to tell myself that you’re an idiot, you’re a shitless coward, you live within your fear. Who the fuck am I to say these things? I will say, it wasn’t black and white. You left us in a gray zone. You left me in a gray zone. And you left me to make my way through the fog, squinting, trying to find my way to the light.

Look. I guess all I’m trying to say is. I am sorrowful for my mind and for my heart. I want to ease them both, comfort them, and reassure them. You let me go. You did that. I had no power, no control. All things considered, I think I handled that situation like a boss. You let me go, and I have to let you let me go. I have to be okay with that. I want to be okay with that. I want you to become a distant memory now. Something of my past. Something I can fondly remember as a distant memory that would take 3.5 seconds to recall and to mull over and to brush past. Like men of my past… I want your details, our interactions, our conversations, I want them to fade away. I want to find someone who wants me, who wants to hold onto me and never let me go, someone who will fight fucking hard to be with me and will show me every damn day that they care about me.  I want a great love. It’s difficulty to find.

I acknowledge that I miss you, that I wish you gave us a chance, that you told me to move on and that you didn’t want to date me. I acknowledge my sorrow and sadness about the situation. I acknowledge that for what ever reason the timing and maybe definitely the person wasn’t right. I acknowledge that my eyes start to water when I feel my heart starting to break. And I acknowledge my desire to move on, to find someone great and for it to be different, even better for me.

A, I wish you the best. I wish that you find your peace with your exes and your past. I wish that you do everything you want in life. And most of all, I wish that you find a beautiful, wonderful, smart, loving woman who will fulfill everything that you want, make you feel wanted and safe, and who will push you, challenge you and grow with you. I want only good things for you. I hope you find great love and I hope when you find her that you hold onto her and don’t let her go. I hope that you know that you’re deserving, that others shouldn’t ever question your worth, that you’re  a catch. I wish you only the best in your future and just… stay open, don’t be jaded, let her in, she means well. I hope you find her when you’re open and ready and supposed to find her.

I want to try something.

I want to better myself.

I want to begin again every single solitary day.

I want to continue to explore and try new things.

I want to push myself to be better

I want to push myself to be stronger

I want to encourage myself to take an extra step

I want to mold myself into the best version

I want to love myself dearly

I want to offer myself the deep, unconditional love that I so desperately want to offer some else

I want to hold onto myself

I want to laugh

I want to smile often

I want to let the small stuff go

I want to be kind

I want to be humble

I want to remember where I came from

I want to remember the types of lives people are living everywhere

I want to take the lessons, the growing experiences in stride

I don’t want to forget my roots

I don’t want to leave my passions behind in fading photographs of a younger, more bright-eyed me

I want to touch people

I want to making lasting impressions on others

I want to be brave

I want to be vocal

I want to speak my mind, calmly and matter-of-factly

I want to be heard

I want to make a difference

I want to stand out

I want to stand up for others

I want to stand behind my beliefs with conviction

I want to not only think it or dream it, but pursue it, do it and achieve it

I want to remember who I am and what I stand for

I want to always try to be mindful in the moment

I want every moment with every person to matter, to make a lasting impact

I want to be memorable

I want to be imprinted in the minds of others

I want to be revered

I want to be respected

I want to be loved

I want to be held

I want to be kissed, deeply

I want to be safe

I want to be excited, staring into another person’s eyes

I want to watch the world pass me by

I want to have a greater wisdom

I want to have a deeper understanding

I want to find comfort in the unknown

I want to respect the process

I want to respect the time it takes

I want to remember that greatness takes time, patience

I want to be mindful, always, that the beauty you see in the world is a reflection of you

I want to be open

I want to always be seeking, searching, curious, open and available to the unknown, to what the earth and the universe has to offer

I want to be ready, open armed

Hands

She’s a young woman, waves of black cascade down as her head hangs, her face in her hands. She sits, she ponders, she feels… something sad from within. Something of sorrow.  She feels her heart, so ready, brimming with love and possibility, abundant with ardor and zeal. She feels it thumping and thumping, as if knocking on her chest from within, asking: is it time yet?

She lifts her head, her dark eyes gaze downwards with eyelids heavy, she looks down upon her hands, they’re open, concave, soft and smooth. They sit calmly before her, in no rush, wisely waiting, calmly existing, knowing that when the right hands come to hers, they will fit. Simply. And they won’t ever let go.

What I’m not willing to compromise.

At this moment, right now, I want to remember my standards and my expectations. I want to remember what I stand for and what I’m looking for. There are some things that you can compromise on and there are some things that you cannot compromise on. I expect and demand reliability, I expect you to follow through with what you say. I don’t tolerate someone treating me poorly, treating me in any way that I don’t want to be treated. Yes you’re nice, you’re fun…but you seem inexperienced. You’re unsure. You don’t really know what you’re doing. Maybe you’re inexperienced, but maybe this is just who you are. You just might not be able to fulfill what I want and what I need. And I won’t apologize or compromise on my needs. I expect certain things from someone I’m dating, from someone I’m pursuing a romantic relationship. Trust is the foundation, it’s delicate and it takes time to foster, and if it’s broken again and again, well that’s just destined to fail. I need to stay firm, stay strong. I am running out of patience and understanding. I’ve given you multiple chances to show and prove who you are, what you stand for, and how you choose to treat me. Because life is full of choices, every moment, every minute, every hour, every day…. and I’ll judge you on your choices, and how you prioritize your time and your energy. If something isn’t in my best interest, I need to walk away, I need to listen to my instincts and my gut. I need to be strong. I need to stand for what I believe in. Because our beliefs are challenged, at times it’s extremely difficult to stay strong and firm in what you want, what you demand, what you know you need, but you have to look inward at these times, look into yourself and realize who you are, where you’ve come from, what you’ve gained from years of experiences with people on this earth. Realize that you’ve known better. You see in others that there is better out there. Choose yourself, choose the better, choose faith, choose the future that you want. Choose happiness, choose comfort, choose peace. You are an amazing creature, beautiful, smart, strong, witty, and altruistic. You should be with someone who can only enhance yourself, bring you to a higher level, not bring you down. Believe in that. Always.

She looks to her past

She looks to her past, she sees glimpses of memories, the moments that made impressions so deep, imprints in her mind that returns in a fleeting second… triggered by anything, a photo, a smell, an object… She looks to her past, she sees him… and how much of herself was wrapped up in him, how she changed because of him, how much she grew in confidence and self-love because of him, how she loved so deeply for him… She remembers the love, the feeling… and… even after a year, as the details of his face become hazy, and the feeling of his hands become blurry, she remembers within an instance how it felt to be so deeply and purely loved and how beautiful and scary it was to love in return. The mind prefers to remember the good, the beauty, the special moments, the firsts, the laughs, the utter bliss, the passion… I think the mind naturally tries to block out the bad, perhaps it’s protective, but the mind easily forgets, perhaps it actively forgets the moments that broke her, that broke them apart.

And she still wonders why sometimes… She still questions where the love goes. There’s still a slight sadness that she carries with her, always, because it feels like something that was so loved, so cherished, cultivated carefully and bloomed, the love between two people that existed, that spanned a portion of their lives… well it’s not allowed to be anymore, it has to pass, to dissolve, to fade, to somehow cease existing even though there was a time where it was everything– it was vibrant, it was full of life, it was full of  future, of promise.

It’s sad, this is true, because the loss of love feels like the death of something dear. The death of something so powerful and beautiful. But she knows, at least she feels she knows, and her gut nudges her to believe that this is right, that this is how it was supposed to be. She tries, every single day, to take the good from him, from them.. to remember the good moments, the bliss, and to realize that she can and will find those emotions and feelings again. She tries, every single day, to remember that the love that she felt from him was a reflection of the love that she gave, that her openness and vulnerability facilitated that deep connection. That being true to herself, her wants, her desires and her dreams allowed for an incredible relationship with another human. And it’s a learning process, that’s what life is, right? To learn and continually adapt. She learns, she grows, and she hurts but she also adapts.

Keep growing, keep learning, and keep adapting. Take the blows in stride, take the losses as part of the journey… it’s a part of it, it’s the only true way to understand the value of love. Take the lessons and keep moving forward.

Mindful

The music starts to play, lightly, the piano sings a soft lullaby, lulling your mind, sweeping your thoughts into currents and eddies, floating effortlessly, moving with the air, with the wind. You watch the keys dance, ivory white leaping and diving in a choreographed ballet with their jet black partners following in suit. It’s as if that’s all they know, because it is all they know and all they will ever know. Their purpose and their intention being to follow their bony puppeteers, the true orchestrators, and translate thought into harmonious cadence, inviting unsuspecting listeners to be swept up in sweet serenity.

Open up again

What to write about today? What do I feel, what do I see? I feel like it’s been so so long since I’ve written here, written honestly and written openly. I feel like it’s been eons since I’ve let my creativity flow, letting it slide down the slippery rocks and land in the beautiful oasis of your mind. I think I use to think in wonder, wonder and color. I used to write beautifully, I used imagery and enlivened the senses. I’d like to get back to that, get back to the days when my fingers could tap across this board and create poetic prose with each click, masterfully, with little thought, with only an open mind.

I live for…

I live for the chills. The unexpected moments that send shivers throughout your body. I live for the gasps, the sharp inhales. I live for the heartbeat of the lover in my arms. I live for that smell that smells like home. I live for that look, that calm, happy look. I live for his palm pressed up against my palm. I live for his light kiss on my neck. I live for the warmth. I live for the moments when we lay together, and we are it, the world, the universe… everything else is secondary.

I pray for clarity, I pray for peace within myself.

I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

What is it?

What is it about a man?

Is it his eyes, that pierce straight into yours, beautiful blues and greens. Is it his smile? That genuine smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes. Is it his jaw? Strong, firm and covered in soft facial hair. Is it his shoulders? His arms? His hands? That pull you in and hold you tight at night, that pick you up and twirl you around, that wipe away the tears from your eyes. Is it his chest? The most heavenly place to rest your head and allow your mind to wander as you feel each and every lub dub. Is it his legs? Long, lean, powerful and able to run beside you. Is it his smell? So intoxicating, it smells of home, of familiarity. It’s a smell that comforts, that reminds you in an instant of the essence of him. Is it his mind? Utterly complex. A mind that knows the world but remains untarnished and unjaded, a mind that is humble and kind, patient and loving, giving and truthful.

What is it about a man?

The beauty and the bliss

Is it the loneliness? Is it the quiet? What makes heartbreak so darn heartbreaking?

It’s been 3 months, and I still think about him every day. I feel my mind, my brain enjoys to revisit him in my memories. I feel my mind likes to revisit those thoughts, those moments that are so effortlessly permanent and accessible. As if my brain finds solace to go back, dig through the mess, the months, the days, to sift through it all and pull out the beauty and the bliss. Those moments of us laying in bed together, staring into each others eyes. Those moments of us making love so passionately. Those moments of us running and laughing, with such joy. Those moments of us holding handing across the table, having deep conversations about what makes us human. Those moments when I laid on his chest as he stroked my hair and I could so clearly envision our future, the years together, growing old, and going through life hand in hand, heart in heart.

I think we really, deeply loved each other. I think that’s rare to find. I think having a first love that deep and that true, well I think I’m lucky to have had that. I know I am. We were so in love, and I didn’t realize how deeply until after it ended. He expressed it often, and he expressed it sincerely. I never knew what that felt like. I never knew I could develop such a personal and raw connection with someone… a connection that held no ego, no whims, no frills. It was just us, ourselves.

And when it was great, it was truly great. And I can recall moments when I laid in bed with him, smiling ear to ear, laughing and really being present and realizing what bliss we had. I remember questioning if this could last, if this could continue forever. I remember thinking that I could live in that moment forever with him, in his arms. And I sit here, writing this, with tears running down my face, because…. because it hurts to have loved so deeply and to know, and understand that that person is gone from my life, cut out completely, a person who I loved so deeply, who cared for me so profoundly… is gone.

It’s hard, even now, to grapple everything that happened during those 13 months. But more importantly, it’s hard to understand, to really dissect and understand why we didn’t work. Why we fought, why we didn’t communicate, why we butted heads, why he kicked me out of his life, why I wouldn’t take him back. It’s hard to understand why someone who you love so much, could cause so much pain. Both in the moment, with words, but also now, with the absence of words. I wish so badly that we could be friends, because I find it so terrible, so fucking unfair that I cannot have any semblance of a relationship with the man who held my heart, who loved me so deeply, who taught me so much about myself and about the world, with the man who made such an impression in my life… why the hell can we not be friendly, why can we not for the sake of those blissful moments just leave things on good terms. Why does he have such animosity towards me ? He once said he would always love me, even if he hated me he would always love me. Where does that love go? Does it stay in the past, does it stay with those memories, superglued to our youthful selves, nestled within our soft kisses and warm embraces.

It’s hard. It really is hard to let go. I read once in a book about Buddhism that life is a constant process of letting go, of people, of places, of experiences. I think, during heartbreak, we so desperately want to hold on to the love, to the happiness, to those memories that made it all worth it, to that person that turned our world upside down, inside out and showed us a new version of the world that held endless possibility, wonder and promise. It’s difficult to let that person go, those moments go. It’s equally difficult to have faith, to somehow believe and trust that you will find someone just as powerful and influential again. Call me a skeptic, but it’s hard to believe one can struck by lightening twice. Something that felt so rare, so pure, so perfect. And it’s even harder to believe that one will find someone better, someone who is more compatible, someone who will stand the test of time, the ups and downs, someone who will weather the stormiest of fights and hold you forever.

As humans, we crave connection, we crave love, we crave unconditional acceptance, we crave companionship. I found it once. And I lost it once. I’m finding that losing it is almost as difficult as finding it. But, I firmly believe, that it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. And now that I’ve had a taste of it, of that beautiful love, of that deep and profound love… I know I’ll be chasing it again and again, perhaps forever.

 

 

Ah.

Sometimes. Well sometimes I wonder. About the beauty. About the world around me. I look outside and I see the clouds, the blues the grays, the lavenders. It’s easy, you see, to forget the wonder that we live in. That we are submerged in. That we revel in. That we live our daily lives in. It’s the wonder and the beauty that exists only here. Only now. Right now. You are seeing it right now.

Ah.

Yes, right now, in this moment in time and in space, you are here witnessing beauty. Experiencing life. Feeling love. Your eyes are taking in the world around you, your eyes can see such beauty, such colors, such majesty, the mountains, the oceans, the misty rain forests, the sunrises and sunsets, as they zip by day after day. Each day presents itself to you.

Pause, and take a look.

The way

The way your hand grazes against mine. The way our knees touch, ever so slightly. The way you place your hand on the small of my back. The way I touch your arm, your back just for a moment. The way I look at you. The way you spot me in a crowd. The way I crave your warmth. The way your face fills my hands. The way your hands lock around me. The way I think about us. The way you think about her. The way I can’t seem to let you go. The way you let me go.

Sometimes I dream

Sometimes I dream about a life that I would love. Sometimes I dream about traveling the world, about seeing every culture, about meeting people, people who have separate lives, who have lived such lives full of stories, of heartbreak and of romance. I dream about exploring, I dream of discovery. Both within myself and around me. Sometimes I dream about writing. I dream about letting go of all responsibility. I dream about being true to myself, about having the courage to go for what I want. Sometimes I dream of love. Sometimes I pray for love. Sometimes I pray for a love that would be life-changing, in ways that I could not fathom in this moment. Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I wonder if all of this is possible. I wonder if one human can do so much in one life. I wonder if one human can see it all, experience it all, feel it all. I wonder if we all get that chance. I wonder if I will have the chance to explore, and love, and experience. Sometimes I fear the unknown. Sometimes I fear what I don’t have, and I fear that I will never have all that I want. Sometimes I fear I am too cowardly, to shy. Sometimes I fear that I am the only one in the way of achieving and attaining all of my wildest, wildest dreams. And sometimes I cry. Sometimes I cry because I don’t understand it all, and I fear I will never understand it all. Sometimes I cry for others, and for myself. Sometimes I cry for all the moments that I will never know. But, sometimes… well, sometimes I dream. 

Poetry

The moment flows by like molten sapphire

Deep blue silences

No earth below, no sky above

The rustling branches and leaves

Are saying only you are here

Only me

My breath and my heartbeat

Such depth, such solitude

And me Only me

I now believe I exist

-zindagi na milegi dobara

Here’s what I deserve

Actually no. It’s not what I deserve. And I don’t think anyone deserves this. I think you’re just lucky… I think you have to be lucky to find love. To find someone compatible. To find someone else who complements you in the best ways. So here’s what I’m hopeful for: 

I hope to find someone wonderful. Someone passionate and kind. Someone family oriented. Someone who works hard, for not just himself, but the both of us. I hope to find someone who is handsome, who has strong arms and strong hands. Someone who can carry the weight of my endless aspirations, hopes and dreams on his shoulders along with his. I want someone who I’m so utterly attracted to. Someone whose outer beauty, while quite beautiful, pales to his inner beauty. I want someone tall, who can see the world a little differently than I can. I want someone loving. I want someone who holds me in his arms. I someone who will play with my hair as I lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart, feeling his warmth. I want someone whose touch sparks something in me. Someone that makes me feel giddy, and happy. Someone that fills my life with laughter, and I his. I want someone who will support me and stand by my side. I want someone who will listen, who will let me cry on his shoulder. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to have babies and start a loving family. I want someone whose hand will fit my hand, and only my hand. I want someone who loves life, who wants to explore and who wants to live freely because we only live once. I want someone I connect with, I mean really connect. I want someone who will fill my heart, my lungs, and my entire being with love.

Deserve? I don’t think any one being deserves love more than the next. But I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful.

I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies

Show me something new, something different something fresh. I want to see it all, and I don’t think I have yet. I want to see the greatest of goods, and while it scares me, I know I will see the worst of bads. I am young, and bright-eyed, and I hope to stay that way. Forever. I hope to stay curious and hopeful. I hope to always have that light burning inside, that unanswered and eternal question “what does it all mean?” I hope that never leaves me. And I don’t think it will. I want to see what the world, and this life, and what the human condition has to offer. I want to see all of the intricacies. I want to explore them. I want to have a lover, and be foolish in love. I want to travel the world. I want to do good. I want to be confident. I want to remain healthy and strong and powerful. I want to find a man who cannot take his eyes off of me. I want to find someone to hold me tight, and who never wants to let me go. I want to connect to people and hear their stories. I want to see the struggle in their eyes. I want to know the beautiful places in this world. All of them. It almost seems impossible for one person to capture all of nature’s diversity. But I’ll try, don’t you worry. I want to be a poet. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a dreamer. I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies. I want to be a dancer. I want to be an athlete. I want to be all of these things, in this lifetime. And I think I will.

Demons

What are your demons? What terrifies you? What do you fear the most?

We all have demons, but how we deal with them, well that sets us apart.

A beating heart

I look inside, and I see my heart. Beating, red, pulsing with life, humming with curiosity. I can feel the rhythm. I can feel it beating, again and again. I can feel it pumping effortlessly, gracefully. It’s brimming with life, with energy, with promise.

Undeniably Unique

Who are you? Today, right now? What makes you? What made you?

I think the experiences we have are cumulative. I think that each and every person we meet, pass by, interact with, make eye contact with, well, they shape us. In some small or grandiose way, they shape us. Each breath, each step, each and every heartbeat is cumulative. They have brought us to here. Millions upon millions of happenings, of moments have made you, you. Undeniably unique.

A heavy heart

My heart feels heavy. I think it gets heavier as the years pass by. Things seem to get more real. Life seems to catch up to us. My heart feels weighed down, by the world’s problems and my own. It’s hard to explain, but I can feel such sorrow for so many. I feel sadness, I feel the pain of millions living in poverty, starving. I feel the toll on millions of children that will never enjoy a childhood like mine, that will never know what life could have been outside of their own. My heart aches for others, it’s something I carry with me, more and more as time goes on. And while I’m in search of my own happiness, I can’t help but wonder if my happiness is tied to theirs, to others’. I feel the weight of the world, wars and violence, struggle and hunger.. and I know there’s little that I can do, and there’s only so many people I can touch, and these issues will continue, likely until the end of days. It just hurts my heart to know that I led a life, a full life with such amazing experiences, that very few with know. Perhaps this is guilt I’m feeling, perhaps I feel undeserving. At times, I wonder if there is more pain than joy out there. Truly. I wonder. It’s a sad, sad thought to verbalize, but there’s just such injustice, such pain… Just in the people I’ve come to know, the people I’ve met all over the world, while they can make due and while they can find happiness in what they know, I know that they will never know a life like I have lived. Is it fair? I think it just is. I wonder, at times, what if I was in their position, in their shoes, living in such poverty, struggling to find shelter, to find food, to find safety. I’m not sure how I would cope, I wonder how resilient I would be. I’m ashamed, at times, when I realize how trivial my own problems are in the big scheme of things. I am ashamed, at times, when I realize how unappreciative, how ungrateful my thoughts can become…. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, my heart is heavy and it’s weighed down because when I compare my life to theirs, to others’, I wonder why I’m here and they are there.

I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop?

I think writing is cathartic, it’s healing, it allows one to get the words, the thoughts, the feelings, and the emotions out, in front of them, literally. I want to write more, I want to reflect more. I want to use writing as inspiration, I want to use writing as a way to work through frustration, through anger, through depression, through difficulty. I want to write without fear, without judgement, I want to be honest with myself, but more importantly, I want to be hard on myself. And when I say I want to be hard on myself, it means I want to be critical about the way I think, the way I am, my actions, and my beliefs. I want to always strive for being openminded, to be happy and to be enthusiastic about life. I want to keep myself in that wondrous state of mind, where life is beautiful, where the little things around us can teach us about appreciation. I want to be in a state of mind where I can encourage myself to be resilient. I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop? I’m growing and evolving as a person. In the last month, I saw a really dark side of me, of what failure and defeat could do to me, and that truly scared me. I’ve never seen that in me before, that level of fear and uncertainty, that level of… I don’t know what else to call it but fear. It was terrifying. I felt unwell, I felt dizzy, with heart palpitations and tremors. I was scared, because of external circumstances, because I had a deep, dark, unrelenting fear of failure that seemed unsurmountable and close to impossible to overcome. I really hated that one week, that week of pure terror. It was all new to me, I have never felt so unsure, so misdirected, so down, so rejected, so full of self-doubt. And I never ever want to return to that place. It scares me that I was able to go to that place, because I never thought I could be so affected. Others yes, sure, but me, well I thought I was resilient, I thought I was stronger and more powerful than that. I want to be resilient. And I think in times of difficulty and heartache and trouble and strife, I think that’ when your true character comes out. In times of struggle. That’s when we have a chance to truly evolve and push ourselves. Out of that dark, dark place, I found myself saying a mantra, I found myself saying that “action conquers fear,” I found myself doing things to make the fear go away, to put myself at ease, to justify what I am doing. And now, I know that that fear is ever-present, but only in the sense that it’s in the back of my mind. I will carry it forever with me, I will carry the possibility of that fear coming back, but I have to work, and it will take work, to conquer that fear. I want to be healthy, and happy, and certain, and powerful. I want to be the best person I can be, truly. I want to see the world and never give up on my passions or what I want in life. I want a family, I want to have children, I want to have a profession that I love and a profession that truly changes people’s lives for the better. I want all of this, this has all I have ever wanted. I want to grab life by the horns. I want to live, and strive, and more importantly THRIVE. I cannot let fear get in the way of my dreams, my passions, what I want, who I am, who I am becoming. I see people who have struggled and who have made it, who are reaping the fruits of their labor, who are living beautiful lives that are envied by many. I see them, and I hope to be them. I know I have lived a great life, full of happiness, adventure, travel, and I have beautiful memories of endless experiences. And I am hungry for more. Being the best I can be, taking care of my mind and my heart and my health, and never giving up on my passions, on the things that I love, well that’s how you find happiness. That’s how you find meaning, and that’s how you live a life worth living. Ah, I feel great getting this out there, and in front of me. I feel good talking things through and reminding myself of what’s important. Life is a journey, cliche I know, but it is. There are ups and downs, but it’s all about how you deal with the downs and how you take full advantage of the ups. I want you to be happy, I want you to be healthy, I want you to take care of yourself and others around you. I want you to always remember what’s important to you. I want you to be proud of what you have achieved thus far. I want you to know that you are smart and capable. I want you to know that you have affected others lives for the better. I want you to know that you have meaningful relationships where people love you. I want you to know that you are an amazing person, you are a dreamer and a writer, you are an artist, you are a runner, you are. You can be all that you desire. You can. Don’t settle for being categorized into a box. Don’t settle. Just don’t settle. Always dream, always strive, always go for it. And never, ever give up. Because you have been successful before, and you will be successful again. Dream big and never apologize for that. Dream big, live large, and love yourself.