Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for Philosophy

I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley

You can feel the music, you can feel the love in the notes. You can feel his heart, his passion, with each pluck of the strings. It stirs something inside of you, the way he plays so freely, so uninhibited. It’s beautiful. No expectations, no judgements, just music that seems so effortless, so easy.

 

stay

stay happy

stay humble

stay bright-eyed

stay honest

stay open

stay calm

stay curious

stay hopeful.

the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment

let the politicians figure it out. let them fight the fights. let the soldiers go to battle.

sometimes, I think it’s all overwhelming. I think all that is here, on this earth, it’s too much–all the people, all the suffering, all the fighting, all the arguments, all the killing, all the sadness, all the joy, all the beauty, all the births and all the deaths, all the life changes, all the milestones, all the relationships, all the animals, all the diversity, all the open spaces, all the deep oceans, all the stars in the sky, all the vastness, all the evolution, all the religion, all the politics, all the thoughts, all the beliefs, all the misunderstandings, all the relationships, all the marriages, all the families, all the childhoods, all the nightmares, all the fears, all the faith, all the rivers, all the trees, all the woods, all the shorelines, all the specs of sand, all the cars, all the planes, all the trains, all the poverty, all the disease, all the hunger, all the hopelessness, all the damaged, all the injustice, all the talk, all the noise, all of it. All of it, constant and real.

how does one wrap one’s mind around all of it, constantly changing, morphing, evolving? how does one keep track? how does one make any sense out of everything? It’s terrifying, and amazing, sad and joyous, earth-shattering and awesome. It everything. And, when were in the middle of it, in the thick of this madness, in the center of the storm, in between foresight and hindsight, I can only find indescribable fear that one day, it will all be gone.

All of it, gone from memory, gone from conciousness. And the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment, not even flinch. Time will go on, people will keep moving, talking, and the noise will only get louder.

I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend why there is such cruelty, such disregard. To experience something so awesome, so tantalizing, so inspiring, only to have to leave it, leaving not a trace and taking… nothing.

never forget the miracle of what you are

Be forgiving to yourself. Be forgiving, be non-judgmental, be kind.

Look at you, you miraculous being, alive, breathing, full of life, full of inspiration and creativity. Look at who you are, look at what you have, look at what you have accomplished.

Never, and I mean never, forget the miracle of what you are, of what we are as a human race, of what life is, of what being alive is. You are here, right now, in this moment- relish that and act upon it. Move, travel, explore, grow, do everything, exhaust yourself, suppress feelings of failure and REACH! Leap, take the risk…. go on, be great. There’s a whole world, and a whole mind to explore, there’s only everything to gain.

Delicate Arch

Delicate Arch

22 and looking for love

Here’s the honest truth put bluntly. I’ll admit it: I want hollywood love. I want all the romance he’s got, I want the man to pursue me. I want the man: the tall, muscular and fit man with blondish-brown short hair and minimal scruff, who can look amazing in a suit and a fitted black t-shirt all at the same time. I want the man: the confident and witty, yet sensitive man who has every ounce of passion for life that I have and perhaps even more. I want the man: the honest and kind family man who will be a fantastic father, husband, and lover. Are you starting to understand that I am slightly delusional in seeking for what I and millions of other single women would term perfection? But can you blame me?

In life, people strive for the best in any aspect of the human condition. We seek the best tasting food, we try to show the best sense of style, we attempt to satisfy all of our personal desires with the very best, given material limitations. And in love too. If one considers the nature vs. nurture scenario in my personal conundrum, nurture wins out ten-fold over nurture. Since an age when we start to perceive so-called beauty, our environment is quick to define the version of perfection.  It’s ultimately what I described in previous sentences. Images of beautifully rugged men fill every angle of our peripheral vision each and every day. But not just images. It’s the notions, the personalities, the embodiment of values in combination with an extremely fortunate DNA. We are duped into believing that this perfect man is out there for every un-expecting, small-town, girl next door.

I fully understand that my expectations are undoubtedly shallow, unrealistic, and unattainable. But, I simply cannot help lusting over this ideal. And I can admit that this is my downfall: that I find faults fast, that I am unforgiving, that I pass over the just as amazing, nontraditional men. But, it comes down to the fact that reality cannot compete with an idea that is rooted within our collective conciousness. Ultimately, real men on earth simply cannot compete with made-up men who stand among gods.

reality within a dream is reality

MY dreams are amazing. beautifully filled with 5 senses– sight, well of course. the taste of chocolate, the smell of lemons, the touch of a passionate kiss, the sounds of human voice. perhaps the only sense lacking is reality in the traditional sense. But for that moment, for those utterly passionate moments, reality within a dream is reality. Without one doubt, the dream convinces the mind. Or perhaps the mind convinces the mind.

Dreaming, simply not so simple, is a space for the mind to wander. A space for the mind to fulfill desire, to face fears, to be invincible. It’s a reality completely our own. A reality, created somewhere between lobes of my brain. A full-fledged universe, with all the bells and whistles. A world undeniably mine, created and destroyed night after night after night.

Within that world, just as justifiable as the reality we exist in, the mind acts out, unharnessed from the ties of logical consciousness. Chaotic and oh so wonderful.

days dwindle and time prospers without you

As I’m hummingMatchbox 20  to myself, as I am oo-ing to myself, I’m thinking why. Why, and always why why why. Music is amazing to me, so so wonderful, it’s painting with the mind. Singing too, it’s gorgeous, it’s complex with all the minor, miniscule intonations. While I’m listening, I try to dissect–I try and pick out the little switches, changes, flips and dips. I try to figure out how the artist changes her/his voice, how these split-second decisions are made. When I listen to an amazing singer, an amazing, classic, heart-stopping, heart-throbbing, one-of-a-kind, stop you in your tracks kind of song, I must listen to it again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I listen and I learn, I try and observe every aspect, every angle, every dip and every flip. Sometimes, I can listen, and I can close my eyes, and paint in my mind. With a broad paintbrush, dipped in red paint, sometimes green, sometimes teal, I paint. It’s surreal, it’s luxurious, it’s beautiful. I can make art in my mind while I listen to the music, it flows.

Inspiration for art. It comes from music, it comes from life, it comes a lot. Sometimes, I can come across a thought, I can come across a scene in my life, and I can imagine it as art. Like a movie scene. A snapshot. I see something new.

I see a movie theather, with couples and singles scattered about. All facing a bright screen, black heads block some light from your vantage point.  I see myself in the middle of the theater, surrounded by strangers, all watching the same film, the same fate. I mean, can you imagine, seeing your life on the big screen? The first scene: your birth, you- a screaming baby enters the world with no warning, with no idea. none. Then you see your childhood, you see your transformation, you see development, you see your parents, your siblings. You see yourself starting to categorize the world, you start to learn judgement, you start to percieve, you start to realize your own thoughts, unique to the world. Then fast forward, you get taller, you get older, you age and you attain awareness with each passing year. There goes your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s. Can you imagine? Seeing past today, into the future. You see yourself as you will be. All the more scary and exciting…. could you imagine knowing one’s fate in this moment. Knowing where life goes, where you go. Knowing everything that will ever happen, right now, on the big screen, surrounded by my myriad strangers. You see yourself go gray, you see yourself age. Surreal to think about…. I mean, right now, that future doesn’t exist. It never happened, so it never will? Oh sure, every human goes through it, aging, but it’s singular. It’s unique and it’s belongs to oneself. I think experiences are unique, and while we see others go through them, their uniqueness, thier singularity is never tarnished. Childbirth, oh sure we know what happens, every detail, every moment. But, to experience that, well, that is unique. That is something special, and something that belongs to only a few. Death. That too is ultimately unique to every person, every life. Oh sure, we see people die, we see….people die. People die. But, to experience death, to experience, first-hand, it’s indescribable, it cannot be shared….And back to our featured film. You see yourself age, go gray and grow elder. Days dwindles and time prospers without you. Will you be remembered? Will your life, so unique and special, so wonderfully delicate, so singular in this booming universe, will it cause an echo? An impression? Will anyone even notice when you fade away? Oh man, I can’t touch that. I can’t go there, I can’t imagine that. I can’t. I can’t see that. I can’t. I can’t imagine bright lights going black.

what am I looking for?

I’m looking for someone to be with. Just be with.

I’m looking for someone to hold onto.

I’m looking for someone to talk to.

I’m looking for someone to explore with.

I’m looking for someone to go through life with, someone going in the same direction, parallel to me.

Competing With Creation

As humans, we are always creating. New technologies, new medicines, new expectations, new standards. With progress comes improvement, or so we believe. But, are we creating things we cannot compete with? With unachievable standards of beauty, fitness, life accomplishments and more, it’s hard to believe that modern humans will ever be satisfied. Magazines, TV shows, and movies are all sending signals, messages, and cues about what life should be, and moreover could be. And so we begin to crave that, strive for that, reach for that… But do we ever reach it? Or are we constantly falling short to the standards we place upon ourselves? Perhaps we are our own worse enemy in some sense.

Why care?

Why do we care? Why are we concerned with not only ourselves, but about others. Go farther than family. We seem to care about strangers, as we are all selfless. Caring for the well-being of others… but why? Why do we want to reduce poverty in the global south? Why do we want to cure infectious diseases and cancer? Why do we want people to stop smoking, start exercising, and eating healthy? It seems altruistic on the exterior, but I don’t believe it.

What I do believe is that humans, and all animals, are selfish to the core. Our actions, our decisions, everything we do is always for our own good. Directly and indirectly. Take, for example, eating ice cream. We eat ice cream because it feels good and sends endorphins to our brain. We educate ourselves in order to get high-paying jobs. We exercise because we want to live long and disease-free. But, we also help others because it helps ourselves. Perhaps out of ego and pride, we advise others because it gives us a sense of superiority, we look for cures because it satisfies curiosity, we lend a helping hand because it makes us feel good.

Altruism- the act of being unselfishly concerned for the welfare of others. Not possible. No no no. We are all selfish, even if it is for the purest intentions, we always gain something. From every action, we gain something.

Life. It’s a big word.

Where does my body end and the world begin? There’s 7 billion people. I’m breathing, watching my chest rise and fall, rise and fall. I’m taking in air, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale deep. There’s 7 billion people breathing, their chests rise and fall, rise and fall. Some for the first time, some for the last time. Breath.

I think we learn from everything we do. I think there’s a inherent and basic thirst to treat every experience as important. Learn from what we do, learn from where we walk, learn from what we see, learn from where we stand. I think by absorbing everything around us and taking in every solitary moment and vision and feeling, we learn. We are learning about this earth, that seems to be a part of us, and us a part of it. It’s where we stemmed from. This gorgeous being, this special place in the universe perfectly place between the stars. And somehow we ended up here. Infinite chances that it wouldn’t be so. Infinite reasons for it not to be so. But, you only need one- one chance to be.

Are we really that special, that unique, that stellar? That we were given the chance- random or not, it does not matter. Out of all the potential people, out of all the potential possibilities, we came here. We started here, in this time and place. We were born from the stars, perhaps from infinite happenings, perhaps from absolutely nothing but chance. One single chance brought life, brought this reality to be. Is that crazy? Perhaps for our simple mammalian minds, but perhaps it’s the truth.

We live with the veil of immortality. An ignorance of where we are, of where we’re going. Speeding through space, our earth, our planet, breeding life endlessly and breathing endlessly.

I think unquenchable curiousity drives us. It’s that underlying question, that inkling, that place that the wandering mind goes. You crave to learn about everything around you because subliminally, in the deepest reaches of the mind, you realize that all that you know and all that you are is completely undefinable. I think we live in awe, and rather than sitting around stupefied by the vastness of the universe and a single atom, we keep moving. Constantly jumping from task to task, relationship to relationship as if that’s all that matters. I’m here to say that THAT is trivial. Can’t you see? This sense of need for accomplishment, need for love, need to be fulfilled, need to work hard and stand up for what’s right. What does it all matter? We’re simply, oh so simply, scurrying across this ball of mud we call home. Forgive me for calling this pristine place, this magical pinpoint in space a ball of mud, but it is. It makes me so furious, and partly ashamed because I partake in it as well, in the fact that we forget. Each and everyday we fall prey to a natural, animalistic need. We fall prey to what we think is right and what we think is good. We subject ourselves to what we know, what society has been saying for centuries. We accept and we go. We search for love, for acceptance, for entertainment. It’s all so so trivial, so small.

Look up, dream big and then bigger than that. Our primary concerns, well they have to be bigger than that. What else is there? Perhaps I’m asking big questions, perhaps the biggest questions. But those are the only questions that count, the only ones that are worth pondering about.

Life. It’s a big word. It attempts to contain a lot. I mean a lot. Perhaps it attempts to contain the uncontainable. Life is everything. No, not just the breathing, it’s everything. Because we came from it all, we came from stardust, from a flicker in space, from chance. Life is just as uncontainable as the universe itself, perhaps more so. And to ask what the meaning of life is, well that’s like asking what the meaning of everything is. And, I think that’s what is what drives underlying curiousity. We all have it, we all know that in the dark corners of the mind, there’s a question unanswered.

I mean is it useless to think about? Is it endless and therefore pointless?

I believe, with every fiber in me, that this is the only thing that matters. The only thing that should and does matter. Truly. Deeply. Life, while we may never know where it began, or how we came to be, or why, that’s the only thing that drives the concious mind. Trying to wrap one’s mind around reality, trying to contain the undeniably uncontainable. It’s exhausting and glorious.

a rude reptilian brain

It’s hard to control your thoughts. You know, those bad thoughts. The thoughts you wish you could take back. The kind of thoughts you don’t want anyone to know you had. I just had a bad thought. It’s hard to control your thoughts.

I suppose it would take some conditioning. Some practice. But who is to say censoring your own thoughts to yourself would be a good thing. Auto-brainwash? Hmm- probably don’t want the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind type of scenario here. I suppose, then, you’ve got to go past the point. Go to the source of the bad thought. Which comes from… well, I suppose that comes from nature, or is it nurture? Don’t want to get into that either..

Ok, bad thoughts… the source is impression and perception. Because thoughts are simply perceptions of what experiences we have, right? I think that’s right. And perception comes from… well, I suppose perception comes from some innate something. Somewhere deep in our reptilian brain. Perhaps perception is a trait, a gene that’s evolved and encoded for. I suppose perception and originality for that matter came from some distant evolutionary shift, positive selection; it must have been favorable. I suppose perception must be conditioned through what we see and hear, from what we experience, we build up these perceptions and judge the world by them.

Maybe that’s where my bad thought came from.

Questions: From Me, To You

These are a few questions that I thought up and I’m asking them to you. Because I’m curious about the human condition. Because it just might be thought-provoking. Because… well just because. Answer one, two, nine or ten. It’s up to you.

 1. Right now, in this moment, how do you view yourself?

2. Recall every single emotion you felt during the last 24 hours. List them.

3. What are you grateful for?

4. How often do you lie (to yourself and to others)?

5. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

6. Where does inspiration come from?

7. Can you truly love something or someone more than yourself?

8. Where have you been and where are you going?

9. What does originality mean?

10. What is your biggest, most heart-wrenching fear?

Some advice: live deeply, live passionately

Here’s a bit of advice for you. It’s what I’ve learned in the few years I’ve been on this earth, it’s what I’ve come to realize as I’ve started to grow up and up. My advice is:

Live while you’re young. Go out and go wild! Seriously, leave your home, your computer, your iphone and ipad and ipod, and go! Lace up your sneakers and walk out the door. Walk down the stairs and down the streets. Find an adventure. LOOK at the world around you. It’s beautiful, vibrant and alive. It’s there, waiting for you to soak up everything it can possibly offer. We have only minutes left, minutes and hours and years. Believe it or not, it’s a limited amount of time that we have here on earth. Where was I…. Oh yes, go out, down the stairs and down the street. And… Look around at the people. I mean really look at them. Every single solitary person has a story, has a history, has a past. Every single person has a mother and a father, has a childhood, has had heartache and joy, anger and sorrow, happiness and contempt. One of my favorite things to think about as I walk down the street is how each and every person is so enveloped in their own small, little world. Their brains buzzing away, mind chatter. They’re thinking about where they’re going, who they’re seeing, and what they’ve done. They’re worrying about this, they’re regretting that. They’re smiling on the inside because the cute coffee guy flirted with them that morning. Everyone has a story, I’m sure all interesting, all equally epic. I love that.

Ok ok, more advice. One of my most favorite favorite favorite things in the world, is to travel. I love it. Travel to foreign places, the more obscure the better. Don’t plan, just go! Pick a buddy, pick a friend, pick a lover, or pick yourself up and go. Do it for you. Go to Greece, Indonesia, Bolivia and Bali. Tire yourself in endless exploration. It’s exhilarating, it makes you feel so alive. I say, strap on a backpacking backpack, pack a pair of hiking shoes, grab a Lonely Planet guidebook, and book that plane ticket to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. Make it happen, because we only live once and we’re only young once. Make your time count, this second and the next. Because time is dripping and slipping, leaving and never coming. Traveling is great, you can see history and culture, you can taste flavors that are foreign and far between. You can meet the most sincere and amazing people whose life stories and utterly heart-breaking and inspiring. I’ve met some of the most courageous people abroad, all trying to grow and learn, and most of all, learn about themselves and this world. That’s all there is, really. It’s here and it’s now, and that’s that.

So go out and  go wild, look around, look at people, travel, explore, live LOUD and live hard, taste and feel every single thing you’re feeling and never hold back. Live deeply and live oh so passionately. We’re aging, ever so quickly. Recognize that the present is here; take advantage and see your life in the highest regard.

Just some advice, just something I’ve learned and try to live by

calamitous beyond reckoning

“The truth about the world, he said, is that anything is possible. Had you not seen it all from birth and thereby bled it of its strangeness it would appear to you for what it is, a hat trick in a medicine show, a fevered dream, a trance bepopulate with chimeras having neither analogue nor precedent, an itinerant carnival, a migratory tentshow whose ultimate destination after many a pitch in many a mudded field is unspeakable and calamitous beyond reckoning.

The universe is no narrow thing and the order within it is not constrained by any latitude in its conception to repeat what exists in one part in any other part. Even in this world more things exist without our knowledge than with it and the order in creation which you see is that which you have put there, like a string in a maze, so that you shall not lose your way. For existence has its own order and that no man’s mind can compass, that mind itself being but a fact among others.”
— Cormac McCarthy

Inevitability

I can hardly describe it. A resounding feeling of complete uncertainty, doubt, and fear. Sometimes it consumes me. This universal, underlying, truth. That life ends.

Take away all the living bullshit, and that’s what you get. An inevitability, to the very core. Oh god, it scares the shit out of me.

A Series of Infinite Happenings

EVERYTHING has led up to this moment. The mountains moved, the earth turned, the stars exploded, and here I am. I’m sitting here, under an infinite mass of everything that has ever existed. It’s all above my head, all that is. It’s sometimes hard to believe that this moment has been pre-destined since the beginning of time. Since the Big Bang. Since the universe itself began. For this moment to happen, this one, an infinite things had to have occured. In a sense, we’re all connected, and anything and everything we do shapes each and every life. 

In life, from birth, you start moving towards this moment. From that first cry, to that first walk and talk. From that first fight to that first love, you move towards this moment. Everything you’ve ever done, all the people you’ve ever met, grazed by, made eye-contact with, it has all culminated, it has all added up… and the result? right now. This is it. You’ve been moving towards this moment forever. A series of infinite happenings must have occured for you to be here. right. now.

It’s astounding. I can’t help but revel in such an idea.

hair streaming behind

bullet in a track. zoom zoom, coming towards her. no turning back. clap clap. she killed it with kisses. walk away, wash it away, let’s go. bye bye, high notes. Come on, come run. Run for your children, and leave your loving behind. Hear the beat, hear the drums, hard sticks smack smack. Angels singing, high notes. dramatic. what was left? after that, well. happiness. my heart, your…. hmm…. Dance dance, let’s forget, let’s dancing let’s ride away, clap clap. Run fast. just run, hair streaming behind, carry me with you, unbuttoned shirt. run run. horses run. OH. i’m behind you, bare-foot and all. Dress streaming in the wind, green pastures.

i’ll follow you back with the sun in your eyes

baby doll. you’ll be okay. look up, what do you see? stars.

cut the chatter. let it melt.

Ah. there it is.

it’s crystal clear, really. it’s in front of your beautiful, lovely face. crisp green and bright blue. cold wind.

it’s been there.

it’s there. breathe deep. clear. it’s so clear.

and what do i see? I see leaves, i see the glass surface, i see snow caps, pure white, i see blue mountains, i see spidery roots, i see you

it’s moments like these, when I know that it’s this. this. come into this, come.

it’s vast and it’s pure and it’s all i’ll ever need. it’s real and it’s alive and it’s there. it’s been there. simply.

night drops. dark blue and bright. the sky opens and there’s beauty. such wonder, a blanket of truth

be here.

my mind forgets, like a sepia photograph slowly turning white

Memory: intangibly forever. It’s really all we have in this life. When time speeds up and our lives slow down, all we are left with is a shallow collection of memories—it’s all we have, it’s the only proof of a life lived that counts. While the ability to trap time and space within our minds is utterly glorious, it is undeniably frustrating.

As I grow, as I age, I find that my memories from yesteryear are riddled with gaping holes, leaving shreds of random recollections. While they may not be random, while there may be some subconscious grave importance to the memories I still keep, I cannot help feeling disappointed in the inability to remember every single solitary moment.

My memories are sliced into pieces, spliced together, and strung along a string. Like a kindergarten art project, my memories are hole-punched. Euphoric memories are salvaged, while dull and negative memories are excised. They are snipped from the stream of remembrance, and discarded so carelessly. They fade away, like a sepia photograph slowly turning white.

My mind buries the bad. My mind forgets, consciously concealing.

I find myself remembering only certain things; I tie these recollections down with double knots, and think about them for weeks, months, and years. I never fatigue from grasping onto these memories with clenched fists, constantly dissecting them, mulling them over, trying to dive deeper, searching for… something true.

I hold on tightly, perhaps TOO tightly. And while I desperately cling to certain events, others are forgotten. They are shoved out, dumped like trash in a gutter. I find myself disappointed in the limitations of my mind. It is devastating to know that those memories are gone—those first memories of light and sound as a newborn, the memories of walking and talking for the first time, memories of a childhood—they are all slipping away. WHY! I want to hold onto my humanity. I want to remember and reflect and ponder and know EACH day of my life. Each and every single day that I lived, that I was in existence. WHY should I have to forget.

I don’t want to forget this life. I don’t want to forget what it meant to live, what it meant to grow and evolve. I don’t want to forget the progression. I don’t want to forget myself.



tonight, tonight

Let’s be totally honest right now. RIGHT NOW I’m going to be totally honest with what I want. What I desperately want this year, in 2010, is… I mean how do I even verbalize it, how do I quantify it, how do I explain the inner tumultuous state of my mind. My mind tumbles and thunders, and spins and whirls. It flips and dives, it hopes and prays. My mind reaches, reaches, reaches, searching to grasp onto anything tangible, anything real, anything true. My mind reaches for truth. My mind.

I find myself looking at myself. In the mirror. I see that I’m now no longer that young child with bright eyes. I see life wearing on me, my physical self. I hate that this life, THIS life is wearing me down, slowly, slowly wearing me down- and for what? WHY? why should I be picked apart, and broken down, atom by atom. I shouldn’t, I won’t! I’ll resist, and I’ll struggle, and I’ll try to keep myself on point, I try to keep myself moving up, striding only up.

My mind reaches for an answer. My mind searches for what’s right, for what’s good. Actually. That’s false. My mind doesn’t reach for what’s right and what’s good, I mind reaches for what is. Oh what I’d give to know what is. What IS , right now, right here, in this very sentence, in this very line, in this very WORD, what IS. Maybe this doesn’t make any sense… I feel myself getting off track- I wanted to write about what I want, what my goals are, and who I plan to become in this year, THIS year of 2010.

I love 2010. I love saying it, I love writing it, I love the symmetry, I love it’s evenness, I love how it represents a new decade of life and time that has never graced the oceans and deserts, never touched this universe before. I love how 2010 is completely new and fresh. And in some odd way, I feel that with 2010, twenty-ten, (ahh that feels so good!) I can start afresh and anew too. Perhaps this is naive and sophomoric. After all, it’s just a number, it’s just a representation of this period in our lives, this moment. It’s just category, just a number that allows us to believe that we are somehow and someway moving forward. As if time is dragging us forward, whether we’d like it or not. Time tugs on, while we dig our boots into the mud, struggling to slow it down, desperately trying to hold on to what is familiar, to what we know.

I’d like to pick my feet up out of the mud and allow 2010 to fling me forward. Like a rag doll flung from a slingshot, whooshing past nonbelievers who can’t seem to unclench their hand from the rungs of past days, and past ways. I’d like to fling forward. Where I end up, I’m not so sure.

“Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave, without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe, believe!
That life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different.
Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright
Tonight, tonight”

-Smashing Pumpkins

post more posts

new year. new me. I’m going to start writing more posts more regularly, because it’s a great release, and a great way to exercise that little creative corner of the mind which rarely gets to see much light these days.

Dark. Black. Possibility.

Sometimes I wrap my hands across my eyes and peer into the black. I see abyss. Dark. Black. Possibility.

I see what I could be. I envision something… different.

I see a little girl, frolicking on the dusty street in her faded dress and bare feet. I see a newborn baby, with soft pink eyes shut tight, dreaming of light and sound. I see a young man dropped to the ground with his head in his palms, broken. I see a child peeking around the corner, only to catch a glimpse of golden light pouring through glass windows. I see a woman running along the tides, thunder rumbles behind as her hair whips back in the wind.

I envision something… desperate, something forgotten