Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for shine

Mindful

The music starts to play, lightly, the piano sings a soft lullaby, lulling your mind, sweeping your thoughts into currents and eddies, floating effortlessly, moving with the air, with the wind. You watch the keys dance, ivory white leaping and diving in a choreographed ballet with their jet black partners following in suit. It’s as if that’s all they know, because it is all they know and all they will ever know. Their purpose and their intention being to follow their bony puppeteers, the true orchestrators, and translate thought into harmonious cadence, inviting unsuspecting listeners to be swept up in sweet serenity.

Hallelujah

I close my eyes, I feel my breath. I feel my chest rise and fall, my heart beats calmly. I listen to the melody, I bask in the beauty. I see the ocean, I see the sky and the clouds. I see the waves roll in, blue water washing ashore. I feel the sun, warm and strong. I feel it in my bones. I feel connected, I feel in place, I feel a part. All is right with the world, in this moment, all is right. I peer out, as far as the eye can see, nothing but blue skies and ocean stretching across the horizon. And in this moment, that’s all there is. Hallelujah

11:18pm

Here we go. words. let’s do this. Currently listening to Cinematic Orchestra. Yes. I love this.

Well, I feel older, I feel wiser. Today, I feel comfort. I feel comfort in my skin, I feel confident. I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I feel wiser than I did before. I feel like I’m ready, I feel like I’m getting there. I am getting SOMEWHERE. Somewhere good, I hope, I aspire. Hmmm, this music is so loving, so simple. It is rich and full. I can sink into it.

I’m conflicted here. Ok, here I go, no holding back. I’m torn, between two men, both friends, both wonderful men, both strong, both attractive, both loving. One clearly communicates better than the other. Aye, no more of this nonsense. What shall be, will be. Let the wind take it. Let the world turn, let things fall into place, let things happen. It always turns out as it is supposed to. Always. Simply don’t interfere, simply live, and go, and go with your intuition, and it will happen. It always does. I love trusting in nature, trusting in life, letting go. let go. trust and let go. and nestle in the comfort that things will work out. They will. They will. They will. Sigh.

Hmmmm, what else. I want to be confident and sure. I want to be myself and I want to go after what I want. Stop thinking and start acting. Stop second guessing. Just go, just do. You can.

When I listen to this song, it brings me back to reality. It brings me home, it brings me to myself and connects me back to life, to mortality, to these fleeting days of our lives. It reminds me that things are just things, but we are people, and we find meaning in and with each other. We are people, and we must find shelter in others. It reminds me of the stars, it reminds me of this universe, of the millions of stars, of space, of time. Of the grandness that exists, of the grandness of this life. Of everything that we get to experience, by fortune, but perhaps it is just because of our nature. We get to experience this, these things, because we are human, because we received the fortune to be born, to be here. We get to see light, and colors, and perceive beauty, and feel love, and feel the wind, and look up, and dream. we get to dream. what fortune. we get to see life, and death, we get to grow old. We get to feel. We get to learn and experience and explore and venture and take risks. We get to do all these things. It IS amazing. It truly is. You must know this, you must realize what great fortune we live in. What we know, what we are, well that’s something great. That is something that you must reach for, reach out and hold it tight. Always recognize the beauty that surrounds you, including the beauty that is you. Always be in awe. Always stand back, with eyes open. With eyes wide open. Realize that the pettiness that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- petty, and small, and simply and oh-so-utterly unimportant. Realize that the grandiose that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- grandiose, and wonderful, and amazing. Just… please… always realize, always remember, to stand back, with eyes wide open.

Tip of the Tongue

“It was a summer night and I was sleeping
the moon was out, my head was beaming
I looked at my dreams like they were gold…

but ever since that night and after
the dreams I had I can’t recapture
and it brings me down so low
the more I search the less I find
the more I look the more I’m blind”

-The Donnis Trio

beautiful day in the bay

beautiful day in the bay

Life moves with the waves

The sea is wondrous. Teeming with life, constantly and forever moving. Life moves with the waves, with the surges, with the crashes. The ocean, with such vastness, stretches around this earth, with its deep blues, teal greens, and foamy whites, with its mystery in inky black crevasses, with such power as it surges to touch the sky. As the moon tugs upon its waters, the creatures swim with such radiance and artistry, simply looking for survival. And the whales! Oh how I love the whales, such grandiose and majestic creatures, singing deep songs that echo for miles and miles. Yes, the ocean is wonderful and powerful, deep and wise, living, breathing, and forever moving.

Golden

Sunshine poured down from above, golden honey, glorious luminance, bathing stretches of vibrant green, alive with life. Dense and robust, the fields greedily soaked in the light, stretching upwards and upwards, reaching for the sky.

Where does the plasticity go?

This momentous day. This moment that may be defined by years, by decades. It’s supposed to be a turning point, the start of a future so bright, and the close of a childish past. I thought these years, these past four years, would give me answers. I thought that I would exit with answers to the so many questions I entered with. But, I think I’m coming out with so many more. Questions, curiosity, wonder if decisions made were good, were right, were supposed to be. I have a hard time grappling with my decisions, I have a hard time not considering the contrary, and wondering what if, what would have happened, and what could have been. It tortures me, to think of all that I have potentially missed, all that I potentially lost. Oh sure, I’m certain some decisions were right, were good and were fruitful. But, there has to be that other half, that other 50% of decisions, actions, thoughts, and doings that were wrong, that should have been different, altered, changed for the better.

I guess it all comes down to regret. Regretting decisions, regretting actions or, more likely, non-actions. Stifling actions… well that just stifles self-growth. Agh, what am I really even talking about?

I guess what I’m trying to say is that uncertainty is cruel and inevitable. All you can do is go with your gut, but moreover, push yourself to take that chance. Take that risk that may seem a little risky, a little uncertain, but the potential gain, potential being the operative word, it is quite huge. Staying with the safe, staying with what you know, well…that stifles.

So here I am. Once again, constantly returning to this one place. This one edge. In my mind’s eye, in the depths of my cluttered imagination, I see a cliff. Behind me is a lush, tropical rain forest, and before me is a sheer drop. I can see the horizon, and there are clear, blue skies above. The wind whips my hair back, air circulates through my nostrils, into my chest, and back out. I can feel the presence of something bigger than me. I feel surrounded by nature, nurtured almost. I’m peering down, into the depths, but I cannot see anything. It’s so peaceful here. I stand at the edge, I peer below, but I don’t jump…. I just stare below in wonderment.

Well. I wonder. In this fantasy, in this mind’s moment, in this figurative scenario that seems to have been built up in my mind by the figments of my life experiences… I wonder if it’s symbolic or simply bull. Am I standing at the edge of some big decision? Am I supposed to take this big leap, this big lunge? Will things change, will my life change for the better? There goes my fear of uncertainty again… it’s so hard to control sometimes. But it’s so true. The uncertain. It’s a scary place to grace.

As I get older, as I become more familiar with this world and as I learn more about myself, I find it hard to change. I find myself getting set in my ways, in my beliefs. I find it hard to make that change, to take that risk. Why is that? Where does the plasticity go?

Entropy

It’s a universal law: all systems will naturally tend towards chaos. The entropy of the universe is constantly increasing,ever since the big bang, everything is getting more and more chaotic. I think this is also true for human life: we begin as children, young and innocent. Bright-eyed and awestruck at everything around us. Life is so simple, pleasant. There’s usually love, there’s usually simplicity. Perhaps I am idealizing this universal notion of a childhood, or perhaps it seems this way looking back, but I can surely say that times were much simpler back then. We were urged to be creative, learn, grow, and run.

But, as we age, things get complicated. It occurs slowly and we start growing up. Responsibility and realization. The grimy truths are revealed and a pessimistic world unravels before our eyes. We begin to notice evils, wrong-doings, war and violence. We begin to recognize negativity and understand that life is terminal, everything is terminal.

I can only imagine that this will continue. As I enter the next decades, life will reveal more and become increasingly chaotic.

I find it difficult to grapple with. I find it difficult to not fall prey to it all. To not lose faith. I find it hard to hold onto the good, to the positive. I find it hard to grasp, with every fiber, onto the tiniest glimmer of hope. I find it hard to not slip into the negativity, the faithlessness, the questioning. It’s a struggle and it’s draining– to keep fighting for what you want in life, to keep pushing towards some unknown aspiration, to keep striving. It’s exhausting and it seems so much easier to give up. To let yourself go, to not care anymore, to just drift through life, coasting and taking whatever comes nonchalantly.

But. I don’t think that’s right. It can’t be right. It’s a struggle, it’s a fight, it’s a boxing match against all them demons. When you run until you can’t anymore, when you push your physicality to the last limit, when you aim higher…. well that’s a feeling that cannot be contained. Achievement, power, strength, will… It’s hard to attain, but perhaps good things are worth struggling for. Work hard and life will be fruitful.

I’m not saying that I know this to be true. But it’s something that I hope is true. The other option seems all too easy, all too worthless. I guess we all must invite the chaos and keep reaching for things just out of our reach.

A Series of Infinite Happenings

EVERYTHING has led up to this moment. The mountains moved, the earth turned, the stars exploded, and here I am. I’m sitting here, under an infinite mass of everything that has ever existed. It’s all above my head, all that is. It’s sometimes hard to believe that this moment has been pre-destined since the beginning of time. Since the Big Bang. Since the universe itself began. For this moment to happen, this one, an infinite things had to have occured. In a sense, we’re all connected, and anything and everything we do shapes each and every life. 

In life, from birth, you start moving towards this moment. From that first cry, to that first walk and talk. From that first fight to that first love, you move towards this moment. Everything you’ve ever done, all the people you’ve ever met, grazed by, made eye-contact with, it has all culminated, it has all added up… and the result? right now. This is it. You’ve been moving towards this moment forever. A series of infinite happenings must have occured for you to be here. right. now.

It’s astounding. I can’t help but revel in such an idea.

looking uP

honey. I’m here. I’m right here, standing bare-foot in sinking mud, my hands spread out and my head tilted back. The sun is bright, it’s burning white light. Everything is lit. I’m standing there, in sinking mud, my hands spread out, my tilted head, and my chest expanding and contracting with every inhale. Every deep, solid inhalation of clean air. I can breathe.

The mountains, the graphite mountains of gray, black, and white are shooting straight up, jaged and sharp. Shoot into a sea of blues. We’re here together, in this dusty sandbowl, looking uP

i’ll follow you back with the sun in your eyes

baby doll. you’ll be okay. look up, what do you see? stars.

cut the chatter. let it melt.

Ah. there it is.

it’s crystal clear, really. it’s in front of your beautiful, lovely face. crisp green and bright blue. cold wind.

it’s been there.

it’s there. breathe deep. clear. it’s so clear.

and what do i see? I see leaves, i see the glass surface, i see snow caps, pure white, i see blue mountains, i see spidery roots, i see you

it’s moments like these, when I know that it’s this. this. come into this, come.

it’s vast and it’s pure and it’s all i’ll ever need. it’s real and it’s alive and it’s there. it’s been there. simply.

night drops. dark blue and bright. the sky opens and there’s beauty. such wonder, a blanket of truth

be here.

my mind forgets, like a sepia photograph slowly turning white

Memory: intangibly forever. It’s really all we have in this life. When time speeds up and our lives slow down, all we are left with is a shallow collection of memories—it’s all we have, it’s the only proof of a life lived that counts. While the ability to trap time and space within our minds is utterly glorious, it is undeniably frustrating.

As I grow, as I age, I find that my memories from yesteryear are riddled with gaping holes, leaving shreds of random recollections. While they may not be random, while there may be some subconscious grave importance to the memories I still keep, I cannot help feeling disappointed in the inability to remember every single solitary moment.

My memories are sliced into pieces, spliced together, and strung along a string. Like a kindergarten art project, my memories are hole-punched. Euphoric memories are salvaged, while dull and negative memories are excised. They are snipped from the stream of remembrance, and discarded so carelessly. They fade away, like a sepia photograph slowly turning white.

My mind buries the bad. My mind forgets, consciously concealing.

I find myself remembering only certain things; I tie these recollections down with double knots, and think about them for weeks, months, and years. I never fatigue from grasping onto these memories with clenched fists, constantly dissecting them, mulling them over, trying to dive deeper, searching for… something true.

I hold on tightly, perhaps TOO tightly. And while I desperately cling to certain events, others are forgotten. They are shoved out, dumped like trash in a gutter. I find myself disappointed in the limitations of my mind. It is devastating to know that those memories are gone—those first memories of light and sound as a newborn, the memories of walking and talking for the first time, memories of a childhood—they are all slipping away. WHY! I want to hold onto my humanity. I want to remember and reflect and ponder and know EACH day of my life. Each and every single day that I lived, that I was in existence. WHY should I have to forget.

I don’t want to forget this life. I don’t want to forget what it meant to live, what it meant to grow and evolve. I don’t want to forget the progression. I don’t want to forget myself.



sweep away

there’s a spark

to start something new

something stirring inside

release, release

walk forward, barefoot

let the wind sweep past

open hands drop everything old

start anew. now.

I am, honestly and deeply, infatuated with the idea of you

I do this every time. I sit there, pining, imagining, concocting these wild fantasies in my head that you may, one day, just out of any ordinary day, notice me. See me. Look at me. Ponder about me. Think of me. Fantasize about me. I’d love it if you once, just once, looked at me with passion, with zeal, with ardor, with a longing.

When I see you pass me, when I see you walk by, my heart rate shoots. I literally feel my heart rate increase for a second, a minute palpitation, as if it has been shocked, as if electrodes jolted it. You have physiological effects on me. You face, it makes me melt, it makes me long. You smile, your boyish mannerisms, your gorgeous head of hair. I cant’ get enough. God damn.

But I’m not sure you see me. I sometimes catch you glimpse my way, sometimes see you looking at me from the corner of my eye. But I’m not sure you see me. I’ve longed for you, I’ve wanted you for much too long, and I want to let you go. I want to get rid of every feeling I have towards you, because they are useless. They are empty. They are meaningless, and most of all, they are too difficult to hold anymore. I am, honestly and deeply infatuated with the idea of you. I’ve created this God, this man, in my mind, this amazing and gorgeous man and I don’t think I know you, somehow I don’t think I ever will know you.

I want to let you go. I want to find a new man, a real man to fall in love with. A man who is amazing and handsome and sexy as hell, but more than anything, I want to be pursued, I want these feelings to be reciprocated. I want something new, fresh, and amazingly different than anything I’ve ever known.

But, over and over and over again, it seems that when you enter the room and when you gaze in my direction, my heart leaps, adrenaline pumps, and I fall more in love with this infatuation that I desperately want to become a reality.

tonight, tonight

Let’s be totally honest right now. RIGHT NOW I’m going to be totally honest with what I want. What I desperately want this year, in 2010, is… I mean how do I even verbalize it, how do I quantify it, how do I explain the inner tumultuous state of my mind. My mind tumbles and thunders, and spins and whirls. It flips and dives, it hopes and prays. My mind reaches, reaches, reaches, searching to grasp onto anything tangible, anything real, anything true. My mind reaches for truth. My mind.

I find myself looking at myself. In the mirror. I see that I’m now no longer that young child with bright eyes. I see life wearing on me, my physical self. I hate that this life, THIS life is wearing me down, slowly, slowly wearing me down- and for what? WHY? why should I be picked apart, and broken down, atom by atom. I shouldn’t, I won’t! I’ll resist, and I’ll struggle, and I’ll try to keep myself on point, I try to keep myself moving up, striding only up.

My mind reaches for an answer. My mind searches for what’s right, for what’s good. Actually. That’s false. My mind doesn’t reach for what’s right and what’s good, I mind reaches for what is. Oh what I’d give to know what is. What IS , right now, right here, in this very sentence, in this very line, in this very WORD, what IS. Maybe this doesn’t make any sense… I feel myself getting off track- I wanted to write about what I want, what my goals are, and who I plan to become in this year, THIS year of 2010.

I love 2010. I love saying it, I love writing it, I love the symmetry, I love it’s evenness, I love how it represents a new decade of life and time that has never graced the oceans and deserts, never touched this universe before. I love how 2010 is completely new and fresh. And in some odd way, I feel that with 2010, twenty-ten, (ahh that feels so good!) I can start afresh and anew too. Perhaps this is naive and sophomoric. After all, it’s just a number, it’s just a representation of this period in our lives, this moment. It’s just category, just a number that allows us to believe that we are somehow and someway moving forward. As if time is dragging us forward, whether we’d like it or not. Time tugs on, while we dig our boots into the mud, struggling to slow it down, desperately trying to hold on to what is familiar, to what we know.

I’d like to pick my feet up out of the mud and allow 2010 to fling me forward. Like a rag doll flung from a slingshot, whooshing past nonbelievers who can’t seem to unclench their hand from the rungs of past days, and past ways. I’d like to fling forward. Where I end up, I’m not so sure.

“Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave, without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe, believe!
That life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different.
Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright
Tonight, tonight”

-Smashing Pumpkins

Dark. Black. Possibility.

Sometimes I wrap my hands across my eyes and peer into the black. I see abyss. Dark. Black. Possibility.

I see what I could be. I envision something… different.

I see a little girl, frolicking on the dusty street in her faded dress and bare feet. I see a newborn baby, with soft pink eyes shut tight, dreaming of light and sound. I see a young man dropped to the ground with his head in his palms, broken. I see a child peeking around the corner, only to catch a glimpse of golden light pouring through glass windows. I see a woman running along the tides, thunder rumbles behind as her hair whips back in the wind.

I envision something… desperate, something forgotten

And what do I want?

I think I’m more hopeful. I think this summer has been great. Some flirtations, some adventures, some great conversations. I think there’s a lot that the future holds. I think that I’m beginning to know not only who I am, but what I can do. What I can achieve. What I want.

And what do I want?

I’ve said this before. I’ll say it again. I want love, I want life, I want a pure and sincere happiness that runs deep. I want adventure and surprise, I want to be better. I want to be STRONG, confident, powerful, and able. Able to choose, able to believe, able to aspire, able to achieve, able to reach, and able to grab.

I think I’ll get there. I think I’m getting there. To that point where I can finally be the best version of me, and offer that person to a world where acceptance is abundant and ambition flows.

I think I’m getting there. And while my road has had bumps, grooves, obstacles and u-turns, I’m getting somewhere. There are two directions, there has always been two directions: up and down.

I choose up.

For a moment the earth has slowed down, the mind settles, and all that matters are deep breaths of pure, cold air.

I imagine I’m sitting at a cafe, under an awning. It’s raining. It’s night. I’m just sitting there, breathing in that clean, crisp smell. The water falls on cobblestone roads, as the yellow streetlights reflect across the pavement.

It’s a quiet rain. A heavy mist.

It seems like everything is calm, for a moment. For a moment the earth has slowed down, the mind settles, and all that matters are deep breaths of pure, cold air.

eye-OPENing

you are the only you that the world will ever see

so be amazing

there are people out there waiting for you to be amazing

looking for love is lonely

I realized something today.

I want an simple life. With a few things: family, friends- lots of good and caring friends, happiness, and above all love. And I think that’s the one thing lacking here- love. And I think that a lot of people want love. It’s a human necessity really, and we feel incomplete without it. And I think I try to fix or shift the other parts of my life, trying to accomodate, trying to figure out some way to get love, find love, be in love.

I hate waiting…. it’s lonely…

dusty footprints are swept away

I think about those common people, who have been swept away with the wind. Those who have died, those who have loved, those who have lived greatly, those who were. I think about those people who used to be living, and now exist only in the wind. While they tried, desperately, to put their footprints on early terrain, while they tried to create lasting impressions, to make differences, to be remembered.. they were forgotten. And to no one’s fault… they were forgotten because that’s what happens…….and that’s what always will happen… people forget, memories fade fast, and dusty footprints are swept away by the breeze.

I wonder if that’ll happen to me. I know inevitably it will. I know that everyone I know and everyone I will ever know will fade away with me, when I’m gone. I know it will happen. It’s an eerie feeling, and a spooky thought. While I have lived, and while I am trying to do good and great things…I will fade… along with all that I know, and all that I’ve done. In some sense, one must ponder, then what’s the point. Why even try? Because in the end, everything breaks, and people forget… but I think it matters. If not to anyone else, actually… to no one else, it still matters. To you. You will remember, and you will have lived, and loved, and done grand things… you will remember… even after being swept away… I hope………. I hope I will remember

I am not alone. and I love that.

I feel BRIGHT and WARM. Inside my smile, inside my chest. I love this feeling of closeness, of connection, of relating. I feel like this, right HERE, this is reaching out.. what we do here is reaching out.. trying to grapple and grasp onto anything that we can relate to. WordPress- it allows us to attempt… attempt to find someone who we can relate to, people who we can feel with and feel close to. It’s about trying to reach out, and see how similar humanity truly is. And while we’re going through our own lives, and it may seem near impossible that there are others who are experiencing the same thing, I think this helps us see that it is near possible that there are. There are people just like me, just like you, just like them, who are having the same thoughts, same feelings, same emotions, same ideas, and while, in this ever-lonely world where human contact is dwindling, we are still reaching out- across oceans, trying to grapple and grasp someone who is the same. I love that.

You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself.

you know… it’s about a lot. and this might just be bullshit, but hey who knows, it might be true…

today, i just feel like writing, and i just feel like there might be someone listening. I feel like, if anything, I could be listening! I will listen. listen up self.

it’s about a lot. life, i mean. life’s about a lot, and it’s about realizing that life’s not short. LIFE IS LONG. Life is long, and hard, and beautiful, and tough, and crazy, and at the end, we may want more. I mean, quenching a thirst for life, I don’t think that even exists- you gotta want more and more, and at the end, you feel like wow, it’s done. life’s done? i mean…. really? how can that be? And i hope that once i get to that point, when I’m saying Wow, life’s done, and this is done, i hope that… well i hope that i had a great one. One that i can be happy with, and feel fulfilled. Not financially, or professionally, or superficially… but internally, and simply happy. content with what i’ve become. content with what has happened.

Life is long. and… while i fear a lot… i fear that everything won’t happen for me… i fear that i made mistakes.. i fear that i won’t have enough time… i have to believe that it will happen for me, and that while i have made mistakes, there is time and it will happen. it will come.

It will come. Will it come? I think we have to believe that it will. I think there is no other way to live. Because to live in fear, doubt, and frustration… well that’s no way to live. Oh sure, fleeting doubt and fear, it comes, but it should go. let it go.

Let it go. And hold onto hope, and believe that it will come. Because, if anything, trust in the fact that you have yourself, if nothing else, and if no one else, you have yourself. And that’s special. That’s unique, and undeniable. That’s remarkable, and no one can take that away from you, even after it’s all over. Even after death, you have yourself.

You have yourself. So have yourself. Be yourself. Be honest with yourself. Because in the  end, things break, people leave, and the world turns- and if there is nothing left, nothing at all, you have you. You have you, and that’s remarkable. So trust in yourself, trust in life, trust in promise, trust in the human condition, trust in you that: it’s about a lot, and while life is long, it will come. So let it go because you have yourself. Undeniably.

today i can

today I can stretch. today I can pull my hands up over my head and stretch- a good, long, nice stretch. today I can fall back into white pillows, softly smiling. today i can look through the blinds, and let the sun pour on my cheek. today I can breathe deep as my eyes flutter happily. today i can