Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for universe

11:18pm

Here we go. words. let’s do this. Currently listening to Cinematic Orchestra. Yes. I love this.

Well, I feel older, I feel wiser. Today, I feel comfort. I feel comfort in my skin, I feel confident. I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I feel wiser than I did before. I feel like I’m ready, I feel like I’m getting there. I am getting SOMEWHERE. Somewhere good, I hope, I aspire. Hmmm, this music is so loving, so simple. It is rich and full. I can sink into it.

I’m conflicted here. Ok, here I go, no holding back. I’m torn, between two men, both friends, both wonderful men, both strong, both attractive, both loving. One clearly communicates better than the other. Aye, no more of this nonsense. What shall be, will be. Let the wind take it. Let the world turn, let things fall into place, let things happen. It always turns out as it is supposed to. Always. Simply don’t interfere, simply live, and go, and go with your intuition, and it will happen. It always does. I love trusting in nature, trusting in life, letting go. let go. trust and let go. and nestle in the comfort that things will work out. They will. They will. They will. Sigh.

Hmmmm, what else. I want to be confident and sure. I want to be myself and I want to go after what I want. Stop thinking and start acting. Stop second guessing. Just go, just do. You can.

When I listen to this song, it brings me back to reality. It brings me home, it brings me to myself and connects me back to life, to mortality, to these fleeting days of our lives. It reminds me that things are just things, but we are people, and we find meaning in and with each other. We are people, and we must find shelter in others. It reminds me of the stars, it reminds me of this universe, of the millions of stars, of space, of time. Of the grandness that exists, of the grandness of this life. Of everything that we get to experience, by fortune, but perhaps it is just because of our nature. We get to experience this, these things, because we are human, because we received the fortune to be born, to be here. We get to see light, and colors, and perceive beauty, and feel love, and feel the wind, and look up, and dream. we get to dream. what fortune. we get to see life, and death, we get to grow old. We get to feel. We get to learn and experience and explore and venture and take risks. We get to do all these things. It IS amazing. It truly is. You must know this, you must realize what great fortune we live in. What we know, what we are, well that’s something great. That is something that you must reach for, reach out and hold it tight. Always recognize the beauty that surrounds you, including the beauty that is you. Always be in awe. Always stand back, with eyes open. With eyes wide open. Realize that the pettiness that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- petty, and small, and simply and oh-so-utterly unimportant. Realize that the grandiose that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- grandiose, and wonderful, and amazing. Just… please… always realize, always remember, to stand back, with eyes wide open.

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plant a tree

Someone once told me that the best time to plant a tree is… 25 years ago. The second best time to plant a tree… is today. These simple words represent such a complex idea, a duality of emotions that I grapple to embody. On one hand, we all have regret. We ponder, we sit upon, we dwell on the past… thinking and thinking about what I should have done, what I could have said, how I would have done differently… 25 years ago… if only… We hold grief, we hold sadness, disappointment, anger, etc, etc, about a missed opportunity.

And on the other hand, we all have the small flicker inside, a tiny urge to make a change right now. To swallow that fear, and face it today. Right now. Take the plunge, and don’t look back. Gamble, and risk it all. Just do it. Just say yes.

I find myself all too often living in the past, wondering, pondering. Reflecting about how the combination of my choices and miscellaneous happenings throughout a lifetime has led me to this point. I think it’s important to acknowledge the past. It’s important to express and acknowledge the grief of a lost time, countless lost moments which could have led to… who knows where. But it’s equally, and I mean equally, important to live now. Build up the courage, and give yourself a little shove. Make the decision to plant that tree today, give yourself a little shove…. smiling and quivering, take the leap and find happiness in your decision to take the risk

instinct from deep within

we grow from perfection. perfect eyes, perfect skin, perfect souls. we enter the world with total innocence that begins to fade the moment we take that first gasp. that first scream. that first wailing cry. evolution begins to creep out. out of our DNA. millions of years of evolution begins to take complete control. it dictates our first step, our first words. it dictates absolutely everything. instinct, from deep within. from deep inside. instinct that has been developing since the very first life, and the very first death. life and death, for millions of years. Breeding instinct, breeding what we are today. we start innocent, but we grow like seeds soaked in history, predetermined from the beginning of time. oh don’t be so naive– you have no control. everything that you are has been written since the beginning of time. you are simply fulfilling some master plan, preset well before the formation of your very own conciousness. animals simply breeding evolution for a future race, a means with no end in sight.

days dwindle and time prospers without you

As I’m hummingMatchbox 20  to myself, as I am oo-ing to myself, I’m thinking why. Why, and always why why why. Music is amazing to me, so so wonderful, it’s painting with the mind. Singing too, it’s gorgeous, it’s complex with all the minor, miniscule intonations. While I’m listening, I try to dissect–I try and pick out the little switches, changes, flips and dips. I try to figure out how the artist changes her/his voice, how these split-second decisions are made. When I listen to an amazing singer, an amazing, classic, heart-stopping, heart-throbbing, one-of-a-kind, stop you in your tracks kind of song, I must listen to it again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I listen and I learn, I try and observe every aspect, every angle, every dip and every flip. Sometimes, I can listen, and I can close my eyes, and paint in my mind. With a broad paintbrush, dipped in red paint, sometimes green, sometimes teal, I paint. It’s surreal, it’s luxurious, it’s beautiful. I can make art in my mind while I listen to the music, it flows.

Inspiration for art. It comes from music, it comes from life, it comes a lot. Sometimes, I can come across a thought, I can come across a scene in my life, and I can imagine it as art. Like a movie scene. A snapshot. I see something new.

I see a movie theather, with couples and singles scattered about. All facing a bright screen, black heads block some light from your vantage point.  I see myself in the middle of the theater, surrounded by strangers, all watching the same film, the same fate. I mean, can you imagine, seeing your life on the big screen? The first scene: your birth, you- a screaming baby enters the world with no warning, with no idea. none. Then you see your childhood, you see your transformation, you see development, you see your parents, your siblings. You see yourself starting to categorize the world, you start to learn judgement, you start to percieve, you start to realize your own thoughts, unique to the world. Then fast forward, you get taller, you get older, you age and you attain awareness with each passing year. There goes your teens, 20s, 30s, 40s. Can you imagine? Seeing past today, into the future. You see yourself as you will be. All the more scary and exciting…. could you imagine knowing one’s fate in this moment. Knowing where life goes, where you go. Knowing everything that will ever happen, right now, on the big screen, surrounded by my myriad strangers. You see yourself go gray, you see yourself age. Surreal to think about…. I mean, right now, that future doesn’t exist. It never happened, so it never will? Oh sure, every human goes through it, aging, but it’s singular. It’s unique and it’s belongs to oneself. I think experiences are unique, and while we see others go through them, their uniqueness, thier singularity is never tarnished. Childbirth, oh sure we know what happens, every detail, every moment. But, to experience that, well, that is unique. That is something special, and something that belongs to only a few. Death. That too is ultimately unique to every person, every life. Oh sure, we see people die, we see….people die. People die. But, to experience death, to experience, first-hand, it’s indescribable, it cannot be shared….And back to our featured film. You see yourself age, go gray and grow elder. Days dwindles and time prospers without you. Will you be remembered? Will your life, so unique and special, so wonderfully delicate, so singular in this booming universe, will it cause an echo? An impression? Will anyone even notice when you fade away? Oh man, I can’t touch that. I can’t go there, I can’t imagine that. I can’t. I can’t see that. I can’t. I can’t imagine bright lights going black.

Life. It’s a big word.

Where does my body end and the world begin? There’s 7 billion people. I’m breathing, watching my chest rise and fall, rise and fall. I’m taking in air, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale deep. There’s 7 billion people breathing, their chests rise and fall, rise and fall. Some for the first time, some for the last time. Breath.

I think we learn from everything we do. I think there’s a inherent and basic thirst to treat every experience as important. Learn from what we do, learn from where we walk, learn from what we see, learn from where we stand. I think by absorbing everything around us and taking in every solitary moment and vision and feeling, we learn. We are learning about this earth, that seems to be a part of us, and us a part of it. It’s where we stemmed from. This gorgeous being, this special place in the universe perfectly place between the stars. And somehow we ended up here. Infinite chances that it wouldn’t be so. Infinite reasons for it not to be so. But, you only need one- one chance to be.

Are we really that special, that unique, that stellar? That we were given the chance- random or not, it does not matter. Out of all the potential people, out of all the potential possibilities, we came here. We started here, in this time and place. We were born from the stars, perhaps from infinite happenings, perhaps from absolutely nothing but chance. One single chance brought life, brought this reality to be. Is that crazy? Perhaps for our simple mammalian minds, but perhaps it’s the truth.

We live with the veil of immortality. An ignorance of where we are, of where we’re going. Speeding through space, our earth, our planet, breeding life endlessly and breathing endlessly.

I think unquenchable curiousity drives us. It’s that underlying question, that inkling, that place that the wandering mind goes. You crave to learn about everything around you because subliminally, in the deepest reaches of the mind, you realize that all that you know and all that you are is completely undefinable. I think we live in awe, and rather than sitting around stupefied by the vastness of the universe and a single atom, we keep moving. Constantly jumping from task to task, relationship to relationship as if that’s all that matters. I’m here to say that THAT is trivial. Can’t you see? This sense of need for accomplishment, need for love, need to be fulfilled, need to work hard and stand up for what’s right. What does it all matter? We’re simply, oh so simply, scurrying across this ball of mud we call home. Forgive me for calling this pristine place, this magical pinpoint in space a ball of mud, but it is. It makes me so furious, and partly ashamed because I partake in it as well, in the fact that we forget. Each and everyday we fall prey to a natural, animalistic need. We fall prey to what we think is right and what we think is good. We subject ourselves to what we know, what society has been saying for centuries. We accept and we go. We search for love, for acceptance, for entertainment. It’s all so so trivial, so small.

Look up, dream big and then bigger than that. Our primary concerns, well they have to be bigger than that. What else is there? Perhaps I’m asking big questions, perhaps the biggest questions. But those are the only questions that count, the only ones that are worth pondering about.

Life. It’s a big word. It attempts to contain a lot. I mean a lot. Perhaps it attempts to contain the uncontainable. Life is everything. No, not just the breathing, it’s everything. Because we came from it all, we came from stardust, from a flicker in space, from chance. Life is just as uncontainable as the universe itself, perhaps more so. And to ask what the meaning of life is, well that’s like asking what the meaning of everything is. And, I think that’s what is what drives underlying curiousity. We all have it, we all know that in the dark corners of the mind, there’s a question unanswered.

I mean is it useless to think about? Is it endless and therefore pointless?

I believe, with every fiber in me, that this is the only thing that matters. The only thing that should and does matter. Truly. Deeply. Life, while we may never know where it began, or how we came to be, or why, that’s the only thing that drives the concious mind. Trying to wrap one’s mind around reality, trying to contain the undeniably uncontainable. It’s exhausting and glorious.