Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for uplift

I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

Stream of thoughts, no filter

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a stream of thoughts, completely unhindered, while I listened to a song.. a song that I connect to, a song that pulls at my heartstrings. Right now, I’m listening to The Cinematic Orchestra “To Build a Home.” Let the ramblings begin. This may get heavy. And tears may come. Ok here I go:

What, what do I feel, right now. I feel old, I feel tired. I feel like everything is connected and that things are moving way to fast. I see them, I see the others who have more, who have people. They have their people, their loved ones, their husbands, their lovers. I want that so much, I want that desperately. Sometimes a little too desperately, perhaps. I hate when I try to tell myself my emotions are wrong, that they aren’t supposed to be this way, that I am not meeting society’s expectations of how I should feel or how I should act. You know this is all new to me too… life, love, dating, finding a mate. Ah, this occupies my mind so much> I wonder who I am going to end up with, what my life will look like, I wonder who I will spend the rest of my days with. I can see our house, beautiful, built, warm and inviting. I see our children, I see the love that we have, that we grew, that we fostered and protected. I know that this is precious and I know that this is what I want, so badly. It’s all I want, it’s the only thing that matters. My career, no, that is nothing compared to love, to having a spouse, to having a family. I want love. Period. Period. I want love and I want true love, lasting love, deep love, I want passionate love, I want fire. I wonder, at times, whne I will get that love, if I will get that love… I hate that I doubt it, I hate that I think it may not happen, because that simply cannot be an option… and once I think that may be an option, then, well, then that simply breaks my heart. I wouldn’t know what to do… I would be stuck, I would be so stuck. And I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling like I’m not moving forward. It’s so important in life to move forward, to get things, to go after things, to grow and breathe and become and continually strive to be better and stronger. That’s what I’m trying to do, constantly trying to become smarter, achieve more, become strong physically too, exercising always, I am trying to become a better version of who I was yesterday, and they month before and the year before. I am trying to grow up, I am trying to become a woman, I am trying to develop the traits and characteristics that will make me powerful and successful and an ideal mate and an ideal mother. I am constantly trying. It’s exhausting.. this is exhausting just writing about it.

Sigh, deep breath. What do I want to say. I want to say that I feel like in the love world I’m not moving. He, my latest crush, the man that I was deeply infatuated with, well he didn’t choose me. And, it hurt a lot. More that I expected, more than I thought it would. I was affected deeply by him, surprisingly. But, I think it was good, in a way, to know that I have these emotions, that I’m capable of wanting someone SO much, that I’m capable of feeling such sorrow and being heartbroken. I recall a quote that I read once, and I hope it to be true.. it went something like, while you may have loved deeply the wrong person, but imagine how much you will love the right one. I know I am capable of love, a lot of love, and I think much more love than I gave this ex-crush. I gave him love I think, I saw us together, in each others arms. I saw us. It was very hard to let it go, and it still is hard to think about it. To think about him with another girl. But, I need to tell myself and I need to believe and I need to understand the truth of the situation. He simply didn’t see us. He didn’t see me in his life like I saw him in mine. And while unfortunate for me, that’s that. Ah. Yes, that is that. And, I want someone who can see me in their life. I want someone who cannot imagine their life without me. I want someone to feel that deep, aching love for me, that love that cannot be ignored or denied. I want someone to truly love me so deeply that they would do anything for me and for our family, for our children. That’s what I know I need, and I know that I cannot settle for anything less that real love. real love. Not superficial. Real. I want this love… I want it….

How do I get it? Do I keep trying to be the best person I can be? Do continue to work, exercise, eat right, study hard? I think I continue to be the best person I can be. To strive, to want the best for myself because I love myself. I do. I love myself to treat it well, to give it what it needs, to nourish my body and exercise my heart. I know that’s important. I will continue to try to be the best person I can be for myself, and hope that someone will take notice… perhaps at a cafe, perhaps… I wonder where it will happen, where I will meet him. I wonder what that moment will be like. Or, I shouldn’t exclude the possibility that I’ve already met him… Hm, so many thoughts, questions… but for now, I will try to be good. And let the ever-exhausting questions, self-doubt, etc etc rest for some time. I know they will be there, they will be in the back of my mind. Questions of self-worth, of being worthy of love, of deserving something so wonderful and so precious as a marriage and a family. Being gifted the opportunity to have children of my own… There are so many questions, but there is still time. For now, there is time. So rest, rest these thoughts and continue to be good. Be open and be honest.

A certain kind of love

I need a certain kind of love. I need a deep love, full of passion and ardor, full of fire. I need a patient love, a quiet love that comes with acceptance and understanding. I need a strong love, that will wrap me up in its strong arms when I simply cannot hold myself up. I need a whimsical love, full of banter and wit, full of laughter. I need a tough love that will force me to grow and become, a love that will call me out on my bullshit. I need a lasting love, that will stay and persist for days, weeks, months, years, and lifetimes. I need a cherished love, one that must be nurtured and cared for by both, every single day. I need an overwhelming and all-consuming love, a love that I breathe in and out with every breath, a love that is a part of my being, a love that that cannot be denied or replaced, a love that is absolutely and unequivocally everything. I need this love, like I need this life.

I am lost, in our rainbow

“I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,Overcast, by your shadow, as our worlds move on,

But in this shirt, I can be you, to be near you for a while,

There’s a crane, knocking down all those things, that we were,

I awake, in the night, to hear the engines purr,

There’s a pain, it does ripple through my frame, makes me lame,

There’s a thorn, in my side, it’s the shame, it’s the pride…

Of you and me, ever changing, moving on now, moving fast,

And his touch, must be wanted, must become, through your ask,

But I need Jake to tell you, that I love you, it never rests,

And I’ve bled every day now, for a year, for a year,

I did send you a note on the wind for to read….

… Our names there together must have fallen like a seed…

… To the depths of the soil buried deep in the ground,

On the wind, I could hear you, call my name, held the sounds,

I am lost,

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,

I am lost.

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,Overcast, by your shadow, as our worlds move on,

But in this shirt, I can be you, to be near you for a while,

There’s a crane, knocking down all those things, that we were,

I awake, in the night, to hear the engines purr,

There’s a pain, it does ripple through my frame, makes me lame,

There’s a thorn, in my side, it’s the shame, it’s the pride…

Of you and me, ever changing, moving on now, moving fast,

And his touch, must be wanted, must become, through your ask,

But I need Jake to tell you, that I love you, it never rests,

And I’ve bled every day now, for a year, for a year,

I did send you a note on the wind for to read….

… Our names there together must have fallen like a seed…

… To the depths of the soil buried deep in the ground,

On the wind, I could hear you, call my name, held the sounds,

I am lost,

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,

I am lost, in our rainbow, now our rainbow has gone,

I am lost.”

-The Irrepressibles

this is why we fight

Come the war
Come the avarice
Come the war
Come hell

Come attrition
Come the reek of bones
Come attrition
Come hell

This is why
Why we fight
Why we lie awake
And this is why
This is why we fight

When we die
We will die
With our arms unbound

And this is why
This is why
Why we fight
Come hell

Bride of quiet
Bride of all unquiet things
Bride of quiet
Bride of hell

Come the archers
Come the infantry
Come the archers
Of hell

This is why
Why we fight
Why we lie awake
This is why
This is why we fight

And when we die
We will die
With our arms unbound
And this is why
This is why we fight
Come hell
Come hell

This is why
Why we fight
Why we lie awake
This is why
This is why we fight

When we die
We will die with our arms unbound
And this is why
This is why we fight

So come to me
Come to me now
Lay your arms around me
And this is why
This is why
We fight
Come hell
Come hell
Come hell
Come hell

-The Decemberists

Life. It’s a big word.

Where does my body end and the world begin? There’s 7 billion people. I’m breathing, watching my chest rise and fall, rise and fall. I’m taking in air, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale deep. There’s 7 billion people breathing, their chests rise and fall, rise and fall. Some for the first time, some for the last time. Breath.

I think we learn from everything we do. I think there’s a inherent and basic thirst to treat every experience as important. Learn from what we do, learn from where we walk, learn from what we see, learn from where we stand. I think by absorbing everything around us and taking in every solitary moment and vision and feeling, we learn. We are learning about this earth, that seems to be a part of us, and us a part of it. It’s where we stemmed from. This gorgeous being, this special place in the universe perfectly place between the stars. And somehow we ended up here. Infinite chances that it wouldn’t be so. Infinite reasons for it not to be so. But, you only need one- one chance to be.

Are we really that special, that unique, that stellar? That we were given the chance- random or not, it does not matter. Out of all the potential people, out of all the potential possibilities, we came here. We started here, in this time and place. We were born from the stars, perhaps from infinite happenings, perhaps from absolutely nothing but chance. One single chance brought life, brought this reality to be. Is that crazy? Perhaps for our simple mammalian minds, but perhaps it’s the truth.

We live with the veil of immortality. An ignorance of where we are, of where we’re going. Speeding through space, our earth, our planet, breeding life endlessly and breathing endlessly.

I think unquenchable curiousity drives us. It’s that underlying question, that inkling, that place that the wandering mind goes. You crave to learn about everything around you because subliminally, in the deepest reaches of the mind, you realize that all that you know and all that you are is completely undefinable. I think we live in awe, and rather than sitting around stupefied by the vastness of the universe and a single atom, we keep moving. Constantly jumping from task to task, relationship to relationship as if that’s all that matters. I’m here to say that THAT is trivial. Can’t you see? This sense of need for accomplishment, need for love, need to be fulfilled, need to work hard and stand up for what’s right. What does it all matter? We’re simply, oh so simply, scurrying across this ball of mud we call home. Forgive me for calling this pristine place, this magical pinpoint in space a ball of mud, but it is. It makes me so furious, and partly ashamed because I partake in it as well, in the fact that we forget. Each and everyday we fall prey to a natural, animalistic need. We fall prey to what we think is right and what we think is good. We subject ourselves to what we know, what society has been saying for centuries. We accept and we go. We search for love, for acceptance, for entertainment. It’s all so so trivial, so small.

Look up, dream big and then bigger than that. Our primary concerns, well they have to be bigger than that. What else is there? Perhaps I’m asking big questions, perhaps the biggest questions. But those are the only questions that count, the only ones that are worth pondering about.

Life. It’s a big word. It attempts to contain a lot. I mean a lot. Perhaps it attempts to contain the uncontainable. Life is everything. No, not just the breathing, it’s everything. Because we came from it all, we came from stardust, from a flicker in space, from chance. Life is just as uncontainable as the universe itself, perhaps more so. And to ask what the meaning of life is, well that’s like asking what the meaning of everything is. And, I think that’s what is what drives underlying curiousity. We all have it, we all know that in the dark corners of the mind, there’s a question unanswered.

I mean is it useless to think about? Is it endless and therefore pointless?

I believe, with every fiber in me, that this is the only thing that matters. The only thing that should and does matter. Truly. Deeply. Life, while we may never know where it began, or how we came to be, or why, that’s the only thing that drives the concious mind. Trying to wrap one’s mind around reality, trying to contain the undeniably uncontainable. It’s exhausting and glorious.

sun and grass and wind

The drums are beating. Take a deep breath and exhale. Look up and see the sun. The great ball of fiery wrath. Or beauty. Whatever you’d like, really. Feel the grass, green blades bright, towering over tiny dirt specs. There’s the wind, whipping your hair, natural air into your nostrils.