Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for Water

Do ugly people find love?

I want to be in love! I love the idea of a boyfriend, of dating, of connecting with someone romantically… I so want it! SO BAD! It seems like everyone around me seems to find guys easily, as if it happens daily, no effort needed, it just happens. Seriously, it just happens for people! I don’t know how… maybe there is some truth in the idea of destiny, but destiny has left me in the dust as you can probably guess by now! Those people who find their soulmates on the subway, or waiting in line at Starbucks! I want that! That would be great, I’m so open to meeting someone randomly, and making a great connection. But, as it happens, it doesn’t. Maybe I’m too shy, too introverted, not confident enough… Maybe it’s hard for me because my self-esteem is pretty low…

 

Please understand, I’m not saying I want gorgeous men! Model types, who have abs and perfect teeth. I want a caring, funny, and just all-around great guy. In my past… well, there’s just not much boy-attention that I can recall… the only major thing that’s happened was when I went to the Dominican Republic, met a guy, we liked each other, we hung out and flirted, but that’s it. I left, and I’m sure he’s moved on!, Other than that, I have had crushes since elementary school… on SO many guys, too many to count! Ha. I guess had better luck in my younger days than now… I find that very sad…

 

 I crave so much more, I really want to find someone great. I don’t know how girls do it—those girls who have boyfriends constantly—they seem to fall in their laps.. And I’m not talking about gorgeous girls, but normal girls who have boys, a lot of boys… One of my great friends has had so many guys, has slept with guys both young and old, and has found her soulmate—did I mention we’re the same age?! She’s so lucky, and I’m really jealous of her for that… Maybe it’s my personality, I’ve really changed, and gotten so self-conscious, probably because of the lack of attention from guys. I am always trying to slim down, making myself think that I’ll be more beautiful, confident and outgoing if I’m comfortable with my body. That I’ll be happier once I lose weight, I’ll have more friends, and meet more people… I know it’s all about attitude, but it’s getting harder and harder to make genuine connections with people. I’ve gotten shy, self-conscious, depressed from lack of lovin’ and attention.

 

So it’s summer now. Lack of excitement, of different people, of LIVING… this summer is seriously sucking! I feel uninspired to do and  to go out,.. It breaks my heart, and this is what I hope to avoid—spending one day of my life wasted.. I seem to be doing that a lot these days… I think about food/calories way too much… and try to go to the gym as often as I can… I have this theory that if I live it right, if I live life right—with confidence, self-esteem, power, awareness, presence, knowledge… etc. then good things WILL happen to me. I’ve heard that when you decide and open yourself to love, love finds you… And so I have to try, step out of my comfort zone (a stifling and suffering little suffocation box of a zone) and really try. I need to realize that every day, the people I meet and the things I can CHOOSE to do will never come back; that if I don’t act, all I’ll be left with is a big ‘ol bucket of regret. I need to take advantage of the people around me, and the people I meet. Above all, I truly desire finding someone… finding LOVE asap! I’ve made this my new goal… so far, no luck.

 

(Oh- and to all the guys who are reading this! Please know, that shy and not-so-pretty girls also crave attention from you all just as much as the gorgeous bombshell model types. Most girls like to be pursued (like me), so guys, be BOLD, and ask us OUT!)

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while and I’m still trying to figure things out… still trying to find love, still searching for myself, still hoping to stand confident…

I love these lyrics:

“I used to rule the world 

Seas would rise when I gave the word 
Now in the morning I sleep alone 
Sweep the streets I used to own… 

It was the wicked and wild win 
Blew down the doors to let me in 
Shattered windows and the sound of drums 
People couldn’t believe what I’d become…”

-Viva la Vida, Coldplay

pour me out

I’m looking for something real. just…

open my eyes. I cry because I can’t

don’t cry for tomorrow

Unclench…slowly open. Because when that weathered heart opens, when that crumpled spirit begins to pulse, Oh, the world opens. It’s like a high. As if the universe begins to allign–for you, time smiles and for the first time, you realize this life, THIS life, is the only chance you’ve got to break, to scream, to hate, to cry, to breath, to love, to open, to realize, to be.

Make it what you may, but make it quick. Quick steps, it shall end soon, and this very moment decides–let it decide. Wash your hands and begin again. You can.

uh oh uh oh uh oh!?

What do I say, I still feel like I’m really really good at pretending. Uh oh uh oh uh oh!? I want to except, expect, and do the best. I don’t want to settle, for anything, anyone. I want to be so passionate to the point where others simply look at me like I’m insane. I want to find my thing. That thing I live for, that thing that, if I didn’t have and didn’t believe in and didn’t do, I would be simply and utterly ordinary. Wide-eyed, kneeling, looking up, and knowing! that the world is the way it is, will be the way it is. I’m sure of only a few things in my life and in this world. For me, solely me, and not you, I am almost completely sure that killing is wrong, that an awakened and heightened life is what I need to strive for, that this, here, is what I should be doing, and that I’m terrified of dying without meaning, knowing that meaning, oh my GOD, it’s what I totally strive for! For if I knew, hmm…what would be left? Maybe that’s the point…but I feel that living with that understanding would be indescribable, where every decision would be so right… I can’t even freaking imagine it!

 

The drums are beating,

My heart slowly beats along

My mind buzzes, cloudily and fuzzily

Timid wings, quivering fires, guilty bones

A borrowed self

 

Dry your eyes!

Watery Rejuvenation

The water slides down my closed eyes and curled eyelashes

The water drips down my nose

The water slips over the contours of my lips

My hands clamp over my ears and my fingers twist around my smooth wet hair.

I listen, I hear

I feel the darkness around me, I feel the warmth soak in, I feel rejuvenated

Pattering rain fills my ears, I return to thunderstorms

Lush plants soak up the droplets, water dances across their leaves and petals

Marbled gray and white streaked across the sky

Everything seems so raw

Earthy elements cleanse

All I can do is throw my arms wide, and peer above, allowing the coolness to overwhelm my senses

Allowing the water to fill my heart, my hands—I love that feeling