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I’ve known love once

I’ve known love once. I fell in love once. I don’t think I knew what was happening, because I had never known love before. He was beautiful, he was charming, he adored me. Slowly, we fell in love. And there were moments, those outer body moments, where it was like I was watching us, so in love, wanting that moment to last forever and wondering if everyone in this world has felt bliss like that. I wanted to live in that heaven for eternity, laughing, smiling and in utter bliss. We had such beautiful moments, full of passion, utterly real, two people completely vulnerable, honest, and wrapped up in each other. I loved the way in smelled, the way he felt- his skin, his hair, his jaw, I loved the way my eyes met his. He showed me himself, he gave me everything. Needless to say, that when it ended, it was like a sucker-punch to the stomach, the wind was knocked out me, I saw my utopia disintegrate in front of my eyes, my heaven shattered. And in a split second, he was gone. I found myself alone, without my lover, my best friend, my person. I’ve never felt such pain, such distress, such confusion, such longing, such loss, such sorrow. It was like a death. I couldn’t understand, I couldn’t fathom how a love like that could fall, break, dissolve, disappear…. simply end. I don’t think I understand it fully, even to this day…. I don’t know if I ever will, but maybe that is because I was only half of it, half of us. But also, I don’t think any answer or reasoning will ever satisfy my deep sorrow for why it ended. Why our love wasn’t enough, why we couldn’t make it work. Still, I think I have gained some understanding, some closure, some peace because in my heart and in my mind, I know it wasn’t right, I know that if I went back it would have been settling, it would have been dishonest, it would have been cowardly, it would have been out of fear of being alone. So, there are two things I now know for sure: we were deeply in love and we should not be together.

Do I regret falling in love now knowing the gut-wrenching pain that followed when it ended? No, I don’t. I would never and could never regret that. Because now I have known what love is, what it feels like to love someone so deeply, and to be loved by someone so deeply. It’s like nothing else I’ve known. That gives me hope, that gives me excitement that there is even more to discover. It seemed like and still seems like finding love is like hoping for lightening to strike you. It seems like such a beautiful, awe-inspiring, and amazing thing like love would be such a rarity, that to be able to discover it again may be every so close to impossible, but I’ll take that odds. I, right here and now, take those odds, I bet on myself, I bet on love. Always bet on love. I’m better for the experience, I am more knowledgable and more understanding of what’s out there, and I’m even more excited and eager to discover what I have yet to know or experience. As I peer out towards the future, the unknown excites me, who I will become excites me, and who I will come to know excites me. I’m not waiting for love, I’m not putting my life, my aspirations, my dreams on hold, but I’m hopeful. Hopeful that I will find another love that is deeper, truer, and more enlightening than my last. I sit here, at peace, happy and ever so hopeful.

What is it?

What is it about a man?

Is it his eyes, that pierce straight into yours, beautiful blues and greens. Is it his smile? That genuine smile that crinkles the corners of his eyes. Is it his jaw? Strong, firm and covered in soft facial hair. Is it his shoulders? His arms? His hands? That pull you in and hold you tight at night, that pick you up and twirl you around, that wipe away the tears from your eyes. Is it his chest? The most heavenly place to rest your head and allow your mind to wander as you feel each and every lub dub. Is it his legs? Long, lean, powerful and able to run beside you. Is it his smell? So intoxicating, it smells of home, of familiarity. It’s a smell that comforts, that reminds you in an instant of the essence of him. Is it his mind? Utterly complex. A mind that knows the world but remains untarnished and unjaded, a mind that is humble and kind, patient and loving, giving and truthful.

What is it about a man?

Stream of thoughts, no filter

It’s been a while since I’ve posted a stream of thoughts, completely unhindered, while I listened to a song.. a song that I connect to, a song that pulls at my heartstrings. Right now, I’m listening to The Cinematic Orchestra “To Build a Home.” Let the ramblings begin. This may get heavy. And tears may come. Ok here I go:

What, what do I feel, right now. I feel old, I feel tired. I feel like everything is connected and that things are moving way to fast. I see them, I see the others who have more, who have people. They have their people, their loved ones, their husbands, their lovers. I want that so much, I want that desperately. Sometimes a little too desperately, perhaps. I hate when I try to tell myself my emotions are wrong, that they aren’t supposed to be this way, that I am not meeting society’s expectations of how I should feel or how I should act. You know this is all new to me too… life, love, dating, finding a mate. Ah, this occupies my mind so much> I wonder who I am going to end up with, what my life will look like, I wonder who I will spend the rest of my days with. I can see our house, beautiful, built, warm and inviting. I see our children, I see the love that we have, that we grew, that we fostered and protected. I know that this is precious and I know that this is what I want, so badly. It’s all I want, it’s the only thing that matters. My career, no, that is nothing compared to love, to having a spouse, to having a family. I want love. Period. Period. I want love and I want true love, lasting love, deep love, I want passionate love, I want fire. I wonder, at times, whne I will get that love, if I will get that love… I hate that I doubt it, I hate that I think it may not happen, because that simply cannot be an option… and once I think that may be an option, then, well, then that simply breaks my heart. I wouldn’t know what to do… I would be stuck, I would be so stuck. And I hate feeling stuck. I hate feeling like I’m not moving forward. It’s so important in life to move forward, to get things, to go after things, to grow and breathe and become and continually strive to be better and stronger. That’s what I’m trying to do, constantly trying to become smarter, achieve more, become strong physically too, exercising always, I am trying to become a better version of who I was yesterday, and they month before and the year before. I am trying to grow up, I am trying to become a woman, I am trying to develop the traits and characteristics that will make me powerful and successful and an ideal mate and an ideal mother. I am constantly trying. It’s exhausting.. this is exhausting just writing about it.

Sigh, deep breath. What do I want to say. I want to say that I feel like in the love world I’m not moving. He, my latest crush, the man that I was deeply infatuated with, well he didn’t choose me. And, it hurt a lot. More that I expected, more than I thought it would. I was affected deeply by him, surprisingly. But, I think it was good, in a way, to know that I have these emotions, that I’m capable of wanting someone SO much, that I’m capable of feeling such sorrow and being heartbroken. I recall a quote that I read once, and I hope it to be true.. it went something like, while you may have loved deeply the wrong person, but imagine how much you will love the right one. I know I am capable of love, a lot of love, and I think much more love than I gave this ex-crush. I gave him love I think, I saw us together, in each others arms. I saw us. It was very hard to let it go, and it still is hard to think about it. To think about him with another girl. But, I need to tell myself and I need to believe and I need to understand the truth of the situation. He simply didn’t see us. He didn’t see me in his life like I saw him in mine. And while unfortunate for me, that’s that. Ah. Yes, that is that. And, I want someone who can see me in their life. I want someone who cannot imagine their life without me. I want someone to feel that deep, aching love for me, that love that cannot be ignored or denied. I want someone to truly love me so deeply that they would do anything for me and for our family, for our children. That’s what I know I need, and I know that I cannot settle for anything less that real love. real love. Not superficial. Real. I want this love… I want it….

How do I get it? Do I keep trying to be the best person I can be? Do continue to work, exercise, eat right, study hard? I think I continue to be the best person I can be. To strive, to want the best for myself because I love myself. I do. I love myself to treat it well, to give it what it needs, to nourish my body and exercise my heart. I know that’s important. I will continue to try to be the best person I can be for myself, and hope that someone will take notice… perhaps at a cafe, perhaps… I wonder where it will happen, where I will meet him. I wonder what that moment will be like. Or, I shouldn’t exclude the possibility that I’ve already met him… Hm, so many thoughts, questions… but for now, I will try to be good. And let the ever-exhausting questions, self-doubt, etc etc rest for some time. I know they will be there, they will be in the back of my mind. Questions of self-worth, of being worthy of love, of deserving something so wonderful and so precious as a marriage and a family. Being gifted the opportunity to have children of my own… There are so many questions, but there is still time. For now, there is time. So rest, rest these thoughts and continue to be good. Be open and be honest.

Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley

You can feel the music, you can feel the love in the notes. You can feel his heart, his passion, with each pluck of the strings. It stirs something inside of you, the way he plays so freely, so uninhibited. It’s beautiful. No expectations, no judgements, just music that seems so effortless, so easy.

 

Hallelujah

I close my eyes, I feel my breath. I feel my chest rise and fall, my heart beats calmly. I listen to the melody, I bask in the beauty. I see the ocean, I see the sky and the clouds. I see the waves roll in, blue water washing ashore. I feel the sun, warm and strong. I feel it in my bones. I feel connected, I feel in place, I feel a part. All is right with the world, in this moment, all is right. I peer out, as far as the eye can see, nothing but blue skies and ocean stretching across the horizon. And in this moment, that’s all there is. Hallelujah

11:18pm

Here we go. words. let’s do this. Currently listening to Cinematic Orchestra. Yes. I love this.

Well, I feel older, I feel wiser. Today, I feel comfort. I feel comfort in my skin, I feel confident. I feel good. I feel better than I did before. I feel wiser than I did before. I feel like I’m ready, I feel like I’m getting there. I am getting SOMEWHERE. Somewhere good, I hope, I aspire. Hmmm, this music is so loving, so simple. It is rich and full. I can sink into it.

I’m conflicted here. Ok, here I go, no holding back. I’m torn, between two men, both friends, both wonderful men, both strong, both attractive, both loving. One clearly communicates better than the other. Aye, no more of this nonsense. What shall be, will be. Let the wind take it. Let the world turn, let things fall into place, let things happen. It always turns out as it is supposed to. Always. Simply don’t interfere, simply live, and go, and go with your intuition, and it will happen. It always does. I love trusting in nature, trusting in life, letting go. let go. trust and let go. and nestle in the comfort that things will work out. They will. They will. They will. Sigh.

Hmmmm, what else. I want to be confident and sure. I want to be myself and I want to go after what I want. Stop thinking and start acting. Stop second guessing. Just go, just do. You can.

When I listen to this song, it brings me back to reality. It brings me home, it brings me to myself and connects me back to life, to mortality, to these fleeting days of our lives. It reminds me that things are just things, but we are people, and we find meaning in and with each other. We are people, and we must find shelter in others. It reminds me of the stars, it reminds me of this universe, of the millions of stars, of space, of time. Of the grandness that exists, of the grandness of this life. Of everything that we get to experience, by fortune, but perhaps it is just because of our nature. We get to experience this, these things, because we are human, because we received the fortune to be born, to be here. We get to see light, and colors, and perceive beauty, and feel love, and feel the wind, and look up, and dream. we get to dream. what fortune. we get to see life, and death, we get to grow old. We get to feel. We get to learn and experience and explore and venture and take risks. We get to do all these things. It IS amazing. It truly is. You must know this, you must realize what great fortune we live in. What we know, what we are, well that’s something great. That is something that you must reach for, reach out and hold it tight. Always recognize the beauty that surrounds you, including the beauty that is you. Always be in awe. Always stand back, with eyes open. With eyes wide open. Realize that the pettiness that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- petty, and small, and simply and oh-so-utterly unimportant. Realize that the grandiose that surrounds us, that surrounds you, is just that- grandiose, and wonderful, and amazing. Just… please… always realize, always remember, to stand back, with eyes wide open.

I wish

I wish the best for you. Only the best. In life, you will experience good things and bad things, and sometimes great things. I wish you will relish in the good, bad, and the great.