Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for anger

No Flickering Flame

I don’t know what’s going on… I’m nervous! I don’t know what is going on! What should I do? WHAT should I do? I can’t seem to hear, I can’t hear what I need to…! My head throbs, and I feel unproductive, I feel STUCK… Stuck in sameness! I am nervous, I hear laughter, constant and annoying! I am stuck and I need to be outside! I need that contact with nature, I need that calm serene nature. When I look outside, I see a misty scene, where nothing is moving, everything still. Still. I need still… I think that would do some good. I feel ugly and average, I feel dusty and alone. I think my eyes need rest, I think I rest too often.

My throat is dry, my hands are clamped to my scalp, I am curled up in a ball. I think I’m going crazy… I wish. I think that normalcy is catching up to me, finally, suddenly. I think I am beginning to understand the dull, barrel of a world that I persist in. Hollow. I’m looking around. I’m looking around, trying to figure out what to do, what actions are necessary. I don’t like where I am. I am searching for a way out, escape, haven. I am looking for the wind, the sky. All I hear is laughter, constant and deafening, and the noise of the ordinary. I want to hear beauty. I wonder what that sounds like, I wonder because I don’t think I have ever heard it. I’m nervous, I’m stuck, I’m too much like the person I was, and not like the person I want and desperately need to be. I need a way out, I need to clear the path.

I’m flaring my nostrils, I am typing furiously, I am trying furiously to find a better way. I am so frustrated, I have bottled myself into a corner of mediocracy. I think I did this to myself, I think I did this years ago… when it was still possible to escape, I decided to follow stupidly, just like every other human being I knew. I don’t like where I am heading, I don’t

To be lost in my conciousness for a year or two would be blissful wonderment. To take a break from the life I, I created and punished myself with, what utopia. The saddest part of all of this, is that I can honestly and whole-heartedly say that I know, for a fact, I am not going to change any aspects of my life, I am going to continue my destined normalcy… And, I whole-heartedly wish this wasn’t so, I passionately wish that there was a flicker of hope. As of now, I see no flame.