Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for beauty

Ah.

Sometimes. Well sometimes I wonder. About the beauty. About the world around me. I look outside and I see the clouds, the blues the grays, the lavenders. It’s easy, you see, to forget the wonder that we live in. That we are submerged in. That we revel in. That we live our daily lives in. It’s the wonder and the beauty that exists only here. Only now. Right now. You are seeing it right now.

Ah.

Yes, right now, in this moment in time and in space, you are here witnessing beauty. Experiencing life. Feeling love. Your eyes are taking in the world around you, your eyes can see such beauty, such colors, such majesty, the mountains, the oceans, the misty rain forests, the sunrises and sunsets, as they zip by day after day. Each day presents itself to you.

Pause, and take a look.

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Here’s what I deserve

Actually no. It’s not what I deserve. And I don’t think anyone deserves this. I think you’re just lucky… I think you have to be lucky to find love. To find someone compatible. To find someone else who complements you in the best ways. So here’s what I’m hopeful for: 

I hope to find someone wonderful. Someone passionate and kind. Someone family oriented. Someone who works hard, for not just himself, but the both of us. I hope to find someone who is handsome, who has strong arms and strong hands. Someone who can carry the weight of my endless aspirations, hopes and dreams on his shoulders along with his. I want someone who I’m so utterly attracted to. Someone whose outer beauty, while quite beautiful, pales to his inner beauty. I want someone tall, who can see the world a little differently than I can. I want someone loving. I want someone who holds me in his arms. I someone who will play with my hair as I lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart, feeling his warmth. I want someone whose touch sparks something in me. Someone that makes me feel giddy, and happy. Someone that fills my life with laughter, and I his. I want someone who will support me and stand by my side. I want someone who will listen, who will let me cry on his shoulder. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to have babies and start a loving family. I want someone whose hand will fit my hand, and only my hand. I want someone who loves life, who wants to explore and who wants to live freely because we only live once. I want someone I connect with, I mean really connect. I want someone who will fill my heart, my lungs, and my entire being with love.

Deserve? I don’t think any one being deserves love more than the next. But I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful.

I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop?

I think writing is cathartic, it’s healing, it allows one to get the words, the thoughts, the feelings, and the emotions out, in front of them, literally. I want to write more, I want to reflect more. I want to use writing as inspiration, I want to use writing as a way to work through frustration, through anger, through depression, through difficulty. I want to write without fear, without judgement, I want to be honest with myself, but more importantly, I want to be hard on myself. And when I say I want to be hard on myself, it means I want to be critical about the way I think, the way I am, my actions, and my beliefs. I want to always strive for being openminded, to be happy and to be enthusiastic about life. I want to keep myself in that wondrous state of mind, where life is beautiful, where the little things around us can teach us about appreciation. I want to be in a state of mind where I can encourage myself to be resilient. I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop? I’m growing and evolving as a person. In the last month, I saw a really dark side of me, of what failure and defeat could do to me, and that truly scared me. I’ve never seen that in me before, that level of fear and uncertainty, that level of… I don’t know what else to call it but fear. It was terrifying. I felt unwell, I felt dizzy, with heart palpitations and tremors. I was scared, because of external circumstances, because I had a deep, dark, unrelenting fear of failure that seemed unsurmountable and close to impossible to overcome. I really hated that one week, that week of pure terror. It was all new to me, I have never felt so unsure, so misdirected, so down, so rejected, so full of self-doubt. And I never ever want to return to that place. It scares me that I was able to go to that place, because I never thought I could be so affected. Others yes, sure, but me, well I thought I was resilient, I thought I was stronger and more powerful than that. I want to be resilient. And I think in times of difficulty and heartache and trouble and strife, I think that’ when your true character comes out. In times of struggle. That’s when we have a chance to truly evolve and push ourselves. Out of that dark, dark place, I found myself saying a mantra, I found myself saying that “action conquers fear,” I found myself doing things to make the fear go away, to put myself at ease, to justify what I am doing. And now, I know that that fear is ever-present, but only in the sense that it’s in the back of my mind. I will carry it forever with me, I will carry the possibility of that fear coming back, but I have to work, and it will take work, to conquer that fear. I want to be healthy, and happy, and certain, and powerful. I want to be the best person I can be, truly. I want to see the world and never give up on my passions or what I want in life. I want a family, I want to have children, I want to have a profession that I love and a profession that truly changes people’s lives for the better. I want all of this, this has all I have ever wanted. I want to grab life by the horns. I want to live, and strive, and more importantly THRIVE. I cannot let fear get in the way of my dreams, my passions, what I want, who I am, who I am becoming. I see people who have struggled and who have made it, who are reaping the fruits of their labor, who are living beautiful lives that are envied by many. I see them, and I hope to be them. I know I have lived a great life, full of happiness, adventure, travel, and I have beautiful memories of endless experiences. And I am hungry for more. Being the best I can be, taking care of my mind and my heart and my health, and never giving up on my passions, on the things that I love, well that’s how you find happiness. That’s how you find meaning, and that’s how you live a life worth living. Ah, I feel great getting this out there, and in front of me. I feel good talking things through and reminding myself of what’s important. Life is a journey, cliche I know, but it is. There are ups and downs, but it’s all about how you deal with the downs and how you take full advantage of the ups. I want you to be happy, I want you to be healthy, I want you to take care of yourself and others around you. I want you to always remember what’s important to you. I want you to be proud of what you have achieved thus far. I want you to know that you are smart and capable. I want you to know that you have affected others lives for the better. I want you to know that you have meaningful relationships where people love you. I want you to know that you are an amazing person, you are a dreamer and a writer, you are an artist, you are a runner, you are. You can be all that you desire. You can. Don’t settle for being categorized into a box. Don’t settle. Just don’t settle. Always dream, always strive, always go for it. And never, ever give up. Because you have been successful before, and you will be successful again. Dream big and never apologize for that. Dream big, live large, and love yourself. 

Light

I crave the light, I crave that beauty, that bright, startling, blinding beauty. The kind of beauty you can’t help but look at, the kind of beauty you cant help up gaze at, stare at, the blinding beauty, that  is so bright. It’s like nothing else, it’s so pure and rich and deep and true, and good, and full. It fills you up, it washes away everything else. I want to see that beauty, that true blinding light. I want to bask in the beauty. 

Only a few know it, only a few, a lucky few get to see it. Get to revel in it, get to appreciate it for all that it is, get to truly understand the depth of it. 

I want to see the light, I want to see truth, and beauty, and I want to be filled by it, every inch of me, I want to feel it. I want to feel it. 

True beauty, it’s there, it’s out there. True, blinding, bright, beauty.. well it makes you cry. To live a life… to know it… to see the light. Ah, what a dream. I want to feel it, I want to breathe it, I want to know it, I want to bask in the light of beauty and truth. I can sense it, I am just on the cusp, or perhaps it’s at the cusp where you find true beauty, where you are in this very moment, in this VERY moment. Yes, I am here, alive, honest. I am here, breathing, writing, expressing, I am here listening. I am here trying to break through, trying to discover, trying to uncover. Ah, it’s wonderful, to be in this state of mind, searching. Loving. 

But all I can see, all I can imagine, all I can dream up, is a bright, blinding light. With me, standing there, eyes shrouded, squinting but staring in to the deep bright light. Tears, and happiness. It’s a blissful moment. It’s perfection.

It’s peace. 

All they could see was everything

The night was black, a deep, soul-wrenching black, with dark blue streaks and dazzling stars, like diamonds carelessly scattered across the horizon. A moon peered down below. And down below, a swirling ball, bright with life. As the moon peered below, she could see the earth teeming with life, culture, and hope. Throughout her time, nestled far above, the moon would come to know this place well, this place teeming with life, culture and hope. The moon learned the nature of war, the growth of a nation, the beast of oppression, and the power of freedom. The moon observed, through its ancient eyes, what beauty, and love, and fear truly meant. The moon came to know its people, over centuries, as they adapted to the restless beat of time.

 

The people grew weary and somber, holding the history of their forefathers and carrying evolution in their bones. As they gathered upon this silent night, with young children in their arms and awe in their eyes, they peered far far above. Past the soaring winds that shaped their land, past the long, white stretches of shapeless clouds. And up above, all they could see was everything. Infinite vastness of space, filled with mystery. And while the terrifying enormity of the unknown was felt, the beauty of its mystery escaped no one. With heads tilted back, the people gazed at the amorphous beauties of unparalleled power and reveled in the blazing glory of such heavenly objects. But, most of all, they peered at their all-knowing moon, an ageless guardian that held the weight of the world. 

That warmth that fills your heart with hot red blood

And you stand with hair pulled back, and your hands are pressing against your ears, and all you can hear is the pattering sound of water on your skull, your cranium, your mind. And then the water rushes in, and fills all voids, swishes around and around in your mind, warm and fuzzy. Warm lights. Yellows and orange, it’s so peaceful, as if in back in the womb, when there was absolutely nothing, where there was just warmth, and light, and dim echoes of sounds, and the comforting sound of a mother’s heartbeat, of a mother’s voice. And your eyes are closed, and a slight smile sits on your lips, and you are cared for, and loved, and all is wondrful and beautiful because you are here, surrounded by warmth.

And then you open your eyes, and you see where you are, and  you see you. You see you and what you have become and you wonder what the hell you are doing right here, right now. If you have made ANY difference in this fucking world that you have been living in, so blindly. As if you haven’t started living, as if you are waiting for something good or great, something to change, some major life change  after which you will start living as the person you want to be, and you feel you need that fuckng push. That SHOVE. And it doesn’t come, and so you wait, and you slump, and your shoulders hunch, and your eyes lower, and your spirit withers, and all you have, all you hang onto is that little glimmering hope that ONE DAY that change will come. It will bring you up, lift you high and take you across, where all is good and wonderful, where life begins, and where you so desperately belong. And as you wait, and wait, and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait, you see the fucking damage that this time, this torturous time has had on your rocky heart, and your wrinkled brow. And then self-pity sets in.

And all you want to do is crawl back into that warm place. That warmth that fills your heart with hot red blood and flushes your cheeks. That place that you know was the one place where you were sure, and all you had to do was close your eyes, rest your mind, and feel soft pulses, plush sounds, calm breaths. Just be still.