Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for change

You affected me

The following thoughts are streaming through my head:

I wonder why I still think of you. I wonder why I can’t quit you. I wonder why you have this affect on me. I wonder why you changed me. How you changed me. I wonder if that was supposed to happen. Like part of some big, grand plan. Like one part of my journey that had to happen. You, you weren’t supposed to affect me. You weren’t supposed to move me. But you did. Oh how you did. I’m not sure when, or how, but you moved me beyond. I fell for you, unexpectedly, and hard. I fell, unknowingly. You have that effect on people, you know that right? You had that effect on me. I went from being too good for you to adoring you. Pining, craving, longing to be with you. I wanted it so badly, I wanted you and I wanted us. I think I still do. But, you, in all your charm and wit, you didn’t have me. It wasn’t like that. No, you didn’t reject me. We didn’t have this big falling out. It wasn’t like that. You simply chose her. While I was off to the sidelines, perhaps you treated her the same way you treated me. Perhaps better. You chose her, and when I learned this, it… well it almost broke me. How could I have been so wrong about us, about my feelings and about yours towards me. You chose her, simply, you did. There’s no denying that. And I lost hope, I lost that flicker, that joy. It felt like a knife, you know the cliche saying, a knife in the heart. Well it felt like that, again and again. I mean. I gave you my emotions! I changed my mind about you, I wanted to be with you, I could see us holding hands, embraced… I could see us together. I pictured us together. It seemed so right and good and just real. You broke my heart. You left a void in my chest, you took something that I was afraid to feel. You left me vulnerable and alone. I never thought you’d do that to me. You left me. You left us. You gave up on the idea of us. Lost hope, lost opportunity. 

I wonder if you knew. I wonder if I should have told you. If only, if only. Hindsight, right? I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if she makes you happy. I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if you would leave her for me. I wonder what we could have been. I wonder if you loved me. I wonder if I loved you. I wonder why these series of events were part of the days of our lives. 

And. What makes me even more sad, and what I cry about again and again, is that I cannot be the same around you. I think that period of us, together, whatever it was, friends or you name it, I think it’s done. I think it can never be the same. It feels like you’re gone, like you’re slowly disappearing from my life. It feels like you chose her, you chose to love her and you left me here, in pieces, uncertain, questioning my worth, my self. You left me here. You left. 

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becoming healthier, skinnier, and let’s face it, happier

I’ve been struggling with this for a while now, and It’s tough. There’s no other way to put it. I feel like there’s so much pressure on girls to be thin, pretty and slender, athletic and toned. And, while I eat healthily and try to excercise a couple times a week, I don’t think I’m putting enough effort into it. I honestly think I will be happier with myself if I lost 10 pounds. Honestly. And I know, I know that losing weight won’t make your life better or brighter, but I can’t help to think that it will. I can’t help to think that I will be more confident and just be able to appreciate myself and love myself as I see my body in the mirror. Superficial? Maybe. But in this world, in society today, what else is there?

So, I really want to put a true effort into this. I’m sure many women and maybe men can relate when I say that I’ve decided, one morning, “I’m going to be super healthy today, and start a new diet to lose weight.” And this lasts for what?, a couple days, maybe a week if I’m lucky! Then, temptation creeps up on you and suddenly you’re eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s along with a slice of pizza! It’s all oh so over after that

geez, this is going to be tough! But, for my sake, for not only my superficial need of being more slender and therefore prettier and more confident, I also want to do this for my health, so I can live a long, long, long life. I want to make this a lifestyle change. Not a diet that I stick to for a while. I want to change my ways, and with my sweet teeth (as in plural), it’s going to be tough. And I know there will be days where I crave and crave and desperately want to indulge just that once, just a tiny bit, I have to refuse. I have to, otherwise it won’t work.

And so, hopefully, I sincerely HOPE that I can start this change tomorrow. I want to start excersising more, at least 4 times a week, and writing down everything that I eat so I can pinpoint where my weaknesses come in. I think that this will really help, because I doubt most of us realize what we eat during a day or a couple days collectively, I know I don’t think about it very much.  I want to cut down on sugars and fats, and increase in vegetables and fruits. I want to make sure to eat smaller portions in every meal, and avoid snacking during the day. So tomorrow, I start. Tomorrow I will change my lifestyle, and be successful. BE STRONG and say goodbye to instant satisfaction!

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while and I’m still trying to figure things out… still trying to find love, still searching for myself, still hoping to stand confident…

I love these lyrics:

“I used to rule the world 

Seas would rise when I gave the word 
Now in the morning I sleep alone 
Sweep the streets I used to own… 

It was the wicked and wild win 
Blew down the doors to let me in 
Shattered windows and the sound of drums 
People couldn’t believe what I’d become…”

-Viva la Vida, Coldplay