Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for Death

the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment

let the politicians figure it out. let them fight the fights. let the soldiers go to battle.

sometimes, I think it’s all overwhelming. I think all that is here, on this earth, it’s too much–all the people, all the suffering, all the fighting, all the arguments, all the killing, all the sadness, all the joy, all the beauty, all the births and all the deaths, all the life changes, all the milestones, all the relationships, all the animals, all the diversity, all the open spaces, all the deep oceans, all the stars in the sky, all the vastness, all the evolution, all the religion, all the politics, all the thoughts, all the beliefs, all the misunderstandings, all the relationships, all the marriages, all the families, all the childhoods, all the nightmares, all the fears, all the faith, all the rivers, all the trees, all the woods, all the shorelines, all the specs of sand, all the cars, all the planes, all the trains, all the poverty, all the disease, all the hunger, all the hopelessness, all the damaged, all the injustice, all the talk, all the noise, all of it. All of it, constant and real.

how does one wrap one’s mind around all of it, constantly changing, morphing, evolving? how does one keep track? how does one make any sense out of everything? It’s terrifying, and amazing, sad and joyous, earth-shattering and awesome. It everything. And, when were in the middle of it, in the thick of this madness, in the center of the storm, in between foresight and hindsight, I can only find indescribable fear that one day, it will all be gone.

All of it, gone from memory, gone from conciousness. And the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment, not even flinch. Time will go on, people will keep moving, talking, and the noise will only get louder.

I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend why there is such cruelty, such disregard. To experience something so awesome, so tantalizing, so inspiring, only to have to leave it, leaving not a trace and taking… nothing.

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Everything will be okay

I find myself thinking about death… not in a scary, suicidal way, but in a way where I’m trying to understand it, wrap my mind around the finality of it all, truly understand what the ultimate fate is. And there are so many different angles I see. Some days… well some days I forget. I live life as if I will always live, forever, and therefore I live it carelessly. And other days, those days when reality feels real, I start to feel the fear. The anxiety and worry seep out as mind chatter reminds me, this life, this life will end. There will be a time, and a place, a point in space, where you will end. Anything and everything about your essence will cease. For me, this is the most frightening this there is, I shudder and my heart breaks. How can this be? Me? Me! It’s as hard for me to comprehend as it would be to visualize the 7th dimension. I can’t understand! Truly, it’s so hard to first understand, and moreover accept. Every year, I slowly drift by this date, unknowingly–the day when I will die. The day where everything else seems infinitely trivial, and all that occupies my mind is if everything will be okay. And then my forehead wrinkles, and I worry if I will find meaning, truth, love, and passion. I worry if I will have all the great things in life, see all the beautiful places, and more importantly meet the most beautiful people who will teach me truths of love and wisdom. I worry that I won’t get everything out of life, I won’t experience all that there is to experience, due to fears, embarrassment, self-consciousness, and any other psychological restraints. But, first, and foremost, I worry that I won’t experience love, true and passionate and unyielding love. 

I wonder about my impact on the world. I wonder if my existence make some type of impact? If my life is intertwined with hundreds or thousands of people, so that some how my death made a ripple in some small way throughout the world, and the far-reaching edges of the universe. I suppose this doesn’t matter- I mean I’m only living for me, but I would still wonder if I did any good, if I affected any and every person I’d ever met, or made eye-contact with.

And, then I start to question who I’d become when I will die. How old will I be, what morals and beliefs will I hold- it could be today, it could be in the next 10 minutes, I could die. That frightens me to no avail. But, I imagine myself old, dying peacefully. I hope I will someday be able to accept death as a natural process which no one can avoid. Something that is necessary, for immortality would get dull way too soon. That if there was no concept of an end, no one would have any inspiration to live, to expand into life, and to experience every moment for all it’s worth. I guess, death is the only thing pushing me forward- pushing me to accomplish anything I want, urging me to keep absorbing all of life’s offerings, for it’s a time limit we all have to meet; a deadline- literally.

I think about my state- I’ve visualized my lifeless body with eyes closed. And I ponder about what nail polish I will be wearing, what clothes will I have on, what molecules of air will forever be encased in my lungs due to my last and final breath. It’s an eerie concept to think that one week prior, while putting on that nail polish, I would have no idea that this was my last and final paint-job. I wonder… such odd things.

As it is, there are days when I get close to fully understanding the meaning and the reality of my death, my greatest fear. But, it’s becoming easier to see, easier to visualize, yet it still frightens me and probably always will.

I have to hope, I have to earnestly hope, that when it all ends…

when all that I know, all my comforts and all my memories end,

when I end,

everything will be okay

I want to LIVE before I die

Life is a funny thing. We get so involved in trying to persist, trying to last another day, trying to keep up with work, a social life, a love life, personal hobbies etc. We get so wrapped up in our daily little lives—And we forget to live. Please understand me when I say “live” not in the sense of living, breathing, or surviving. But truly living—I feel only a few have accomplished this. This sense of trying to learn for the sake of knowledge, trying to strive for something much greater, trying to be so much better, trying to find some sort of meaning that would justify it all. This idea of appreciating, on a much deeper level, the earth, the wind, the human condition. Viewing life, not as a curse, or something to just “live” through, struggle through, detesting any hardships and indulging in guilty desires. Viewing life as an opportunity, a chance that may never, ever come again, a chance that only happens once, and only happens for a few. The lucky few, living right now, in this moment, in this moment.

 

Oh! I want to live my life like this. Appreciating so deeply, and valuing my life to the extent that it would be unfathomable to waste a day, an hour, a single second. Packing my every moment of existence with meaningful experiences—viewing the world in all its glory, having worthy relationships with people, and being a true, independent, peaceful person. I want all of this! I want love, I want to travel to see it all—poverty, decay, wealth, and the avant-garde, I want meaning, I want to enjoy everyday, I want to be the person I conjure up in my head, I want to be proud of what I have become, and the morals I live by. Oh! I dread mediocrity, completely!

 

And when I die, when we all die, I want to be Okay. I want to be able to say, truthfully, that I have fulfilled all I ever dreamed in my lifetime, without major regrets. That I was bold, confident, beautiful, and brought meaning into my life. But, as it is right now, I’m terrified of death, of what it means literally, what it represents. An end, complete and blunt. No second chances…not one. It surprises me how, some days, I’m so ignorant to the death, creeping slowly. Maybe it’s some subconscious fear, maybe I force myself not to imagine it, therefore making it nonexistent for a day, or a week. But it always pops up, it always returns. I hate it, I hate having to accept it, undeniably, because whether I like it or not, it’ll happen—so when it does, I want to be Okay. I feel those who have terminal diseases get to stare into death’s haunting face much more often, and therefore get to live (in the true sense) deeper and truer. But, in essence, we are all terminal and we all going to die. So, I need to try to live, each day, staring into death’s terrifying eyes, forcing myself to be better, and get the most and best out of life.

 

I want to LIVE before I die. I want a lot.

The Fourth Dimension

Am I living it right? Life I mean. Am I doing what I am supposed to be doing? Being what I am supposed to be? Experiencing what I am supposed to experience? I’m confused.

I can’t handle the idea of death. It’s like trying to conceptualize the fourth dimension. Difficult. But moreover, I can’t stand the idea of dying without fulfilling some purpose. Some grand, worthy purpose. Something powerful and moving. I want to say that I died, living as much as I could. And so, can you blame me for wondering if I am in the right moment.

What am I doing that is so grand right now? I am laying here, typing away, offering my private thoughts to the world. Should I travel? Should I work? Should I study? Should I not do anything at all?

I worry that I will never find that chance or opportunity that was meant for me and will mean everything to me.

All that I crave is clarity.