Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for experience

Ah.

Sometimes. Well sometimes I wonder. About the beauty. About the world around me. I look outside and I see the clouds, the blues the grays, the lavenders. It’s easy, you see, to forget the wonder that we live in. That we are submerged in. That we revel in. That we live our daily lives in. It’s the wonder and the beauty that exists only here. Only now. Right now. You are seeing it right now.

Ah.

Yes, right now, in this moment in time and in space, you are here witnessing beauty. Experiencing life. Feeling love. Your eyes are taking in the world around you, your eyes can see such beauty, such colors, such majesty, the mountains, the oceans, the misty rain forests, the sunrises and sunsets, as they zip by day after day. Each day presents itself to you.

Pause, and take a look.

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Heavy

My mind is heavy, it’s weary even in its youth. Weighed down by tired thoughts that seem to stream through on repeat again, and again. It’s as if my mind is a junkyard, filled with dust and debris scattered here and there. On one side there’s a stack of cars, piled perhaps 10 high, flattened and weathered with worn tires from the miles they traveled, from the world they have seen. On the other, broken and forgotten pieces of home, buried toys of a childhood that is long gone.

Fate, you out there?

I want to believe in fate. I want to know the comfort that someday, fate will bring someone amazing into my life, or something incredible that will turn my world upside down. But I always have that small doubt, in the dark, suspicious corners of my mind: what if it won’t happen? What if I already passed up that opportunity and it’s never, ever coming back? What if I made the wrong decesion? What if, by some long, convoluted, random series of events, I am not where I am supposed to be in this moment and time? And while I could be experiencing something inspiring and truly grand, I am here, waiting…waiting for it to come to me.

What if?

I want to believe that I have made sound decesions, that have led to a better me. I want to believe that I didn’t take a wrong turn years, or hours, or even seconds ago that will haunt me. I want to have that assurance that everytime I decided something, it was for a purpose that was necessary, good or bad, to shape me into who I am, and what I stand for in this moment. The people I met, the things I did, the lifestyle that I chose were all for some reason… But I realize, I will never have this assurance. I know that it isn’t possible to find out if I am living life the way I am suppose to. And so, I must accept what I have done, whether it was the best way to go about things, or if it was the worst possible decesion I could make, and move forward. I just hope, truly hope, that there are some opportunities and some people in my near and far future that will force me to grow, to love, to learn, to experience, to discover….