Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for family

Here’s what I deserve

Actually no. It’s not what I deserve. And I don’t think anyone deserves this. I think you’re just lucky… I think you have to be lucky to find love. To find someone compatible. To find someone else who complements you in the best ways. So here’s what I’m hopeful for: 

I hope to find someone wonderful. Someone passionate and kind. Someone family oriented. Someone who works hard, for not just himself, but the both of us. I hope to find someone who is handsome, who has strong arms and strong hands. Someone who can carry the weight of my endless aspirations, hopes and dreams on his shoulders along with his. I want someone who I’m so utterly attracted to. Someone whose outer beauty, while quite beautiful, pales to his inner beauty. I want someone tall, who can see the world a little differently than I can. I want someone loving. I want someone who holds me in his arms. I someone who will play with my hair as I lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart, feeling his warmth. I want someone whose touch sparks something in me. Someone that makes me feel giddy, and happy. Someone that fills my life with laughter, and I his. I want someone who will support me and stand by my side. I want someone who will listen, who will let me cry on his shoulder. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to have babies and start a loving family. I want someone whose hand will fit my hand, and only my hand. I want someone who loves life, who wants to explore and who wants to live freely because we only live once. I want someone I connect with, I mean really connect. I want someone who will fill my heart, my lungs, and my entire being with love.

Deserve? I don’t think any one being deserves love more than the next. But I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful.

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My heart

My heart is so full. It wants so much- of life, of love, of family, of affirmation. It yearns, it craves, it hungers. 

A mash-up

Reaching, kneeling down. Arms high above, hands even higher, muscles tighten. Reaching for something higher, but what? Trying to grasp the sky, trying to clench the sun, trying to hold onto clouds. A look of strained despair and subtle defeat, growing minute by minute.

Slowly defeat conquers, and it utterly drains.

 

These are pretty bad times; a funk that I can’t get out of, I can’t seem to pinpoint the start and I can’t foresee the end—all I know is times were better before, and I hope they get better soon. I dread the idea that the best times of my life have long passed. Right now, I’m overdue for some good, life-changing, eye-opening good.

 

The holidays, known for family, friends, and warmth and love, aren’t so this year. I recall other years where December was a great time! I used to feel on top of the world—I was pretty, and likeable, lovable, and popular. I had people. Now, I can’t help but to feel bipolar, trying to superficially get along with him and her, wishing that this superficial love and adoration would suffice and transform to a reality. But it is so not working.

 

I think I’m just in a bad place, I’m not being honest with myself. Every night I go to bed with such a defeated spirit, and every morning I wake up, feeling like today I could change the pattern, I could be good and true, today could be the day!—but I cannot even convince myself to believe that its feasible. And so I lie, to myself mostly. And, within an hour or so, the day becomes sour—words are exchanged, tears drip, harsh tones become permanent. I missed the sweet voices I used to hear, I miss the laughter and playfulness—it’s never as genuine as it used to be.

 

The new year approaches, and as usual, we hope, and a united human race, that the next year will be better and brighter and lovelier than the last. But is it ever? I’ll try to hope so, I’ll try…but every year, it’s harder and harder to be optimistic…

 

Just know that I’m overdue.

Overdue for some life-changing and eye-opening good.