Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for heartbreak

You chose her

I built a home for you, for me. In my heart…..you had a home. I saw us together. I saw us holding one another. You had me, you could so easily have me. You had me by the touch of your hand, the warm of your skin. You had me with your sweet, sweet smile. You had me with your kindness, with your care. You had me.

I built a home for us, in my heart, in my mind. I saw us together, happy. I saw us together and in love. I saw us, and it was spectacular. I saw us kissing, I saw us embracing, I saw me in your arms, wrapped up in your strong arms. I saw my body melt into yours. I saw hope, I saw happiness. 

We could have been great, I mean really great. I know we could have. We could have been something special, something to treasure, something sacred.

But you chose her, you care for her. I’m not sure how, I’m not sure how we could not possibly be, it seems so right, so natural…. so necessary. How can you be with her? What do you see in her? What do you see in her that you don’t see in me? Why her? Why not me? Why would you give up on us. We would have been great, we would have been beautiful together. I mean really, really good. She, well she is pleasant. But she doesn’t have the fire, the desire that I have for you. I don’t see it, I don’t think I ever will. It just breaks my heart, and I mean really breaks my heart that you don’t see us. I don’t understand, I don’t get it, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. Why not me? Why not us? I had such high hopes, I saw us, I saw us for the long run. I saw us forever. I saw us laughing, and loving, and in such peace, such comfort with each other. I saw us living our lives with each other. I saw us. 

And now you are with her. Do you see her, do you really see her in your life? In your arms? In your embrace? Do you love her? Does she fulfill you? Does she live and breathe to be with you. Because, I do. At least I used to. And may still do. How pitiful, how sad that I have to move on. I have to give up on such a beautiful dream. I have to give up on us. It would have been magical. It would have been so wonderful. I wonder…. I wonder… 

I just can’t get you out of my mind. Now that you’re gone, moved on, perhaps never thought of me. I wonder if you ever thought of me. We shared embraces, we shared a lot. But I wonder if you ever thought of me the way I thought, and I still think of you. I can’t get you out of my mind, each and every day, every hour I find myself thinking of you, pondering, wishing, and wondering. I find myself imagining, dreaming. I find myself hoping that you will leave her, and that we can be together. The way it should be, the way it’s supposed to be. But… alas, no. I keep my thoughts to myself, I try to distance myself from you… while it’s so hard to be away from you, I think it may be best. 

I sadly drag my feet, and try to move on. I try to push you out of my mind, I try to block the intrusive thoughts. I try to forget, I try to not cry. I try to move on, I try to see a life without you, I try to see how you are not right for me. I force myself to see your faults, to see why, somehow, why we could not be. And when I see you both together, I look away. Because that just breaks my heart again. That just reminds me that you chose her, that you didn’t choose me, that you didn’t want me. You. Didn’t. Want. Me. It just makes me cry…. and I can’t let you see me cry. I can’t let you see me this way, I can’t let you know the truth, what’s in my heart. 

Oh, we could have been great. We could have been something to remember. 

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Diaries of a Vagabond

I sit here, listening to some sad music, putting me in the mood, urging me to write pitiful words. Hah. The hairs stand on my arms, my eyes ache. I love the violins, the sad sad violins.

Just BREAK me down! I am starting to crave it—just an earth-shattering blow to my world. Break it into one trillion pieces, break crack rip smash. Oh what I would give to…. To move, to start again and again and again. It gets so boring. One life, one way of  life, I’m tired. Turn it upside down, shake my shoulders. Am I seriously the only one? The only one who is bored, bored of this, of doing this, again and again. Eat, sleep, gym, study, work, play. How utterly dull, such monotony.

I don’t know how to do it, I don’t think I’m big enough to take the step. I don’t think I could do it to myself- change it all, just leave it all behind. Really, if I just picked up and left. Stepped onto a bus, and went. Got onto a plane, and left. Just left. I mean I don’t know if…. Hmm……vagabond

                                 

My shine is wearing off. Like an old penny, covered in age. The glisten in my eye is dimming, the light in my pulsing heart flickers. Maybe reality is setting in, and I am hearing. I am seeing what ‘to be human’ really means. I’m seeing agony, I’m seeing heartbreak……………I’m seeing fear….. helplessness.

 

I can see it in strangers’ eyes. I see how much it hurts.

 

But we get by, because that’s all we know. And so we shuffle along, and keep treading water and we make a little life, surround ourselves with material comforts, and try to forget, plug our ears and close our eyes shut tight, and just block out what we don’t want to hear, what we don’t want to realize is so true.

 

And I see myself… I can see myself on this path, on this specific road, going down the ignorant road. Is it so wrong that I want something different for myself, for me, is it so wrong that I want something great? So just give me an earth-shattering blow and break me down into one trillion pieces so I can wake up and start again, so I can try again………. I just need to try again….let me try again