Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for journey

Hungry, forever-wanting

I’m here and so are you. We are gracing this earth with our presence as I write. What a wonderful thought. To know you are alive, with someone else. How lucky are we to spend our days together, our numbered days, our handful of days. Each like a gem, a precious stone. There are only a few, only some and no more thereafter.

 I hope we witness beautiful things in life. I hope to understand how grand and vast and immense this earth is. I hope to travel and explore, I hope to find unknown and foreign lands and discover new territory in myself. We never stop growing, remember that. We are affected by it all, all the people, all the places, all the events, all of it. Every such small thing affects us, builds our weathered and weary bodies. Our hearts time etched and heavy. Our bones sturdy and strong. Our hands, wrinkled and humble, waiting, wanting. Our eyes, bright and hopeful. I hope to be hopeful, I hope to be curious and hungry, forever-wanting. I want so much for myself, and for you.

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Life is speeding by, ever-fast, ever-quick. Did you notice?

You affected me

The following thoughts are streaming through my head:

I wonder why I still think of you. I wonder why I can’t quit you. I wonder why you have this affect on me. I wonder why you changed me. How you changed me. I wonder if that was supposed to happen. Like part of some big, grand plan. Like one part of my journey that had to happen. You, you weren’t supposed to affect me. You weren’t supposed to move me. But you did. Oh how you did. I’m not sure when, or how, but you moved me beyond. I fell for you, unexpectedly, and hard. I fell, unknowingly. You have that effect on people, you know that right? You had that effect on me. I went from being too good for you to adoring you. Pining, craving, longing to be with you. I wanted it so badly, I wanted you and I wanted us. I think I still do. But, you, in all your charm and wit, you didn’t have me. It wasn’t like that. No, you didn’t reject me. We didn’t have this big falling out. It wasn’t like that. You simply chose her. While I was off to the sidelines, perhaps you treated her the same way you treated me. Perhaps better. You chose her, and when I learned this, it… well it almost broke me. How could I have been so wrong about us, about my feelings and about yours towards me. You chose her, simply, you did. There’s no denying that. And I lost hope, I lost that flicker, that joy. It felt like a knife, you know the cliche saying, a knife in the heart. Well it felt like that, again and again. I mean. I gave you my emotions! I changed my mind about you, I wanted to be with you, I could see us holding hands, embraced… I could see us together. I pictured us together. It seemed so right and good and just real. You broke my heart. You left a void in my chest, you took something that I was afraid to feel. You left me vulnerable and alone. I never thought you’d do that to me. You left me. You left us. You gave up on the idea of us. Lost hope, lost opportunity. 

I wonder if you knew. I wonder if I should have told you. If only, if only. Hindsight, right? I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if she makes you happy. I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if you would leave her for me. I wonder what we could have been. I wonder if you loved me. I wonder if I loved you. I wonder why these series of events were part of the days of our lives. 

And. What makes me even more sad, and what I cry about again and again, is that I cannot be the same around you. I think that period of us, together, whatever it was, friends or you name it, I think it’s done. I think it can never be the same. It feels like you’re gone, like you’re slowly disappearing from my life. It feels like you chose her, you chose to love her and you left me here, in pieces, uncertain, questioning my worth, my self. You left me here. You left. 

Miles and Miles

I can see for miles and miles and miles.

Stretches of road under a starry night.

And all I can think of is you.