Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for life

Poetry

The moment flows by like molten sapphire

Deep blue silences

No earth below, no sky above

The rustling branches and leaves

Are saying only you are here

Only me

My breath and my heartbeat

Such depth, such solitude

And me Only me

I now believe I exist

-zindagi na milegi dobara

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Here’s what I deserve

Actually no. It’s not what I deserve. And I don’t think anyone deserves this. I think you’re just lucky… I think you have to be lucky to find love. To find someone compatible. To find someone else who complements you in the best ways. So here’s what I’m hopeful for: 

I hope to find someone wonderful. Someone passionate and kind. Someone family oriented. Someone who works hard, for not just himself, but the both of us. I hope to find someone who is handsome, who has strong arms and strong hands. Someone who can carry the weight of my endless aspirations, hopes and dreams on his shoulders along with his. I want someone who I’m so utterly attracted to. Someone whose outer beauty, while quite beautiful, pales to his inner beauty. I want someone tall, who can see the world a little differently than I can. I want someone loving. I want someone who holds me in his arms. I someone who will play with my hair as I lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart, feeling his warmth. I want someone whose touch sparks something in me. Someone that makes me feel giddy, and happy. Someone that fills my life with laughter, and I his. I want someone who will support me and stand by my side. I want someone who will listen, who will let me cry on his shoulder. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to have babies and start a loving family. I want someone whose hand will fit my hand, and only my hand. I want someone who loves life, who wants to explore and who wants to live freely because we only live once. I want someone I connect with, I mean really connect. I want someone who will fill my heart, my lungs, and my entire being with love.

Deserve? I don’t think any one being deserves love more than the next. But I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful.

I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies

Show me something new, something different something fresh. I want to see it all, and I don’t think I have yet. I want to see the greatest of goods, and while it scares me, I know I will see the worst of bads. I am young, and bright-eyed, and I hope to stay that way. Forever. I hope to stay curious and hopeful. I hope to always have that light burning inside, that unanswered and eternal question “what does it all mean?” I hope that never leaves me. And I don’t think it will. I want to see what the world, and this life, and what the human condition has to offer. I want to see all of the intricacies. I want to explore them. I want to have a lover, and be foolish in love. I want to travel the world. I want to do good. I want to be confident. I want to remain healthy and strong and powerful. I want to find a man who cannot take his eyes off of me. I want to find someone to hold me tight, and who never wants to let me go. I want to connect to people and hear their stories. I want to see the struggle in their eyes. I want to know the beautiful places in this world. All of them. It almost seems impossible for one person to capture all of nature’s diversity. But I’ll try, don’t you worry. I want to be a poet. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a dreamer. I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies. I want to be a dancer. I want to be an athlete. I want to be all of these things, in this lifetime. And I think I will.

A beating heart

I look inside, and I see my heart. Beating, red, pulsing with life, humming with curiosity. I can feel the rhythm. I can feel it beating, again and again. I can feel it pumping effortlessly, gracefully. It’s brimming with life, with energy, with promise.

I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop?

I think writing is cathartic, it’s healing, it allows one to get the words, the thoughts, the feelings, and the emotions out, in front of them, literally. I want to write more, I want to reflect more. I want to use writing as inspiration, I want to use writing as a way to work through frustration, through anger, through depression, through difficulty. I want to write without fear, without judgement, I want to be honest with myself, but more importantly, I want to be hard on myself. And when I say I want to be hard on myself, it means I want to be critical about the way I think, the way I am, my actions, and my beliefs. I want to always strive for being openminded, to be happy and to be enthusiastic about life. I want to keep myself in that wondrous state of mind, where life is beautiful, where the little things around us can teach us about appreciation. I want to be in a state of mind where I can encourage myself to be resilient. I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop? I’m growing and evolving as a person. In the last month, I saw a really dark side of me, of what failure and defeat could do to me, and that truly scared me. I’ve never seen that in me before, that level of fear and uncertainty, that level of… I don’t know what else to call it but fear. It was terrifying. I felt unwell, I felt dizzy, with heart palpitations and tremors. I was scared, because of external circumstances, because I had a deep, dark, unrelenting fear of failure that seemed unsurmountable and close to impossible to overcome. I really hated that one week, that week of pure terror. It was all new to me, I have never felt so unsure, so misdirected, so down, so rejected, so full of self-doubt. And I never ever want to return to that place. It scares me that I was able to go to that place, because I never thought I could be so affected. Others yes, sure, but me, well I thought I was resilient, I thought I was stronger and more powerful than that. I want to be resilient. And I think in times of difficulty and heartache and trouble and strife, I think that’ when your true character comes out. In times of struggle. That’s when we have a chance to truly evolve and push ourselves. Out of that dark, dark place, I found myself saying a mantra, I found myself saying that “action conquers fear,” I found myself doing things to make the fear go away, to put myself at ease, to justify what I am doing. And now, I know that that fear is ever-present, but only in the sense that it’s in the back of my mind. I will carry it forever with me, I will carry the possibility of that fear coming back, but I have to work, and it will take work, to conquer that fear. I want to be healthy, and happy, and certain, and powerful. I want to be the best person I can be, truly. I want to see the world and never give up on my passions or what I want in life. I want a family, I want to have children, I want to have a profession that I love and a profession that truly changes people’s lives for the better. I want all of this, this has all I have ever wanted. I want to grab life by the horns. I want to live, and strive, and more importantly THRIVE. I cannot let fear get in the way of my dreams, my passions, what I want, who I am, who I am becoming. I see people who have struggled and who have made it, who are reaping the fruits of their labor, who are living beautiful lives that are envied by many. I see them, and I hope to be them. I know I have lived a great life, full of happiness, adventure, travel, and I have beautiful memories of endless experiences. And I am hungry for more. Being the best I can be, taking care of my mind and my heart and my health, and never giving up on my passions, on the things that I love, well that’s how you find happiness. That’s how you find meaning, and that’s how you live a life worth living. Ah, I feel great getting this out there, and in front of me. I feel good talking things through and reminding myself of what’s important. Life is a journey, cliche I know, but it is. There are ups and downs, but it’s all about how you deal with the downs and how you take full advantage of the ups. I want you to be happy, I want you to be healthy, I want you to take care of yourself and others around you. I want you to always remember what’s important to you. I want you to be proud of what you have achieved thus far. I want you to know that you are smart and capable. I want you to know that you have affected others lives for the better. I want you to know that you have meaningful relationships where people love you. I want you to know that you are an amazing person, you are a dreamer and a writer, you are an artist, you are a runner, you are. You can be all that you desire. You can. Don’t settle for being categorized into a box. Don’t settle. Just don’t settle. Always dream, always strive, always go for it. And never, ever give up. Because you have been successful before, and you will be successful again. Dream big and never apologize for that. Dream big, live large, and love yourself. 

Love, it’s random

Sometimes I wonder where he is… right now… you know, the person I’m supposed to be with. I guess “supposed to” is not the right phrase, because I don’t believe we are destined to be with one person. I believe it’s random, completely and utterly random who we end up with. Oh sure, we date and we have relationships and we fall in love and we choose who we want to be with… but what if that faithful day never happened. What if you didn’t walk into that cafe, bookstore or bar. What if you never met that person… well, some may suggest that the universe has a way of bringing you both together, that it’s fate, that eventually what should be, will be. But, I’m not so sure. I believe, perhaps, that if, on that fateful day, you failed to run into that person, then that’s it. It would have never happened, you would have never met and the randomness of the universe would continue. But, you would walk into a cafe, bookstore or bar another day… and meet another person, and fall in love, and get married and start a family. I believe that. I believe that it’s all random. I think we just have to be lucky enough to be somewhere at the right time in the right place to meet someone right.

Now, I used to worry. A lot. I used to worry about major life decisions. I used to wonder if I was making the correct decisions, if I had chosen the correct university to go to, if I had chosen the correct apartment to live in, if I had chosen the correct subjects to study, if I had chosen the correct career to go into. I questioned every minute decision. I wondered, what if I was supposed to do something, that would completely and utterly change the direction of my life. What if I made a wrong turn, minute or grand, what if I missed out on something important, something grand, something that was supposed to be, something that would have made my life the life I strive for, the life I hope for. What if I missed the chance of meeting him. That was my biggest fear. What if I missed him. What if we missed each other in the chaos that is our day to day lives. How tragic, how utterly tragic and sad.

 

But, I don’t think we live with such high stakes. And if we do, there is no way to know. There is no way to know if each and every decision we are making are the right ones, the ones that are “supposed to” happen. And therefore, I have come to the conclusion that it’s random. It’s uncontrolled and unpredictable. And today, I am ever-close and extremely far from meeting my future lover, partner, husband.

 

But I still wonder where he is, the one I will eventually end up with… whoever he is. I don’t believe in “the one,” but I do believe there is one man that I will end up with… and I wonder what he is doing… right. now.

Heavy

My mind is heavy, it’s weary even in its youth. Weighed down by tired thoughts that seem to stream through on repeat again, and again. It’s as if my mind is a junkyard, filled with dust and debris scattered here and there. On one side there’s a stack of cars, piled perhaps 10 high, flattened and weathered with worn tires from the miles they traveled, from the world they have seen. On the other, broken and forgotten pieces of home, buried toys of a childhood that is long gone.