Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for life

Poetry

The moment flows by like molten sapphire

Deep blue silences

No earth below, no sky above

The rustling branches and leaves

Are saying only you are here

Only me

My breath and my heartbeat

Such depth, such solitude

And me Only me

I now believe I exist

-zindagi na milegi dobara

Here’s what I deserve

Actually no. It’s not what I deserve. And I don’t think anyone deserves this. I think you’re just lucky… I think you have to be lucky to find love. To find someone compatible. To find someone else who complements you in the best ways. So here’s what I’m hopeful for: 

I hope to find someone wonderful. Someone passionate and kind. Someone family oriented. Someone who works hard, for not just himself, but the both of us. I hope to find someone who is handsome, who has strong arms and strong hands. Someone who can carry the weight of my endless aspirations, hopes and dreams on his shoulders along with his. I want someone who I’m so utterly attracted to. Someone whose outer beauty, while quite beautiful, pales to his inner beauty. I want someone tall, who can see the world a little differently than I can. I want someone loving. I want someone who holds me in his arms. I someone who will play with my hair as I lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart, feeling his warmth. I want someone whose touch sparks something in me. Someone that makes me feel giddy, and happy. Someone that fills my life with laughter, and I his. I want someone who will support me and stand by my side. I want someone who will listen, who will let me cry on his shoulder. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to have babies and start a loving family. I want someone whose hand will fit my hand, and only my hand. I want someone who loves life, who wants to explore and who wants to live freely because we only live once. I want someone I connect with, I mean really connect. I want someone who will fill my heart, my lungs, and my entire being with love.

Deserve? I don’t think any one being deserves love more than the next. But I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful.

I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies

Show me something new, something different something fresh. I want to see it all, and I don’t think I have yet. I want to see the greatest of goods, and while it scares me, I know I will see the worst of bads. I am young, and bright-eyed, and I hope to stay that way. Forever. I hope to stay curious and hopeful. I hope to always have that light burning inside, that unanswered and eternal question “what does it all mean?” I hope that never leaves me. And I don’t think it will. I want to see what the world, and this life, and what the human condition has to offer. I want to see all of the intricacies. I want to explore them. I want to have a lover, and be foolish in love. I want to travel the world. I want to do good. I want to be confident. I want to remain healthy and strong and powerful. I want to find a man who cannot take his eyes off of me. I want to find someone to hold me tight, and who never wants to let me go. I want to connect to people and hear their stories. I want to see the struggle in their eyes. I want to know the beautiful places in this world. All of them. It almost seems impossible for one person to capture all of nature’s diversity. But I’ll try, don’t you worry. I want to be a poet. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a dreamer. I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies. I want to be a dancer. I want to be an athlete. I want to be all of these things, in this lifetime. And I think I will.

A beating heart

I look inside, and I see my heart. Beating, red, pulsing with life, humming with curiosity. I can feel the rhythm. I can feel it beating, again and again. I can feel it pumping effortlessly, gracefully. It’s brimming with life, with energy, with promise.

I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop?

I think writing is cathartic, it’s healing, it allows one to get the words, the thoughts, the feelings, and the emotions out, in front of them, literally. I want to write more, I want to reflect more. I want to use writing as inspiration, I want to use writing as a way to work through frustration, through anger, through depression, through difficulty. I want to write without fear, without judgement, I want to be honest with myself, but more importantly, I want to be hard on myself. And when I say I want to be hard on myself, it means I want to be critical about the way I think, the way I am, my actions, and my beliefs. I want to always strive for being openminded, to be happy and to be enthusiastic about life. I want to keep myself in that wondrous state of mind, where life is beautiful, where the little things around us can teach us about appreciation. I want to be in a state of mind where I can encourage myself to be resilient. I think I’m still growing, I mean do we ever stop? I’m growing and evolving as a person. In the last month, I saw a really dark side of me, of what failure and defeat could do to me, and that truly scared me. I’ve never seen that in me before, that level of fear and uncertainty, that level of… I don’t know what else to call it but fear. It was terrifying. I felt unwell, I felt dizzy, with heart palpitations and tremors. I was scared, because of external circumstances, because I had a deep, dark, unrelenting fear of failure that seemed unsurmountable and close to impossible to overcome. I really hated that one week, that week of pure terror. It was all new to me, I have never felt so unsure, so misdirected, so down, so rejected, so full of self-doubt. And I never ever want to return to that place. It scares me that I was able to go to that place, because I never thought I could be so affected. Others yes, sure, but me, well I thought I was resilient, I thought I was stronger and more powerful than that. I want to be resilient. And I think in times of difficulty and heartache and trouble and strife, I think that’ when your true character comes out. In times of struggle. That’s when we have a chance to truly evolve and push ourselves. Out of that dark, dark place, I found myself saying a mantra, I found myself saying that “action conquers fear,” I found myself doing things to make the fear go away, to put myself at ease, to justify what I am doing. And now, I know that that fear is ever-present, but only in the sense that it’s in the back of my mind. I will carry it forever with me, I will carry the possibility of that fear coming back, but I have to work, and it will take work, to conquer that fear. I want to be healthy, and happy, and certain, and powerful. I want to be the best person I can be, truly. I want to see the world and never give up on my passions or what I want in life. I want a family, I want to have children, I want to have a profession that I love and a profession that truly changes people’s lives for the better. I want all of this, this has all I have ever wanted. I want to grab life by the horns. I want to live, and strive, and more importantly THRIVE. I cannot let fear get in the way of my dreams, my passions, what I want, who I am, who I am becoming. I see people who have struggled and who have made it, who are reaping the fruits of their labor, who are living beautiful lives that are envied by many. I see them, and I hope to be them. I know I have lived a great life, full of happiness, adventure, travel, and I have beautiful memories of endless experiences. And I am hungry for more. Being the best I can be, taking care of my mind and my heart and my health, and never giving up on my passions, on the things that I love, well that’s how you find happiness. That’s how you find meaning, and that’s how you live a life worth living. Ah, I feel great getting this out there, and in front of me. I feel good talking things through and reminding myself of what’s important. Life is a journey, cliche I know, but it is. There are ups and downs, but it’s all about how you deal with the downs and how you take full advantage of the ups. I want you to be happy, I want you to be healthy, I want you to take care of yourself and others around you. I want you to always remember what’s important to you. I want you to be proud of what you have achieved thus far. I want you to know that you are smart and capable. I want you to know that you have affected others lives for the better. I want you to know that you have meaningful relationships where people love you. I want you to know that you are an amazing person, you are a dreamer and a writer, you are an artist, you are a runner, you are. You can be all that you desire. You can. Don’t settle for being categorized into a box. Don’t settle. Just don’t settle. Always dream, always strive, always go for it. And never, ever give up. Because you have been successful before, and you will be successful again. Dream big and never apologize for that. Dream big, live large, and love yourself. 

Love, it’s random

Sometimes I wonder where he is… right now… you know, the person I’m supposed to be with. I guess “supposed to” is not the right phrase, because I don’t believe we are destined to be with one person. I believe it’s random, completely and utterly random who we end up with. Oh sure, we date and we have relationships and we fall in love and we choose who we want to be with… but what if that faithful day never happened. What if you didn’t walk into that cafe, bookstore or bar. What if you never met that person… well, some may suggest that the universe has a way of bringing you both together, that it’s fate, that eventually what should be, will be. But, I’m not so sure. I believe, perhaps, that if, on that fateful day, you failed to run into that person, then that’s it. It would have never happened, you would have never met and the randomness of the universe would continue. But, you would walk into a cafe, bookstore or bar another day… and meet another person, and fall in love, and get married and start a family. I believe that. I believe that it’s all random. I think we just have to be lucky enough to be somewhere at the right time in the right place to meet someone right.

Now, I used to worry. A lot. I used to worry about major life decisions. I used to wonder if I was making the correct decisions, if I had chosen the correct university to go to, if I had chosen the correct apartment to live in, if I had chosen the correct subjects to study, if I had chosen the correct career to go into. I questioned every minute decision. I wondered, what if I was supposed to do something, that would completely and utterly change the direction of my life. What if I made a wrong turn, minute or grand, what if I missed out on something important, something grand, something that was supposed to be, something that would have made my life the life I strive for, the life I hope for. What if I missed the chance of meeting him. That was my biggest fear. What if I missed him. What if we missed each other in the chaos that is our day to day lives. How tragic, how utterly tragic and sad.

 

But, I don’t think we live with such high stakes. And if we do, there is no way to know. There is no way to know if each and every decision we are making are the right ones, the ones that are “supposed to” happen. And therefore, I have come to the conclusion that it’s random. It’s uncontrolled and unpredictable. And today, I am ever-close and extremely far from meeting my future lover, partner, husband.

 

But I still wonder where he is, the one I will eventually end up with… whoever he is. I don’t believe in “the one,” but I do believe there is one man that I will end up with… and I wonder what he is doing… right. now.

Heavy

My mind is heavy, it’s weary even in its youth. Weighed down by tired thoughts that seem to stream through on repeat again, and again. It’s as if my mind is a junkyard, filled with dust and debris scattered here and there. On one side there’s a stack of cars, piled perhaps 10 high, flattened and weathered with worn tires from the miles they traveled, from the world they have seen. On the other, broken and forgotten pieces of home, buried toys of a childhood that is long gone.

My heart

My heart is so full. It wants so much- of life, of love, of family, of affirmation. It yearns, it craves, it hungers. 

I give in

Sometimes I give into the hopeless thoughts, those negative ones. Those dark and heavy ones. Those thoughts that make you question and wonder. Those thoughts that make you self-doubt and give in. Those thoughts that make you cry and cry.

I want, I wonder

I’m here, in front of you, asking what I should do. What I should be. How I should act. I’m grown, and I’m aged, I’m wiser that I was. I’m smart and I’m shrewd, I’m astute and aware. But, I’m lost and I’m confused. I’m curious and I’m cautious. I’m asking you. I’m asking you who I should be, how I should be, how I should cope. I think this is how I cope.

I want to be humble. I want to be thoughtful. I want to be graceful and smart.

Remove the cynicism because it taints the beauty of each day, it stains the wonder that surrounds us. Remove the negative and oppressive thoughts. Remove self-doubt and disbelief. Accept and move on. Be honest and move on. Be open and stay humble. Stay you. Be you, but only the best version. Just you. Please, it is ever so important to not get jaded, to not get swayed or tainted or degraded. You must keep your light shining, keep you light away from others, keep your light solely for you. Keep it safe because it is fragile and it is rare and easily stifled, easily lost. It may dim at times and it may blaze, accept that. Do not judge that. Accept yourself with all of yourself. Keep your light alive, stay TRUE to yourself, stay true to who you are and what you stand for. Always stay true and stay shining bright.

?

Life is speeding by, ever-fast, ever-quick. Did you notice?

You want someone who will give you the world. The world and his entire self.

He may not be a 10, or a 9, or an 8. He may be a 7. But, his heart is a 10, his heart is a 15, a 20. You want someone who will give you his heart, his whole heart and everything. You want someone who would do anything for you, for family, for your relationship. You want someone who will give you the world, who will give you his entire self. You want someone who will be there, who is committed to love, to life, to you, to your future children, to your futures together. You want someone who shares your dreams, your vision, someone who sees…. a beautiful life. Someone who is passionate and strong and willing and able. Someone who is dedicated and determined. You want someone unwavering. 

You want someone who will give you the world. The world and his entire self. 

You affected me

The following thoughts are streaming through my head:

I wonder why I still think of you. I wonder why I can’t quit you. I wonder why you have this affect on me. I wonder why you changed me. How you changed me. I wonder if that was supposed to happen. Like part of some big, grand plan. Like one part of my journey that had to happen. You, you weren’t supposed to affect me. You weren’t supposed to move me. But you did. Oh how you did. I’m not sure when, or how, but you moved me beyond. I fell for you, unexpectedly, and hard. I fell, unknowingly. You have that effect on people, you know that right? You had that effect on me. I went from being too good for you to adoring you. Pining, craving, longing to be with you. I wanted it so badly, I wanted you and I wanted us. I think I still do. But, you, in all your charm and wit, you didn’t have me. It wasn’t like that. No, you didn’t reject me. We didn’t have this big falling out. It wasn’t like that. You simply chose her. While I was off to the sidelines, perhaps you treated her the same way you treated me. Perhaps better. You chose her, and when I learned this, it… well it almost broke me. How could I have been so wrong about us, about my feelings and about yours towards me. You chose her, simply, you did. There’s no denying that. And I lost hope, I lost that flicker, that joy. It felt like a knife, you know the cliche saying, a knife in the heart. Well it felt like that, again and again. I mean. I gave you my emotions! I changed my mind about you, I wanted to be with you, I could see us holding hands, embraced… I could see us together. I pictured us together. It seemed so right and good and just real. You broke my heart. You left a void in my chest, you took something that I was afraid to feel. You left me vulnerable and alone. I never thought you’d do that to me. You left me. You left us. You gave up on the idea of us. Lost hope, lost opportunity. 

I wonder if you knew. I wonder if I should have told you. If only, if only. Hindsight, right? I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if she makes you happy. I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if you would leave her for me. I wonder what we could have been. I wonder if you loved me. I wonder if I loved you. I wonder why these series of events were part of the days of our lives. 

And. What makes me even more sad, and what I cry about again and again, is that I cannot be the same around you. I think that period of us, together, whatever it was, friends or you name it, I think it’s done. I think it can never be the same. It feels like you’re gone, like you’re slowly disappearing from my life. It feels like you chose her, you chose to love her and you left me here, in pieces, uncertain, questioning my worth, my self. You left me here. You left. 

Miles and Miles

I can see for miles and miles and miles.

Stretches of road under a starry night.

And all I can think of is you.

Years ago

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down

Finding love

Finding love is like finding light.

status update

currently coping with uncertainty.

Fear

It’s dark. It’s dark, and dank, and musky in here. Where I am, it’s a place with little hope, perhaps just a flicker, perhaps my eternal flicker. But it’s dark, and quiet, and solomn. It’s a place I try to avoid, it’s a place I don’t want to be. It’s a place of self-pity, of loss. A place of self-doubt, and judgement, and questions of self-worth. Full of insecurity and honesty, full of doubts and questions, full of fear. Full of fear. 

You chose her

I built a home for you, for me. In my heart…..you had a home. I saw us together. I saw us holding one another. You had me, you could so easily have me. You had me by the touch of your hand, the warm of your skin. You had me with your sweet, sweet smile. You had me with your kindness, with your care. You had me.

I built a home for us, in my heart, in my mind. I saw us together, happy. I saw us together and in love. I saw us, and it was spectacular. I saw us kissing, I saw us embracing, I saw me in your arms, wrapped up in your strong arms. I saw my body melt into yours. I saw hope, I saw happiness. 

We could have been great, I mean really great. I know we could have. We could have been something special, something to treasure, something sacred.

But you chose her, you care for her. I’m not sure how, I’m not sure how we could not possibly be, it seems so right, so natural…. so necessary. How can you be with her? What do you see in her? What do you see in her that you don’t see in me? Why her? Why not me? Why would you give up on us. We would have been great, we would have been beautiful together. I mean really, really good. She, well she is pleasant. But she doesn’t have the fire, the desire that I have for you. I don’t see it, I don’t think I ever will. It just breaks my heart, and I mean really breaks my heart that you don’t see us. I don’t understand, I don’t get it, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. Why not me? Why not us? I had such high hopes, I saw us, I saw us for the long run. I saw us forever. I saw us laughing, and loving, and in such peace, such comfort with each other. I saw us living our lives with each other. I saw us. 

And now you are with her. Do you see her, do you really see her in your life? In your arms? In your embrace? Do you love her? Does she fulfill you? Does she live and breathe to be with you. Because, I do. At least I used to. And may still do. How pitiful, how sad that I have to move on. I have to give up on such a beautiful dream. I have to give up on us. It would have been magical. It would have been so wonderful. I wonder…. I wonder… 

I just can’t get you out of my mind. Now that you’re gone, moved on, perhaps never thought of me. I wonder if you ever thought of me. We shared embraces, we shared a lot. But I wonder if you ever thought of me the way I thought, and I still think of you. I can’t get you out of my mind, each and every day, every hour I find myself thinking of you, pondering, wishing, and wondering. I find myself imagining, dreaming. I find myself hoping that you will leave her, and that we can be together. The way it should be, the way it’s supposed to be. But… alas, no. I keep my thoughts to myself, I try to distance myself from you… while it’s so hard to be away from you, I think it may be best. 

I sadly drag my feet, and try to move on. I try to push you out of my mind, I try to block the intrusive thoughts. I try to forget, I try to not cry. I try to move on, I try to see a life without you, I try to see how you are not right for me. I force myself to see your faults, to see why, somehow, why we could not be. And when I see you both together, I look away. Because that just breaks my heart again. That just reminds me that you chose her, that you didn’t choose me, that you didn’t want me. You. Didn’t. Want. Me. It just makes me cry…. and I can’t let you see me cry. I can’t let you see me this way, I can’t let you know the truth, what’s in my heart. 

Oh, we could have been great. We could have been something to remember. 

Light

I crave the light, I crave that beauty, that bright, startling, blinding beauty. The kind of beauty you can’t help but look at, the kind of beauty you cant help up gaze at, stare at, the blinding beauty, that  is so bright. It’s like nothing else, it’s so pure and rich and deep and true, and good, and full. It fills you up, it washes away everything else. I want to see that beauty, that true blinding light. I want to bask in the beauty. 

Only a few know it, only a few, a lucky few get to see it. Get to revel in it, get to appreciate it for all that it is, get to truly understand the depth of it. 

I want to see the light, I want to see truth, and beauty, and I want to be filled by it, every inch of me, I want to feel it. I want to feel it. 

True beauty, it’s there, it’s out there. True, blinding, bright, beauty.. well it makes you cry. To live a life… to know it… to see the light. Ah, what a dream. I want to feel it, I want to breathe it, I want to know it, I want to bask in the light of beauty and truth. I can sense it, I am just on the cusp, or perhaps it’s at the cusp where you find true beauty, where you are in this very moment, in this VERY moment. Yes, I am here, alive, honest. I am here, breathing, writing, expressing, I am here listening. I am here trying to break through, trying to discover, trying to uncover. Ah, it’s wonderful, to be in this state of mind, searching. Loving. 

But all I can see, all I can imagine, all I can dream up, is a bright, blinding light. With me, standing there, eyes shrouded, squinting but staring in to the deep bright light. Tears, and happiness. It’s a blissful moment. It’s perfection.

It’s peace. 

the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment

let the politicians figure it out. let them fight the fights. let the soldiers go to battle.

sometimes, I think it’s all overwhelming. I think all that is here, on this earth, it’s too much–all the people, all the suffering, all the fighting, all the arguments, all the killing, all the sadness, all the joy, all the beauty, all the births and all the deaths, all the life changes, all the milestones, all the relationships, all the animals, all the diversity, all the open spaces, all the deep oceans, all the stars in the sky, all the vastness, all the evolution, all the religion, all the politics, all the thoughts, all the beliefs, all the misunderstandings, all the relationships, all the marriages, all the families, all the childhoods, all the nightmares, all the fears, all the faith, all the rivers, all the trees, all the woods, all the shorelines, all the specs of sand, all the cars, all the planes, all the trains, all the poverty, all the disease, all the hunger, all the hopelessness, all the damaged, all the injustice, all the talk, all the noise, all of it. All of it, constant and real.

how does one wrap one’s mind around all of it, constantly changing, morphing, evolving? how does one keep track? how does one make any sense out of everything? It’s terrifying, and amazing, sad and joyous, earth-shattering and awesome. It everything. And, when were in the middle of it, in the thick of this madness, in the center of the storm, in between foresight and hindsight, I can only find indescribable fear that one day, it will all be gone.

All of it, gone from memory, gone from conciousness. And the earth may not blink, not even pause for a moment, not even flinch. Time will go on, people will keep moving, talking, and the noise will only get louder.

I don’t understand. I cannot comprehend why there is such cruelty, such disregard. To experience something so awesome, so tantalizing, so inspiring, only to have to leave it, leaving not a trace and taking… nothing.

delicate

delicate

There is nothing else like it

Take a moment, and be amazed by something.

Stop, be present, and realize where you are right now.

Pause, and reflect upon how fascinating it is that millions upon millions of instances led up to who you are at. this. moment.

Ponder about how each and every day, the people you pass by, the people you make eye contact with, the people you speak to, you laugh with, you cry with, you negotiate with, you get angry with, you make love with, you grow old with… those people, ALL those people have a story, have an immense history, have a childhood, have a past. And their stories are etched within the wrinkles on their faces, imbedded in their voices, stitched in their clothing… it’s who they are. Their stories make them who they are.

Breathe, breathe in this life, the wonder that surrounds you, breathe in the fact that you get to see the sun rise, that you get to fall in love, that you get to climb mountains, that you get to witness life as it comes into this world, that you get to feel pure happiness.

Please, I beg of you, please take notice, please be present, please realize that you, all the complexity that you are, all that you get to be, do, achieve, in this life… well it is absolutely magnificent. There is nothing else like it.

Delicate Arch

Delicate Arch

What is it?

What makes you? Is it simply your biology, eons of evolution and adaptation? Or is it more? Is it your beliefs, is it your home, is it your family, is it your town, is it your culture, is it your experiences, is it your music, is it your art, is it your voice, is it your thoughts, is it your dreams, is it your love, is it your passion, is it your drive, is it your curiosity, is it your sadness, is it your speed, is it your convictions, is it your pride, is it your hope, is it your ignorance, is it your past, is it your future, is it your present? What is it?