Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for LIVE

I want to LIVE before I die

Life is a funny thing. We get so involved in trying to persist, trying to last another day, trying to keep up with work, a social life, a love life, personal hobbies etc. We get so wrapped up in our daily little lives—And we forget to live. Please understand me when I say “live” not in the sense of living, breathing, or surviving. But truly living—I feel only a few have accomplished this. This sense of trying to learn for the sake of knowledge, trying to strive for something much greater, trying to be so much better, trying to find some sort of meaning that would justify it all. This idea of appreciating, on a much deeper level, the earth, the wind, the human condition. Viewing life, not as a curse, or something to just “live” through, struggle through, detesting any hardships and indulging in guilty desires. Viewing life as an opportunity, a chance that may never, ever come again, a chance that only happens once, and only happens for a few. The lucky few, living right now, in this moment, in this moment.

 

Oh! I want to live my life like this. Appreciating so deeply, and valuing my life to the extent that it would be unfathomable to waste a day, an hour, a single second. Packing my every moment of existence with meaningful experiences—viewing the world in all its glory, having worthy relationships with people, and being a true, independent, peaceful person. I want all of this! I want love, I want to travel to see it all—poverty, decay, wealth, and the avant-garde, I want meaning, I want to enjoy everyday, I want to be the person I conjure up in my head, I want to be proud of what I have become, and the morals I live by. Oh! I dread mediocrity, completely!

 

And when I die, when we all die, I want to be Okay. I want to be able to say, truthfully, that I have fulfilled all I ever dreamed in my lifetime, without major regrets. That I was bold, confident, beautiful, and brought meaning into my life. But, as it is right now, I’m terrified of death, of what it means literally, what it represents. An end, complete and blunt. No second chances…not one. It surprises me how, some days, I’m so ignorant to the death, creeping slowly. Maybe it’s some subconscious fear, maybe I force myself not to imagine it, therefore making it nonexistent for a day, or a week. But it always pops up, it always returns. I hate it, I hate having to accept it, undeniably, because whether I like it or not, it’ll happen—so when it does, I want to be Okay. I feel those who have terminal diseases get to stare into death’s haunting face much more often, and therefore get to live (in the true sense) deeper and truer. But, in essence, we are all terminal and we all going to die. So, I need to try to live, each day, staring into death’s terrifying eyes, forcing myself to be better, and get the most and best out of life.

 

I want to LIVE before I die. I want a lot.

oh MY god

I’m sitting next to Gods! Can you imagine? Sitting next to those godly beings, those golden perfected beings? I’m at the cusp! At the cusp of something great!! I can feel it and taste it…it’s so frighteningly close! I have to push, it takes a lot. It’s like this huge massive amazing journey, this grand push, grand and final and ultimately life changing push!

Oh MY god, what holding me back, holding my hands, and pulling, harder and harder each day? Sure I make leaps and bounds every so often, but then, the next day and the next day and the next day, I step back, one at a time, one after the other, I lose quite slowly. A slow defeat. Drowning in mediocrity!

I feel it in my HEART. I feel it—the blood gushing through my veins, the chills that sprint down my spine, the water pounding, dripping, and drilling on my skull, I feel it! Oh MY god!

I sense something greater, greater than I’ve ever known! Honestly, I can honestly say this is true! I feel it must be true, for if it’s not, there would be Nothing else left! It has to be true, it has to! The quest—it’s what my life has to be defined by. It’s building up, like pressure, building and building and growing and building! And then, the release. .the release. The gush, the surge, the amazing wonderment, this higher than bliss feeling, Higher and higher and higher than anything, it’s that moment!

Oh I can only imagine! To reach that moment! Maybe it’s inconceivable, maybe it never happens, maybe it simply and forever, eternally never ever never happens. Maybe it’s something we just live for, something that we hope and pray and live for, but never happens. Maybe that’s the point.

))((

I’m not so much as scared to die, as I am to not have enough time–time to live freely, love passionately, time to find my place and belonging in this vast, forever-reaching universe.