Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for Love

Here’s what I deserve

Actually no. It’s not what I deserve. And I don’t think anyone deserves this. I think you’re just lucky… I think you have to be lucky to find love. To find someone compatible. To find someone else who complements you in the best ways. So here’s what I’m hopeful for: 

I hope to find someone wonderful. Someone passionate and kind. Someone family oriented. Someone who works hard, for not just himself, but the both of us. I hope to find someone who is handsome, who has strong arms and strong hands. Someone who can carry the weight of my endless aspirations, hopes and dreams on his shoulders along with his. I want someone who I’m so utterly attracted to. Someone whose outer beauty, while quite beautiful, pales to his inner beauty. I want someone tall, who can see the world a little differently than I can. I want someone loving. I want someone who holds me in his arms. I someone who will play with my hair as I lay my head on his bare chest, listening to his heart, feeling his warmth. I want someone whose touch sparks something in me. Someone that makes me feel giddy, and happy. Someone that fills my life with laughter, and I his. I want someone who will support me and stand by my side. I want someone who will listen, who will let me cry on his shoulder. I want someone who wants to build a life with me, who wants to have babies and start a loving family. I want someone whose hand will fit my hand, and only my hand. I want someone who loves life, who wants to explore and who wants to live freely because we only live once. I want someone I connect with, I mean really connect. I want someone who will fill my heart, my lungs, and my entire being with love.

Deserve? I don’t think any one being deserves love more than the next. But I’m hopeful. I’m hopeful.

I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies

Show me something new, something different something fresh. I want to see it all, and I don’t think I have yet. I want to see the greatest of goods, and while it scares me, I know I will see the worst of bads. I am young, and bright-eyed, and I hope to stay that way. Forever. I hope to stay curious and hopeful. I hope to always have that light burning inside, that unanswered and eternal question “what does it all mean?” I hope that never leaves me. And I don’t think it will. I want to see what the world, and this life, and what the human condition has to offer. I want to see all of the intricacies. I want to explore them. I want to have a lover, and be foolish in love. I want to travel the world. I want to do good. I want to be confident. I want to remain healthy and strong and powerful. I want to find a man who cannot take his eyes off of me. I want to find someone to hold me tight, and who never wants to let me go. I want to connect to people and hear their stories. I want to see the struggle in their eyes. I want to know the beautiful places in this world. All of them. It almost seems impossible for one person to capture all of nature’s diversity. But I’ll try, don’t you worry. I want to be a poet. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a dreamer. I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies. I want to be a dancer. I want to be an athlete. I want to be all of these things, in this lifetime. And I think I will.

A beating heart

I look inside, and I see my heart. Beating, red, pulsing with life, humming with curiosity. I can feel the rhythm. I can feel it beating, again and again. I can feel it pumping effortlessly, gracefully. It’s brimming with life, with energy, with promise.

Love, it’s random

Sometimes I wonder where he is… right now… you know, the person I’m supposed to be with. I guess “supposed to” is not the right phrase, because I don’t believe we are destined to be with one person. I believe it’s random, completely and utterly random who we end up with. Oh sure, we date and we have relationships and we fall in love and we choose who we want to be with… but what if that faithful day never happened. What if you didn’t walk into that cafe, bookstore or bar. What if you never met that person… well, some may suggest that the universe has a way of bringing you both together, that it’s fate, that eventually what should be, will be. But, I’m not so sure. I believe, perhaps, that if, on that fateful day, you failed to run into that person, then that’s it. It would have never happened, you would have never met and the randomness of the universe would continue. But, you would walk into a cafe, bookstore or bar another day… and meet another person, and fall in love, and get married and start a family. I believe that. I believe that it’s all random. I think we just have to be lucky enough to be somewhere at the right time in the right place to meet someone right.

Now, I used to worry. A lot. I used to worry about major life decisions. I used to wonder if I was making the correct decisions, if I had chosen the correct university to go to, if I had chosen the correct apartment to live in, if I had chosen the correct subjects to study, if I had chosen the correct career to go into. I questioned every minute decision. I wondered, what if I was supposed to do something, that would completely and utterly change the direction of my life. What if I made a wrong turn, minute or grand, what if I missed out on something important, something grand, something that was supposed to be, something that would have made my life the life I strive for, the life I hope for. What if I missed the chance of meeting him. That was my biggest fear. What if I missed him. What if we missed each other in the chaos that is our day to day lives. How tragic, how utterly tragic and sad.

 

But, I don’t think we live with such high stakes. And if we do, there is no way to know. There is no way to know if each and every decision we are making are the right ones, the ones that are “supposed to” happen. And therefore, I have come to the conclusion that it’s random. It’s uncontrolled and unpredictable. And today, I am ever-close and extremely far from meeting my future lover, partner, husband.

 

But I still wonder where he is, the one I will eventually end up with… whoever he is. I don’t believe in “the one,” but I do believe there is one man that I will end up with… and I wonder what he is doing… right. now.

My heart

My heart is so full. It wants so much- of life, of love, of family, of affirmation. It yearns, it craves, it hungers. 

I give in

Sometimes I give into the hopeless thoughts, those negative ones. Those dark and heavy ones. Those thoughts that make you question and wonder. Those thoughts that make you self-doubt and give in. Those thoughts that make you cry and cry.

You want someone who will give you the world. The world and his entire self.

He may not be a 10, or a 9, or an 8. He may be a 7. But, his heart is a 10, his heart is a 15, a 20. You want someone who will give you his heart, his whole heart and everything. You want someone who would do anything for you, for family, for your relationship. You want someone who will give you the world, who will give you his entire self. You want someone who will be there, who is committed to love, to life, to you, to your future children, to your futures together. You want someone who shares your dreams, your vision, someone who sees…. a beautiful life. Someone who is passionate and strong and willing and able. Someone who is dedicated and determined. You want someone unwavering. 

You want someone who will give you the world. The world and his entire self. 

keeping hope alive for love

I saw the grim face and the hopelessness of a life without love, late in age this weekend. Truly a sad reality that I certainly don’t wish upon anyone and that I desperately, desperately wish to avoid. It’s sad really, someone who craves love, wants love, would be a wonderful partner and lover, but cannot simply find the one. Or not so simply. 

It’s heart-wrenching really, because time waits for no one, and those who don’t have the timing down, who don’t have “figure it out” soon enough, may be stuck without love, without marriage, without a family. And here I am, still young, but not that young. I used to be hopeful that some wonderful man would walk into my life, and be drawn to me, to my light and to my being. I used to think love would come, because it had to. It simply had to. 

But the reality of it is, is that I’m starting to lose a little faith, a little hope. I’m starting to see the grim reality so many face. I’m starting to wonder if finding love is extremely close to impossibility. I’m starting to question if there are enough good men in the world, and if I will find one who compliments me, who could love me in the way I need to be loved. I’m starting to ask myself if I’m worthy of that kind of love, that deep and passionate and forever love. And, honestly, I think I am worthy, because I know I can equally give it, completely and utterly give that deep love to someone for the rest of our days. But where is this love? And how impossible is it  to find?

I wonder if I will find love, the kind of love we all dream of. I wonder how long I will need to wait, to be patient, and to be open. I wonder how long I can stand this uncertainty. It’s agonizing, really.

But, let me attempt to instill some hope, in me and perhaps in you.

In life, we truly only have ourselves. Just one human being. And to find someone to compliment every tendency, quality and characteristic that makes you is hard, almost impossible. But, as we journey through our lives, each and every day, I think it’s important to love yourself. To know that you are worthy of the deep love that you crave. To be open, to be hopeful, to never, ever, ever give up on yourself. And to keep trying, to keep on trying because giving up isn’t an option. Simply and completely. You must stand up for you, you must take pride in you, you must know, and I mean really know and believe that you are worth it. You deserve greatness, a great love. You deserve someone that will fulfill you and fill you. Be open, be kind, be patient and be unwavering if the belief, or rather the knowing, that you deserve love. In this fleeting and ever-rapid life that we all lead, as time zooms by us leaving us i a daze, keep your light alive. Don’t get bogged down, don’t get lost in the depressive thoughts, in the what-ifs, in the self-doubt. Never settle for something you know, in your heart, isn’t good enough. You know what you need, you know what’s good enough and what is possible. Because it’s possible, it’s rare and it’s hard and it may almost defeat your spirit, your mind and your entity. But don’t let it defeat you. Push. Push hard for yourself, for the beautiful future that I see in your eyes. 

Stay hopeful, stay open, stay honest, stay confident, stay sturdy. Stay beautiful.

In all, I sincerely believe that there are good people out there, there are good men, family men out there. I sincerely believe it. It’s about putting the best version of yourself out, into the world. The confident and calm, the life-loving and free-spirited version. And once your best version meets his, that’s where love can flourish. 

All we can hope for is that we will avail. 

 

He

I hate him because he didn’t see what I saw

I hate him because he broke my heart

I hate him because I could have loved him. I mean really loved him.

You affected me

The following thoughts are streaming through my head:

I wonder why I still think of you. I wonder why I can’t quit you. I wonder why you have this affect on me. I wonder why you changed me. How you changed me. I wonder if that was supposed to happen. Like part of some big, grand plan. Like one part of my journey that had to happen. You, you weren’t supposed to affect me. You weren’t supposed to move me. But you did. Oh how you did. I’m not sure when, or how, but you moved me beyond. I fell for you, unexpectedly, and hard. I fell, unknowingly. You have that effect on people, you know that right? You had that effect on me. I went from being too good for you to adoring you. Pining, craving, longing to be with you. I wanted it so badly, I wanted you and I wanted us. I think I still do. But, you, in all your charm and wit, you didn’t have me. It wasn’t like that. No, you didn’t reject me. We didn’t have this big falling out. It wasn’t like that. You simply chose her. While I was off to the sidelines, perhaps you treated her the same way you treated me. Perhaps better. You chose her, and when I learned this, it… well it almost broke me. How could I have been so wrong about us, about my feelings and about yours towards me. You chose her, simply, you did. There’s no denying that. And I lost hope, I lost that flicker, that joy. It felt like a knife, you know the cliche saying, a knife in the heart. Well it felt like that, again and again. I mean. I gave you my emotions! I changed my mind about you, I wanted to be with you, I could see us holding hands, embraced… I could see us together. I pictured us together. It seemed so right and good and just real. You broke my heart. You left a void in my chest, you took something that I was afraid to feel. You left me vulnerable and alone. I never thought you’d do that to me. You left me. You left us. You gave up on the idea of us. Lost hope, lost opportunity. 

I wonder if you knew. I wonder if I should have told you. If only, if only. Hindsight, right? I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if she makes you happy. I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if you would leave her for me. I wonder what we could have been. I wonder if you loved me. I wonder if I loved you. I wonder why these series of events were part of the days of our lives. 

And. What makes me even more sad, and what I cry about again and again, is that I cannot be the same around you. I think that period of us, together, whatever it was, friends or you name it, I think it’s done. I think it can never be the same. It feels like you’re gone, like you’re slowly disappearing from my life. It feels like you chose her, you chose to love her and you left me here, in pieces, uncertain, questioning my worth, my self. You left me here. You left. 

Miles and Miles

I can see for miles and miles and miles.

Stretches of road under a starry night.

And all I can think of is you.

Finding love

Finding love is like finding light.

Fear

It’s dark. It’s dark, and dank, and musky in here. Where I am, it’s a place with little hope, perhaps just a flicker, perhaps my eternal flicker. But it’s dark, and quiet, and solomn. It’s a place I try to avoid, it’s a place I don’t want to be. It’s a place of self-pity, of loss. A place of self-doubt, and judgement, and questions of self-worth. Full of insecurity and honesty, full of doubts and questions, full of fear. Full of fear. 

You chose her

I built a home for you, for me. In my heart…..you had a home. I saw us together. I saw us holding one another. You had me, you could so easily have me. You had me by the touch of your hand, the warm of your skin. You had me with your sweet, sweet smile. You had me with your kindness, with your care. You had me.

I built a home for us, in my heart, in my mind. I saw us together, happy. I saw us together and in love. I saw us, and it was spectacular. I saw us kissing, I saw us embracing, I saw me in your arms, wrapped up in your strong arms. I saw my body melt into yours. I saw hope, I saw happiness. 

We could have been great, I mean really great. I know we could have. We could have been something special, something to treasure, something sacred.

But you chose her, you care for her. I’m not sure how, I’m not sure how we could not possibly be, it seems so right, so natural…. so necessary. How can you be with her? What do you see in her? What do you see in her that you don’t see in me? Why her? Why not me? Why would you give up on us. We would have been great, we would have been beautiful together. I mean really, really good. She, well she is pleasant. But she doesn’t have the fire, the desire that I have for you. I don’t see it, I don’t think I ever will. It just breaks my heart, and I mean really breaks my heart that you don’t see us. I don’t understand, I don’t get it, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. Why not me? Why not us? I had such high hopes, I saw us, I saw us for the long run. I saw us forever. I saw us laughing, and loving, and in such peace, such comfort with each other. I saw us living our lives with each other. I saw us. 

And now you are with her. Do you see her, do you really see her in your life? In your arms? In your embrace? Do you love her? Does she fulfill you? Does she live and breathe to be with you. Because, I do. At least I used to. And may still do. How pitiful, how sad that I have to move on. I have to give up on such a beautiful dream. I have to give up on us. It would have been magical. It would have been so wonderful. I wonder…. I wonder… 

I just can’t get you out of my mind. Now that you’re gone, moved on, perhaps never thought of me. I wonder if you ever thought of me. We shared embraces, we shared a lot. But I wonder if you ever thought of me the way I thought, and I still think of you. I can’t get you out of my mind, each and every day, every hour I find myself thinking of you, pondering, wishing, and wondering. I find myself imagining, dreaming. I find myself hoping that you will leave her, and that we can be together. The way it should be, the way it’s supposed to be. But… alas, no. I keep my thoughts to myself, I try to distance myself from you… while it’s so hard to be away from you, I think it may be best. 

I sadly drag my feet, and try to move on. I try to push you out of my mind, I try to block the intrusive thoughts. I try to forget, I try to not cry. I try to move on, I try to see a life without you, I try to see how you are not right for me. I force myself to see your faults, to see why, somehow, why we could not be. And when I see you both together, I look away. Because that just breaks my heart again. That just reminds me that you chose her, that you didn’t choose me, that you didn’t want me. You. Didn’t. Want. Me. It just makes me cry…. and I can’t let you see me cry. I can’t let you see me this way, I can’t let you know the truth, what’s in my heart. 

Oh, we could have been great. We could have been something to remember. 

Light

I crave the light, I crave that beauty, that bright, startling, blinding beauty. The kind of beauty you can’t help but look at, the kind of beauty you cant help up gaze at, stare at, the blinding beauty, that  is so bright. It’s like nothing else, it’s so pure and rich and deep and true, and good, and full. It fills you up, it washes away everything else. I want to see that beauty, that true blinding light. I want to bask in the beauty. 

Only a few know it, only a few, a lucky few get to see it. Get to revel in it, get to appreciate it for all that it is, get to truly understand the depth of it. 

I want to see the light, I want to see truth, and beauty, and I want to be filled by it, every inch of me, I want to feel it. I want to feel it. 

True beauty, it’s there, it’s out there. True, blinding, bright, beauty.. well it makes you cry. To live a life… to know it… to see the light. Ah, what a dream. I want to feel it, I want to breathe it, I want to know it, I want to bask in the light of beauty and truth. I can sense it, I am just on the cusp, or perhaps it’s at the cusp where you find true beauty, where you are in this very moment, in this VERY moment. Yes, I am here, alive, honest. I am here, breathing, writing, expressing, I am here listening. I am here trying to break through, trying to discover, trying to uncover. Ah, it’s wonderful, to be in this state of mind, searching. Loving. 

But all I can see, all I can imagine, all I can dream up, is a bright, blinding light. With me, standing there, eyes shrouded, squinting but staring in to the deep bright light. Tears, and happiness. It’s a blissful moment. It’s perfection.

It’s peace. 

All they could see was everything

The night was black, a deep, soul-wrenching black, with dark blue streaks and dazzling stars, like diamonds carelessly scattered across the horizon. A moon peered down below. And down below, a swirling ball, bright with life. As the moon peered below, she could see the earth teeming with life, culture, and hope. Throughout her time, nestled far above, the moon would come to know this place well, this place teeming with life, culture and hope. The moon learned the nature of war, the growth of a nation, the beast of oppression, and the power of freedom. The moon observed, through its ancient eyes, what beauty, and love, and fear truly meant. The moon came to know its people, over centuries, as they adapted to the restless beat of time.

 

The people grew weary and somber, holding the history of their forefathers and carrying evolution in their bones. As they gathered upon this silent night, with young children in their arms and awe in their eyes, they peered far far above. Past the soaring winds that shaped their land, past the long, white stretches of shapeless clouds. And up above, all they could see was everything. Infinite vastness of space, filled with mystery. And while the terrifying enormity of the unknown was felt, the beauty of its mystery escaped no one. With heads tilted back, the people gazed at the amorphous beauties of unparalleled power and reveled in the blazing glory of such heavenly objects. But, most of all, they peered at their all-knowing moon, an ageless guardian that held the weight of the world. 

Mercy of Nature

And here we are, here we find ourselves once again. At the mercy of nature and it’s astounding power, it’s beauty and it’s wrath, it’s fearsome complexity. And while we stand so tall and while we dream so large, nature takes it back in a moment, making men into minisculity once more. Forever reminding us that we are simply a spec in the universe, whipping around the sun again, and again, and again, and again…

hawaii. blue stars.

where am I? hum dee dum. Hawaii. blue stars. I want to hold you. waves crashing, warm and pure. swaying back and forth. beautiful beauty. I see you. eyebrows arched. Close your eyes and what do you see? What would you find? purple and yellow fading. strange. you never knew. we’re dancing and dancing and you’re throwing me around, i’m floating, i’m smiling, it’s wonderful. you’re wonderful. you’re so wonderful. dee dum. strange strange. i feel your heart, i can feel your pulse, i can feel the warm blood gushing. feels warm, it feels right. baby. fade into me.

I am, honestly and deeply, infatuated with the idea of you

I do this every time. I sit there, pining, imagining, concocting these wild fantasies in my head that you may, one day, just out of any ordinary day, notice me. See me. Look at me. Ponder about me. Think of me. Fantasize about me. I’d love it if you once, just once, looked at me with passion, with zeal, with ardor, with a longing.

When I see you pass me, when I see you walk by, my heart rate shoots. I literally feel my heart rate increase for a second, a minute palpitation, as if it has been shocked, as if electrodes jolted it. You have physiological effects on me. You face, it makes me melt, it makes me long. You smile, your boyish mannerisms, your gorgeous head of hair. I cant’ get enough. God damn.

But I’m not sure you see me. I sometimes catch you glimpse my way, sometimes see you looking at me from the corner of my eye. But I’m not sure you see me. I’ve longed for you, I’ve wanted you for much too long, and I want to let you go. I want to get rid of every feeling I have towards you, because they are useless. They are empty. They are meaningless, and most of all, they are too difficult to hold anymore. I am, honestly and deeply infatuated with the idea of you. I’ve created this God, this man, in my mind, this amazing and gorgeous man and I don’t think I know you, somehow I don’t think I ever will know you.

I want to let you go. I want to find a new man, a real man to fall in love with. A man who is amazing and handsome and sexy as hell, but more than anything, I want to be pursued, I want these feelings to be reciprocated. I want something new, fresh, and amazingly different than anything I’ve ever known.

But, over and over and over again, it seems that when you enter the room and when you gaze in my direction, my heart leaps, adrenaline pumps, and I fall more in love with this infatuation that I desperately want to become a reality.

That warmth that fills your heart with hot red blood

And you stand with hair pulled back, and your hands are pressing against your ears, and all you can hear is the pattering sound of water on your skull, your cranium, your mind. And then the water rushes in, and fills all voids, swishes around and around in your mind, warm and fuzzy. Warm lights. Yellows and orange, it’s so peaceful, as if in back in the womb, when there was absolutely nothing, where there was just warmth, and light, and dim echoes of sounds, and the comforting sound of a mother’s heartbeat, of a mother’s voice. And your eyes are closed, and a slight smile sits on your lips, and you are cared for, and loved, and all is wondrful and beautiful because you are here, surrounded by warmth.

And then you open your eyes, and you see where you are, and  you see you. You see you and what you have become and you wonder what the hell you are doing right here, right now. If you have made ANY difference in this fucking world that you have been living in, so blindly. As if you haven’t started living, as if you are waiting for something good or great, something to change, some major life change  after which you will start living as the person you want to be, and you feel you need that fuckng push. That SHOVE. And it doesn’t come, and so you wait, and you slump, and your shoulders hunch, and your eyes lower, and your spirit withers, and all you have, all you hang onto is that little glimmering hope that ONE DAY that change will come. It will bring you up, lift you high and take you across, where all is good and wonderful, where life begins, and where you so desperately belong. And as you wait, and wait, and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait, you see the fucking damage that this time, this torturous time has had on your rocky heart, and your wrinkled brow. And then self-pity sets in.

And all you want to do is crawl back into that warm place. That warmth that fills your heart with hot red blood and flushes your cheeks. That place that you know was the one place where you were sure, and all you had to do was close your eyes, rest your mind, and feel soft pulses, plush sounds, calm breaths. Just be still.

I’m one day older, one day weaker, one day closer to a final day I’m not ready for

I feel I’ve tainted this blog. It’s pessimistic. It’s just that I’m not in a good place right now. I am so desperate for something beautiful it’s driving me insane. Literally stuck in such sluggish normality. I get frustrated, I get stuck. I feel stuck. I need something different, something good, something really good and new and refreshing and exciting. Something that makes my heart race and my palms sweat. Something that makes me giddy as I bite my lip, trying to hold it in. I want to feel my heart race, I want to feel it accelerate and beat rapid beats. I want to feel my heart.

I hate my timidness, my desperateness. I hate when I shut my mouth, when I choose not to. When I don’t just act, just do what I know I can, could.

I’m not writing well. I used to be better. I used to be inspired and ready. I used to be expressive, open. But, I’ve never really been bold. Never.

I’m afraid what will happen if I’m not. Boldness is tough, it’s like putting yourself out there, in the open, and just being totally honest and truthful it’s completely freshing.

Stop holding back, stop stop stop. Life is ending. You just lived another day. Another day out of your limited days. Another day passed, another day that will never come back. Another chance that slowly swept away.

I’m one day older, one day weaker, one day closer to a final day I’m not ready for.

Everything will be okay

I find myself thinking about death… not in a scary, suicidal way, but in a way where I’m trying to understand it, wrap my mind around the finality of it all, truly understand what the ultimate fate is. And there are so many different angles I see. Some days… well some days I forget. I live life as if I will always live, forever, and therefore I live it carelessly. And other days, those days when reality feels real, I start to feel the fear. The anxiety and worry seep out as mind chatter reminds me, this life, this life will end. There will be a time, and a place, a point in space, where you will end. Anything and everything about your essence will cease. For me, this is the most frightening this there is, I shudder and my heart breaks. How can this be? Me? Me! It’s as hard for me to comprehend as it would be to visualize the 7th dimension. I can’t understand! Truly, it’s so hard to first understand, and moreover accept. Every year, I slowly drift by this date, unknowingly–the day when I will die. The day where everything else seems infinitely trivial, and all that occupies my mind is if everything will be okay. And then my forehead wrinkles, and I worry if I will find meaning, truth, love, and passion. I worry if I will have all the great things in life, see all the beautiful places, and more importantly meet the most beautiful people who will teach me truths of love and wisdom. I worry that I won’t get everything out of life, I won’t experience all that there is to experience, due to fears, embarrassment, self-consciousness, and any other psychological restraints. But, first, and foremost, I worry that I won’t experience love, true and passionate and unyielding love. 

I wonder about my impact on the world. I wonder if my existence make some type of impact? If my life is intertwined with hundreds or thousands of people, so that some how my death made a ripple in some small way throughout the world, and the far-reaching edges of the universe. I suppose this doesn’t matter- I mean I’m only living for me, but I would still wonder if I did any good, if I affected any and every person I’d ever met, or made eye-contact with.

And, then I start to question who I’d become when I will die. How old will I be, what morals and beliefs will I hold- it could be today, it could be in the next 10 minutes, I could die. That frightens me to no avail. But, I imagine myself old, dying peacefully. I hope I will someday be able to accept death as a natural process which no one can avoid. Something that is necessary, for immortality would get dull way too soon. That if there was no concept of an end, no one would have any inspiration to live, to expand into life, and to experience every moment for all it’s worth. I guess, death is the only thing pushing me forward- pushing me to accomplish anything I want, urging me to keep absorbing all of life’s offerings, for it’s a time limit we all have to meet; a deadline- literally.

I think about my state- I’ve visualized my lifeless body with eyes closed. And I ponder about what nail polish I will be wearing, what clothes will I have on, what molecules of air will forever be encased in my lungs due to my last and final breath. It’s an eerie concept to think that one week prior, while putting on that nail polish, I would have no idea that this was my last and final paint-job. I wonder… such odd things.

As it is, there are days when I get close to fully understanding the meaning and the reality of my death, my greatest fear. But, it’s becoming easier to see, easier to visualize, yet it still frightens me and probably always will.

I have to hope, I have to earnestly hope, that when it all ends…

when all that I know, all my comforts and all my memories end,

when I end,

everything will be okay

I want to LIVE before I die

Life is a funny thing. We get so involved in trying to persist, trying to last another day, trying to keep up with work, a social life, a love life, personal hobbies etc. We get so wrapped up in our daily little lives—And we forget to live. Please understand me when I say “live” not in the sense of living, breathing, or surviving. But truly living—I feel only a few have accomplished this. This sense of trying to learn for the sake of knowledge, trying to strive for something much greater, trying to be so much better, trying to find some sort of meaning that would justify it all. This idea of appreciating, on a much deeper level, the earth, the wind, the human condition. Viewing life, not as a curse, or something to just “live” through, struggle through, detesting any hardships and indulging in guilty desires. Viewing life as an opportunity, a chance that may never, ever come again, a chance that only happens once, and only happens for a few. The lucky few, living right now, in this moment, in this moment.

 

Oh! I want to live my life like this. Appreciating so deeply, and valuing my life to the extent that it would be unfathomable to waste a day, an hour, a single second. Packing my every moment of existence with meaningful experiences—viewing the world in all its glory, having worthy relationships with people, and being a true, independent, peaceful person. I want all of this! I want love, I want to travel to see it all—poverty, decay, wealth, and the avant-garde, I want meaning, I want to enjoy everyday, I want to be the person I conjure up in my head, I want to be proud of what I have become, and the morals I live by. Oh! I dread mediocrity, completely!

 

And when I die, when we all die, I want to be Okay. I want to be able to say, truthfully, that I have fulfilled all I ever dreamed in my lifetime, without major regrets. That I was bold, confident, beautiful, and brought meaning into my life. But, as it is right now, I’m terrified of death, of what it means literally, what it represents. An end, complete and blunt. No second chances…not one. It surprises me how, some days, I’m so ignorant to the death, creeping slowly. Maybe it’s some subconscious fear, maybe I force myself not to imagine it, therefore making it nonexistent for a day, or a week. But it always pops up, it always returns. I hate it, I hate having to accept it, undeniably, because whether I like it or not, it’ll happen—so when it does, I want to be Okay. I feel those who have terminal diseases get to stare into death’s haunting face much more often, and therefore get to live (in the true sense) deeper and truer. But, in essence, we are all terminal and we all going to die. So, I need to try to live, each day, staring into death’s terrifying eyes, forcing myself to be better, and get the most and best out of life.

 

I want to LIVE before I die. I want a lot.

Do ugly people find love?

I want to be in love! I love the idea of a boyfriend, of dating, of connecting with someone romantically… I so want it! SO BAD! It seems like everyone around me seems to find guys easily, as if it happens daily, no effort needed, it just happens. Seriously, it just happens for people! I don’t know how… maybe there is some truth in the idea of destiny, but destiny has left me in the dust as you can probably guess by now! Those people who find their soulmates on the subway, or waiting in line at Starbucks! I want that! That would be great, I’m so open to meeting someone randomly, and making a great connection. But, as it happens, it doesn’t. Maybe I’m too shy, too introverted, not confident enough… Maybe it’s hard for me because my self-esteem is pretty low…

 

Please understand, I’m not saying I want gorgeous men! Model types, who have abs and perfect teeth. I want a caring, funny, and just all-around great guy. In my past… well, there’s just not much boy-attention that I can recall… the only major thing that’s happened was when I went to the Dominican Republic, met a guy, we liked each other, we hung out and flirted, but that’s it. I left, and I’m sure he’s moved on!, Other than that, I have had crushes since elementary school… on SO many guys, too many to count! Ha. I guess had better luck in my younger days than now… I find that very sad…

 

 I crave so much more, I really want to find someone great. I don’t know how girls do it—those girls who have boyfriends constantly—they seem to fall in their laps.. And I’m not talking about gorgeous girls, but normal girls who have boys, a lot of boys… One of my great friends has had so many guys, has slept with guys both young and old, and has found her soulmate—did I mention we’re the same age?! She’s so lucky, and I’m really jealous of her for that… Maybe it’s my personality, I’ve really changed, and gotten so self-conscious, probably because of the lack of attention from guys. I am always trying to slim down, making myself think that I’ll be more beautiful, confident and outgoing if I’m comfortable with my body. That I’ll be happier once I lose weight, I’ll have more friends, and meet more people… I know it’s all about attitude, but it’s getting harder and harder to make genuine connections with people. I’ve gotten shy, self-conscious, depressed from lack of lovin’ and attention.

 

So it’s summer now. Lack of excitement, of different people, of LIVING… this summer is seriously sucking! I feel uninspired to do and  to go out,.. It breaks my heart, and this is what I hope to avoid—spending one day of my life wasted.. I seem to be doing that a lot these days… I think about food/calories way too much… and try to go to the gym as often as I can… I have this theory that if I live it right, if I live life right—with confidence, self-esteem, power, awareness, presence, knowledge… etc. then good things WILL happen to me. I’ve heard that when you decide and open yourself to love, love finds you… And so I have to try, step out of my comfort zone (a stifling and suffering little suffocation box of a zone) and really try. I need to realize that every day, the people I meet and the things I can CHOOSE to do will never come back; that if I don’t act, all I’ll be left with is a big ‘ol bucket of regret. I need to take advantage of the people around me, and the people I meet. Above all, I truly desire finding someone… finding LOVE asap! I’ve made this my new goal… so far, no luck.

 

(Oh- and to all the guys who are reading this! Please know, that shy and not-so-pretty girls also crave attention from you all just as much as the gorgeous bombshell model types. Most girls like to be pursued (like me), so guys, be BOLD, and ask us OUT!)

It’s been a while…

It’s been a while and I’m still trying to figure things out… still trying to find love, still searching for myself, still hoping to stand confident…

I love these lyrics:

“I used to rule the world 

Seas would rise when I gave the word 
Now in the morning I sleep alone 
Sweep the streets I used to own… 

It was the wicked and wild win 
Blew down the doors to let me in 
Shattered windows and the sound of drums 
People couldn’t believe what I’d become…”

-Viva la Vida, Coldplay