Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for mind

Heavy

My mind is heavy, it’s weary even in its youth. Weighed down by tired thoughts that seem to stream through on repeat again, and again. It’s as if my mind is a junkyard, filled with dust and debris scattered here and there. On one side there’s a stack of cars, piled perhaps 10 high, flattened and weathered with worn tires from the miles they traveled, from the world they have seen. On the other, broken and forgotten pieces of home, buried toys of a childhood that is long gone.

tonight, tonight

Let’s be totally honest right now. RIGHT NOW I’m going to be totally honest with what I want. What I desperately want this year, in 2010, is… I mean how do I even verbalize it, how do I quantify it, how do I explain the inner tumultuous state of my mind. My mind tumbles and thunders, and spins and whirls. It flips and dives, it hopes and prays. My mind reaches, reaches, reaches, searching to grasp onto anything tangible, anything real, anything true. My mind reaches for truth. My mind.

I find myself looking at myself. In the mirror. I see that I’m now no longer that young child with bright eyes. I see life wearing on me, my physical self. I hate that this life, THIS life is wearing me down, slowly, slowly wearing me down- and for what? WHY? why should I be picked apart, and broken down, atom by atom. I shouldn’t, I won’t! I’ll resist, and I’ll struggle, and I’ll try to keep myself on point, I try to keep myself moving up, striding only up.

My mind reaches for an answer. My mind searches for what’s right, for what’s good. Actually. That’s false. My mind doesn’t reach for what’s right and what’s good, I mind reaches for what is. Oh what I’d give to know what is. What IS , right now, right here, in this very sentence, in this very line, in this very WORD, what IS. Maybe this doesn’t make any sense… I feel myself getting off track- I wanted to write about what I want, what my goals are, and who I plan to become in this year, THIS year of 2010.

I love 2010. I love saying it, I love writing it, I love the symmetry, I love it’s evenness, I love how it represents a new decade of life and time that has never graced the oceans and deserts, never touched this universe before. I love how 2010 is completely new and fresh. And in some odd way, I feel that with 2010, twenty-ten, (ahh that feels so good!) I can start afresh and anew too. Perhaps this is naive and sophomoric. After all, it’s just a number, it’s just a representation of this period in our lives, this moment. It’s just category, just a number that allows us to believe that we are somehow and someway moving forward. As if time is dragging us forward, whether we’d like it or not. Time tugs on, while we dig our boots into the mud, struggling to slow it down, desperately trying to hold on to what is familiar, to what we know.

I’d like to pick my feet up out of the mud and allow 2010 to fling me forward. Like a rag doll flung from a slingshot, whooshing past nonbelievers who can’t seem to unclench their hand from the rungs of past days, and past ways. I’d like to fling forward. Where I end up, I’m not so sure.

“Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave, without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel

Believe, believe in me, believe, believe!
That life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different.
Tonight, tonight, tonight
So bright
Tonight, tonight”

-Smashing Pumpkins

That warmth that fills your heart with hot red blood

And you stand with hair pulled back, and your hands are pressing against your ears, and all you can hear is the pattering sound of water on your skull, your cranium, your mind. And then the water rushes in, and fills all voids, swishes around and around in your mind, warm and fuzzy. Warm lights. Yellows and orange, it’s so peaceful, as if in back in the womb, when there was absolutely nothing, where there was just warmth, and light, and dim echoes of sounds, and the comforting sound of a mother’s heartbeat, of a mother’s voice. And your eyes are closed, and a slight smile sits on your lips, and you are cared for, and loved, and all is wondrful and beautiful because you are here, surrounded by warmth.

And then you open your eyes, and you see where you are, and  you see you. You see you and what you have become and you wonder what the hell you are doing right here, right now. If you have made ANY difference in this fucking world that you have been living in, so blindly. As if you haven’t started living, as if you are waiting for something good or great, something to change, some major life change  after which you will start living as the person you want to be, and you feel you need that fuckng push. That SHOVE. And it doesn’t come, and so you wait, and you slump, and your shoulders hunch, and your eyes lower, and your spirit withers, and all you have, all you hang onto is that little glimmering hope that ONE DAY that change will come. It will bring you up, lift you high and take you across, where all is good and wonderful, where life begins, and where you so desperately belong. And as you wait, and wait, and wait and wait and wait and wait and wait, you see the fucking damage that this time, this torturous time has had on your rocky heart, and your wrinkled brow. And then self-pity sets in.

And all you want to do is crawl back into that warm place. That warmth that fills your heart with hot red blood and flushes your cheeks. That place that you know was the one place where you were sure, and all you had to do was close your eyes, rest your mind, and feel soft pulses, plush sounds, calm breaths. Just be still.