Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for random

Love, it’s random

Sometimes I wonder where he is… right now… you know, the person I’m supposed to be with. I guess “supposed to” is not the right phrase, because I don’t believe we are destined to be with one person. I believe it’s random, completely and utterly random who we end up with. Oh sure, we date and we have relationships and we fall in love and we choose who we want to be with… but what if that faithful day never happened. What if you didn’t walk into that cafe, bookstore or bar. What if you never met that person… well, some may suggest that the universe has a way of bringing you both together, that it’s fate, that eventually what should be, will be. But, I’m not so sure. I believe, perhaps, that if, on that fateful day, you failed to run into that person, then that’s it. It would have never happened, you would have never met and the randomness of the universe would continue. But, you would walk into a cafe, bookstore or bar another day… and meet another person, and fall in love, and get married and start a family. I believe that. I believe that it’s all random. I think we just have to be lucky enough to be somewhere at the right time in the right place to meet someone right.

Now, I used to worry. A lot. I used to worry about major life decisions. I used to wonder if I was making the correct decisions, if I had chosen the correct university to go to, if I had chosen the correct apartment to live in, if I had chosen the correct subjects to study, if I had chosen the correct career to go into. I questioned every minute decision. I wondered, what if I was supposed to do something, that would completely and utterly change the direction of my life. What if I made a wrong turn, minute or grand, what if I missed out on something important, something grand, something that was supposed to be, something that would have made my life the life I strive for, the life I hope for. What if I missed the chance of meeting him. That was my biggest fear. What if I missed him. What if we missed each other in the chaos that is our day to day lives. How tragic, how utterly tragic and sad.

 

But, I don’t think we live with such high stakes. And if we do, there is no way to know. There is no way to know if each and every decision we are making are the right ones, the ones that are “supposed to” happen. And therefore, I have come to the conclusion that it’s random. It’s uncontrolled and unpredictable. And today, I am ever-close and extremely far from meeting my future lover, partner, husband.

 

But I still wonder where he is, the one I will eventually end up with… whoever he is. I don’t believe in “the one,” but I do believe there is one man that I will end up with… and I wonder what he is doing… right. now.

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Fate, you out there?

I want to believe in fate. I want to know the comfort that someday, fate will bring someone amazing into my life, or something incredible that will turn my world upside down. But I always have that small doubt, in the dark, suspicious corners of my mind: what if it won’t happen? What if I already passed up that opportunity and it’s never, ever coming back? What if I made the wrong decesion? What if, by some long, convoluted, random series of events, I am not where I am supposed to be in this moment and time? And while I could be experiencing something inspiring and truly grand, I am here, waiting…waiting for it to come to me.

What if?

I want to believe that I have made sound decesions, that have led to a better me. I want to believe that I didn’t take a wrong turn years, or hours, or even seconds ago that will haunt me. I want to have that assurance that everytime I decided something, it was for a purpose that was necessary, good or bad, to shape me into who I am, and what I stand for in this moment. The people I met, the things I did, the lifestyle that I chose were all for some reason… But I realize, I will never have this assurance. I know that it isn’t possible to find out if I am living life the way I am suppose to. And so, I must accept what I have done, whether it was the best way to go about things, or if it was the worst possible decesion I could make, and move forward. I just hope, truly hope, that there are some opportunities and some people in my near and far future that will force me to grow, to love, to learn, to experience, to discover….