Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for tears

Light

I crave the light, I crave that beauty, that bright, startling, blinding beauty. The kind of beauty you can’t help but look at, the kind of beauty you cant help up gaze at, stare at, the blinding beauty, that  is so bright. It’s like nothing else, it’s so pure and rich and deep and true, and good, and full. It fills you up, it washes away everything else. I want to see that beauty, that true blinding light. I want to bask in the beauty. 

Only a few know it, only a few, a lucky few get to see it. Get to revel in it, get to appreciate it for all that it is, get to truly understand the depth of it. 

I want to see the light, I want to see truth, and beauty, and I want to be filled by it, every inch of me, I want to feel it. I want to feel it. 

True beauty, it’s there, it’s out there. True, blinding, bright, beauty.. well it makes you cry. To live a life… to know it… to see the light. Ah, what a dream. I want to feel it, I want to breathe it, I want to know it, I want to bask in the light of beauty and truth. I can sense it, I am just on the cusp, or perhaps it’s at the cusp where you find true beauty, where you are in this very moment, in this VERY moment. Yes, I am here, alive, honest. I am here, breathing, writing, expressing, I am here listening. I am here trying to break through, trying to discover, trying to uncover. Ah, it’s wonderful, to be in this state of mind, searching. Loving. 

But all I can see, all I can imagine, all I can dream up, is a bright, blinding light. With me, standing there, eyes shrouded, squinting but staring in to the deep bright light. Tears, and happiness. It’s a blissful moment. It’s perfection.

It’s peace. 

pour me out

I’m looking for something real. just…

open my eyes. I cry because I can’t

A mash-up

Reaching, kneeling down. Arms high above, hands even higher, muscles tighten. Reaching for something higher, but what? Trying to grasp the sky, trying to clench the sun, trying to hold onto clouds. A look of strained despair and subtle defeat, growing minute by minute.

Slowly defeat conquers, and it utterly drains.

 

These are pretty bad times; a funk that I can’t get out of, I can’t seem to pinpoint the start and I can’t foresee the end—all I know is times were better before, and I hope they get better soon. I dread the idea that the best times of my life have long passed. Right now, I’m overdue for some good, life-changing, eye-opening good.

 

The holidays, known for family, friends, and warmth and love, aren’t so this year. I recall other years where December was a great time! I used to feel on top of the world—I was pretty, and likeable, lovable, and popular. I had people. Now, I can’t help but to feel bipolar, trying to superficially get along with him and her, wishing that this superficial love and adoration would suffice and transform to a reality. But it is so not working.

 

I think I’m just in a bad place, I’m not being honest with myself. Every night I go to bed with such a defeated spirit, and every morning I wake up, feeling like today I could change the pattern, I could be good and true, today could be the day!—but I cannot even convince myself to believe that its feasible. And so I lie, to myself mostly. And, within an hour or so, the day becomes sour—words are exchanged, tears drip, harsh tones become permanent. I missed the sweet voices I used to hear, I miss the laughter and playfulness—it’s never as genuine as it used to be.

 

The new year approaches, and as usual, we hope, and a united human race, that the next year will be better and brighter and lovelier than the last. But is it ever? I’ll try to hope so, I’ll try…but every year, it’s harder and harder to be optimistic…

 

Just know that I’m overdue.

Overdue for some life-changing and eye-opening good.