Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for Thoughts

I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies

Show me something new, something different something fresh. I want to see it all, and I don’t think I have yet. I want to see the greatest of goods, and while it scares me, I know I will see the worst of bads. I am young, and bright-eyed, and I hope to stay that way. Forever. I hope to stay curious and hopeful. I hope to always have that light burning inside, that unanswered and eternal question “what does it all mean?” I hope that never leaves me. And I don’t think it will. I want to see what the world, and this life, and what the human condition has to offer. I want to see all of the intricacies. I want to explore them. I want to have a lover, and be foolish in love. I want to travel the world. I want to do good. I want to be confident. I want to remain healthy and strong and powerful. I want to find a man who cannot take his eyes off of me. I want to find someone to hold me tight, and who never wants to let me go. I want to connect to people and hear their stories. I want to see the struggle in their eyes. I want to know the beautiful places in this world. All of them. It almost seems impossible for one person to capture all of nature’s diversity. But I’ll try, don’t you worry. I want to be a poet. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a dreamer. I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies. I want to be a dancer. I want to be an athlete. I want to be all of these things, in this lifetime. And I think I will.

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A heavy heart

My heart feels heavy. I think it gets heavier as the years pass by. Things seem to get more real. Life seems to catch up to us. My heart feels weighed down, by the world’s problems and my own. It’s hard to explain, but I can feel such sorrow for so many. I feel sadness, I feel the pain of millions living in poverty, starving. I feel the toll on millions of children that will never enjoy a childhood like mine, that will never know what life could have been outside of their own. My heart aches for others, it’s something I carry with me, more and more as time goes on. And while I’m in search of my own happiness, I can’t help but wonder if my happiness is tied to theirs, to others’. I feel the weight of the world, wars and violence, struggle and hunger.. and I know there’s little that I can do, and there’s only so many people I can touch, and these issues will continue, likely until the end of days. It just hurts my heart to know that I led a life, a full life with such amazing experiences, that very few with know. Perhaps this is guilt I’m feeling, perhaps I feel undeserving. At times, I wonder if there is more pain than joy out there. Truly. I wonder. It’s a sad, sad thought to verbalize, but there’s just such injustice, such pain… Just in the people I’ve come to know, the people I’ve met all over the world, while they can make due and while they can find happiness in what they know, I know that they will never know a life like I have lived. Is it fair? I think it just is. I wonder, at times, what if I was in their position, in their shoes, living in such poverty, struggling to find shelter, to find food, to find safety. I’m not sure how I would cope, I wonder how resilient I would be. I’m ashamed, at times, when I realize how trivial my own problems are in the big scheme of things. I am ashamed, at times, when I realize how unappreciative, how ungrateful my thoughts can become…. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, my heart is heavy and it’s weighed down because when I compare my life to theirs, to others’, I wonder why I’m here and they are there.

I give in

Sometimes I give into the hopeless thoughts, those negative ones. Those dark and heavy ones. Those thoughts that make you question and wonder. Those thoughts that make you self-doubt and give in. Those thoughts that make you cry and cry.

keeping hope alive for love

I saw the grim face and the hopelessness of a life without love, late in age this weekend. Truly a sad reality that I certainly don’t wish upon anyone and that I desperately, desperately wish to avoid. It’s sad really, someone who craves love, wants love, would be a wonderful partner and lover, but cannot simply find the one. Or not so simply. 

It’s heart-wrenching really, because time waits for no one, and those who don’t have the timing down, who don’t have “figure it out” soon enough, may be stuck without love, without marriage, without a family. And here I am, still young, but not that young. I used to be hopeful that some wonderful man would walk into my life, and be drawn to me, to my light and to my being. I used to think love would come, because it had to. It simply had to. 

But the reality of it is, is that I’m starting to lose a little faith, a little hope. I’m starting to see the grim reality so many face. I’m starting to wonder if finding love is extremely close to impossibility. I’m starting to question if there are enough good men in the world, and if I will find one who compliments me, who could love me in the way I need to be loved. I’m starting to ask myself if I’m worthy of that kind of love, that deep and passionate and forever love. And, honestly, I think I am worthy, because I know I can equally give it, completely and utterly give that deep love to someone for the rest of our days. But where is this love? And how impossible is it  to find?

I wonder if I will find love, the kind of love we all dream of. I wonder how long I will need to wait, to be patient, and to be open. I wonder how long I can stand this uncertainty. It’s agonizing, really.

But, let me attempt to instill some hope, in me and perhaps in you.

In life, we truly only have ourselves. Just one human being. And to find someone to compliment every tendency, quality and characteristic that makes you is hard, almost impossible. But, as we journey through our lives, each and every day, I think it’s important to love yourself. To know that you are worthy of the deep love that you crave. To be open, to be hopeful, to never, ever, ever give up on yourself. And to keep trying, to keep on trying because giving up isn’t an option. Simply and completely. You must stand up for you, you must take pride in you, you must know, and I mean really know and believe that you are worth it. You deserve greatness, a great love. You deserve someone that will fulfill you and fill you. Be open, be kind, be patient and be unwavering if the belief, or rather the knowing, that you deserve love. In this fleeting and ever-rapid life that we all lead, as time zooms by us leaving us i a daze, keep your light alive. Don’t get bogged down, don’t get lost in the depressive thoughts, in the what-ifs, in the self-doubt. Never settle for something you know, in your heart, isn’t good enough. You know what you need, you know what’s good enough and what is possible. Because it’s possible, it’s rare and it’s hard and it may almost defeat your spirit, your mind and your entity. But don’t let it defeat you. Push. Push hard for yourself, for the beautiful future that I see in your eyes. 

Stay hopeful, stay open, stay honest, stay confident, stay sturdy. Stay beautiful.

In all, I sincerely believe that there are good people out there, there are good men, family men out there. I sincerely believe it. It’s about putting the best version of yourself out, into the world. The confident and calm, the life-loving and free-spirited version. And once your best version meets his, that’s where love can flourish. 

All we can hope for is that we will avail. 

 

You affected me

The following thoughts are streaming through my head:

I wonder why I still think of you. I wonder why I can’t quit you. I wonder why you have this affect on me. I wonder why you changed me. How you changed me. I wonder if that was supposed to happen. Like part of some big, grand plan. Like one part of my journey that had to happen. You, you weren’t supposed to affect me. You weren’t supposed to move me. But you did. Oh how you did. I’m not sure when, or how, but you moved me beyond. I fell for you, unexpectedly, and hard. I fell, unknowingly. You have that effect on people, you know that right? You had that effect on me. I went from being too good for you to adoring you. Pining, craving, longing to be with you. I wanted it so badly, I wanted you and I wanted us. I think I still do. But, you, in all your charm and wit, you didn’t have me. It wasn’t like that. No, you didn’t reject me. We didn’t have this big falling out. It wasn’t like that. You simply chose her. While I was off to the sidelines, perhaps you treated her the same way you treated me. Perhaps better. You chose her, and when I learned this, it… well it almost broke me. How could I have been so wrong about us, about my feelings and about yours towards me. You chose her, simply, you did. There’s no denying that. And I lost hope, I lost that flicker, that joy. It felt like a knife, you know the cliche saying, a knife in the heart. Well it felt like that, again and again. I mean. I gave you my emotions! I changed my mind about you, I wanted to be with you, I could see us holding hands, embraced… I could see us together. I pictured us together. It seemed so right and good and just real. You broke my heart. You left a void in my chest, you took something that I was afraid to feel. You left me vulnerable and alone. I never thought you’d do that to me. You left me. You left us. You gave up on the idea of us. Lost hope, lost opportunity. 

I wonder if you knew. I wonder if I should have told you. If only, if only. Hindsight, right? I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if she makes you happy. I wonder if you’re happy. I wonder if you would leave her for me. I wonder what we could have been. I wonder if you loved me. I wonder if I loved you. I wonder why these series of events were part of the days of our lives. 

And. What makes me even more sad, and what I cry about again and again, is that I cannot be the same around you. I think that period of us, together, whatever it was, friends or you name it, I think it’s done. I think it can never be the same. It feels like you’re gone, like you’re slowly disappearing from my life. It feels like you chose her, you chose to love her and you left me here, in pieces, uncertain, questioning my worth, my self. You left me here. You left. 

Miles and Miles

I can see for miles and miles and miles.

Stretches of road under a starry night.

And all I can think of is you.

Fear

It’s dark. It’s dark, and dank, and musky in here. Where I am, it’s a place with little hope, perhaps just a flicker, perhaps my eternal flicker. But it’s dark, and quiet, and solomn. It’s a place I try to avoid, it’s a place I don’t want to be. It’s a place of self-pity, of loss. A place of self-doubt, and judgement, and questions of self-worth. Full of insecurity and honesty, full of doubts and questions, full of fear. Full of fear.