Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for universe

I want, I wonder

I’m here, in front of you, asking what I should do. What I should be. How I should act. I’m grown, and I’m aged, I’m wiser that I was. I’m smart and I’m shrewd, I’m astute and aware. But, I’m lost and I’m confused. I’m curious and I’m cautious. I’m asking you. I’m asking you who I should be, how I should be, how I should cope. I think this is how I cope.

I want to be humble. I want to be thoughtful. I want to be graceful and smart.

Remove the cynicism because it taints the beauty of each day, it stains the wonder that surrounds us. Remove the negative and oppressive thoughts. Remove self-doubt and disbelief. Accept and move on. Be honest and move on. Be open and stay humble. Stay you. Be you, but only the best version. Just you. Please, it is ever so important to not get jaded, to not get swayed or tainted or degraded. You must keep your light shining, keep you light away from others, keep your light solely for you. Keep it safe because it is fragile and it is rare and easily stifled, easily lost. It may dim at times and it may blaze, accept that. Do not judge that. Accept yourself with all of yourself. Keep your light alive, stay TRUE to yourself, stay true to who you are and what you stand for. Always stay true and stay shining bright.

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What is it?

What makes you? Is it simply your biology, eons of evolution and adaptation? Or is it more? Is it your beliefs, is it your home, is it your family, is it your town, is it your culture, is it your experiences, is it your music, is it your art, is it your voice, is it your thoughts, is it your dreams, is it your love, is it your passion, is it your drive, is it your curiosity, is it your sadness, is it your speed, is it your convictions, is it your pride, is it your hope, is it your ignorance, is it your past, is it your future, is it your present? What is it?

Mercy of Nature

And here we are, here we find ourselves once again. At the mercy of nature and it’s astounding power, it’s beauty and it’s wrath, it’s fearsome complexity. And while we stand so tall and while we dream so large, nature takes it back in a moment, making men into minisculity once more. Forever reminding us that we are simply a spec in the universe, whipping around the sun again, and again, and again, and again…

Why do we get to be?

Fragments. Fragmented, cut up, broken. It’s what we know. These sharp shards of all that we know sit in our minds, and somehow we cope. I mean I don’t really get it… I don’t get how I can live in this world, and accept that I don’t, and will never understand everything. I don’t get how I can live in this world, and walk the same paths, and do the same things, and see the same people, and not understand everything. Honestly.

We come into this world, a screaming pink ball, so angry that we had to come out of that comfort place, that beautiful warm womb. We come into this world, and are expected to adapt. And grow. And accept. Accept all that we see, and all that is, we must accept it because it is here, and it is real, as real as we know. And because it is here and because we can see it, touch it, feel it, it is real, and that’s all that matters. So we live in this world.

We live with these fragments. Fragments of what life is. Fragments of what “human” means. Fragments of a higher power that is all knowning. Fragments of an eternalness of it all. Fragments of the universe that we somehow, somehow are a part of, without even acknowledging it, we are, we are a part of it. Fundamentally, and essentially. It is unquestioning. Right? Maybe.

I just don’t get it. I mean, I get that there is life, and there is us, because I am here, at least in this moment I think I am, and I think that’s good enough to acknowledge that this is true. Right now is happening, at least we think it is. But, in essence, what does it matter if it truly is or isn’t. Because thought, and agreement that what is, IS, well that makes things real. And so I am sitting here, real. I am real, and you are real, and we are living in this world together, as we imagine it and percieve it, and how we see it makes it how it is, because that is all we know. And so we sit here, together, in this world, seeing, living, breathing, and nothing.

No questions. No demands for answers! NOTHING! I don’t get it! I don’t get how people are just “OK” with this. This reality- people accept it, undeniably. As if this is real, because it is what we know. There is no questioning. None. There is no question about why! There are no questions about us, and the universe, and where we come from- where these personalities, and thoughts, these complex and unique thoughts come from. Sure, from DNA, from genes, from biology, but why? Why do we have capabilities to be? To be freely thinking and moving? Why do we get to be?

Why do we get to be?

I guess that’s the question right there. And, if we get to be, and I think most would agree, at least those who are, that we are, right now, right here, we are. And if we are, and we get to be, and maybe it’s this wonderful gift, maybe it’s a mistake, maybe it just is, then why do we get to die? Why do we have to die? Why do we get to live and get to die- it should be really one or the other. But then again, who I am to say what things “should” be like. Haha, it’s comical really, to think that we can suggest how things “should” be, when we have no control over how things are. We are just thrown into this reality, and are expected to accept it, and to just be “ok” with the fact that we get to live and we get to die.

So why do we get to be? And why do we get to die?

a stomach-churning crunch

It’s haunting really. Those fleeting thoughts, that come so quickly they stop your heart. Like suddenly falling flat, with your nose crashing into the ground in a stomach-churning crunch, blood flowing ruby red and tears well so quick you can’t hold back. And you turn over and just lay there, hands scrapped and cheeks flushed. Sprawled, feeling like shit, and peering up into the dull gray fog.

You get angry, with a furrowed brow, and you wonder why the world is so fucking black. Why the hell you got these cards. What the hell did you do wrong? And you wonder when! You wonder when the hell things will change, when things will be better on this barren earth. God, there is so much corruption, so much violence, so many men that die. How can I not help but to look at all that is bad, it stares me in the eye, clouds my vision. Men die for words, for WORDS. But, what’s more disturbing, men kill because of words. Men kill because of disputes about whose God is right, whose God is good. Oh god, people die, millions of people die.

Understand that I’m not utterly devestated that people die because of violence, because of unjustice, because of wars, but I’m am utterly broken because people die. That simple, simple fact. People die, prematurely and without satisfaction, without achieving passions, without loving, without knowing, without accepting a fate.

This fleeting thought, it hits me so hard some days. It hits me so fucking hard, that I can’t help but to buckle and cry and scream and clench my fists and pound my hands on the hard ground until they are red, until my spirit breaks. Death represents such an end, such a permanent end to my life. Not in a biological sense, but an end to me. An end. An end to the my thoughts, to my world, to my universe. At my end, the universe stops, it simply stops and that is so inconcievable. It might as well have not existed, it might as well have not been. I don’t know when I’ll be able to accept this, I don’t know if I ever will- it scares the shit out of me, and I can’t face it without feeling such honest terror. Where will I be when there world stops, the sun never rises again, the moon never shines once more, the heart putters to a stand still and all that’s left is silence, deafening silence. When will I take my last breath, take my last step, feel my last inch perish. oh god.

I am. And I get the chance to be.

There are just way too many issues to deal with! I am so confused right now, and I just want to let it all go! What the hell. Why the hell not?

Cause I cant, cause I can’t freaking let it all go. I cant give up, and it sucks… I can’t give up on myself, or my goals, or my needs. I can’t, because if I did, if I ever did give up on myself that would be the total end. I can’t give up on myself. I can’t give up on myself. Why? Well, because I’m important to me. I matter, and in this expanisive utterly unimaginably big universe, I matter because I exist. I wasn’t passed up, I was brought to this world some how, some way out of millions of coincidences and utter luck, I was born, at this present time, in this world, on this world. I was brought here, and I have to keeping trying if only for that. If only to appreciate the fact that out of millions and billions of chances, coincidences, instances, where something could have changed the course of everything and everyone, it didn’t! It didn’t, and so I’m here. So I’m not going to pity myself, wallow, or complain. That’s such a waste of time, and I have to see it that way.

Oh sure, it’s healthy to express your emotions. Be sad and furious and angry and mad at the world because for some f-ing reason you got screwed over and they didn’t, you got dealt a bad hand, a bad day, a horrible past, and they didn’t. Sure you think it sucks, and everything sucks, but never never think there’s nothing to live for. Never think that! I will never think that. There is always something to live for- not for my measly biological body, not for someone else, not for society, not for you. Live because you got the chance, you got it.

You. Got. It.

Realize that, that’s such a rare thing. Such a rare thing. Live because there’s something unknown, something much much much much bigger out there, and remember that our society and earth and our perceptions are not always right or true. We’ve created this little home, this little pocket in space time, but there is so much more outside of us, and our ways. Live because life is inspiring.

Life is inspiring. There have been legendary people who have done epic things, and humans have created some of the most beautiful things like art and music. But nothing, nothing, can compare or come close to the beauty of life. Life is such a great thing, and we get to partake. There is life, life exists. There is. I am. We are. And that is so beautiful. That is simply amazing. Simply inspiring.

We are.

I am. And I get the chance to be.

I live, and I won’t give up because I am. And I get to be.

don’t cry for tomorrow

Unclench…slowly open. Because when that weathered heart opens, when that crumpled spirit begins to pulse, Oh, the world opens. It’s like a high. As if the universe begins to allign–for you, time smiles and for the first time, you realize this life, THIS life, is the only chance you’ve got to break, to scream, to hate, to cry, to breath, to love, to open, to realize, to be.

Make it what you may, but make it quick. Quick steps, it shall end soon, and this very moment decides–let it decide. Wash your hands and begin again. You can.