Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for world

A heavy heart

My heart feels heavy. I think it gets heavier as the years pass by. Things seem to get more real. Life seems to catch up to us. My heart feels weighed down, by the world’s problems and my own. It’s hard to explain, but I can feel such sorrow for so many. I feel sadness, I feel the pain of millions living in poverty, starving. I feel the toll on millions of children that will never enjoy a childhood like mine, that will never know what life could have been outside of their own. My heart aches for others, it’s something I carry with me, more and more as time goes on. And while I’m in search of my own happiness, I can’t help but wonder if my happiness is tied to theirs, to others’. I feel the weight of the world, wars and violence, struggle and hunger.. and I know there’s little that I can do, and there’s only so many people I can touch, and these issues will continue, likely until the end of days. It just hurts my heart to know that I led a life, a full life with such amazing experiences, that very few with know. Perhaps this is guilt I’m feeling, perhaps I feel undeserving. At times, I wonder if there is more pain than joy out there. Truly. I wonder. It’s a sad, sad thought to verbalize, but there’s just such injustice, such pain… Just in the people I’ve come to know, the people I’ve met all over the world, while they can make due and while they can find happiness in what they know, I know that they will never know a life like I have lived. Is it fair? I think it just is. I wonder, at times, what if I was in their position, in their shoes, living in such poverty, struggling to find shelter, to find food, to find safety. I’m not sure how I would cope, I wonder how resilient I would be. I’m ashamed, at times, when I realize how trivial my own problems are in the big scheme of things. I am ashamed, at times, when I realize how unappreciative, how ungrateful my thoughts can become…. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, my heart is heavy and it’s weighed down because when I compare my life to theirs, to others’, I wonder why I’m here and they are there.

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uh oh uh oh uh oh!?

What do I say, I still feel like I’m really really good at pretending. Uh oh uh oh uh oh!? I want to except, expect, and do the best. I don’t want to settle, for anything, anyone. I want to be so passionate to the point where others simply look at me like I’m insane. I want to find my thing. That thing I live for, that thing that, if I didn’t have and didn’t believe in and didn’t do, I would be simply and utterly ordinary. Wide-eyed, kneeling, looking up, and knowing! that the world is the way it is, will be the way it is. I’m sure of only a few things in my life and in this world. For me, solely me, and not you, I am almost completely sure that killing is wrong, that an awakened and heightened life is what I need to strive for, that this, here, is what I should be doing, and that I’m terrified of dying without meaning, knowing that meaning, oh my GOD, it’s what I totally strive for! For if I knew, hmm…what would be left? Maybe that’s the point…but I feel that living with that understanding would be indescribable, where every decision would be so right… I can’t even freaking imagine it!

 

The drums are beating,

My heart slowly beats along

My mind buzzes, cloudily and fuzzily

Timid wings, quivering fires, guilty bones

A borrowed self

 

Dry your eyes!

Serene Dream, Surreal Dream

Serene Dream

Surreal Dream

I dream of the anti-chaos.

I dream of the heartbeat, of the rhythm inside.

I dream of the calmness and the peacefulness, the inner peace.

I dream of a vibrant colored world, where doves are blinding white, and grass is razor-sharp green.

I dream of a higher being, a higher wisdom, and heigtened awareness.

I dream of a world as serene and surreal as my dreams