Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

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I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies

Show me something new, something different something fresh. I want to see it all, and I don’t think I have yet. I want to see the greatest of goods, and while it scares me, I know I will see the worst of bads. I am young, and bright-eyed, and I hope to stay that way. Forever. I hope to stay curious and hopeful. I hope to always have that light burning inside, that unanswered and eternal question “what does it all mean?” I hope that never leaves me. And I don’t think it will. I want to see what the world, and this life, and what the human condition has to offer. I want to see all of the intricacies. I want to explore them. I want to have a lover, and be foolish in love. I want to travel the world. I want to do good. I want to be confident. I want to remain healthy and strong and powerful. I want to find a man who cannot take his eyes off of me. I want to find someone to hold me tight, and who never wants to let me go. I want to connect to people and hear their stories. I want to see the struggle in their eyes. I want to know the beautiful places in this world. All of them. It almost seems impossible for one person to capture all of nature’s diversity. But I’ll try, don’t you worry. I want to be a poet. I want to be a writer. I want to be an artist. I want to be a dreamer. I want to be a diver, of both seas and skies. I want to be a dancer. I want to be an athlete. I want to be all of these things, in this lifetime. And I think I will.

A beating heart

I look inside, and I see my heart. Beating, red, pulsing with life, humming with curiosity. I can feel the rhythm. I can feel it beating, again and again. I can feel it pumping effortlessly, gracefully. It’s brimming with life, with energy, with promise.

Undeniably Unique

Who are you? Today, right now? What makes you? What made you?

I think the experiences we have are cumulative. I think that each and every person we meet, pass by, interact with, make eye contact with, well, they shape us. In some small or grandiose way, they shape us. Each breath, each step, each and every heartbeat is cumulative. They have brought us to here. Millions upon millions of happenings, of moments have made you, you. Undeniably unique.

A heavy heart

My heart feels heavy. I think it gets heavier as the years pass by. Things seem to get more real. Life seems to catch up to us. My heart feels weighed down, by the world’s problems and my own. It’s hard to explain, but I can feel such sorrow for so many. I feel sadness, I feel the pain of millions living in poverty, starving. I feel the toll on millions of children that will never enjoy a childhood like mine, that will never know what life could have been outside of their own. My heart aches for others, it’s something I carry with me, more and more as time goes on. And while I’m in search of my own happiness, I can’t help but wonder if my happiness is tied to theirs, to others’. I feel the weight of the world, wars and violence, struggle and hunger.. and I know there’s little that I can do, and there’s only so many people I can touch, and these issues will continue, likely until the end of days. It just hurts my heart to know that I led a life, a full life with such amazing experiences, that very few with know. Perhaps this is guilt I’m feeling, perhaps I feel undeserving. At times, I wonder if there is more pain than joy out there. Truly. I wonder. It’s a sad, sad thought to verbalize, but there’s just such injustice, such pain… Just in the people I’ve come to know, the people I’ve met all over the world, while they can make due and while they can find happiness in what they know, I know that they will never know a life like I have lived. Is it fair? I think it just is. I wonder, at times, what if I was in their position, in their shoes, living in such poverty, struggling to find shelter, to find food, to find safety. I’m not sure how I would cope, I wonder how resilient I would be. I’m ashamed, at times, when I realize how trivial my own problems are in the big scheme of things. I am ashamed, at times, when I realize how unappreciative, how ungrateful my thoughts can become…. I guess, what I’m trying to say is, my heart is heavy and it’s weighed down because when I compare my life to theirs, to others’, I wonder why I’m here and they are there.

I give in

Sometimes I give into the hopeless thoughts, those negative ones. Those dark and heavy ones. Those thoughts that make you question and wonder. Those thoughts that make you self-doubt and give in. Those thoughts that make you cry and cry.

Fly above

Fly above, among the clouds. Fly above, and look up. At the sun, at the stars, and the vast openness. Fly above, and look down, to the earth, to the cities, to the deserts, to the oceans, to the government, to the societies, to the history, to the cultures, to the past and to the present. 

Hungry, forever-wanting

I’m here and so are you. We are gracing this earth with our presence as I write. What a wonderful thought. To know you are alive, with someone else. How lucky are we to spend our days together, our numbered days, our handful of days. Each like a gem, a precious stone. There are only a few, only some and no more thereafter.

 I hope we witness beautiful things in life. I hope to understand how grand and vast and immense this earth is. I hope to travel and explore, I hope to find unknown and foreign lands and discover new territory in myself. We never stop growing, remember that. We are affected by it all, all the people, all the places, all the events, all of it. Every such small thing affects us, builds our weathered and weary bodies. Our hearts time etched and heavy. Our bones sturdy and strong. Our hands, wrinkled and humble, waiting, wanting. Our eyes, bright and hopeful. I hope to be hopeful, I hope to be curious and hungry, forever-wanting. I want so much for myself, and for you.

I want, I wonder

I’m here, in front of you, asking what I should do. What I should be. How I should act. I’m grown, and I’m aged, I’m wiser that I was. I’m smart and I’m shrewd, I’m astute and aware. But, I’m lost and I’m confused. I’m curious and I’m cautious. I’m asking you. I’m asking you who I should be, how I should be, how I should cope. I think this is how I cope.

I want to be humble. I want to be thoughtful. I want to be graceful and smart.

Remove the cynicism because it taints the beauty of each day, it stains the wonder that surrounds us. Remove the negative and oppressive thoughts. Remove self-doubt and disbelief. Accept and move on. Be honest and move on. Be open and stay humble. Stay you. Be you, but only the best version. Just you. Please, it is ever so important to not get jaded, to not get swayed or tainted or degraded. You must keep your light shining, keep you light away from others, keep your light solely for you. Keep it safe because it is fragile and it is rare and easily stifled, easily lost. It may dim at times and it may blaze, accept that. Do not judge that. Accept yourself with all of yourself. Keep your light alive, stay TRUE to yourself, stay true to who you are and what you stand for. Always stay true and stay shining bright.

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Life is speeding by, ever-fast, ever-quick. Did you notice?

keeping hope alive for love

I saw the grim face and the hopelessness of a life without love, late in age this weekend. Truly a sad reality that I certainly don’t wish upon anyone and that I desperately, desperately wish to avoid. It’s sad really, someone who craves love, wants love, would be a wonderful partner and lover, but cannot simply find the one. Or not so simply. 

It’s heart-wrenching really, because time waits for no one, and those who don’t have the timing down, who don’t have “figure it out” soon enough, may be stuck without love, without marriage, without a family. And here I am, still young, but not that young. I used to be hopeful that some wonderful man would walk into my life, and be drawn to me, to my light and to my being. I used to think love would come, because it had to. It simply had to. 

But the reality of it is, is that I’m starting to lose a little faith, a little hope. I’m starting to see the grim reality so many face. I’m starting to wonder if finding love is extremely close to impossibility. I’m starting to question if there are enough good men in the world, and if I will find one who compliments me, who could love me in the way I need to be loved. I’m starting to ask myself if I’m worthy of that kind of love, that deep and passionate and forever love. And, honestly, I think I am worthy, because I know I can equally give it, completely and utterly give that deep love to someone for the rest of our days. But where is this love? And how impossible is it  to find?

I wonder if I will find love, the kind of love we all dream of. I wonder how long I will need to wait, to be patient, and to be open. I wonder how long I can stand this uncertainty. It’s agonizing, really.

But, let me attempt to instill some hope, in me and perhaps in you.

In life, we truly only have ourselves. Just one human being. And to find someone to compliment every tendency, quality and characteristic that makes you is hard, almost impossible. But, as we journey through our lives, each and every day, I think it’s important to love yourself. To know that you are worthy of the deep love that you crave. To be open, to be hopeful, to never, ever, ever give up on yourself. And to keep trying, to keep on trying because giving up isn’t an option. Simply and completely. You must stand up for you, you must take pride in you, you must know, and I mean really know and believe that you are worth it. You deserve greatness, a great love. You deserve someone that will fulfill you and fill you. Be open, be kind, be patient and be unwavering if the belief, or rather the knowing, that you deserve love. In this fleeting and ever-rapid life that we all lead, as time zooms by us leaving us i a daze, keep your light alive. Don’t get bogged down, don’t get lost in the depressive thoughts, in the what-ifs, in the self-doubt. Never settle for something you know, in your heart, isn’t good enough. You know what you need, you know what’s good enough and what is possible. Because it’s possible, it’s rare and it’s hard and it may almost defeat your spirit, your mind and your entity. But don’t let it defeat you. Push. Push hard for yourself, for the beautiful future that I see in your eyes. 

Stay hopeful, stay open, stay honest, stay confident, stay sturdy. Stay beautiful.

In all, I sincerely believe that there are good people out there, there are good men, family men out there. I sincerely believe it. It’s about putting the best version of yourself out, into the world. The confident and calm, the life-loving and free-spirited version. And once your best version meets his, that’s where love can flourish. 

All we can hope for is that we will avail. 

 

Miles and Miles

I can see for miles and miles and miles.

Stretches of road under a starry night.

And all I can think of is you.

Finding love

Finding love is like finding light.

status update

currently coping with uncertainty.

Fear

It’s dark. It’s dark, and dank, and musky in here. Where I am, it’s a place with little hope, perhaps just a flicker, perhaps my eternal flicker. But it’s dark, and quiet, and solomn. It’s a place I try to avoid, it’s a place I don’t want to be. It’s a place of self-pity, of loss. A place of self-doubt, and judgement, and questions of self-worth. Full of insecurity and honesty, full of doubts and questions, full of fear. Full of fear. 

You chose her

I built a home for you, for me. In my heart…..you had a home. I saw us together. I saw us holding one another. You had me, you could so easily have me. You had me by the touch of your hand, the warm of your skin. You had me with your sweet, sweet smile. You had me with your kindness, with your care. You had me.

I built a home for us, in my heart, in my mind. I saw us together, happy. I saw us together and in love. I saw us, and it was spectacular. I saw us kissing, I saw us embracing, I saw me in your arms, wrapped up in your strong arms. I saw my body melt into yours. I saw hope, I saw happiness. 

We could have been great, I mean really great. I know we could have. We could have been something special, something to treasure, something sacred.

But you chose her, you care for her. I’m not sure how, I’m not sure how we could not possibly be, it seems so right, so natural…. so necessary. How can you be with her? What do you see in her? What do you see in her that you don’t see in me? Why her? Why not me? Why would you give up on us. We would have been great, we would have been beautiful together. I mean really, really good. She, well she is pleasant. But she doesn’t have the fire, the desire that I have for you. I don’t see it, I don’t think I ever will. It just breaks my heart, and I mean really breaks my heart that you don’t see us. I don’t understand, I don’t get it, I can’t seem to wrap my mind around it. Why not me? Why not us? I had such high hopes, I saw us, I saw us for the long run. I saw us forever. I saw us laughing, and loving, and in such peace, such comfort with each other. I saw us living our lives with each other. I saw us. 

And now you are with her. Do you see her, do you really see her in your life? In your arms? In your embrace? Do you love her? Does she fulfill you? Does she live and breathe to be with you. Because, I do. At least I used to. And may still do. How pitiful, how sad that I have to move on. I have to give up on such a beautiful dream. I have to give up on us. It would have been magical. It would have been so wonderful. I wonder…. I wonder… 

I just can’t get you out of my mind. Now that you’re gone, moved on, perhaps never thought of me. I wonder if you ever thought of me. We shared embraces, we shared a lot. But I wonder if you ever thought of me the way I thought, and I still think of you. I can’t get you out of my mind, each and every day, every hour I find myself thinking of you, pondering, wishing, and wondering. I find myself imagining, dreaming. I find myself hoping that you will leave her, and that we can be together. The way it should be, the way it’s supposed to be. But… alas, no. I keep my thoughts to myself, I try to distance myself from you… while it’s so hard to be away from you, I think it may be best. 

I sadly drag my feet, and try to move on. I try to push you out of my mind, I try to block the intrusive thoughts. I try to forget, I try to not cry. I try to move on, I try to see a life without you, I try to see how you are not right for me. I force myself to see your faults, to see why, somehow, why we could not be. And when I see you both together, I look away. Because that just breaks my heart again. That just reminds me that you chose her, that you didn’t choose me, that you didn’t want me. You. Didn’t. Want. Me. It just makes me cry…. and I can’t let you see me cry. I can’t let you see me this way, I can’t let you know the truth, what’s in my heart. 

Oh, we could have been great. We could have been something to remember. 

Light

I crave the light, I crave that beauty, that bright, startling, blinding beauty. The kind of beauty you can’t help but look at, the kind of beauty you cant help up gaze at, stare at, the blinding beauty, that  is so bright. It’s like nothing else, it’s so pure and rich and deep and true, and good, and full. It fills you up, it washes away everything else. I want to see that beauty, that true blinding light. I want to bask in the beauty. 

Only a few know it, only a few, a lucky few get to see it. Get to revel in it, get to appreciate it for all that it is, get to truly understand the depth of it. 

I want to see the light, I want to see truth, and beauty, and I want to be filled by it, every inch of me, I want to feel it. I want to feel it. 

True beauty, it’s there, it’s out there. True, blinding, bright, beauty.. well it makes you cry. To live a life… to know it… to see the light. Ah, what a dream. I want to feel it, I want to breathe it, I want to know it, I want to bask in the light of beauty and truth. I can sense it, I am just on the cusp, or perhaps it’s at the cusp where you find true beauty, where you are in this very moment, in this VERY moment. Yes, I am here, alive, honest. I am here, breathing, writing, expressing, I am here listening. I am here trying to break through, trying to discover, trying to uncover. Ah, it’s wonderful, to be in this state of mind, searching. Loving. 

But all I can see, all I can imagine, all I can dream up, is a bright, blinding light. With me, standing there, eyes shrouded, squinting but staring in to the deep bright light. Tears, and happiness. It’s a blissful moment. It’s perfection.

It’s peace. 

Believe

Believe. Believe it’s possible. Believe you’re worth it. Believe you can. Believe that people are good. Believe that this all means something. Believe that you are beautiful. Believe that what you do matters. Believe that we are all connected. Believe that there’s something out there, something bigger than you, something bigger than all of us. Believe that greatness is within your reach. Believe that there’s a light inside you. Believe that every moment shapes you. Believe in me. Believe in us.

There is nothing else like it

Take a moment, and be amazed by something.

Stop, be present, and realize where you are right now.

Pause, and reflect upon how fascinating it is that millions upon millions of instances led up to who you are at. this. moment.

Ponder about how each and every day, the people you pass by, the people you make eye contact with, the people you speak to, you laugh with, you cry with, you negotiate with, you get angry with, you make love with, you grow old with… those people, ALL those people have a story, have an immense history, have a childhood, have a past. And their stories are etched within the wrinkles on their faces, imbedded in their voices, stitched in their clothing… it’s who they are. Their stories make them who they are.

Breathe, breathe in this life, the wonder that surrounds you, breathe in the fact that you get to see the sun rise, that you get to fall in love, that you get to climb mountains, that you get to witness life as it comes into this world, that you get to feel pure happiness.

Please, I beg of you, please take notice, please be present, please realize that you, all the complexity that you are, all that you get to be, do, achieve, in this life… well it is absolutely magnificent. There is nothing else like it.

never forget the miracle of what you are

Be forgiving to yourself. Be forgiving, be non-judgmental, be kind.

Look at you, you miraculous being, alive, breathing, full of life, full of inspiration and creativity. Look at who you are, look at what you have, look at what you have accomplished.

Never, and I mean never, forget the miracle of what you are, of what we are as a human race, of what life is, of what being alive is. You are here, right now, in this moment- relish that and act upon it. Move, travel, explore, grow, do everything, exhaust yourself, suppress feelings of failure and REACH! Leap, take the risk…. go on, be great. There’s a whole world, and a whole mind to explore, there’s only everything to gain.

Delicate Arch

Delicate Arch

What is it?

What makes you? Is it simply your biology, eons of evolution and adaptation? Or is it more? Is it your beliefs, is it your home, is it your family, is it your town, is it your culture, is it your experiences, is it your music, is it your art, is it your voice, is it your thoughts, is it your dreams, is it your love, is it your passion, is it your drive, is it your curiosity, is it your sadness, is it your speed, is it your convictions, is it your pride, is it your hope, is it your ignorance, is it your past, is it your future, is it your present? What is it?