Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

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I want, I wonder

I’m here, in front of you, asking what I should do. What I should be. How I should act. I’m grown, and I’m aged, I’m wiser that I was. I’m smart and I’m shrewd, I’m astute and aware. But, I’m lost and I’m confused. I’m curious and I’m cautious. I’m asking you. I’m asking you who I should be, how I should be, how I should cope. I think this is how I cope.

I want to be humble. I want to be thoughtful. I want to be graceful and smart.

Remove the cynicism because it taints the beauty of each day, it stains the wonder that surrounds us. Remove the negative and oppressive thoughts. Remove self-doubt and disbelief. Accept and move on. Be honest and move on. Be open and stay humble. Stay you. Be you, but only the best version. Just you. Please, it is ever so important to not get jaded, to not get swayed or tainted or degraded. You must keep your light shining, keep you light away from others, keep your light solely for you. Keep it safe because it is fragile and it is rare and easily stifled, easily lost. It may dim at times and it may blaze, accept that. Do not judge that. Accept yourself with all of yourself. Keep your light alive, stay TRUE to yourself, stay true to who you are and what you stand for. Always stay true and stay shining bright.

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Life is speeding by, ever-fast, ever-quick. Did you notice?

keeping hope alive for love

I saw the grim face and the hopelessness of a life without love, late in age this weekend. Truly a sad reality that I certainly don’t wish upon anyone and that I desperately, desperately wish to avoid. It’s sad really, someone who craves love, wants love, would be a wonderful partner and lover, but cannot simply find the one. Or not so simply. 

It’s heart-wrenching really, because time waits for no one, and those who don’t have the timing down, who don’t have “figure it out” soon enough, may be stuck without love, without marriage, without a family. And here I am, still young, but not that young. I used to be hopeful that some wonderful man would walk into my life, and be drawn to me, to my light and to my being. I used to think love would come, because it had to. It simply had to. 

But the reality of it is, is that I’m starting to lose a little faith, a little hope. I’m starting to see the grim reality so many face. I’m starting to wonder if finding love is extremely close to impossibility. I’m starting to question if there are enough good men in the world, and if I will find one who compliments me, who could love me in the way I need to be loved. I’m starting to ask myself if I’m worthy of that kind of love, that deep and passionate and forever love. And, honestly, I think I am worthy, because I know I can equally give it, completely and utterly give that deep love to someone for the rest of our days. But where is this love? And how impossible is it  to find?

I wonder if I will find love, the kind of love we all dream of. I wonder how long I will need to wait, to be patient, and to be open. I wonder how long I can stand this uncertainty. It’s agonizing, really.

But, let me attempt to instill some hope, in me and perhaps in you.

In life, we truly only have ourselves. Just one human being. And to find someone to compliment every tendency, quality and characteristic that makes you is hard, almost impossible. But, as we journey through our lives, each and every day, I think it’s important to love yourself. To know that you are worthy of the deep love that you crave. To be open, to be hopeful, to never, ever, ever give up on yourself. And to keep trying, to keep on trying because giving up isn’t an option. Simply and completely. You must stand up for you, you must take pride in you, you must know, and I mean really know and believe that you are worth it. You deserve greatness, a great love. You deserve someone that will fulfill you and fill you. Be open, be kind, be patient and be unwavering if the belief, or rather the knowing, that you deserve love. In this fleeting and ever-rapid life that we all lead, as time zooms by us leaving us i a daze, keep your light alive. Don’t get bogged down, don’t get lost in the depressive thoughts, in the what-ifs, in the self-doubt. Never settle for something you know, in your heart, isn’t good enough. You know what you need, you know what’s good enough and what is possible. Because it’s possible, it’s rare and it’s hard and it may almost defeat your spirit, your mind and your entity. But don’t let it defeat you. Push. Push hard for yourself, for the beautiful future that I see in your eyes. 

Stay hopeful, stay open, stay honest, stay confident, stay sturdy. Stay beautiful.

In all, I sincerely believe that there are good people out there, there are good men, family men out there. I sincerely believe it. It’s about putting the best version of yourself out, into the world. The confident and calm, the life-loving and free-spirited version. And once your best version meets his, that’s where love can flourish. 

All we can hope for is that we will avail. 

 

Miles and Miles

I can see for miles and miles and miles.

Stretches of road under a starry night.

And all I can think of is you.

Finding love

Finding love is like finding light.

status update

currently coping with uncertainty.

Fear

It’s dark. It’s dark, and dank, and musky in here. Where I am, it’s a place with little hope, perhaps just a flicker, perhaps my eternal flicker. But it’s dark, and quiet, and solomn. It’s a place I try to avoid, it’s a place I don’t want to be. It’s a place of self-pity, of loss. A place of self-doubt, and judgement, and questions of self-worth. Full of insecurity and honesty, full of doubts and questions, full of fear. Full of fear.