Revitalization's Weblog

For the curious, questioning, and wandering soul

Archive for bold

Ah.

Sometimes. Well sometimes I wonder. About the beauty. About the world around me. I look outside and I see the clouds, the blues the grays, the lavenders. It’s easy, you see, to forget the wonder that we live in. That we are submerged in. That we revel in. That we live our daily lives in. It’s the wonder and the beauty that exists only here. Only now. Right now. You are seeing it right now.

Ah.

Yes, right now, in this moment in time and in space, you are here witnessing beauty. Experiencing life. Feeling love. Your eyes are taking in the world around you, your eyes can see such beauty, such colors, such majesty, the mountains, the oceans, the misty rain forests, the sunrises and sunsets, as they zip by day after day. Each day presents itself to you.

Pause, and take a look.

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hawaii. blue stars.

where am I? hum dee dum. Hawaii. blue stars. I want to hold you. waves crashing, warm and pure. swaying back and forth. beautiful beauty. I see you. eyebrows arched. Close your eyes and what do you see? What would you find? purple and yellow fading. strange. you never knew. we’re dancing and dancing and you’re throwing me around, i’m floating, i’m smiling, it’s wonderful. you’re wonderful. you’re so wonderful. dee dum. strange strange. i feel your heart, i can feel your pulse, i can feel the warm blood gushing. feels warm, it feels right. baby. fade into me.

Do ugly people find love?

I want to be in love! I love the idea of a boyfriend, of dating, of connecting with someone romantically… I so want it! SO BAD! It seems like everyone around me seems to find guys easily, as if it happens daily, no effort needed, it just happens. Seriously, it just happens for people! I don’t know how… maybe there is some truth in the idea of destiny, but destiny has left me in the dust as you can probably guess by now! Those people who find their soulmates on the subway, or waiting in line at Starbucks! I want that! That would be great, I’m so open to meeting someone randomly, and making a great connection. But, as it happens, it doesn’t. Maybe I’m too shy, too introverted, not confident enough… Maybe it’s hard for me because my self-esteem is pretty low…

 

Please understand, I’m not saying I want gorgeous men! Model types, who have abs and perfect teeth. I want a caring, funny, and just all-around great guy. In my past… well, there’s just not much boy-attention that I can recall… the only major thing that’s happened was when I went to the Dominican Republic, met a guy, we liked each other, we hung out and flirted, but that’s it. I left, and I’m sure he’s moved on!, Other than that, I have had crushes since elementary school… on SO many guys, too many to count! Ha. I guess had better luck in my younger days than now… I find that very sad…

 

 I crave so much more, I really want to find someone great. I don’t know how girls do it—those girls who have boyfriends constantly—they seem to fall in their laps.. And I’m not talking about gorgeous girls, but normal girls who have boys, a lot of boys… One of my great friends has had so many guys, has slept with guys both young and old, and has found her soulmate—did I mention we’re the same age?! She’s so lucky, and I’m really jealous of her for that… Maybe it’s my personality, I’ve really changed, and gotten so self-conscious, probably because of the lack of attention from guys. I am always trying to slim down, making myself think that I’ll be more beautiful, confident and outgoing if I’m comfortable with my body. That I’ll be happier once I lose weight, I’ll have more friends, and meet more people… I know it’s all about attitude, but it’s getting harder and harder to make genuine connections with people. I’ve gotten shy, self-conscious, depressed from lack of lovin’ and attention.

 

So it’s summer now. Lack of excitement, of different people, of LIVING… this summer is seriously sucking! I feel uninspired to do and  to go out,.. It breaks my heart, and this is what I hope to avoid—spending one day of my life wasted.. I seem to be doing that a lot these days… I think about food/calories way too much… and try to go to the gym as often as I can… I have this theory that if I live it right, if I live life right—with confidence, self-esteem, power, awareness, presence, knowledge… etc. then good things WILL happen to me. I’ve heard that when you decide and open yourself to love, love finds you… And so I have to try, step out of my comfort zone (a stifling and suffering little suffocation box of a zone) and really try. I need to realize that every day, the people I meet and the things I can CHOOSE to do will never come back; that if I don’t act, all I’ll be left with is a big ‘ol bucket of regret. I need to take advantage of the people around me, and the people I meet. Above all, I truly desire finding someone… finding LOVE asap! I’ve made this my new goal… so far, no luck.

 

(Oh- and to all the guys who are reading this! Please know, that shy and not-so-pretty girls also crave attention from you all just as much as the gorgeous bombshell model types. Most girls like to be pursued (like me), so guys, be BOLD, and ask us OUT!)